How to completely turn a woman into a lesbian
(if you are presently dating me this is one of those blogs you don’t need to read)
My sophomore year of college was pretty great. To start off with I had pretty good living arraignments. I ended up in a “closet single” meaning I had a really tiny room but no roommate. For the second year in a row I lived on a floor that was all female except for the suite I was in. Add into the fact that I was the only white male in the suite and I became the center of attention from the various girls on the floor, life was good.
The guys I lived with were pretty cool. They were all from NYC and covered a range of races. Mostly they ruled because they made homemade rap tapes, busting their rhymes over existing beats leading to the greatest song I have ever heard, “Cock in You Eye”. The chorus was genius:
Cock in your eye
Cock in your mother-fucking eye
It was the delivered with the anger of Cypress Hill but with the originality of a sixth grader learning to cuss, not that there is anything wrong with that.
I even spit mad flow on their follow up single (Cock in Your Eye 2), dropping a verse making fun of our Arab suitemate Ovus, who looked like a chipmunk. (Side Note: Every time they show pictures of terrorists of television I look for Ovus because he had to learn to hate the United States after living with me. The chipmunk jokes always turned into “nuts in your mouth” jokes and it had to have crossed a line at some point.)
Across our hall was a suite with 6 girls in it. One of them was Missy the Lesbian. I became friends with Missy and her roommate Karen, often hanging out in their suite and going to meals with them. Karen was the ultimate Jewish girl from Long Island and was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met. Missy was from somewhere in the New England area and did not like penis. Also she was mildly attractive for someone that wore flannel a little too often.
Thankfully Missy had a solid sense of humor allowing me to make approximately 1,076 lesbian jokes a day. We would sit in the dining hall judging girls and rating them, even creating various scales of grading. I think five tongues or five fists was the highest rating a girl could achieve. There was an odd chemistry there that was hard to explain; maybe it was our shared love of vagina and crude humor. I really couldn’t put my finger on it.
Towards the midway point of the second semester there was a weekend of extreme drinking that included “kegs and eggs” and other all day drinking fun. I stumbled back to my floor at like 6pm on Saturday. None of my suitemates were around so I went next door to bug the girls across the hall. Missy was the only one there and she was totally hammered as well. We were sitting on her bed recounting our adventures from the day and she leaned in out of nowhere to kiss me.
The details of what transpired next are beyond hazy. I know we ended up in my room and I was thinking to myself that this was my opportunity to return a girl to “our team”. Well I did a horrible job at doing that. In my drunken state I had problems taking off my shoes so I just pulled my pants down and didn’t even bother to take them off. Which was a slap to the face for Missy and didn’t leave a good impression in her brief return to the land of dick. It was probably my worst sexual performance in my entire life for many reasons. After which Missy got up and stated before leaving the room, “I can never question if I am a lesbian ever again.”
She got engaged three months later. I’d like to think I helped her down a path to happiness.
I don’t even know what to ask for a question here.
Have you ever made a homemade rap tape and turned a girl lesbian all in the same semester?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
Unless you wrote ‘It’s only game 1. Enough with the drinks, go to bed for Fuck’s sake!’, I’m out. For all I know I did make out with a lesbian last night.
ughhhh…
uh? was it hot?
Ovus is a funny name.
Yes… yes it is
“Have you ever made a homemade rap tape and turned a girl lesbian all in the same semester?”
May, 1987.
It was actually my rap tape that turned her into a lesbian.
Once you see your five-foot-two white boyfriend try to rap, you basically have no choice but to question your sexuality.
please tell me you wore your hat sideways
The guy had a name like “Ovus” and you didn’t play on that?!?! What’s wrong with you!? I would ahve been calling him Ovaries from day one.
Actually I just spent the time making “you hate all the jews” jokes
I argree with Fiona, maybe if you would have just called him names and left the nuts in your mouth thing alone he wouldnt have blown up shit on 9/11
it really is all my fault isn’t it?
You killed America with lesbians and rap music.
Don’t you like how your evilness escalated in the comments?
I have never made a rap tape, but it’s always a possibility that I’ve turned a lesbo or five.
I have been blamed for worse
“…return to the land of dick.” Now that’s some funny shit right there. I will be stealing and using that line.
Who would be the mayor of the land of dick?
Dick Van Dyke, natch.
All in a semester’s work, Kevin.
It is the small goals
Cock in your eye
Cock in your mother-fucking eye
that’s fuckin gold right there, Vanilla Ice could make a comeback with that.
i have never made a rap tape, but once when i was a kid, my sister and i would record our voices singing Debbie Gibson songs and we’d put it on the stereo and play it full volume on parties.
i was such a nerd.
Vanilla can’t handle a rhyme that hot
Loving the disclaimer at the beginning of the blog.
I’ve made lots of raps…I guess its an NYC thing. It was always offensive. Like for instance this diddily that I made my senior year of high school….picture it 1998, I’m 16.
“Put it in your mouth and take it to the head
Swallow it down before he puts you on da bed.
With his dick in ya ear fuck what ya heard
Lord knows girl, u’s nothin but a bird.”
Mind you I went to an all girls school. So almost all the girls there were lesbians….but I’m sure after a few of my friends heard that doozie, they became full blown lesbos.
That is modern day poetry
I am still in utter shock that you missed the opportunity to make a crude joke about “putting the finger on the chemistry”; other than that Kevin, I can say you have experienced what most men dream of.
Oh no… I thought of it this morning and went back and forth. For some reason I thought it was too sophomoric. Yeah… I have no idea what was I thinking.
I can understand the internal delimma on that situation; however, I (as the only female under the age of 30 in my offie or group of friend) can not pass up a chance to insert a sexually offensive comment into a conversation.
Maybe it is just me that can’t refuse!
That story would make a great movie X.x