I think I have officially reached the point of information overload. The other morning I woke up and was sitting in bed thinking about a topic or two to write about. For some reason the topic of “Robot Semen Makes People Afraid of Technology” popped into my head. I was positive that at some point during the week that I read an article that had that in the title. I googled it, I went back through my RSS feed reader and searched through it, and I even sent out a few e-mails to people that I know that read a lot of stories on the web… nothing.
So I must have had a dream about a story that I thought that I had read which was about robot love juice and it’s impact on society. Since I didn’t read it I might as well make one up….
Robot Sperm Makes People Afraid of Technology
SEATTLE, Washington- Local residents have begun to turn off their electronics after a recent wave of robot related sex offenses.
Last Tuesday residents saw local celebrity, Johnny Five, violate a Macintosh computer and cover it with what looked to be seminal fluid. Janet Johnson was an eyewitness, “He just kept plugging away at it screaming, â€˜Number 5 is alive.’ Then he stepped back and blasted the screen with some fluid. It was disgusting, I know I can no longer look at a computer the same way again.”
This wasn’t the first time Five has violated a piece of electronic equipment. “I just bought Grand Theft Auto IV and I came home from the mall only to see that pederast taking advantage of my playstation 3. It is unusable now… Just think it was only a month old. What a sick pervert he is,” states Mark Whalford, age 15 of Seattle.
The people of the city have shut down their electronics partly not to attract an unwelcome visit from Johnny Five but also out of disgust for what they have been seeing. Unfortunately for residents there really isn’t anything authorities can do about these incidents because there are no laws on record to deal with this situation.
Police spokesman Adam Arrington thinks he has the solution, “Legally there is nothing we can do unless he breaks into your home. Most of the incidents have occurred after people have willingly invited the alleged assailant into their domiciles. One minute you want to hang out and have fun with Johnny Five, the only living-talking robot. Then the next you know he has your microwave propped up against the counter and is going to town on it. Sadly we don’t have anything on the books regarding robot sex. We can only advise people to shut down their electronics and not invite Johnny Five into your homes. The department has reached out to the one person that maybe able to stop this, Steve Guttenberg.”
Guttenberg worked with Five on the movie “Short Circuit” and is apparently one of the leading experts on sex with random electronic equipment. “Guttenberg had a really dark period after the â€˜Police Academy’ movies ended, he is back working now but for years he would fuck anything that was plugged in. He tackled his addiction and has started a twelve step program for people with this affliction, we believe that he is the only person that can stop this reign of terror,” says Ally Sheedy, Guttenberg’s co-star in the film “Short Circuit” and Seattle resident.
Until Guttenberg is reached and brought in to correct the situation residents will have to live like the Amish. With Guttenberg being their only hope of normalcy.
Who knew that Steve Guttenberg could save the greater Seattle area?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com