Parade Magazine Questions Answered: They Can’t Be Any Worse Than the Crap They Print
“Parade Magazine Questions Answered” blogs are the longest running bits on my blog. Basically there is nothing more than I hate in the world than the “Personalities on Parade” section of that crappy magazine that comes with your Sunday paper. The questions are dumb, planted, and just downright mind numbing. I used to write a column ripping on the questions in there but got away from it. I was asked last week to bring them back, so I figured I would try it out this week.
Q Many celebs are jumping on the “green” bandwagon. But can you name a single one who lives a truly green lifestyle?-E. Sagen, Seattle, Wash.
A. Ed Begley Jr. of course. Wait you wanted a celebrity? Um…
Well Kim Cattrall makes sure that the needles used in her botox injections get recycled. That has to count for something right? In fact she founded a special needle-recycling program that is pretty popular in Hollywood now.
Tommy Lee recycles his heroin needles. Sly Stallone recycles his steroid needles. And Denise Richards recycles the needles she uses to inject vodka straight into her bloodstream. Why piss away time having to actually drink anything?
Speaking of Richards, who would have pegged her career path? Basically turning a pseudo lesbian kiss with Neve Campbell into a shitload of crappy movie roles peaking with her marrying Charlie Sheen. Now we get to watch her act like an idiot on her own television program. Some people say it is watching her bottom out but I believe her entire career has maintained the exact line. Riding a quarter inch from complete obscurity.
How the hell did I go from the environment to Denise Richards? Now know why Al Gore has such a tough sell with this environment shit.
Q Jennifer Beals went without a big hit for 20 years between Flashdance and Showtime’s lesbian-themed The L Word. What is she up to next?-K.G., Concord, Mass.
A These are my favorite Parade Questions because they are obviously sent in from PR people. The real answer plugged Jennifer Beals’ upcoming appearance in an independent French Film. The real question that should be asked here is what the hell did Jennifer Beals do for twenty years between her two big hits? Now my money would have been on Real Estate or staring roles in gonzo porn.
No… not like the muppet.
But she continued to work over those twenty years. She has 55 credits on IMDB between “Flashdace” and “The L-Word”. I only have heard of three of the projects that she was in. That might be the largest body of work that nobody has seen. Well unless you include most of Denise Richards projects. (see what I did there, combined the first two… ugh forget it)
Q Is it true that Jake Gyllenhaal will star in a biopic about New York Jets great Joe Namath?-S.R., High Point, N.C.
A. I’m only interested if they recreate him trying to make out with Suzy Kolber on national TV.
Otherwise I don’t care.
Q. We haven’t seen much of Sean Connery lately. Is it true he has Alzheimer’s?-Connie Teague, Hartselle, Ala.
A. Which answer is more inappropriate?
-He can’t remember
Wait there wouldn’t be anything more inappropriate. Never mind…
Actually he is fine. He lives in the Bahamas and does nothing all day.
Q I’m looking forward to this summer’s new Mummy film, but I’m disappointed that Rachel Weisz won’t be returning as Brendan Fraser’s wife. What gives?-D. Stubbebine, Harrisburg, Pa.
A Yeah I mean since the last Mummy movie she only was nominated for an Academy Award and is now considered a top line actress. I can see why she would do another Mummy movie. Brendan Fraser needs to eat right?
Really when you think about it there is no reason for her to be in this sequel. However if you think about it there are some people that should have starred in sequels that didn’t that are much more inexcusable than this:
Wesley Snipes- Major League Two
Honestly what else did he have going on?
Chris Tucker- Any of the Friday movies
That slate of just doing Rush Hour movies has got to be killer. He is either laziest man in show business or the smartest.
Val Kilmer- Batman and Robin
You know what… yeah he probably made the right choice.
Can you think of anyone else that didn’t star in a sequel that probably should have?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
Nobody gives shit about Jennifer Beals - her scene stealer in Flash Dance was a body double for fuck’s sake!
I’d say 99% of sequels are bunk…even Keanu Reeves had the good sense to stay away from Speed 2. Jason Patric should have stopped with Lost Boys.
OK, Kev…now, I usually look past your typos…but now…your stuff is starting to read like mine….did you happen to drink a pint of bourbon before writing this post??
I cranked it out the other morning while hung over. I didn’t even proof read it. Of course now I have to
Ew, Joe Namath is creepy.
I think Keanu Reeves should have been in Speed II. That was such a disappointment. His phenomenal lack of acting ability is so entertaining.
Thanks Kevin for giving me another term to look up:
gonzo porn
I always learn something from your blogs.
Jim Carey and Jennifer Aniston in “Bruce Almighty 2 (aka evan almighty)
I was also equally disappointed when Julia Stiles chose not to be in “Save the Last Dance 2″.
Drew Barrymore in Scream 2. Oh, wait …
The Namath biopic should not only include the attempted make out session with Kolber but also the subsequent three-week torrid affair wherein the Kama Sutra was explored in its entirety.