Bits and Pieces
I had some dental work done yesterday and the entire left side of my mouth was shot up with so much Novocain that I looked like Carl Spackler from Caddyshack whenever I talked. Needless to say I sat in front of the mirror for like half an hour reciting lines.
My addiction to fruit cups really paid off yesterday considering that and pudding cups were the only thing I could really eat. I knew my child like attachment to food in a cup would pay off someday. Now I am just hoping for my massive midget porn collection to do the same thing. If only I could get my hands on the Vern Troyer Sex Tape. (Thanks for the people that pointed this out yesterday on the celebrity sex tape post, I guess we now have our new celebrity sex tape… unfortunately.)
Speaking of porn I just saw New York Yankees DH Jason Giambi rocking the ultimate porn mustache. I have to say if ever became a professional athlete I would rock the porn stache for a few months just on principle.
If it were me I would be secretly hoping this conversation would take place:
Hot girl: Oh my god, are you a porn star?
Me: No, I play professional baseball. So I know how to handle wood.
(That sounded way better in my head.)
Every time I watch Supernanny I consider cutting off my penis so I don’t reproduce. I am disappointed that Jo-Jo doesn’t use any of the techniques my mom used.
Is their room a mess? Pick up everything on the child’s floor and throw it into a massive garbage bag. Place garbage bag in the middle of the bed with a note saying, “next time it goes to the curb.” The room will stay clean approximately for the next ten years until they move out and rebel by leaving shit all over their floor just because they can.
Hit sister in the head with a golf ball? Make them sit in the corner of the bedroom for an entire weekend or until the swelling and imprint of the ball disappear from the victims head.
Screw this whole sitting on a stool in the corner for four minutes crap.
Days left working for “the man”: 2
How many people are going to watch the Vern Troyer clip out of morbid curiosity?
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On 06/26/08 at 8:20 am
chris in kingston said:
That’s quite the segue from fruit cups to porn to Jason Giambi. Who’s your dentist and is he or she taking new patients?
On 06/26/08 at 8:39 am
marjorie said:
my dad did that once, with all my stuff. I was like 7 at the time, and I think he might have thrown it away. Sadly it didn’t teach me much, until my ocd came into play with cleaning. And the fact that if i had my room cleaned and my little sibling came in, i would know because he would move my shit around. And fruit and pudding cups are amazing. I wish they were bigger though.
On 06/26/08 at 8:58 am
marjorie said:
i watched the video, the “girl” looks like a weird guy. It scared me
On 06/26/08 at 9:05 am
Meghan said:
Wish you had taped the Carl Spackler session.
If I Nannyed using the same techniques my parents used on me I would be out of a job. Of course, if I acted or spoke like I do when I am off the clock I might also be out of a job…
On 06/26/08 at 9:43 am
Isha said:
OMG….NO FUCKIN WAY. That ugh….omg….I have no comment for the Vern Troyer tape.
As for Giambi’s porn ’stache….I totally wanna ride it. I <3 Giambi.
On 06/26/08 at 9:47 am
LOTNorm said:
First off, how fuckin’ good is fruit in a cup, right? I could eat that shit til’ I shit a cobbler (note: not a guy who makes wooden shoes)
Now, I do not want to watch the Verne Troyer clip… I will however watch it… for research, of course.
Giambi looks like the cop in the Village People.
On 06/26/08 at 10:08 am
Vince said:
The best stache in baseball history still belongs to Rollie Fingers.
On 06/26/08 at 10:16 am
scott said:
I’m at a loss for words! Did Vern Troyer have sex with a pudding cup? I’m confused!!
On 06/27/08 at 5:56 am
Katie said:
That thought seriously made me crack up.
On 06/26/08 at 10:51 am
Tisay said:
hahah! the porn stache. it’s awesome. he should rock a mullet too. totally white trash.
i’d watch Verne Troyer’s sex tape, just to see if he bangs like normal-sized man.
fruit cups are awesome.
On 06/26/08 at 12:13 pm
moooooog35 said:
Mike Piazza is rolling in his grave.
Nevermind…he’s not dead yet.
On 06/26/08 at 6:20 pm
Katie said:
I watched Caddyshack for the first time the other day.
Your midget porn collection will come in handy for you someday, and in someway.
On 06/26/08 at 7:23 pm
Tiffany P. said:
The only thing sexier than a Professional Athlete Porn Mustache is a FIREFIGHTER Porn Mustache.
And on a personal note, I don’t want to hear any bitching when your intestines are all messed up from fruit cup overdose.
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
But at least your plumber has job security.
On 06/26/08 at 10:19 pm
Darcie said:
I hit my sister on the head once with a hammer. My dad went out and bought her a bigger hammer so she could hit me on the head with it. We never needed Jo-Jo.
On 06/28/08 at 10:55 pm
Chris C said:
Vern’s sex tape reminds me of the first time me and my roommates had internet access(mid-90’s). One of them yells ‘Chris hurry check this out’. I run up to his room and he shows me a pic of a girl standing over a guy and crapping into his mouth.
I’m still trying to remove that one from memory.