"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
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Robot Sperm Makes People Afraid of Technology

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/6/08 @ 6:53 am

I think I have officially reached the point of information overload. The other morning I woke up and was sitting in bed thinking about a topic or two to write about. For some reason the topic of “Robot Semen Makes People Afraid of Technology” popped into my head. I was positive that at some point during the week that I read an article that had that in the title. I googled it, I went back through my RSS feed reader and searched through it, and I even sent out a few e-mails to people that I know that read a lot of stories on the web… nothing.

So I must have had a dream about a story that I thought that I had read which was about robot love juice and it’s impact on society. Since I didn’t read it I might as well make one up….

Robot Sperm Makes People Afraid of Technology

SEATTLE, Washington- Local residents have begun to turn off their electronics after a recent wave of robot related sex offenses.

johnny5 Last Tuesday residents saw local celebrity, Johnny Five, violate a Macintosh computer and cover it with what looked to be seminal fluid. Janet Johnson was an eyewitness, “He just kept plugging away at it screaming, ‘Number 5 is alive.’ Then he stepped back and blasted the screen with some fluid. It was disgusting, I know I can no longer look at a computer the same way again.”

This wasn’t the first time Five has violated a piece of electronic equipment. “I just bought Grand Theft Auto IV and I came home from the mall only to see that pederast taking advantage of my playstation 3. It is unusable now… Just think it was only a month old. What a sick pervert he is,” states Mark Whalford, age 15 of Seattle.

The people of the city have shut down their electronics partly not to attract an unwelcome visit from Johnny Five but also out of disgust for what they have been seeing. Unfortunately for residents there really isn’t anything authorities can do about these incidents because there are no laws on record to deal with this situation.

Police spokesman Adam Arrington thinks he has the solution, “Legally there is nothing we can do unless he breaks into your home. Most of the incidents have occurred after people have willingly invited the alleged assailant into their domiciles. One minute you want to hang out and have fun with Johnny Five, the only living-talking robot. Then the next you know he has your microwave propped up against the counter and is going to town on it. Sadly we don’t have anything on the books regarding robot sex. We can only advise people to shut down their electronics and not invite Johnny Five into your homes. The department has reached out to the one person that maybe able to stop this, Steve Guttenberg.”

steve guttenbergGuttenberg worked with Five on the movie “Short Circuit” and is apparently one of the leading experts on sex with random electronic equipment. “Guttenberg had a really dark period after the ‘Police Academy’ movies ended, he is back working now but for years he would fuck anything that was plugged in. He tackled his addiction and has started a twelve step program for people with this affliction, we believe that he is the only person that can stop this reign of terror,” says Ally Sheedy, Guttenberg’s co-star in the film “Short Circuit” and Seattle resident.

Until Guttenberg is reached and brought in to correct the situation residents will have to live like the Amish. With Guttenberg being their only hope of normalcy.

Who knew that Steve Guttenberg could save the greater Seattle area?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

25 Responses to “Robot Sperm Makes People Afraid of Technology”

  1. Meghan says:

    More crazy search terms to find your page through Google. Pederasts, Steve Guttenberg and robot sperm.

  2. scott says:

    I think this idea “pooped” into your head!

  3. scott says:

    Where’s the word of the day? Bee-Otch, or was that just for last week?

  4. kate says:

    just when i had ‘johnny five is alive’ out of my head…it comes creeping back up. and why does steve looks like he lost a fight with a tanning bed?

  5. cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    Are you kidding me? pederast? How mnay people are now going to have to look that up? That you for helping people with the vocab section of the SATs.

    BTW I’m not so sure that the The Gutt isn’t helping Johnny five hide out.

  6. Daniel says:

    With such dreams, you may need to consider sleeping in your aluminum foil hat. Something strange is happening in your bedroom…ok, well not the unnatural things, I mean supernatural things are happening.

  7. jason says:

    I’m disturbed and disappointed in Jonny 5. Having looked up to him in the past as a wholesome role model, I now regretfully put him in the “un-holy” category, much like I did some of my other childhood heroes: Pee-Wee Herman [I don't think I have to explain this one], Yogi Bear [doing a dime for grand larceny], and Jessica Rabbit [apparently after Roger left her she turned to drugs and eventually prostitution to support her addiction].

    I say it’s a sad day when normal robots are turning into sexual deviants, is there hope for the future?

    Kind of makes me think twice about buying a hybrid

  8. matty says:

    Who is Johnny?

    Great. Now I get El Debarge in my head for the rest of the day. What is it with you, Kevin? Last week it was Rosie Perez and her foods that start with the letter Q and this week it is bad 80’s groups? DAMN IT!

  9. em em says:

    In related news Johnny 5 brings a libel lawsuit against a popular blogger, known to readers as “Kevin’s Freaking…”. When asked for a comment on the pending lawsuit, Kevin’s Freaking says, “…just wait until your PS3 is a victim of Robot bukkake… this guy is capable of plunger raping your blackberry, I’m doing the world a service.” While experts remain unsure of the seriousness of the threat, authorities suggest you continue to take precautions against inviting Johnny 5 into your home.

  10. Erin Happycamper says:

    Freaking Hilarious!!!!!

  11. Mandygirl says:

    Is that what happened to my ipod??

  12. PitChiK says:

    I think you’ve watched too much Robot Chicken, repeatedly watched Short Circuit, followed by taking waaaaaay too much acid! But, it is funny, hehe

  13. James says:

    i’ll never look at johnny 5 the same way again but i always suspected Guttenberg of being a perv

  14. Marcie says:

    i completly buy this story…if i dont take the batteries out of my vibrator…it attacks me in my sleep….

    thank GOD i dont have a robot..

    shit….my 5 year old does…

    gotta throw it out

  15. Patrick D. says:

    Unfortunately, robots screwing random appliances is just going to become accepted as the norm until people begin to accept Steve Guttenberg as their personal lord and savior.

    You’re doing the right thing, Kevin. Keep spreading the word!

  16. Cara says:

    Two things.

    How much plastic surgery has Steve Guttenburg had? Holy crap.

    Thing two? Every time I think of Short Circuit, I get “Who’s Johnny?” by El DeBarge stuck in my head. So, thanks for that. Hilarious.

  17. alicia says:

    funny stuff :)

  18. Jess says:

    there aren’t nearly enough refrences to Johnny 5…. kudos kevin, kudos….

  19. After posting about managing your online reputation, I find I’m a ‘witness’ in one of the most hilarious posts I’ve read in a long time!

    Gonna tag this one for sure.

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