"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


5 Ways You Can Tell That You Are Watching an Adult Movie

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/24/08 @ 6:44 am

Besides the gratuitous nudity and hard-core sex there are always a few tell tale signs that you are watching an adult movie.

5- The inflection is different- In a normal movie the following line of dialogue would be said like, “I am here to deliver a package.” With the emphasis being put on the word I, letting everyone know that they (the actor) have arrived.

Now in a porn movie the same line would be delivered as so, “I am here to deliver a package.” The emphasis would be put on package, letting everyone know that the actor’s package has arrived and he will probably be using it rather promptly.

4- The situations that occur are even less likely than the entire series concept for “My Two Dads”- How many times in life is a plumber called to the house to fix some pipes while there is a sleepover going on with ten half naked bi-curious girls in the house? It just doesn’t happen.

staci keanan

(Side Note: I have seen the adult movie version of “My Two Dads“, let’s just say it was nothing like the sitcom although the car couch did make an appearance… and Staci Keanan did star, she needs the work. )

christopher walken

3- Christopher Walken isn’t in it- He is in every over movie that Hollywood produces. In fact I don’t think they even write lines for him anymore, “Chris can you show up to the set for a cameo role? Yeah, no line, just be Walken for like ten minutes.” Although if he did show up in one he would probably have a line like, “Wow…you really came here and delivered this package.”

2- Most of the lines are being delivered by actresses worse than Marilyn Ghigliotti- If you have ever watched the movie “Clerks” Marilyn Ghigliotti played Dante’s girlfriend Veronica giving one of the worst acting performances in the history of mankind. However, it must be said that actors and actresses in adult films still perform better than Sofia Coppola in “The Godfather: Part III”.

1-The punishments don’t make sense- If a guy kills someone in a regular movie the repercussions are usually that he ends up in jail or he is tracked down and killed vigilante style. In an adult movie the punishment would be something that involved sex toys, rope, and anal violation. Actually I guess it would the equivalent if he went to jail.

What are other tell tale signs that you are watching an adult movie and not a regular movie?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com.

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

26 Responses to “5 Ways You Can Tell That You Are Watching an Adult Movie”

  1. oh my says:

    You’ve got it covered. Love the Walken bit.

  2. cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    the acting in porn is getting better. Soon the there will not be any difference.

  3. matty says:

    How soon before Stacey Keanan stars in a porno? Can you let me know when? Thanks.

    Oh, and Lisa Spoonhauer’s performance as Caitlin Bree in Clerks was worse. But the Chewlies Gum rep was awesome.

  4. Meghan says:

    Soundtrack. There is classical guitar, and then there is porn guitar. I think bad sax players must make porn tracks during their ‘lean’ months.

  5. Meghan says:

    Also – in adult movies they have a running track of music in random shots leading up to the action. There is no need for porn guitar while a woman is reading a magazine in a respectable flick.

  6. Duane says:

    I can’t believe no one has pointed out how the women seem to enjoy someone else’s fluids being sprayed on them in porn films, but not so much anywhere else.

  7. Josh says:

    Kevin Smith is one of my favorite directors, but the other night I watched Clerks for the first time in a long time, and fuck is the acting terrible.

    The writing is spot on- but EVERYONE is just fucking all over the place.

    also: I’d tap Marilyn Ghigliotti, she was on the Clerks X DvD, kind of cute.

  8. moooooog35 says:

    I think you have to scratch the comment about punishment.

    In jail, you’re ALSO subjected to sex toys, rope and anal violation.

    Don’t ask me how I know this.

  9. kaph says:

    So are you a fan of Walken or not?

  10. Daniel says:

    with xTube and every imaginable fetish demonstrated by devotees in real life, do people still watch “professional” porn? Well, duh, I guess you wouldn’t have written this if no one was watching.

  11. Melissa says:

    There are no Interpol/FBI threats of retaliation and jail time for copying porn vids to interrupt your viewing pleasure. We actually appreciate the ease of popping in porn and getting to the flick witout 50 minutes of annoying crap – that is usually listed an an extra under special features or on another disc that can be used as target practice when we run low on sport clays.

  12. I think the biggest giveaway is the lack of CGI. Imagine if the porn industry embraced this technology, we would no longer have to suffer through 1000 fat star trek fans lining up to screw some bored peroxide blond. With a little imagination and the right script you could have hardcore porn epics to rival anything Cecil B De Mille produced.

  13. Midleah says:

    I think Walken DID do porn. Remember his SNL skits as ‘The Continental’?

  14. benji says:

    i liked nomber 2

  15. tiggy says:

    I know I’m watching porn when I get that special feeling in my lady areas. To be honest, that did happen while watching Muppets Christmas Carol.

  16. If you could replace all of the actors with retarded people and the scene has about the same level of plausibility, you are probably watching porn. Also, if you are watching real retarded people and their clothes are off–definitely porn.

  17. supernik says:

    i would have to say the biggest give away is the way they do the camera work, either i am not looking at the correct porns or something but the camera work is crap in porns – they just dont seem to care to use good equipment or something

  18. MC says:

    When the pizza delivery guy shows up in a porno, he’s usually bringing a lot more sausage.

  19. Ekim941 says:

    Well, no matter how recent the porn movie is the music still sounds like it came from “Dr. Who”
    Er, Umm, from what I have heard.

  20. vivmate says:

    that got me hooked :)

© 2008 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound