If I Ever Became a Female Stripper…
A few weeks ago when I was home in Western, NY my friends and I ended up at a crappy strip club. While we were there I got into a conversation with a stripper about their music selection. She usually leaned towards late seventies/early eighties rock music, stating that it was her favorite type of music and most girl played a lot of hip hop so she wanted to be different.
We got into a discussion about the impact of music and how her three-song set was structured. She said that she likes to build with the three songs, making the third the most upbeat or loudest. It got me thinking if I were to become a stripper what would my three-song set be?
Aren't all strippers zombies?
I decided that I don’t think I could dance to hip-hop when so many other girls did. So I crossed all the hip-hop off of my list. While the”Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue and “Paradise City” by Guns N Roses are strip club staples and reliable, I wanted to change my stuff up a bit.
Note: “A Lap Dance is So Much Better When a Stripper is Crying” by the Bloodhound Gang didn’t make the cut but was given serious consideration.
Also I didn’t take rhythm into account for any of this. I am convinced strippers can dance to any song. When you are taking off your clothes you could be playing a Harry Kissenger speech in the background and guys will still be totally attentive.
So here is my three-song set if I ever became a stripper.
“My Doorbell”- By The White Stripes
“I’m thinkin’ about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it
Yeah, I been thinkin’ about my doorbell”
By my doorbell I mean “lapdance”. And ring it I mean “give me twenty dollars”. Also I want to be the first person ever to play a song in a strip club with the word “obtuse” in it.
strippers are evil
“Add it Up”- by the Violent Femmes
“Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me there’d be something’s that I wouldn’t miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw”
I think this song contains every single song a guy asks in a strip club. Well except for the “will you grind your stilettos into my junk?”
The commute to work just got better
Darling Nikki- (Originally by Prince) covered by the Foo Fighters
“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
masturbating with a magazine
she said how’d u like 2 waste sometime
& I could not resist when I saw little
Nikki grind”
I have never heard either version of this song played at a strip club before. (Not that I go weekly or anything and the fact that I am not sober while there also might impact what I hear.) I just think this song should be the ultimate strip club rock song…
If for some reason I was a hot female I would be dangerous and rich. I wonder if I could start a school for strippers?
(Note: I copied and pasted the lyrics from a lyrics site. You have to love how horrible the last copy is.)
What would your stripper songs be?
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On 07/21/08 at 12:59 pm
Bridget said:
Although, I wouldn’t necessarily dance a set to this, I like to start off slow and burlesque-like with Sil Austin’s Slow Walk. Then, move it into a pole dance routine for two songs: Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet and The White Stripes’ Seven Army Nation.
On 07/21/08 at 1:25 pm
Kevin said:
Two white stripes plugs in one day… I am sure they would be proud of this website.
On 07/21/08 at 1:04 pm
Meghan said:
Although I wouldn’t make it MY first choice, ‘Crazy Bitch’ by Buck Cherry has always seemed like a Strip Club Anthem.
“HEY! You’re a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good I’m on top of it.
When I dream, I’m doin’ you all night.
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on!”
And it has another line that says,
“Another one night paid in full”.
The entire song is a vision of one dollar bills.
On 07/21/08 at 1:24 pm
Kevin said:
I am still in shock they are still around.
On 07/21/08 at 1:41 pm
Meghan said:
They have ANOTHER album coming out. So does Ben Folds…guess which one I am going to buy.
On 07/21/08 at 1:43 pm
Kevin said:
well you have taste because you read my blog… so it has to be Ben Folds
On 07/21/08 at 2:24 pm
Meghan said:
I had an angry professor tell me ‘Meghan, your crafty prudence will get the best of you!’ If only I could go back and tell him I have ‘TASTE’.
On 07/21/08 at 1:28 pm
Vince said:
I think you should have gone with a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying. I mean with lyris lie the ones below how can you not.
So, Bambi’s goin’ on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, “Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus’s tummy-tum?”
On 07/21/08 at 1:39 pm
Kevin said:
I am actually saving it for my wedding song
On 07/21/08 at 1:53 pm
LOTNorm said:
First, a tease: “Touch My Body” Mariah Carey
Then, for clarity: “Don’t Touch Me” Brak (from Space Ghost)
Lastly: “She Left Me with the Herpes” Tiny Tim; in case they still have any ideas.
I suppose this whole set could be avoided by not using “Touch My Body” but it’s just such a good stripper song.
On 07/22/08 at 1:35 pm
Carolyn said:
You would make a terrible stripper.
Funny, but terrible.
On 07/21/08 at 2:20 pm
matty said:
Is there any doubt that mine would be “Tip Toe Through The Tulips”?
On 07/21/08 at 2:40 pm
randi said:
Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
The Stroke - Billy Squier
So many different Britney songs to choose from for the finale…
On 07/21/08 at 3:47 pm
Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Ha! My ex-gf used to dance to “The Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying” when she knew one of the girls she hated was out working the VIP room. The song goes on forEVer and the girls would bitch her out because they were having to grind on some guy while the singer went on about how sexy missing children were. Yeah, strippers ARE evil.
I have to think about my three-song set and get back to you on that.
On 07/21/08 at 4:06 pm
Bucky Four-Eyes said:
OK, here are three that might work in progression:
Amy Winehouse “You Know I’m No Good”
The Beastie Boys “Root Down”
Cake “Short Skirt/Long Jacket”
I’m sure I can think up a better set with longer to think about it.
On 07/21/08 at 6:14 pm
Brittny said:
I have never commented before, but I spent many drunk nights in booby bars thinking what my songs would be. This is my short list in no order.
Scum of the Earth by Rob Zombie
Faith by George Michael
Kiss by Prince
Sexbomb by Tom Jones
Stinkfist by Tool
Beat It by Michael Jackson
Faggot by MSI
I Need a Freak by Too Short
You Can Leave Your Hat On by Joe Cocker
Ok I could on and on and that’s just rude, sorry.
On 07/22/08 at 5:35 pm
Bobby Finstock said:
You should comment more often… Stinkfist
On 07/21/08 at 8:38 pm
Jeff said:
I would go with a three-song Frank Sinatra set, just to fuck with people.
On 07/21/08 at 10:52 pm
PsYcHo BiTcH said:
“BILINGUAL”
BY: JOSE NUNEZ
On 07/22/08 at 7:16 am
SinisterDan said:
If I were to change genders and become a female stripper, my song would be the 1812 Overture. At the end, they use cannons, and so would I.
On 07/22/08 at 5:35 pm
Bobby Finstock said:
That was the comment of the day
On 07/22/08 at 2:32 pm
E said:
The Foo Fighters’ cover of “Darling Nikki” is a brilliant choice. Off the top of my head, here are a couple of my picks:
N.E.R.D. - “She Wants To Move”
Kid Rock - “Cowboy”
Rob Zombie - “Living Dead Girl”
Honorable mentions might be Marilyn Manson’s cover of “Tainted Love”, Elvis Costello’s “I Want You”, Chaka Khan’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s “Little Wing”…come to think of it, I’d probably be a pretty creepy stripper.
On 07/22/08 at 11:42 pm
Aymie said:
Interesting…But in New Orleans where I’m from….They seem to only dance to two songs. Which is actually a good thing if you ask me, because if they fucking suck I’m glad they got the fuck outta there. And if they left too soon…It doesn’t matter because they come find me anyway
Hmmm.
Everlong–Foo Fighters.
I’d dance that one song, and vanish mysteriously….
Into a vip booth.
On 07/23/08 at 3:28 pm
Melissa said:
First song: Fever by Peggy Lee
Second song: Sex Action by L.A. Guns
Third set: Heaven’s on Fire by Kiss