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5 more ways Shia LaBeouf can figure in the desecration of my childhood

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/27/08 @ 6:58 am

In each of the last two summers Shia LaBeouf starred in a movie that totally destroyed something I loved from my childhood. Last year I didn’t blame him directly for Transformers, I clearly laid the blame on the biggest racist working in Hollywood today, Michael Bay. So LaBeouf escaped my wrath. After watching Indiana Jones this weekend I have now come to the conclusion that Shia LaBeouf is out to rape any joyful memory that I have from my childhood.

Here are five ways that he can continue on his path of destroying everything I loved as a kid.

5) He has a threesome with Kathy Ireland and Elle MacPherson

elle macphersonkathy ireland

Let me just say I use to get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue as a kid and these two women were featured prominently in it for years. They were so ingrained in my head that my spank bank didn’t need filling for years to come. In fact I was so convinced that Elle MacPherson was giving me naughty girl looks that it gave me my will to live.

LaBeouf will probably end up slathering them both with Coppertone and then make wild passionate love to them all while filming it and saying, “This is for you Kevin.”

4) Ruin every toy I play with as a kid


LaBeouf acquires a list of every toy that I had as a kid. Not only does he pop the heads off of my favorite action figures that I played with while growing up but he also uses a magnifying glass to melt each and every one.

For good measure he will probably take the time to individually key each of my favorite matchbox and hot wheels cars. Possibly even writing on the hoods that “Shia was here.”

3) Star in the movie version of Growing Pains

growing pains

Labeouf stars in the role of Mike Seaver but destroys the movie because of his born again Christian beliefs. He turns Seaver into a goodie goodie and refuses to work with any hot woman because they posed in Playboy.

Wait a second… Kirk Cameron already did that. Let’s move on.

2) Destroys my childhood hero

michael jordan

In a congressional hearing Shia reveals that Michael Jordan did steroids, threw basketball games, raped my kindergarten teacher, did crack before games to give him an edge, and made a habit of tittie fucking Charles Barkley every All-Star weekend.

Say it ain’t so Mike… Say it ain’t so.

1) Remakes Teen Wolf


There is one movie character that can never be recreated, coach Bobby Finstock in Teen Wolf. Labeouf will decide to buy the rights to the movie and star as the Michael J. Fox character. Thinking that the coach needs a little more urban flair he hires Whoopi Goldberg to play the part of Coach Finstock officially ruining my favorite person in any movie ever.

Then to top it off he hires Spencer from “The Hills” to play Styles, killing off any potential of Styles being funny at all. Plus Styles will continually have the same look on his face the entire movie just like Spencer does week to week.

I look forward to Shia Labeouf having a long career of ruining everything I love.

What childhood memory can Shia destroy for you?

This is going at humor-blogs.com

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

61 Responses to “5 more ways Shia LaBeouf can figure in the desecration of my childhood”

  1. Meghan says:

    You already broke me with the Cedric version of ‘Back to School’! If Shia shows up as a modern day Danny Noonan in a 2010 Caddy Shack remake I just might shoot someone.

  2. LOTNorm says:

    George Lucas is the childhood raping bastard here, not LaBeouf.

    Although, to go along with the blog, he could facehump the Pink Ranger.

  3. Meghan says:

    And can you imagine a modern day Breakfast Club? Ugh. If it’s not originally filmed in black and white it shouldn’t be touched for another 30 years.

  4. Lesley says:

    If Shia remakes “Stripes” than I personally will unleash a plague on his house. Could you just imagine how awful it would be, the thought of the recasting of Sgt. Hulka alone makes me sick. A modern day Animal House with Shia playing the character of Otter would also make me throw up in my mouth….the list could go on.

  5. Lord Likely says:

    Good heavens! I disappear for a while, and you get yourself all tarted up like some kind of cheap, tuppenny trollop.

    The new look is rather excellent, sir!

    • Kevin says:

      Thank you good sir.

      Just remember you can put all the lipstick you want on a twenty dollar whore but at the end of the day she is still a twenty dollar whore.

      (I have no idea what that means.)

  6. Stephanie says:

    If he comes near Rainbow Brite or My Little Pony, there will be blood. BLOOD, I SAY!!!!

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  8. em em says:

    Aw, I haven’t seen the Indiana Jones movie yet and I was hoping it was going to be at least decent. =( I’ll probably still see it though, although I never did bother to watch Transformers because of the reviews it got, I didn’t even want to after what I read.

  9. I think there’s already plans to remake ‘The Warriors’ so he should be perfect for the starring role.

  10. Vince says:

    George Lucas should be banned from making movies for the rest of his life and Speilberg should be banned from collaberating with him ever again. This is the second trilogy I will now never watch because its been ruined by a shitty 4th movie. Way to go George Lucas.

  11. JiMoe says:

    So if they remade Teen Wolf, would they also have the man flashing his dick at the end too? haha

  12. Tony says:

    Probably end up making a “Fraggle Rock” or “Eureka’s Castle” movie and destroy all childhood that ever existed.

  13. tiffany p. says:

    If Shia remade “Back to the Future” i would probably kill myself right then and there.

  14. chris says:

    that motherfucker not only ruined indiana jones, he made marlon brando turn over his ham sandwich.

  15. Marcie says:

    you know…him just being an actor ruins everything for me..

    I hate that guy…he’s a shitty actor, shoulda stuck with the Disney channel

  16. Chris C says:

    Someday Shia will go Manchurian on us taking off his mask and revealing he secretly was Michael Rapaport working for Bollywood in an attempt to undermine all American filmmaking. Or at least FOX television programming.

  17. Arjewtino says:

    My girlfriend has a crush on Shia. Strike 1.

    If he starred in a remake/movie version of Perfect Strangers AND dated Alyssa Milano, that would be strikes 2 and 3.

  18. E says:

    Hollywood is systematically ruining anything that was cool about my childhood. I adore Jason Lee, but Alvin and the Chipmunks? Come on, man!

    If Shia LaBeouf ever plays Cusack in Say Anything, it’s on.

  19. moooooog35 says:

    George Lucas re-re-releases the original Star Wars trilogy, with Shia playing the a dual role of Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca.

  20. OffbeatNews says:

    Oh no, and I like the boy named Shia!!

  21. Kelcey says:

    You cannot blame Shia LaBeouf for the Indiana Jones movie, he was just fine, thanks.
    It’s the whole sci-fi thing that messed it up.

  22. Alejandro says:

    How about moonlighting?
    or sesame street!:P

    i still dont understand why you dont like shia, i liked transformers, havent seen indy yet.

  23. JD says:

    you realize he’ll be reprising the role of Walter Matthau in grumpy old men when he’s sixty so look forward to many, many more decades of Shia.

  24. Christopher says:

    Hmm.. I guess I’m in the minority here, but kind of love the guy. It helps that we call him “the hot boy” around our house. But I think he’s pretty much going to be in everything from now on, he’s got star power and the critics seem to like him. So in the end, I win.

  25. nosey_in_nyc says:

    Thank you! Shia sucks! How could he ruin my prized childhood memory? By starring in a remake of Labyrinth, playing the Gotham King, which NO ONE, I mean NO ONE can do properly because David Bowie rocked the role–and the hairstyle!

  26. Stephanie says:

    Stupid Shia….we should start an internet protest. He ruined my childhood with reruns of Even Stevens.

  27. Jane Boursaw says:

    Much love for Shia here. Much, much love.

    Did anyone mention Road Warrior?


  28. Vivienne says:

    Ah, where to start. Well, he could easily piss on some of my fondest childhood memories by starring in a remake of “Dallas”, as J.R. (he’s better suited to playing Bobby, the wanker, but you know he’d be offered J.R.), appearing on Saturday morning cartoons as Captain Shiaroo, being packaged with Barbie as the new Ken, becoming a ride at Disneyland and, most disturbing, bringing back Dolfin shorts. That last one made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

    Kevin you seem to have the same warm feelings toward Shia as I harbor against Publicity Whore Ryan Seacrest.

    • kevin says:

      I use to hate Seacrest but then I realized he is like the hardest working man in show business… which is sad

  29. Christine says:

    Awww. I love Shia! Bad Kevin but funny.

  30. Alejandro says:

    how about if he starts as the new he-man or leono of the thundercats!

  31. Destiny says:

    Shia could make a movie version of Gem…and cast Britney Spears as the title character…that would piss me off…

  32. thenibblers says:

    What about starring in the lead role in a remake of:

    Red Dawn

    Wolverines….Mount up!!!

    I wore camo pants and awaited the Russian invasion for over a month…lol

  33. Alfred says:

    awshit… best laugh i’ve had in WEEKS!
    which climaxed as MJeff tittie fucked Chuck…
    oh god…

    how about a duet with Michael Jackson or Elvis (Natalie Cole style…)?

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