Drunken Mistakes: Sometimes having to pee trumps thought
We have all been there, sloshed and looking for a place to urinate.
After a night of dj’ing at the local watering hole I started my walk home. By walk I mean stumbling in a zig-zag formation and trying not to bump into anything or twist an ankle. On my way home I determined that I really needed to pee and being a man of class I didn’t want to whip it out and go on someone’s front lawn. I convinced myself that I only had two blocks to walk before I was home where I could pee and then grab something to eat.
Finally I hit the front door and pushed it open with great force, the doorknob smacked into the wall announcing that Kevin had come home. Thinking that I should try to be funny and awaken my roommates I slurred really loudly, “I hope nobody is in the bathroom because I don’t want to piss in the sink.” I stumbled up the stairs and entered the bathroom, turning on the light and lifting the seat.
As I began to relieve myself I looked around the bathroom and noticed that it had a lot of female products in it. Also there was a level of cleanliness that the bathrooms in apartments that I had previously lived in didn’t have. Slowly my drunken and damaged brain cells began to process everything. I wasn’t in the apartment that I currently lived in; I was in the one I lived in last year.
Now at this point fear began to set in, I wondered if the current residents were calling the police at this very second? In a drunken haze I began to formulate an excuse on why I was there. Then it dawned on me that I probably should hurry up with the whole urinating thing and leave. So I finished peeing, flushed the toilet, and then took the time to wash my hands. Forget the fact that I could be arrested for trespassing or conceivably breaking and entering, I needed to wash my hands.
I opened the door to the bathroom and quickly made a beeline down the stairs. In my drunken state I did catch out of the corner of my eye a door partially opened with a face peering out through it. As I made it out the door I figured the best path home would to run through the back of people’s yards instead of walking inconspicuously down the street like a normal person. Of course the trip home took a tad longer because some town residents had fences, which made me have to walk back down their driveway and find another yard that didn’t have a fence. This process easily added ten to fifteen minutes to a five-minute walk home.
Thankfully I made it home safely and didn’t have to spend a night in the pokey.
To the girls that lived in that apartment that thought they were going to be raped and murdered. Um… well… my bad… I just really had to pee.
Lesson learned: It is safer to piss on a porch than in a toilet sometimes.
Where is the most awkward place you have urinated?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
Eek, Did you at least put the seat up?
Of course I did… I am not a savage.
At a bar in Boston one night I was in a looong line for the ladies and I really had to go. No one was in the men’s room next door so I told the girl in front of me I would spot her if she ran in and she could spot me. She agreed. When it was my turn I lock the stall door and am about to go when I hear a scuffle and about 5 dudes come busting throwing each other around the room in a huge fight. I though my kidneys were going to burst, but they were barreling into my stall door and then I couldn’t make myself go. I was in there for 10 minutes until security broke it up. But they stayed in the bathroom not letting anyone else in while they took names and got the story straight. Finally I couldn’t take it, started to pee, they heard me, asked ‘Who the Fuck is in here?!’ and I finished like a lady and walked out stepping over the guy on the floor saying ‘Excuse Me’.
That is just pure class on you part… Did you say excuse me in a dainty voice?
Dainty, with my head down avoiding eye contact.
Nothing better than not making eye contact and running for your life.
i have done this SOOO many times.
it’s inconceivable why women should have to sit there and hold it like a 5-year old doing the pee pee dance while there is a completely unused bathroom sitting right there. i could give a shit.
and men want to know why it “takes us so long”
well, we always have to undress to do ANY of our business.
guys don’t.
add that to the fact that we only have 2 stalls in an average bar bathroom, and the men have the SAME 2 stalls PLUS 1 or 2 urinals and there you go.
Hahahahahaha! You’re so lucky they didn’t come after you with a baseball bat or something worse. The worse place I had to go tinkle while drunk was at a bar. The ladies restroom had a line 15 people long and I really had to go. So I peeked into the men’s restroom to make sure no one was in there. Had one of my girls guard the door and I went in and relieved myself. Walking out the stall to go wash my hands, I looked up and saw a man at the sink laughing his ass off. I hurried up and washed my hands and quickly ran out the restroom.
You should have looked at the guy and said, “I could have held it for you.”
Be nice about the whole situation.
I did this. At a gay bar. The woman’s room had a line 20 people long. The bouncer came in after me and the other guys told him to leave the “queen” alone. Unfortunately he was ver persistent and I didn’t get to wash my hands afterwards. Then you put the drunk boyfriend in the mix and we get kicked out of the club. All that for the use of a toilet….terribly tragic.
I’ve always urinated in a bathroom. Even when I was drop dead drunk. I just cant pee anywhere else.
If you want to hear some really weird bathroom stories I’d be happy to give them to ya!
I am always up for a good bathroom story
Sure, you don’t have girly things in your bathroom. Don’t bidets count? Ok, maybe they’re not particularly feminine, but those butterfly curtains and floral soap don’t scream “manly” either.
I peed on a porch before. I wasn’t drunk.
I look forward to the day when I can install a bidet in my house just for the hell of it.
Behind bushes at the pool in the middle of the night – many times. We were all swimmingly trashed. And then behind an 18 wheeler once in a parking lot. There was no bathroom and I hate holding it. I guess I think I’m a guy. I’ll pee almost anywhere.
You just whip it out whenever you feel like it?
When I first saw the title I was thinking wtf are pee trumps? When you trump and pee yourself or something?
Since then I have had several cups of tea and woken up a bit.
At a camp site, after a beer or seven I fell into a bush full of stinging nettles, it was painful.
did they get stuck in your tingly bits?
They stung the tingly bits and it was too dark to find a dock leaf, which you would normally rub on the afflicted area.
You should have taken a shit while reading their Cosmo magazines. Think of the blog fodder you could have had then?
Read while that hammered? impossible… I would have fallen asleep on the john and then I would have been really screwed.
you never know.
the girls could possibly have “intruder fantasies”
you really *could* have been screwed.
I was once quoted as saying, “dammit, I can’t think right now–I have to pee!” I think the need to pee can even over-ride the need for air. Have you ever had to REALLY use the bathroom, and it smells like somebody elses shite? Dude, I have, and if I need to go, I hold my breath and go piss (or shite).
Weirdest place I’ve ever peed was on a loading dock in Orlando, FL. I was visiting; walking back to my hotel from a bar down the street.
That is the worst when you have the smell of previous people’s work
How did you get in? Was their door unlocked?
Yeah it is Geneseo.. nobody locks their doors.
peeing i do anywhere, but the best place i toke a dump was the ocean, you feel so free:)
This provides incredible insight into the life and times of Kevin.
I think you missed a great opportunity – Haven’t you read those posts on Craigslist for people who want anonymous sex so they leave the door unlocked, get on all fours on the bed blindfolded and wait for their assignation person to arrive.
I mean why else would a woman alone (presumably) leave her door unlocked anywhere?
I’m mightily impressed that your passion for hand-washing overcame drunkenness and fear of arrest. Such a polite boy.
O.M.G. That is one of the best drunken-adventure story I have heard in a while!
WHY THE HELL DIDN’T they have their door locked! Sounds like that wanted to be raped and murdered… or at least have a stranger pee in their bathroom.
You should go knock on the door today and introduce yourself.
At the side of the road, into a large Taco Bell cup; while waiting for the tow truck to get my rig out of the ditch. My “roommate” put it there and then I had to take care of it. I’m proud of my aim. =)
First off – hilarious! Secondly – this is sucking up great blog material, but I the worst thing pee-wise I have done would be into a ziploc bag.
All my pooty disasters have been sober, like the time I opened my big mouth at a camp ground that I was an ex-girl scout to a group of ex-eagle scouts. I was banned from the using the toilet in the RV. Luckily it was a well wooded camp but it was the end of Texas spring (yeah Spring begins and ends in March here). Since everyone else was drunk, there was no way for me to sneak into the RV and I peed in the woods all night. I ended up with a butt covered in skeeter bites! Oh, drunk people and their amazing strength!
that’s supposed to be potty not pooty
And one more thing on peeing, you can’t be my friend if haven’t pissed on the side of my parent’s house. Everyone has!
yeah really how did you get in…?
maybe still had a spare key just hanging out your keychain? haha
Me & my family were at a restaurant when I was younger, and me & my dad headed towards the bathrooms after the meal. What my dad didn’t realise was that it was a unisex toilet… I don’t know why he didn’t think it weird that I was in the same room as him..
But I was just heading into one of the stalls, and I caught dad unzipping in the middle of the room. Asked him what he was doing, and he was just about to piss into one of the sinks, thinking it was some weird-shaped urinal. Pointed out unisex door sign. Pointed him into one of the stalls. Sat laughing for about 5 minutes, imagining some woman walking in and seeing Dad taking a slash into the place where she was going to wash her hands before eating dinner…
great story man – hilarious
I was hammered one night in about 1999 which made me 14 years old (yeah true story)
well my home was in this ghetto we like to call Boston…(again true story)
And i know alot of people piss in apartment hallways (happend in mine often…sick bastard homeless people)
anyways, I almost considered doing such an act…but being female I decided to pop a squat in a church parking lot somewhere on Mass Ave in Dorchester, Maybe it was Washington Street…Who the fuck remembers..when im that drunk…
I took a shit in a church yard once.
It remains one of my proudest moments.