Please Stop Lying to Me Comcast
I have lived in three different states in my lifetime. I don’t think that is impressive at all but what is impressive is I have had to learn at least 7 different cable systems and satellite channel structures that I can remember. Now personally I think that is amazing. In fact I think it ranks right up there with… with… with… uh… other feats that show off the amazing ability of the human brain.
With my move to Boston I became a Comcast cable subscriber for the first time. Now before I moved here if anyone told me that they had Comcast I wouldn’t figure that it was important and that they were like any other cable company. However that is so far from the truth, they are lying sons of bitches.
Why do I think that?
Did I get screwed over on a bill? No.
Does my service not work? Nope everything is fine.
You know the little guide that gives you the schedule? On most cable systems and satellite providers it just provides you with a description of the show or movie. Not on Comcast, they provide you with a half ass written review and according to them EVERYTHING is good, including this pile of crap…
Here is what it says for “John Tucker Must Die”:
“Killer comedy about a trio of vengeful teenage girls who go to hilarious lengths to get even with a three-timing high school lothario who’s been stringing them along.”
First of all I doubt anyone that would be a target viewer for “John Tucker Must Die” would know what a lothario is. Also there was nothing hilarious about “John Tucker Must Die”, trust me I know I have watched it at least three times. (Kidding… partially.)
The other thing that bothers me about this is that they still use the star rating system, so the movie has a glowing review and only two stars. How can a movie be hilarious and also suck at the same time? Well unless it is hilariously bad, but I doubt that is what they were going for here.
I know you want to rope is in and spend more time watching television Comcast so we see a value for our ever growing cable bills, but it is time for to clean up your act. Either give us straight up descriptions of the movie or brutally honest reviews. Here is my proposed review for “John Tucker Must Die”.
“Passable teen comedy about jealous ex girlfriends getting revenge on a guy that played them. Worth watching to see all the hot barely legal girls that you will think of while screwing your wife tonight after sharing a box of wine. Chicks and gay dudes will also enjoy Jesse Metcalfe who is sans shirt as much as possible throughout this flick.”
Now that is more like it. (the quote not the picture)
What do you want reviews or just straightforward descriptions?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
And now a new feature, the word of the day:
On 04/28/08 at 6:33 am
Marty said:
“John Tucker must die, a rip-snorting Hot Carl-esque movie that will have you gasping for more.” Successful usage?
On 04/28/08 at 6:39 am
Kevin said:
I’ll take it.
On 04/28/08 at 6:49 am
Meghan said:
Just for the sake of continuity, the word of the day COULD have been ‘lothario’ (I know the def), but as always you took the high road with ‘Hot Carl’. I respect that.
**clapping hands**
On 04/28/08 at 7:11 am
Kevin said:
I recorded a bunch of clips before I wrote the blog. It would so have made sense to do it that way. Damn it.
On 04/28/08 at 7:22 am
Meghan said:
No way - keep it Random. The people at ComCast will Thank You as readers line up to watch ‘John Tucker Must Die’ for the Hot Carl Scene.
On 04/28/08 at 7:26 am
Kevin said:
I know Ashanti would be into it.
On 04/28/08 at 7:00 am
Meghan said:
I love how under ‘Other Crap Like This’
#1 is ‘The Ultimate Secret to any Successful Relationship’, and #2 is ‘A Christmas Wish’!
On 04/28/08 at 7:12 am
Kevin said:
I think #1 and #4 tie together nicely.
On 04/28/08 at 9:25 am
Daniel said:
hot carl???? Just one reason that I am soooo glad not to be your girlfriend…even if you do have cable with movie channels.
On 04/28/08 at 12:19 pm
Kevin said:
I’m a romantic
On 04/28/08 at 10:34 am
David said:
Not to worry - you will continue to have the opportunity to learn new channel line-ups. Comcast has an annoying habit of restructuring the line-up pretty much every year and usually in ways that makes no logical sense.
On 04/28/08 at 12:28 pm
Kevin said:
The fact that I know what ESPN is on over at least 5 cable systems off of the top of my head is an accomplishment.
On 04/28/08 at 11:01 am
JiMoe said:
i would like descriptions because reviews always tend to suck.
On 04/28/08 at 12:29 pm
Kevin said:
I agree
On 04/28/08 at 11:28 am
The Muse said:
I do not get the cheesy reviews on my Comcast. I get the dry description that you lust for. I feel so deprived.
KJ
On 04/28/08 at 12:20 pm
Kevin said:
We can swtich
On 04/28/08 at 12:00 pm
cio_cio_san said:
wow, i never noticed your accent before. It’s actually kind of hilarious (maybe just to me).. So i guess carl is a euphemism for poop? also i can’t stand the moobs on that john tucker kid!
On 04/28/08 at 12:30 pm
Kevin said:
what accent
On 04/28/08 at 12:50 pm
E said:
My thoughts exactly - anyone who would watch that film wouldn’t know what a lothario is. Hell, your spell-check doesn’t recognize it as a word, either.
On 04/28/08 at 12:54 pm
LOTNorm said:
I’ve only had to learn 2 channeling systems (unless you count aqueducts), but I can remember both. The problem with any television provider reviewing shit is that they want you to watch it. They’re not going to say “John Tucker Must Die blows more than a Filipino whore on her birthday”.
Now, I must hurry and cancel my Chinese takeout order before that hot carl I ordered gets here.
On 04/28/08 at 1:00 pm
matty said:
I’ve waxed the carrot at least 20 times to Britney Snow in that movie. Even if I kind of see a fat chick in her waiting to get out.
By the way, “BioDome” gets two stars from Comcast, if that tells you anything.
On 04/28/08 at 1:40 pm
PitChiK said:
I had Comcast until Time Warner bought them out here in the Dallas area of Texas, and I have to say…Comcast is evil, but Time Warner is the Devil!!!
On 04/28/08 at 1:59 pm
Marcie said:
i hate comcast…it was much better before when it was adelphia…
On 04/28/08 at 2:45 pm
chicky401 said:
I have never seen the movie but I can relate to comcast! Just wish that was the only problem I had with them. I now have dish network
On 04/28/08 at 10:11 pm
kate said:
now that i know what a hot karl is my life is complete I thank you for that ……..
On 04/30/08 at 2:33 am
patrick said:
I work for comcast its so fucked up be glad they can even give you a description good or bad. I have a comcast dvr that wont record my favorit show cause they have it wrong in the system, I have told them every day for four months and ever week they tell me its almost fixed. If i work for them and i cant get something fixed God help you if your a regular customer.
On 05/8/08 at 8:58 pm
merri said:
i have always had comcast, back in boston then here in sf, till i didnt have cable anymore. it’s not too bad… anyway, john tucker must die was a silly but cute movie. and i love that blonde girl. ive always thought she was hot in all her movies/shows. the main one i forget her name. but any movie that keeps me awake and interested (and even laughing!) is good…