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Who will star in the next great celebrity sex tape?

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/13/08 @ 8:02 am

We haven’t had a major sex tape scandal in awhile. America is waiting with baited breath for the next major “leak” of a tape that gets us all talking at our water coolers. There is nothing better than the uncomfortable conversation at work when someone brings up the subject of the tape and you sheepishly admit to have watched it. Immediately after doing that people slowly begin to chime in and say that they have watched it as well. Followed by the one person that didn’t and sends you an e-mail asking where they can find it on the net.

Well… maybe not everyone in America is looking forward to this. Maybe it is just me because I am bored with watching Tommy Lee drive a boat with his cock while Pam Anderson says totally stupid things.
Here are five candidates and the odds for them to leak out a sex tape in the next couple of years.

Heidi Montag and Spencer whatever his last name is

heidi montag and spencer pratt

These two are attention whores to the max. They leak to the paparazzi where they are going to be and totally stage whatever they are doing so they can get photos placed in places like Us Weekly. Right now they are riding the wave of success from “The Hills” which has about two more seasons before people totally check out and don’t care. Once that happens they are screwed. It has clearly been established that she has no talent and the only way to remain in the public eye will be to make a sex tape.

I will bet anything that we will be able to totally smell Heidi’s desperation right through the screen. It will rank right up there with the first time a girl strips because she is broke.

Odds: I think this one is a no brainer. Vegas should take it off the board.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

brad pitt and angelina jolie

Never will happen. I think if they had sex and taped it there would be an utter metaphysical catastrophe. It would open up some odd space-time continuum and midgets would come through on a pirate ship wreaking havoc and destroying the world we know.

Odds: Never going to happen

Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan

samantha ronson

Ronson is kind of ugly. She reminds me of a girl I slept with right after college that was in the dance program at SUNY Geneseo. I got into a fight with her at “the bar” one night and called her a “cum dumpster”… It wasn’t one of my finer moments.

Anyways, I think this is Lohan’s college phase. Since she actually has never and will never attend school this is her experimental phase. I don’t see this lasting past the end of the summer making a sex tape unlikely.

Odds: 300 to 1

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

ashton demi and bruce

Ashton likes to produce now and Demi will need to make one more attempt to hold onto her youth. This will be a perfect project for him instead of the mindless goofball shit he is attached to. I will bet anything she will be denied from a high profile role and will use a sex tape to get herself back out there in public.
I also would like to bet that Bruce Willis would probably be holding the camera. Does anyone else think that they are all too close of friends?

Odds: 10 to 1

Bea Arthur and Samuel L. Jackson


It would be hot. It would be topical. It would be interracial and you know it would involve anal and vegetables.

However she would probably break a hip.

But I think we need to make this happen.

Odds: 3,000,000 to 1

Good luck on getting Bea Arthur getting railed by Samuel L. Jackson out of your head today.

Who do you think is likely to make the next celebrity sex tape?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

34 Responses to “Who will star in the next great celebrity sex tape?”

  1. Charlotte says:

    Kevin, starring as Old McDonald?

  2. Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray. No wait that has kinda happened already. Willard Scott and Michelle Malkin

  3. Meghan says:

    Tila Tequila is going to have to do something after her show runs out, and people stop believing she’s Bi.

    Jodie Sweetin is all growns up with a new baby, but she used to be a meth addict and I wouldn’t put it past her.

    • Kevin says:

      I think Shot of Love has one more go around in it… Sadly

      • Meghan says:

        Say it ain’t so. It’s pretty bad if I can’t even keep the show on as background noise. The other night I chose ‘13 Going on 30′ over ‘Shot at Love’ while I did my laundry.

  4. em em says:

    Is Don Knotts still alive? Him and Rosie Perez. =P

  5. Chris says:

    My guess would have to be Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore…wait a minute that was my dream from last night…

    Does anyone else think that Spencer dude is just a robot…or gay?

  6. Kari says:

    Geez, I thought that was a guy in that picture of Samantha Ronson!

  7. Tisay says:

    i say, a three-way with both the Spears sisters and Mel Gibson.
    and then they both get impregnated by gibson and have jewish babies.

    the girls would be famous again for popping out kids like a pez dispenser. and gibson, will make a comeback by not admitting those babies are his and producing a show like Maury. but instead it’d be Mel. :P

  8. LOTNorm says:

    Wilford Brimley and Betty White… he can give her an “insulin” shot with his “diabeatus”.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if the Demi Moore sex tape would be with Bruce Willis with Kutcher holding the camera… and it’s all a Nikon commercial.

  9. Richard Gere’s ass and Burt Reynold’s hairpiece.

  10. deadinthewater says:

    Maybe they’re on Celebrity Circus? I think three of the four contestants have already bared it in playboy. We’ll see who get’s eliminated next week and find out.

  11. your uncle says:

    hey…now that you are working from your bed, do you even have a water cooler?…better yet, anyone to talk to at all?

    • Kevin says:

      I won’t start working from home until the first week in July… At that point I will just be talking to the wall,.

  12. Stephanie says:

    Milley Cyrus will definitely have a sex tape out in the next few years…..wait….at the rate she’s going it will be out in the next few months.

  13. soge shirts says:

    Its going to be Carrot top and one of his adult props. Will be his biggest hit since Chairman of the Board.

  14. James says:

    I want the Ashton/Demi tape to come out. My wish will come true; Willis going McClane on Ashton. Im giddy right now.

    Heidi’s sex tape is already done. The thing is, I dont consider her to be a celebrity. I am totally against this “famous for being famous” shit thats going on.

    Im over Lohan. She means nothing to me. As far as Im concerned, shes dead

  15. Chris C says:

    The scary thing is there is probably someone out there who would want to watch Bea Arthur and Samuel Jackson have sex.

    btw, thanks for the stumble last week. Much appreciated.

  16. pablo says:

    Like when Transformers came out, I’m still hoping for the Megan Fox sex tape.

  17. Augusto says:

    I’m anticipating some exciting bi-partisanship when Dubya does Nancy Pelosi on the dias of the House of Representatives with Nancy working over his ass the whole time with her gavel. She’s kinda butch and scary and he is frat-boy-freaky and scary.

  18. If history is any indication, I think it’ll probably be R Kelly again.

  19. Chica says:

    I hope like hell Heidi and Spence don’t make one. I’d much rather see Brody and LC Go at it.

    Most likely to make the next tape? Kim Kardashian. She’s already had a scare with one, and I’d be willing to bet she’d be the type of person to tape it. Wild guess though.

  20. Steve says:

    If you had Verne Troyer…you win a prize…..

  21. Kimberly says:

    It’s Verne Troyer. It will/is going to be him. Yes, that’s Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple’s apartment. No really. REALLY.

  22. ricecake says:

    Why are celebrities are so quiet recently? I’m dying for more scandals. Perhaps the current trendy cool thing to do is to become political? Instead of making sex tape, Sharon Stone had successfully made herself “an public enemy” of the the Chinese by her infamous earthquake karma theory

  23. mikey777 says:

    Thanks to you, the images of Bea and Samuel are now burned into my brain. Her screaming Sam’s name in that hoarse, raspy voice, and him saying his famous line from Pulp Fiction over and over.

    I’ll have nightmares for years to come. And the bills for my therapy will be forthcoming…

  24. sushant says:

    Its a good to say every veiwer to give their oponion

  25. sushant says:

    I like the saying & I want to say that milley cyrus don’t have to open out any of her sexy photos or sex tapes.almost all of her sexy photos shoulkd be deleted from net

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