Superman has Lex Luthor.
Batman has the Joker.
Spiderman has Dr. Octopus.
I have Andy Dick.
Andy Dick is my nemesis. Sure he probably doesn’t remember our last run in. (Nor should he.) But deep down inside he knows that we are rivals. Deep down he desires barely legal penis along with finally meeting me again head to head to finish what was started. (Thank god I don’t classify as barely legal penis.)
One day we will meet on the field of battle for the final time in a fight to the death complete with crazy weapons like a mace, paint ball guns filled with noxious chemicals, and towels rolled up to be used as whips. In the end my ability and non-drug addled brain will destroy his frail, unfunny, and sexually ambiguous self. But until then I can bask in the glory that I am better than Andy Dick.
If you didn’t read about it last week Andy Dick was arrested outside a Murrieta restaurant for sexual assault and possession of marijuana and Xanax.
After reading the details of the arrest I now have multiple reasons for being better than Andy Dick.
1) I have never been arrested for sexual assault- When I fondle a girl’s breasts there are never complaints. (except the next morning when they wake up next to me) And before I fondle them I make sure they are of age. Apparently neither is the case for Mr. Dick.
2) I know that Buffalo Wild Wings is never where the party ends it is where it begins- Being from Buffalo I loathe eating at a Buffalo Wild Wings because I know what good wings are. However in some towns that is the best place to go and I have on occasion set foot in one. However if I do go to Buffalo Wild Wings I am hip enough to know that Buffalo Wild Wings is never the place to be at the end of the night unless you want it to be a sausage fest with middle aged men.
3) My mug shot would never be this creepy- I am a damn handsome man. I would share my picture but you know I have the whole “protected identity” thing going on. This is an approximation of how I look:
4) I never was in “Blonde Ambition”- I don’t even have an agent to guide me and I still wouldn’t have shown up on set for that pile of shit. The guy has to be one step away from blowing people in public restrooms for money.
In fact I don’t just think I am better than Andy Dick. I think most of you are. Okay, probably all of you are.
What is your reason for being better than Andy Dick?