Me- 2 Andy Dick- 0
Superman has Lex Luthor.
Batman has the Joker.
Spiderman has Dr. Octopus.
I have Andy Dick.
Andy Dick is my nemesis. Sure he probably doesn’t remember our last run in. (Nor should he.) But deep down inside he knows that we are rivals. Deep down he desires barely legal penis along with finally meeting me again head to head to finish what was started. (Thank god I don’t classify as barely legal penis.)
One day we will meet on the field of battle for the final time in a fight to the death complete with crazy weapons like a mace, paint ball guns filled with noxious chemicals, and towels rolled up to be used as whips. In the end my ability and non-drug addled brain will destroy his frail, unfunny, and sexually ambiguous self. But until then I can bask in the glory that I am better than Andy Dick.
If you didn’t read about it last week Andy Dick was arrested outside a Murrieta restaurant for sexual assault and possession of marijuana and Xanax.
After reading the details of the arrest I now have multiple reasons for being better than Andy Dick.
1) I have never been arrested for sexual assault- When I fondle a girl’s breasts there are never complaints. (except the next morning when they wake up next to me) And before I fondle them I make sure they are of age. Apparently neither is the case for Mr. Dick.
2) I know that Buffalo Wild Wings is never where the party ends it is where it begins- Being from Buffalo I loathe eating at a Buffalo Wild Wings because I know what good wings are. However in some towns that is the best place to go and I have on occasion set foot in one. However if I do go to Buffalo Wild Wings I am hip enough to know that Buffalo Wild Wings is never the place to be at the end of the night unless you want it to be a sausage fest with middle aged men.
The cleft in the chin is where he rests cocks
3) My mug shot would never be this creepy- I am a damn handsome man. I would share my picture but you know I have the whole “protected identity” thing going on. This is an approximation of how I look:
the author of pointless banter
4) I never was in “Blonde Ambition”- I don’t even have an agent to guide me and I still wouldn’t have shown up on set for that pile of shit. The guy has to be one step away from blowing people in public restrooms for money.
Think Luke Wilson is keeping this off his resume?
In fact I don’t just think I am better than Andy Dick. I think most of you are. Okay, probably all of you are.
What is your reason for being better than Andy Dick?
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On 07/22/08 at 9:16 am
Fiona said:
I’m better than Andy Dick because I’m female. Actually, that’s the reason why I’m better than any man
On 07/22/08 at 9:22 am
Kevin said:
well thank god I have both sets of organs
On 07/22/08 at 9:30 am
Kevin said:
test
On 07/22/08 at 9:20 am
Meghan said:
Oh My GAWD! The mugshot! It’s 1 parts Nick Nolte, 1 parts Mel Gibson, and 3 parts Smarmy.
I kinda think of you as barely legal penis…but thats just the impending restraining order.
Nice Pecs though.
On 07/22/08 at 9:22 am
Kevin said:
I’ve been working out.
On 07/22/08 at 9:32 am
em em said:
I just feel really bad for his son. Can you imagine the crap he has to take? Sad.
On 07/22/08 at 9:40 am
Bobby Finstock said:
I assume he will be living with his mom and changing his last name.
On 07/22/08 at 9:34 am
Marty said:
I was a bit disappointed with your performance at the recent European Championships. Hey, some of us are genuine sports fans, you can’t just take off your shirt and say that all’s right with the world. And what’s with your earrings?!
On 07/22/08 at 9:41 am
Bobby Finstock said:
I thought I would be able to hide here.
On 07/22/08 at 9:39 am
clientsideshow bob said:
Does anyone else think the mugshot makes Andy look like a reject from Silence of the Lambs?
On 07/22/08 at 9:39 am
Bobby Finstock said:
I think that he looks like a rejected Joker
On 07/22/08 at 10:42 am
Jason - GorillaSushi said:
I am better than Andy Dick for your 4 reasons PLUS I didn’t kill Phil Hartman.
On 07/22/08 at 11:42 am
Bobby Finstock said:
Touche
On 07/22/08 at 1:39 pm
Carolyn said:
I’m better than Andy Dick because my last name isn’t Dick. Quite simple!
On 07/22/08 at 1:46 pm
Carolyn said:
Oh, and when I fondle a girl’s breasts… it’s hot.
On 07/22/08 at 5:33 pm
Bobby Finstock said:
Can I watch?
On 07/22/08 at 3:32 pm
LOTNorm said:
He desires penis and meeting you head-to-head? Sounds redundant.
I think it’s funny you actually picked a picture of a guy with his shirt off. So now I guess we know what guys you find hot.
What? Come on. A blog about Andy Dick deserves gay jokes and you know it does.
On 07/22/08 at 5:32 pm
Bobby Finstock said:
I might as well have opened my ass cheeks and asked for people to make a deposit with that picture.
On 07/22/08 at 10:55 pm
Jinksy said:
I’m better than Andy Dick, because Joe Rogan has never made me look like a complete idiot.
On 07/22/08 at 11:22 pm
Claire said:
You also picked a guy with both ears pierced.
Not sure what that says about you either hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I am better than Andy Dick because I don’t know who is, but I am fairly sure I know who I am.
On 07/23/08 at 8:54 pm
monkeysuit said:
Who really likes Andy Dick? I have never heard anybody say “Man I like Andy Dick he is so talented”
On 07/24/08 at 10:21 pm
Jeff said:
I’ve never been out-acted on a sitcom by Joe Rogan, the chick from CSI: Miami or … well, whatever that red-headed bimbo’s name was.