I had some dental work done yesterday and the entire left side of my mouth was shot up with so much Novocain that I looked like Carl Spackler from Caddyshack whenever I talked. Needless to say I sat in front of the mirror for like half an hour reciting lines.
My addiction to fruit cups really paid off yesterday considering that and pudding cups were the only thing I could really eat. I knew my child like attachment to food in a cup would pay off someday. Now I am just hoping for my massive midget porn collection to do the same thing. If only I could get my hands on the Vern Troyer Sex Tape. (Thanks for the people that pointed this out yesterday on the celebrity sex tape post, I guess we now have our new celebrity sex tape… unfortunately.)
Speaking of porn I just saw New York Yankees DH Jason Giambi rocking the ultimate porn mustache. I have to say if ever became a professional athlete I would rock the porn stache for a few months just on principle.
If it were me I would be secretly hoping this conversation would take place:
Hot girl: Oh my god, are you a porn star?
Me: No, I play professional baseball. So I know how to handle wood.
(That sounded way better in my head.)
Every time I watch Supernanny I consider cutting off my penis so I don’t reproduce. I am disappointed that Jo-Jo doesn’t use any of the techniques my mom used.
Is their room a mess? Pick up everything on the child’s floor and throw it into a massive garbage bag. Place garbage bag in the middle of the bed with a note saying, “next time it goes to the curb.” The room will stay clean approximately for the next ten years until they move out and rebel by leaving shit all over their floor just because they can.
Hit sister in the head with a golf ball? Make them sit in the corner of the bedroom for an entire weekend or until the swelling and imprint of the ball disappear from the victims head.
Screw this whole sitting on a stool in the corner for four minutes crap.
Days left working for “the man”: 2
How many people are going to watch the Vern Troyer clip out of morbid curiosity?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com