It isn’t a good idea to lift weights while on ecstasy (and five other drugs)
A couple of weeks back I shared parts of my journey back home and then gave up on writing about it because I found shiny new other blog topics cover. You know how I am… I see a flashy new subject and I want to jump all over it. Ignoring everything else I started.
There was one story that I didn’t get to that I wanted to talk about. It was one of the few times that I have been close to death.
I won’t go into the long overdrawn back-story on this. Let me just give you the brief breakdown. There was a party; a group of people that weren’t invited to the party, that group of people showed up at close to 4 am when the party was winding down. I was staying over at my friend’s house, the one that was throwing the party and was set up to sleep in their weight room on a cot.
At about 6 am I wake up out of a drunken slumber to see the lights of the weight room on and three people in there. To each side of the cot are two people and I look up to see one person handing a 45-pound weight to another person to put on a bench press right over my head. The person that the weight was being handed to almost dropped it on my head.
At that point my entire life flashed before me. Sadly it wasn’t that great, it was mostly all the times I urinated publically. To say I was bitterly disappointed would be an understatement. (It might tie into the fact that I had to piss. I hope when it is my time to go that I have a much more exciting flash.)
I hoped off the cot and asked them what they were doing. The one guy that was handing out the weights declared, “I need to work out.” I looked over at the bench and started adding up the weights as he kept handing his friends more to put on the bar.
there is no reason for this picture
“How much do you think is on there?” I was asked. Due to the fact I still had at least half a bottle of Captain Morgan’s in my system I was slow with the math.
After taking what seemed like twenty minutes to count I replied, “It is well over three hundred pounds.”
“I am fired up I feel like I can do anything,” the wannabe bodybuilder exclaimed. “You are the biggest guy in the room, spot me.”
I still hate this site
I took a couple of steps over to the bench when logic, which had been pummeled down by the Captain and was locked away in my lower intestine, broke free and raced to my brain. Logic then slapped me in the back of the eyeballs, screamed and took control of my mouth.
“Dude I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”
For some reason all I could think about was the guys from Mythbusters explaining why this was such a dumb idea:
Why are you two in my head?
Adam: The myth today is that Bobby Finstock, author of Pointless Banter, thinks that when he is drunk he is invincible. At this time he is thinking about spotting a guy who is high out of his mind while hammered off of his ass.
Jamie: Not to mention the amount of weight on the bench press has officially surpassed the normal amount a person can lift into an insane level reserved for NFL Lineman. Let us see what would happen if Kevin attempted to spot this totally fucked up guy.
(Shows Buster the Crash Test Dummy on the weight bench and me trying to hold the weight. I drop the bar and it decapitates Buster.)
Adam: Consider this myth busted.
that had to hurt
Thankfully a few other people came into the room at this moment to talk him out of doing it. I don’t know how to get a large amount of blood out of shorts.
What is the dumbest thing you have seen someone do while drunk?
Nice to see you’ve settled on you new pen name. You’ve also got the new ‘pen photo’ (the soccer player from yesterday). Anything else on the cards, pen-wise?
Well, at least you didn’t have a photo of a prolapsed rectum. That’s a nasty sports injury in weightlifting.
Blood? A friend of my dad said hydrogen peroxide did wonders for his car upholstery after he’d gotten stabbed in the throat with his car keys by a random prostitute.
the dumbest thing I’ve seen someone do while drunk was during college years; when everyone was passed out just hours before dawn I heard very loudly “WTF are you doing!?!” – it was enough to wake me up out of a passed-out state, so I wobbled over to my roommates bedroom to ask what’s wrong, he said “(forget his name) f*ckin’ walked in here, lifted the lid of my suitcase and started to pee” (true story)
We had to park in this huge area called F-LOT at MSU. There are 2 ways out, cross the tracks in the middle of it, or walk a 1/4 mi down to the main road and then back up into campus.
You can’t cross the tracks if it’s 4am and there is a train camped out blocking the way. We would climb up on in, about 10 feet into the air from the gravel bank and squeeze through and jump down. While I made that genius move when the train was STOPPED for 30 minutes, they will start moving, and pick up speed – even if the rest of your friends are half on and half off.
It was like war plane flying over low ground, all of us yelling ‘Go! Jump! Climb! Go!’.
Luckily, nobody broke anything.
I saw a guy get in a fight with a bus.
Had a friend brilliantly decide that his football helmet made him impervious to moving traffic and decided to prove the same by jumping into traffic. I stupidly yanked him out of the way and the lummox landed on me fracturing my arm. To this day he refuses to believe he did anything that stupid and I just fell. Should have let the truck hit the asshat.
Hmmm….speaking of dumb drunks….I was once working a concert to earn money for my high school show choir. Being too young to sell beer, my group of friends and I had to turn away quite a lot of people that evening who requested that we sell them a beer. The funniest one was a drunk guy that skipped (yes, he literally skipped) up to our counter and asked where he could get a beer. We pointed to the next concession stand over and he skipped away, whistling rather loudly.
I had a friend that turned into a klepto everytime she drank. Normally it was little things like salt shakers or the knobs from the coat racks that she would unscrew and pocket but we were out one night and she decided to try and steal the doormat from in front of a nearby biker bar. My other friend and I didn’t notice the sound of the plastic spikes dragging along the ground initially as in our inebriated states we were talking pretty loudly but then the stench of beer vomit hit us like a ton of bricks. We turned to see her dragging this huge mat covered, I’m sure, in old vomit laughing hysterically because nobody saw her take it. Needless to say we made her leave it, but she smelled like barf until we could get her to a Denny’s bathroom to wash her off. So gross.
Well, we were all trashed out of our minds, but the worst one was this guys Rob who was my husband’s bff and a bit insane. While dancing on the pool table he proceeds to strip down to his zebra underwear and then once he has our attention, he attempts a back flip off the pool table.
I say attempt because he lands right on his back and we were all so stunned we laughed instead of checking to see if he was still alive. We were an awesome bunch of caring friends, lol. Then, when he doesn’t move and we start to almost worry, he bounces right back up onto his feet and is okay for the rest of the night. The next day though…he was in major pain, he could barely move and playing pool was out of the question.
Simply,
Loula