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If I Ever Became a Female Stripper…

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/21/08 @ 12:23 pm

A few weeks ago when I was home in Western, NY my friends and I ended up at a crappy strip club. While we were there I got into a conversation with a stripper about their music selection. She usually leaned towards late seventies/early eighties rock music, stating that it was her favorite type of music and most girl played a lot of hip hop so she wanted to be different.

We got into a discussion about the impact of music and how her three-song set was structured. She said that she likes to build with the three songs, making the third the most upbeat or loudest. It got me thinking if I were to become a stripper what would my three-song set be?

Aren't all strippers zombies?

Aren't all strippers zombies?

I decided that I don’t think I could dance to hip-hop when so many other girls did. So I crossed all the hip-hop off of my list. While the”Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue and “Paradise City” by Guns N Roses are strip club staples and reliable, I wanted to change my stuff up a bit.

Note: “A Lap Dance is So Much Better When a Stripper is Crying” by the Bloodhound Gang didn’t make the cut but was given serious consideration.

Also I didn’t take rhythm into account for any of this. I am convinced strippers can dance to any song. When you are taking off your clothes you could be playing a Harry Kissenger speech in the background and guys will still be totally attentive.

So here is my three-song set if I ever became a stripper.

“My Doorbell”- By The White Stripes
“I’m thinkin’ about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it
Yeah, I been thinkin’ about my doorbell”

By my doorbell I mean “lapdance”. And ring it I mean “give me twenty dollars”.   Also I want to be the first person ever to play a song in a strip club with the word “obtuse” in it.

strippers are evil

strippers are evil

“Add it Up”- by the Violent Femmes
“Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me there’d be something’s that I wouldn’t miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw”

I think this song contains every single song a guy asks in a strip club. Well except for the “will you grind your stilettos into my junk?”

The commute to work just got better

The commute to work just got better

Darling Nikki- (Originally by Prince) covered by the Foo Fighters
“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
masturbating with a magazine
she said how’d u like 2 waste sometime
& I could not resist when I saw little
Nikki grind”

I have never heard either version of this song played at a strip club before. (Not that I go weekly or anything and the fact that I am not sober while there also might impact what I hear.) I just think this song should be the ultimate strip club rock song…

If for some reason I was a hot female I would be dangerous and rich. I wonder if I could start a school for strippers?

(Note: I copied and pasted the lyrics from a lyrics site. You have to love how horrible the last copy is.)

What would your stripper songs be?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

46 Responses to “If I Ever Became a Female Stripper…”

  1. Bridget says:

    Although, I wouldn’t necessarily dance a set to this, I like to start off slow and burlesque-like with Sil Austin’s Slow Walk. Then, move it into a pole dance routine for two songs: Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet and The White Stripes’ Seven Army Nation.

  2. Meghan says:

    Although I wouldn’t make it MY first choice, ‘Crazy Bitch’ by Buck Cherry has always seemed like a Strip Club Anthem.

    “HEY! You’re a crazy bitch
    But you fuck so good I’m on top of it.
    When I dream, I’m doin’ you all night.
    Scratches all down my back to keep me right on!”

    And it has another line that says,
    “Another one night paid in full”.

    The entire song is a vision of one dollar bills.

  3. Vince says:

    I think you should have gone with a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying. I mean with lyris lie the ones below how can you not.

    So, Bambi’s goin’ on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
    So I says, “Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
    is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
    with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
    resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus’s tummy-tum?”

  4. LOTNorm says:

    First, a tease: “Touch My Body” Mariah Carey

    Then, for clarity: “Don’t Touch Me” Brak (from Space Ghost)

    Lastly: “She Left Me with the Herpes” Tiny Tim; in case they still have any ideas.

    I suppose this whole set could be avoided by not using “Touch My Body” but it’s just such a good stripper song.

  5. matty says:

    Is there any doubt that mine would be “Tip Toe Through The Tulips”?

  6. randi says:

    Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard
    The Stroke – Billy Squier
    So many different Britney songs to choose from for the finale…

  7. Ha! My ex-gf used to dance to “The Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying” when she knew one of the girls she hated was out working the VIP room. The song goes on forEVer and the girls would bitch her out because they were having to grind on some guy while the singer went on about how sexy missing children were. Yeah, strippers ARE evil.

    I have to think about my three-song set and get back to you on that.

  8. OK, here are three that might work in progression:

    Amy Winehouse “You Know I’m No Good”
    The Beastie Boys “Root Down”
    Cake “Short Skirt/Long Jacket”

    I’m sure I can think up a better set with longer to think about it.

  9. Brittny says:

    I have never commented before, but I spent many drunk nights in booby bars thinking what my songs would be. This is my short list in no order.

    Scum of the Earth by Rob Zombie
    Faith by George Michael
    Kiss by Prince
    Sexbomb by Tom Jones
    Stinkfist by Tool
    Beat It by Michael Jackson
    Faggot by MSI
    I Need a Freak by Too Short
    You Can Leave Your Hat On by Joe Cocker

    Ok I could on and on and that’s just rude, sorry.

  10. Jeff says:

    I would go with a three-song Frank Sinatra set, just to fuck with people.

  11. PsYcHo BiTcH says:


  12. SinisterDan says:

    If I were to change genders and become a female stripper, my song would be the 1812 Overture. At the end, they use cannons, and so would I.

  13. E says:

    The Foo Fighters’ cover of “Darling Nikki” is a brilliant choice. Off the top of my head, here are a couple of my picks:

    N.E.R.D. – “She Wants To Move”
    Kid Rock – “Cowboy”
    Rob Zombie – “Living Dead Girl”

    Honorable mentions might be Marilyn Manson’s cover of “Tainted Love”, Elvis Costello’s “I Want You”, Chaka Khan’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s “Little Wing”…come to think of it, I’d probably be a pretty creepy stripper.

  14. Aymie says:

    Interesting…But in New Orleans where I’m from….They seem to only dance to two songs. Which is actually a good thing if you ask me, because if they fucking suck I’m glad they got the fuck outta there. And if they left too soon…It doesn’t matter because they come find me anyway :)

    Everlong–Foo Fighters.
    I’d dance that one song, and vanish mysteriously….
    Into a vip booth.

  15. Melissa says:

    First song: Fever by Peggy Lee
    Second song: Sex Action by L.A. Guns
    Third set: Heaven’s on Fire by Kiss

  16. Wes says:

    ZZ Top ALWAYS is a great choice for droppin’ the laundry. TREMENDOUS hard driving drums, skrunchin guitars and lyrics about fukked up stuff.

    Of course, I’d watch a girl strip to Happy Birthday, so who cares about the music.

    xoxoxo (Love the comment about “will you grind your stilettos into my junk.” Really LOL’ed on that one.)

  17. wynn says:

    i am a stripper and you guys are dumb.

  18. Sarah says:

    Aerosmith – Falling In Love (is hard on the knees)

  19. Andrew says:

    Hey!!I actually own a strip bar in Tenerife (Babewatch) Come and see us if your in the neighbour hood!! LoL…

    The girls ALL love Jordin Sparxx – Freeze! at the mo… Also Cherish – Killa…

    I think Dirty Diana Is a choooon to dance to!!


  20. QTsass says:

    DEFINITELY “Dirty Little Girl” by New Life Crisis. LOVE it.

    • Rock says:

      Are you kidding!?!?! That song was about as fun and upbeat as watching old people fuck.

  21. jeff says:

    i write a blog about underground strip club music give :)
    my personnal favorite
    massive attack – angel
    portihead – road
    Compulsory Skin – Twisted
    Da Hool – Wir Sind Sexy
    First State featuring Anita Kelsey – Falling

    and many others:)

  22. Zoey says:

    I am a stripper, I only get two songs per set.
    First set: Deftones- “change” Tool- “sober”.
    Second: Foo Fighters- “everlong” Deftones- “no ordinary love”
    Third: Marilyn Manson- “tainted love” and “the fight song”
    Final: ( just to mix things up ) Lil John- “get low” TI- “whatever you like”

    I’m a very dysfunctional stripper. The only one at my bar, so some nights I make zero money, other nights I make more than any of the others.

  23. megan says:

    i just recently got wasted at a stip bar and obviously found it naked to make an ass of myself. but i decided pink by aerosmith is the best song. it has a uppy beat and sexy lyrics :)

  24. Christina says:

    I’m doing a lap dance for my fiance on his birthday. The two I’ve managed to pick out so far are:
    Beyonce- Naughty Girl
    Britney Spears- Breathe On Me

    Can’t figure out what I want for a third song though…
    I’m doing a schoolgirl theme so Closer is out, and if it’s last it has to keep the energy from Breathe On Me, but if it’s first it needs to transition smoothly into Naughty Girl…
    Or maybe I’m just over-thinking it because I’m bipolar with that whole OCD tendencies thing…

  25. Christina says:

    Okay, so I found my third song ^^ The whole routine in order is:

    Naughty Girl- Beyonce
    Breathe On Me- Britney Spears
    Hot in Herre- Nelly

    Figure I’ll tease in Naughty Girl, get up in his face in Breathe On Me, and then strip in Hot in Herre.

    • Hot in Herre should never be used for anything… ever

      • I must disagree, Finstock. I reminisce about my neighbor doing a drunken strip tease to that song out on her deck when she had a party while her parents were away.

        She was 18.

        She was hot.

        I was 26 and my wife was out with friends.

        Whack away, Mr. Warren, whack away.

  26. Freki says:

    I’d definately start of with something rockin’ and catchy to get attention – Magdalena by A Perfect Circle. I’ll make sure they are certainly compelled to throw that dollar down.
    Then something a little more upbeat, leaving them wanting yet more – Erotic City by Prince. We could fuck until the dawn, makin’ love till cherry’s gone. Or you could just give me your money.
    And I would end with something just as upbeat, a little more girly, with a great beat to dance to, to make sure they come back for the next show – Fuck the Pain Away – Peaches. I’m sure how tight their pants would be getting would certainly need some fucking to go away. =]]

  27. Arden says:

    Currently a stripper myself…loved the subway video!

    I am a country girl stuck in upstate ny however…so I dance start out with a country song every set.

    1~Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
    2~Come on Closer by Jem
    3~Kylie by Akcent

    goes something like that…I have to have a mix to please the customers. Playing all country would drive most in ny away from the stage…but playing something too heavy usually makes the older crowd leave. This suits me and them.

    Look up Peepers in Utica, ny if you’re ever around the area!

  28. Ryleigh says:

    this is a real good thing. i have an audition to be a dancer this week, so im trying to get together some songs for a set. they said they’re in real need to have dancers and am 5′8″ and about 130 lbs so i think Ill get hired, plus im 18 :P . anyways, Ive got:

    Undead-Hollywood Undead (actually heard it in the club when i went as a customer)
    I Love College-Asher Roth
    Turnin me on -Keri Hilson
    Zombie- the Cranberries
    I’m So Paid-Akon
    I Kissed a Girl – Katy Perry
    Sweet Soul Sister – The Cult
    Moi Lolita – Alizee
    Cyclone – Baby Bash
    Living Deal Girl – Rob Zombie (cuz im a die hard fan)
    Thunder Kiss ‘65 – “” “”
    Whatever you Like – T.I.
    She Wants It (Ayo Technology) 50 Cent
    Dangerous – Akon
    Got Money – Lil Wayne

    any feedback?

  29. Alexis Haner says:

    “Girl I Know” and “Scream” by Avenged Sevenfold

    I teach chair dance to those songs. Very sexy and fast if ur the rocker type.

  30. AlphaB says:

    Pussy Control by Lords of Acid

  31. me says:

    Those girls on that NY subway are just asking to get mugged and raped.

  32. T.D says:

    I have been dancing for quit a while, I was very disappointed to not see a certain song on any list.
    Rules in song sets..there is only one..

    Look at your crowd
    they are the ones with the money, and a good dancer can dance to anything. Most of the time, guys are not worried about what song is playing, they are focused solely on whether or not you can move your body, and in the seductive manner you can or cannot.

    1. smashing pumpkins- eye
    2. jem- come on closer
    3. joi- lick

  33. Jessica says:

    Long Hair by Mr. Biggs, gotta do it dirty in the dirty south!

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