The Ultimate Summer Movie Preview (of movies I won’t see)
Every year people do lavish movie previews for the summer, when in all honestly like 5 of the 40 movies that get released will be worth watching. Here is my summer movie preview of movies that I will probably never watch but with my judgmental asshole abilities can tell you everything about just by watching a preview or reading a synopsis.
Vicky Christina Barcelona (August 29th)
Another movie from a director that has lost all relevancy: Woody Allen. At this point the only talent he has is having his performers turn into neurotic Jews from New York City, in other words they mimic him from his films from twenty years ago. That is all I can think about when I watch one of his movies is that people are imitating him, it is kind of like the Walken Family Reunion sketch on SNL except two hours longer and not as funny.
Wait there is a rumored lesbian scene in the movie with Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, and Rebecca Hall… I take back everything I said.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Part 2 (August 8th)
Let me look down to see if my penis is still attached to my body. Yup… No chance of me seeing this… ever.
Speed Racer (May 9th)
The Wachowski Brothers who directed the Matrix are involved. Great… Now all I can think about is how one brother fell for a drag queen, paid a dominatrix hundreds of thousands of dollars, and cross-dresses now. Every scene I will sit there and think about what sick fetish inspired it, that is no way to watch a movie.
The Love Guru (June 20th)
I want to like this movie. In general I like Mike Myers but after seeing the preview it just looks like he is rehashing a bunch of jokes from Austin Powers but with a different accent. For example there was a part in the preview where he talks to Vern Troyer about being a midget that was exactly like the Fred Savage mole bit in Austin Powers.
On the bright side it is keeping Troyer employed and not wheeling around drunk on the Surreal Life.
Mama Mia (it opens the same weekend as The Dark Knight… it might as well go straight to video)
An adaptation of the musical that is based on the songs of ABBA… I saw the preview to this movie last night and a part of me died inside. Elaborate song and dance numbers with Meryl Streep pissing away any dignity she has left. At least this movie answers the question of, “where has Pierce Brosnan gone?” If you predicted the answer was “nowhere” then you are correct.
When Did You Last See Your Father? (June 6th)
Sniffle… that just hits too close to home.
Sex and the City: The Movie (May 30th)
Save your ten dollars, I can sum up this entire movie for you right now. Cynthia Nixon is needy and annoying, talking about her kid over and over. Kim Cattrall sucks and fucks her way through another annoying performance as the skanky Samantha. Kristen Davis says something stupid and acts vulnerable. Mario Cantone does something extremely gay. And then the one that looks like Viola Swamp from “Miss Nelson is Missing”…
What is her name… Oh, yeah, Sarah Jessica Parker leaves “Big” at the alter and writes something profound in her column. There I summed up the entire movie.
What movie do you want to see this summer and what movie are you staying away from?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
I’m waiting for your sex video to come out…
It would be the least viewed movie ever.
(In my best Stewie Griffin voice) Spot on, sir. Spot on. Especially that Sex and the City review. I haven’t wanted to NOT see a movie that bad since I got free passes to see “From Justin to Kelly” from a radio station. (Another story)
What dj did you blow to get those?
LOL! I can’t believe you said Viloa Swamp!!!!! Miss Nelson in Jimmy Choo’s. Too funny. (I’m still seeing the movie.)
Tell me she doesn’t look like her.
I can’t!!! Its the best comparison ever. Even better than when on Family Guy Peter said ‘they let Sarah Jessica parker on tv and her face looks like a foot!’ You rule!
i’ll pass on those movies. i rather sit and wait for zohan. at least i know thats going to be funny. the love guru looks alright. they were better off making another austin powers.
I saw the preview for Zohan last night. I am mixed on it.
This list of summer movies is why I hate going to the movies. I only want to see ‘The Wackness’, and the new Pixar Flick so my Nephew doesn’t think I’m lame.
I have heard some good things about Iron Man which was surprising, Forgetting Sarah Marshall was funny (for the pig scene alone), and I have high hopes for the Dark Knight.
Sarah Marshall was good. My hopes might be too high for Dark Knight. Whenever I see Robert Downey in anything I just think there is always a chance he is going to go on a bender and suck someones dick. I’m scarred.
Meryl Streep and ABBA?? Ewwww.
They go together like HIV and the red cross
Im constantly scouting new TShirt ideas (not really) – A Miss Nelson/Viola Swamp with the right SJP image would be a #1 best seller. As much as I hate to admit it.
Wait, Sisterhood of the Traveling pants 2? Didn’t they kind of say everything they needed to say with the first?!
I am looking forward to The X-Files 2: I Want To Believe, because well… I’m an uber geek.
I am looking forward to it as well. Although I am disappointed it is a stand alone story.
I was really hoping it’d be a part of the “Alien Conspiracy” moreso than the whole “OH FUCK THE WOLF MAN”, but I’m happy that they’re keeping it so under wraps.
It looks like there is a bunch of movies coming out for the women. What happen to all the Man Movies.
There are a ton.
I’ll wait for most of the upcoming movies to hit dvd first most likely. I just saw The Forbidden Kingdom the other day and liked it (but I like cheesy Kung Fu movies so that’s not exactly an on par review) and I’ll probably see the Will Smith superhero movie Huckabee or Hickory farms or whatever it’s called. And I’ll have to take my kids to the Wally movie (I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong… I suppose I could have looked up the names of the last two but I’d rather spend those few extra seconds of my life staring off into space.) I won’t see Speed Racer though, they put Christina Ricci in it and I tried to like her, I really did, but I just can’t. Her creepy ghoulish face just gives me the jibblies.
I don’t know… What was the last really good movie that Will Smith made?
I thought he was pretty good in Pursuit of Happyness and Ali, of course over the top as usual, but mostly believable- and I liked the cheesy Bad Boys movies, horribly acted as they were, so I think I can deal. I won’t by any means go in with high expectations, but I do have sort of a penchant for crappy movies as long as they keep me entertained and I don’t have to think a lot while watching them. =P
To not see Speed Racer based on the fact that one of the Wachowski’s lost their mind is kinda silly. The movie looks fantastic. Not expecting an Oscar winner here, but I bet it will be very entertaining.
I have not watched movies for less.
I’m confused – you talk about The Wachowski Brother and his facinating hobbies and passtimes but then sum up the review with a reference to someone’s sick fetishes. Is that some veiled reference to a part of the movie in a preview that only you have seen?
That was kind of a reference to a Rolling Stone article that slammed him for impacting the last two Matrix movies because he was so involved in that world. They said that his experiences in that influenced the movies so heavily…
I guess it would be difficult to extract oneself from a world of cross-dressers and trans-sexuals to go make fantasy world movies (duh). I can hardly blame the guy for bringing along a bit of baggage.
I disagree. Mamma Mia will be nothing but fabulous and – if I am very lucky – will magically combine with the reunion of New Kids on the Block in resurrecting overalls. The fashion planets have not been aligned in such a way for far too long.
Well my date last night kind of was interested in it as well… I am sure both of you will enjoy going to see it.
Your date sounds like someone I might like to be related to.
That is the only way to explain the horrible taste in movies.
The males here want to see Wanted. Angelina Jolie, shooting and shit blowing up – guess that says it all. It all looks like hyped crap to me. Oh, and the morons who decided to make Tropic Lightning, they need slapped – hard.
Is that the one with Robert Downey Jr wearing black face?
LOL! Sadly, no. It is the one where some post-pubescent loser is scooped up from the streets by Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman to be one of along line of ancestral assassins. The dude who produced Night Watch and Day Watch is handlign the special effects so at least those won’t suck.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will be getting my money this summer. My only concern is Shia LaBeouf, but I’m hoping that not even he can ruin it.
And isn’t Pineapple Express coming out this summer too? I want to see that.
Yeah I don’t need Shia LeBeouf screwing up everything from my childhood.
And yes Pineapple Express does come out and it is on my list.
What kind of cultural retard doesn’t absolutely love Abba music incorporated into a charming story with improbable characters?
Really Kevin….
Well, the stage production was amusing.
You know, I don’t know how I missed the resemblance to Viola Swamp. It is really quite striking! Way to make my day.
Funny, the only one on the list I’ll be watching is Sex and the City. My fiancee has been bugging me to go and see it when we return to the States. I have to admit I was brushed up on the seasons (paid 10 bucks for the whole series from the Chinese aboveground pirates in Beijing)All pun to the side, I will be going willingly.
Good Show! An asshole indeed but you are much too kind on these movies sir! I’m pissin’ on the actual film stock on some of these, when I get my hand on them!!!
LOL omg great summer preview…i wont be seeing any of those crappy movies either. Sorry I’ve been MIA, my computer has been really ghey lately.
Kudos for the Viola Swamp/Miss Nelson is Missing reference
Hey Sarah-Jessica! Why the long face????
HEY!!! i had that book!! ms nelson is missing or something like that… i had forgotten about it… but i LOVED it. um and yes im going to the vip sex in the city premiere at the theatre… but its free… but i have to volunteer… c’mon, you have to go… it’s sex in the city!
I just saw the preview of Mama Mia. Meryl Streep is crazy.
wow…nice viola swamp refrence.
I could never put my finger on who SJP looked like.
Think of the thousands of dollars you saved us!!! Extra kudos for the Nell Carter picture on your main page.