Want to get married? Go on a reality show.
Apparently there is some mystical point in your life where you realize that there are no people in your social circles that are worth marrying or have the ability to introduce you to someone worth marrying. Usually this coincides with you discovering that you are the old person at the bar or that your musical tastes are outdated. (Both require you to do major soul searching.) It doesn’t matter if you have beauty, money, power, or some level of fame. You have discovered that you need to find someone to “complete” your life. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so you go on a reality TV show to find the one person you are suppose to be with.
And really, what better to find someone that you are going to spend the rest of your life with than to go onto a show for thirty days and narrow down a pool of twenty-five people of people to one? If group dates, multiple make out sessions, TV cameras, catfights, and a raging competition doesn’t lead to love what will?
I freely admit that I love watching these shows. Rock of Love, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and any of random knock offs that are out there no matter how poorly made they are. (Except for the Tila Tequila one, which is even more fake than her tits and makes me want to see if I could actually swallow my own tongue.)
It isn’t because I secretly hope the star of the show finds love. (I actually hope they all end up miserable and alone.) It is so I can breakdown each contestant and make fun of them, which in turn makes me feel at least 25% better about myself.
The one question I always ask is, “Why is the contestant there?” There are three types of people that go on these shows in the dating pool:
1) The person with larger ambitions- They want to be “out there” and hopefully get a spinoff. Ever since Eric Neis ended up on the Grind reality TV show contestants have been figuring out ways to grasp onto the spotlight. (See Rob and Amber) The only thing they care about is camera time and sticking around long enough to be memorable.
2) The “WTF” I’ll do it person- These are the people that are there on a lark. Someone probably convinced them to send in a tape and they are just having fun with it. They have zero expectations and NEVER cry when they are eliminated because they have no expectations going in.
3) The serious contestant- By far this is my favorite archetype. Not only do these weep about the pressure of the non-existent “game” but also breakdown whenever they are eliminated. These are the people that talk about the strategy of the “game” and how everything impacts it.
The whole strategy thing cracks me up. All I can think about is that the serious contestant talks to every other contestant about the time they spent with shows star trying to figure out the star’s likes and dislikes. Then running through the list in their head over and over like Phil Connors trying to impress Rita in “Groundhog Day”. Hoping that on their next they can morph into the perfect match for the person. Shouldn’t their strategy just be something simple like be yourself and don’t act like an idiot?
Another great tidbit about the serious contestant is that they whole-heartedly believe this is their one chance to really find love. At some level doesn’t this make them a social misfit? It is kind of a red flag that they have lived 25-30 years of their life and now think that THIS is their path to happiness. These are the people that usually end up stealing someone’s panties, tossing them into their pocket, and sniffing them when they begin to feel stressed.
In the end I don’t see how 30 days and 25 potential dates can really lead to happiness. I guess you have to be a social misfit to put any stock into this crap.
Tomorrow: Highlights of my application for the Bachelor.
This is going up on humor-blogs.com
Well, at least their 30 days and short seasons of love lead to MY happiness. There is always the 4th contestant type: The Drunk who goes on for the copious amount of free booze.
You are right. A lot of the time they don’t make it past the first episode though. Although honestly if I was on one of these shows I would want all drunk girls, I would basically have a giant orgy for thirty days and in the end say I didn’t respect any of these women and couldn’t marry them.
Reality. TV. LEGEND.
It would a great job to be the guy that walks the Lush out to their Good Bye Limos and exit interview. He must get mad play.
Or just linger around the set with big earphones on and a clipboard!! How hard would you have to work to nail a drunk girl in a trashy dress who just got ousted on a Reality Show. Easy Pickins.
If you throw in that you are a producer to one of these girls (even if it is a lie) their legs will part like the red sea did for Moses.
Damn Meghan. You are on the ball all the time! Sparty on.
You could easily apply those descriptions to us commenters: the ones that want their own spin-off blog; the one who take their comments seriously (not so likely here, I’ll admit) and the ones who, you know, what the hell, I may as well drop a comment, I guess. (Like me right now.)
You might be onto something. Now we just need the drunk desperate girls.
…Although I must admit that starting my own spinoff blog about a retired baseballer who starts up his own bar is mighty tempting.
Do you have an old guy as your co-bartender or a young hick?
When I saw the title, I didn’t see the “Go on a reality show” part. I really should put my glasses on. I was about to accept your proposal without you making one…lol.
I hate reality shows. I think I’ve only watched one of those “Reality dating ” shows in its entirety and that was Joe Millionaire…I thought that one was retarded but I wanted to see the chicks reaction when she found out he wasnt a millionaire.But it turned out to be dumb too. That’s why the only TV I watch is wrestling. At least they admit that its fixed.
Bravo on the use of the word ‘lark.’ It’s a great word and used all to infrequently for my taste. I have to say that the VH1 reality shows tend to suck me in, just like watching a car crash or Britney Spears’ downfall, I can’t look away as these dumbass contestants try their hardest to fall for Flavor Flav or New York or baldy (you know who I mean). And though the shows take months to air, they are filmed in like two weeks. Each day is a show. What self respecting guy will say he’s in love with a chick after two weeks, most of which she spent making out with other guys (if not more – right New York?)? If you had a reality show, I’d watch, just to see if you can fit in your words of the day without the network bleeping them out!
forget reality tv…I couldnt marry anyone via internet or tv…its just too needy…
shit I cant get married at all.
been with the same person 3 years and still not thinking of the dreaded word “married”
keep to that ideal. marriage is evil. i know first hand.
The part I can’t understand on any of the shows is how some of the contestants can actually bring themselves to get physical with people like Flavor Flav or Brett Michaels. I couldn’t, not for money, or fifteen minutes of shame induced notoriety. After watching them slob down ten girls before you that you describe as whores or ugly trannies, then he gets to you and puts his tongue down your throat and suddenly it’s love? Ew. And, they’ve had a career full of those same encounters, it’s just not been televised until now. Bleh. All I would keep thinking is that they would give me the herp. ew.
Back in my day we found our wives the old-fashioned way: mail order catalogs.
This is going to put eHarmony out of business in no time flat.
Personally, I’m staying old school with personal ads in the local newspaper.
I KNEW there was something I was doing wrong to be in the quarter of my life without a spouse! I gotta get more desperate.
I’m so grateful those archetypes exist because Rock of Love is incredible.
Tila Tequila sucks.. you are right.. FAKE.