Straight Males Take on the Fashion at Cannes
Whenever there is a major event with stars I like to take the time to give you a straight guys take on the red carpet fashion trends. It brings out the inner fashionista in me. These were images taken from the Cannes Film Festival.
Gillian Anderson- For some reason I see this picture and think, “High class escort that has a trashy side.”
I think it is the ankle tattoo and the come hither look she is giving me.
The best looking couple in the world- I would just like to take the time to point out that her milk filled breasts might be the largest things that man has ever laid eyes on. Also I would like to declare that we can officially call Brad Pitt “pretty”. It is the only guy that you can use that term on.
Linda Evangelista- I would try to comment but the reflection from the dress is making me go blind. When washed up former super models need attention there is nothing better than wearing a crappy dress to make it happen.
Ford and Flockhart- Look Harrison is carrying around a stick with him like Mr. Garrison on South Park did.
(Note: Since Flockhart hasn’t acted in anything like in ten years I felt a need to make a “she is too thin” joke, I got it out of my system and can hold out for another ten years. Or whenever Harrison Ford kicks the bucket because of a horrible Viagra incident.)
Goldie Hawn- After all the poor plastic surgery Hawn has taken to just covering her face with hair and sunglasses. She is a step away from just going out in public with a paper bag over her face.
Selma Hayek- Holy shit she is short. Yup… that is all I got.
Star Jones- I don’t really need to point out how awful of a dress this is. I just really wanted to show you all the photographers on the right hand side of the picture. It is like they are staring death in the eye, they have this look disgust that only Star Jones can bring out in people.
Eva Longoria- I couldn’t figure out exactly why I didn’t like Eva Longoria but I think this dress sums it all up because it is an extension of her personality. The main part of the dress is fine… classic, stylish, and she wears it well. But the dress wasn’t good enough, she had to have this massive train on it that is ridiculously huge which is just begging for attention and the need to be the center piece of discussion. Now I know why I have a distaste for her.
Madonna- Shocking, you can see her nipples through the shirt. At this point has anyone NOT seen Madonna’s nipples? Shouldn’t she be spending less time on the red carpet and more time fixing the horrible unibrow her daughter has?
I think we can turn Madonna in for neglect.
Jean Claude Van Damm- I have a feeling this went on before the event.
JCVD- I hear they are remaking Miami Vice into a movie, the muscles from Brussels would be perfect for the role of Sonny Crockett.
Agent- They already released that movie like two years ago.
JCVD- I didn’t see it so it doesn’t exist, wait until the producers get a load of me.
Agent- This is why you haven’t worked in five years.
What are you takes on some of the fashion choices? And does anyone like Eva Longoria?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com.
(All images ganked from yahoo movies.)
On 05/29/08 at 6:57 am
Alex Mcone said:
I used to like Gillian Anderson, but she looks like a witch now. And Calista Flockhart is officially ugly in my books with that pic.
Salma is shockingly short … but boy does she push my button.
On 05/29/08 at 7:56 am
Kevin said:
I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog…. eh never mind
On 05/29/08 at 7:28 am
Marjorie said:
Honestly, you know star jones wore that hideous hippy inspired dress just so people would talk about her. Since no one cares anymore, and Eva honestly scares me.
On 05/29/08 at 7:56 am
Kevin said:
Star is just a train wreck begging for relevance
On 05/29/08 at 1:23 pm
Marjorie said:
That’s true, maybe next time she is on the red carpet, she could make a dress out of her body fat. That would gather a lot of interest, and start the train wreck. Because we all know when asked about it, she would bring up Barbra , and then start crying.
On 05/29/08 at 7:36 am
Christine said:
I can’t get past the unibrow image to comment further.
On 05/29/08 at 7:57 am
Kevin said:
and the caterpillar that died on her upper lip
On 05/29/08 at 5:16 pm
Jeremy said:
That is the hairiest child I have ever seen. And that includes the ape babies in Gorillas in the Mist.
On 05/29/08 at 7:45 am
David said:
I think Eva is adorable and if you have ever seen her with her parents, she is kind and generous.
I have never found Angelina pretty - good actress yes, beautiful no. Those overstuffed lips.
>>>Since Flockhart hasn’t acted in anything like in ten years
Well it is true that she hasn’t been on the big screen but she plays a compelling character on Brothers and Sisters so technically she has been acting. Sorry to nitpick the semantics.
I totally agree that Brad Pitt qualifies for pretty or handsome as well as a hotie. He cleans up real nice.
On 05/29/08 at 7:58 am
Kevin said:
I should have said acted in anything relevant… But you are right she does have that one show. Of course I believe that if I haven’t watched it well then the show doesn’t exist. Kind of like Law and Order and Gay Porn.
On 05/29/08 at 11:55 am
tiffany p. said:
well, she did adopt a newborn infant in ‘01.
i think it’s good that at least SOMEONE in hollywood puts parenthood before career.
she’s been engaged to HF for 6 years now, and with rumors they’re marrying soon, looks like she’ll be pretty set even if he *does* kick the bucket.
On 05/29/08 at 1:46 pm
clientsideshow bob said:
You don’t watch gay porn? Didn’t you star in one once? LOL - just kidding.
I think Star’s dress was supposed to be like those old puzzles at the back of the Sunday Comics, where you have to squint real hard to see the image behind the lines. The problem is, no one wants to look that hard. The photogs weren’t even taking her pic!
And whatever the British equivalent of Child’s Services is, they need to be called ASAP - Madonna’s daughter is obviously being abused.
On 05/29/08 at 2:10 pm
Kevin said:
I was young and needed the money.
On 05/29/08 at 5:44 pm
David said:
I think the relevant phrase, as popularized by Mr Bush, is “youthful indescretion”. We all know you weren’t a young starving artist - you were experimenting - admit it. It’s ok Kevin, you don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed. All guys experiment…well, they call it “I was drunk with a friend and just needed to get off” but we all know what that means.
On 05/29/08 at 7:55 am
Matty said:
Good Lord, Madonnas kid is fugly. I guess stardom can’t pay for fixing bad genes, eh?
On 05/29/08 at 7:59 am
Kevin said:
Hopefully mom’s money can pay for an awful lot of plastic surgery when she turns 18.
On 05/29/08 at 12:09 pm
tiffany p. said:
i have to take exception to this…
I believe the reason her mother doesn’t let her pluck her eyebrows or wax her lip is because she’s ELEVEN. I think there’s a lot of perssure on Madonna to NOT turn her daughter into a little sexpot. Here’s the SAME pic listed above, that i photoshopped (quickly) doing NOTHING but removing the unibrow and evening out above her lip.
http://img110.imageshack.us/img110/2964/lourdesunibrow219×300hw8.jpg
She’s the SPITTING image of her mother. I don’t think madonna needs photographers and the world seeing her 11 year old as jailbait just yet. she’s not dina lohan for crying out loud.
On 05/29/08 at 1:22 pm
Kevin said:
Good point we wouldn’t want her to go down the same road as her mother.
On 05/31/08 at 7:38 am
tiffany p. said:
ali lohan is only 14 and already looks like a cougar.
ali @ 13
so if madonna wants to keep her kid a KID for a bit, i don’t blame her at all. after all if you can learn self confidence looking like that AND having madonna for a mother. you’ll be better off than dina’s poor kids.
On 05/29/08 at 8:03 am
Vivienne said:
Every time I see Brangelina photographed together, I think Brad has a facial expression that says, “Yes, I’m still pinching myself” with a little nervous laugh bubbling just below the surface.
I’ve never been taken with him and have enjoyed the recent publicity his ‘air quotes’ interview from the archives has gotten. But he’s a great philanthropist, so I’ll give him a pass on the air quotes.
On 05/29/08 at 8:50 am
Kevin said:
There is no reason to dislike Brad Pitt. I hate to say that but really he hasn’t done anything to deeply offend me.
On 05/29/08 at 4:30 pm
Vivienne said:
That’s because you’re not a chick. If you were, you’d be offended - maybe not deeply, but enough to bitch slap him.
On 05/29/08 at 9:16 am
LOTNorm said:
Anderson looks like she was laying in bed, had an “itch”, and the sheet got stuck.
Flockhart… it’s not the years, it’s the mileage… So I just wanted to use that quote…
You mean Hawn’s face isn’t a paper bag?
Hayek’s huge… in her chesticles.
I refuse to say the next one’s name.
Longoria is like a dress. She doesn’t look the best in the window… but when she’s laying across the bed waiting for you, you’re gonna go ahead and try her on.
Yes, in order to make that euphemism I just implied I would impulsively try on a dress…
MAGOO! Madonna’s son wears lipstick… oh wait…
Van Damme’s just happy to be out of the house.
On 05/29/08 at 9:18 am
Kevin said:
It looks like her daughter was rescued from the Taliban.
On 05/29/08 at 9:20 am
LOTNorm said:
More like donated.
On 05/29/08 at 9:23 am
Kevin said:
it is moments like these that I wish the burka was in style a little bit more
On 05/29/08 at 9:29 am
Meghan said:
I’m not with anyone on the Brad Pitt thing. He is NOT attractive to me at all!!!
On 05/29/08 at 9:34 am
Kevin said:
Well they all can’t be Abe Vigoda
On 05/29/08 at 9:47 am
Meghan said:
He’s like Luke Perry in 90210. All wrinkled around the eyes and ‘deep’. Ugh. And I thought ALL men liked Eva?
On 05/29/08 at 9:52 am
Kevin said:
No she has twat written all over her.
On 05/29/08 at 9:53 am
Meghan said:
That, MyFriend just earned you a digg!!!!
On 05/29/08 at 10:03 am
Kevin said:
In sharpie markers
On 05/29/08 at 9:48 am
Meghan said:
And I LOVED ‘Fish’….
On 05/29/08 at 4:32 pm
Vivienne said:
I’m with you on that.
On 05/29/08 at 9:42 am
Jinksy said:
If there is anything more wonderful in the universe than Angelina’s milk filled bosom, I dare you to point it out.
I think Brad gets tons of hate-mail just for landing Angelina, nothing more.
On 05/29/08 at 9:44 am
Kevin said:
Those things are loaded… I can only imagine how much Netsle’s quick I could make with that.
On 05/29/08 at 9:52 am
Isha said:
Gillian Anderson is trash, period.
Brad and Angelina are the model of the perfect couple. I’m just waiting for something to go wrong with them. How can someone look so perfect being pregnant with twins. Seriously. Brad Pitt is just
prettiful.
I have no words for Linda Evangelista…
Harrison needs to drop the celery stick.
I’m waiting for Goldie’s face to fall off.
Salma’s tits are friggin huge, I think they take up most of her height.
Star needs to stop. Just because shes not fat anymore doesnt mean she has to wear every color in the rainbow at the same time.
Eva’s dress is …yesh…
Madonna is…well Madonna. Come on…she can do something about that child’s eyebrows.
And leave Van Damm alone….
On 05/29/08 at 9:53 am
Kevin said:
Yeah you think she could toss her over to a stylist.
On 05/29/08 at 10:40 am
golfwidow said:
I just really love how, when you look at the background of the Star Jones picture, all of the photographers are ignoring her. It’s like only one photographer cared enough about her to take a picture, and it’s the one you posted.
On 05/29/08 at 10:42 am
Kevin said:
I figured the man’s work needs to get out there… I am sure nobody is really paying him for it.
On 05/29/08 at 1:51 pm
Justin Kistner said:
Forget the unibrow, Madonna’s daughter needs to shave her stache
Truthfully, I have a faint unibrow, and I don’t pluck it. Perhaps I shouldn’t cast the first stone…
On 05/29/08 at 2:07 pm
Kevin said:
No but you aren’t be trotting out on the red carpet for massive public consumption either.
I have a hairy taint but I don’t mind flinging rocks.
On 05/29/08 at 5:51 pm
David said:
A hairy taint??? And I’ve been assuming you were a Brazilian-waxing guy.
Well, call me butter and kiss my buns!
On 05/29/08 at 3:09 pm
Bee said:
Jesus H! It looks like Jolie is gonna tip over backwards!
On 05/29/08 at 3:11 pm
Kevin said:
Give her a shove and she probably would.
On 05/29/08 at 4:44 pm
Atenea said:
I always thought Maddona’s kid looks like a browner version of Maddona. Just look at the her pics from the 80’s and 90’s. A Mocha carbon copy. Its what she looks like without all the makeup and plastic surgery. I agree, money can’t fix bad genes.
On 05/29/08 at 8:42 pm
Kassie said:
I hate Eva Longoria. A lot.
And Madonna’s daughter…yikes.
On 05/29/08 at 9:42 pm
Karl Rove said:
My Harrison Ford/Calista Flockhart joke based on that picture would have been: “It too bad Harrison Ford is so old that he needed to use a cane…wait a second.”
And I don’t really have a problem with Eva Longoria, although I’ve never watched anything she’s done.
On 05/29/08 at 10:04 pm
Kevin said:
Damn… that is 1000000 times better than what I had. Good call…
On 05/31/08 at 3:12 pm
Tammy said:
Yuck. I stopped watching “The View” many years ago because of Star.