The Five Dirtiest Places Known to Mankind
There is nothing worse in life than walking into a room and knowing that you shouldn’t touch anything in said room or you will probably need a booster shot. I’m not Howie Mandel or anything but there are some places that just scream disease. Through in depth scientific research I have determined the five dirtiest places known to mankind.
5) The public hot tub of any hotel
Even though they pump these hot tubs with enough chlorine to melt the skin off of a newborn child these cesspools are never truly clean.
When I was leaving the hotel in Saratoga this weekend there was caution tape around the hotel hot tub. That means either urine, semen, or vomit was heavily involved in that hot tub the previous night. Either that or someone from the Johnson and Garner wedding party was drowned in a chicken fight gone horribly wrong.
4) The Finagle a Bagel bathroom across the street from Boston Common
Any bathroom that is publically accessible next to a large park is ripe for abuse. I think the Finagle a Bagel bathroom is the public bathhouse for the homeless. For the life of me I can’t figure out how inches of dirt can get on a wall nor what the smell is that emanates from there.
Also judging by what is on and around the toilet, the mounted Police march their horses in there to crap. Which while impressive from a tactical level it doesn’t make the place any more hygienic.
3) The back alley behind any restaurant
A wretched stench and a film of grease cover everything within 100 feet of the back alley of a restaurant. The asphalt is always stained with some toxic chemical and there is always a rotted lettuce leaf embedded into the ground.
It always makes me question what is being produced in the kitchen and what lengths they go to make what is being put on my plate to look good. You know what? It is probably better that I don’t know.
Of course in some rare cases, like the Livonia Inn (nestled in downtown Livonia, NY), the back alley is actually probably cleaner than the kitchen. I wonder how much the owner had to bribe the health department in order to pass inspection.
2) Anywhere Kid Rock is currently
When you look at him you know that he probably hasn’t taken a shower in two days and smells like a combination of stale cigarette smoke and whiskey. You know that he has to be a carrier of most major STDs.
Plus for some reason I think he carries around the corpse of that little midget that use to hang out with him like the guys in “Weekend at Bernie’s”. How many times do you think his road crew pulled the old, “If you want to get backstage you need to have sex with this midget” gag?
That can’t be hygienic.
1) Any ladies room at an outdoor concert venue during the summer
I don’t care if it is the Jonas Brothers in concert, the symphony, or Metallica the bathrooms at an outdoor concert venue will always be disgusting. For some reason during outdoor concert season people discover the power of alcohol and what happens when you tailgate for four hours or more before a concert.
By the time they make it into the venue they are about to explode on various fronts. When they do none of it ends up in the toilet. This is why I don’t wear sandals to outdoor concerts.
Also ladies, I have to question the whole “hovering” strategy. If you all just sat from the start and didn’t hover wouldn’t the bathrooms be at least 75% cleaner? Hovering over the crapper probably has the fame accuracy rate as carpet-bombing did during the Second World War.
What do you think is the most disgusting place you have been?
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On 06/23/08 at 8:02 am
Jennie said:
All I can do at this moment is imagine you wearing sandals and wonder what type of sandals you’re referring to.
For some reason I have Jesus sandals in my head…
On 06/23/08 at 8:17 am
Kevin said:
Just flip flops… Nothing exciting.
On 06/23/08 at 8:27 am
Marty said:
Hopefully they just roped off the hot tub because it leads to some Narnia-esque fantasy land rather than it being off-the-chart in semen levels.
On 06/23/08 at 9:57 am
kevin said:
Sadly I found out the hard way
On 06/23/08 at 8:28 am
Gina said:
Definitely any guy friend’s shower. It is always layered with human skin funk….
On 06/23/08 at 10:05 am
kevin said:
I resent that remark (goes and cleans shower)
On 06/23/08 at 9:01 am
Jamie said:
That was hilarious, esp the Kid Rock. I think another dirty place is any bachelor’s leather couch…
On 06/23/08 at 10:05 am
kevin said:
It is only funny because it is true
On 06/23/08 at 9:07 am
Meghan said:
Have you been tricked into going to a Building 19 store yet? Specifically “Building 19 and 3/4″ on Rt 1. Surprisingly, their pitch is ‘Good Stuff Cheap’, not ‘Diseased Discount Warehouse’ or ‘Filth Multiplies Rapidly Under These Conditions’.
On 06/23/08 at 10:05 am
kevin said:
I haven’t been to one yet. And after this ringing endorsement I am staying far away.
On 06/23/08 at 10:00 am
clientsideshow bob said:
Any Stuckey’s bathroom on the way to Busch Gardens in VA. A major tourist trap, these Stuckey’s are the only public bathrooms along the lonely Route 13 drive. And for some reason, they are just covered in filth. Avoid them!
And avoid Stuckeys. Personally, I’d recommend just walking into someone’s house and taking a piss before the roadside crap-shelter stop.
On 06/23/08 at 10:04 am
kevin said:
I’ve never even been in a Stuckey’s. I think I have driven by one.
On 06/23/08 at 10:39 am
Jeremy said:
You forgot to put Paris Hilton’s crotch on your list.
On 06/23/08 at 10:47 am
Kevin said:
It was number 7.
On 06/23/08 at 10:56 am
The Divine Grace said:
Any area near Courtney Love’s pelvic region has an inch of filth on it, is probably scabby and has various horrors scuttling around on it.
On 06/23/08 at 11:04 am
Kevin said:
Don’t forget the puss…
On 06/23/08 at 4:05 pm
Meghan said:
scuttling around on it…ewwww.
On 06/23/08 at 11:08 am
Kari said:
Anywhere Tila Tequila has been will probably need a good scrubdown with Bon Ami and industrial-strength bleach. And those poor idiots who wanted a shot at love with her will need a shot in the arm of some sort.
Also, the lone unisex porta-potty at Great Falls National Park in Virginia. Yes, it’s the only restroom in the entire friggin’ park.
On 06/23/08 at 12:14 pm
Jamie said:
oh yea! Tila, should go side by side with the Kid..
On 06/23/08 at 11:28 am
Marc said:
Anyone mention gas station bathrooms?
On 06/23/08 at 11:42 am
moooooog35 said:
You forgot to mention Pam Anderson’s cha-cha.
Actually…I guess that falls under the “Anywhere Kid Rock is Currently.”
On 06/23/08 at 11:45 am
JT said:
The one night stand I had in college. The last one, not the first three.
On 06/23/08 at 11:53 am
Gwenivere said:
You mentioned the back alley behind a restaurant, but you really should have just mentioned the kitchen. Having worked in the bar/restaurant industry, I do not eat out anymore. Only the occasional fast food chicken wrap when I’m running late.
On 06/23/08 at 12:02 pm
Ronda said:
Since you mention Howie Mandel, did you know that he has such a fear of public toilets that he will shit in a paper bag and carry it with him until he can dispose of it?
On 06/23/08 at 12:12 pm
E said:
When I was 8, I got ringworm from a public hot tub at a health club. That’s pleasant to treat, let me tell you. Close personal seconds for filth would be the bathrooms at the Warped Tour in Billings, MT. Not bathrooms, per se. Port-a-Potties. In 100-degree heat. And although heat doesn’t probably make the bathrooms any filthier than they would be at 65 degrees, they sure smell that way.
On 06/23/08 at 12:23 pm
Evil Poptart said:
I surprised Paris Hilton’s hoo-hoo wasn’t on your list! Oh, and middle eastern toilets. Have you ever seen one of those? They are D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G!
On 06/23/08 at 12:27 pm
Evil Poptart said:
Just incase you have never seen one. heres a link:
http://baanjochim.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/squat-toilet01.jpg
You put your feet on each side and squat…actually, this one is the cleanest one Ive seen. EK!
On 06/23/08 at 1:47 pm
tiffany p. said:
that takes incredible skill and stamina.
On 06/23/08 at 2:13 pm
Regretful Morning said:
Kid Rock is one filthy looking dirtbag.
On 06/23/08 at 4:25 pm
scott said:
The Comfort Inn , Rich Creek, Va. truely disgusting. I had to change rooms immediately the sheets were so dirty,fungus in the shower stall and dust on the paneling made my skin itch for two weeks.
On 06/23/08 at 6:34 pm
LOTNorm said:
Peepshow booth.
On 06/23/08 at 7:33 pm
tiggy said:
I was unfortunate enough to share a workplace toilet with ten male motorcycle builders with bad directional skills. ‘American Chopper’ may look glamourous, but belive me…
On 06/23/08 at 10:17 pm
Karl Rove said:
Yeah, that Finagle a Bagel bathroom is used by homeless people a lot. They sleep on the steps of that church that’s right next door. I prefer Dunkin’ Donuts anyway.
On 07/4/08 at 4:12 am
mantiz said:
some tiolets in our college hostel would make even kidrock throw up you know..
On 07/9/08 at 12:09 am
Mee said:
Don’t hover ladies,use toilet paper to cover the seat and sit on it. is it that hard?
On 07/10/08 at 7:13 pm
Kally said:
i stayed in a hotel in paris that was repulsive. it was our first week of backpacking in europe and we didn’t know any better.
there were stains on the carpets, and pubes in the sheets, and the shower was so backed up with hairballs that the stench was unbearable.
also, our window opened to a courtyard that was shared with an ancient man with emphysema who spent his entire day coughing and spitting out the window. i never looked down to see how many years that had been going on.
we lasted only long enough in that hotel to go out and find a better one.