I want to be an expert at something
I was flipping through the channels the other night and stopped on some crappy cable news channel as they were interviewing a guy with magnificent facial hair. Now I don’t drop that comment lightly on anyone, as a heterosexual alpha male it is hard for me to admit the positive physical traits of another male but this dude had amazing facial hair.
Anyways, as he was talking a graphic appeared at the bottom of the screen that just said his name followed by “expert”. It didn’t say where he was from, what his job was, if he published a book, it just said “expert”. At first I thought that cable news has just gotten really lazy and I continued flipping through the channels but then I thought, “Damn, I want to be an expert.”
Think of all the cool shit experts get to do. They go on TV and radio giving their opinion about whatever story is hot and pertains to their area of expertise. Plus I would imagine they get laid like all the time.
Girl: So what do you do?
Guy: I am an expert on liberal economies in post world war 2 Europe.
Girl: I so want you to chef my dumper.
What makes someone an expert? This is a question that I have been thinking about for days after watching this. Most of the time it is an academic or someone that works at a think tank and to be honest those are two jobs that I don’t want. I mean I am already close enough to having a mental breakdown working on my Masters Degree, if I went for my Doctorate I would probably end up doing ritual sacrifices and wearing prairie gowns like those women in Texas. (Side Note: What is the deal with uni-brows and these ladies? Forget about yanking the kids out of there; get some Nair down there stat.)
(see second one from left)
In the field I work in (social media) people proclaim themselves to be experts all the time on their blogs or their websites because they write about the topic and once and awhile give a speech at a conference. I figured I could take that route and just proclaim myself an expert at something. The question is… what do I become an expert in?
Here are my options:
Construx- I could build anything with those toys. They are like the poor kids version of legos, but man how I loved them. However, I don’t see a lot of interviews coming my way about this.
Anal Fisting/Plunger Rape- Two of my favorite jokes to make but I have never anally fisted anyone nor have I participated in a plunger rape… However if I did proclaim myself an expert at either of these topics I would without a doubt end up on the O’Rilley Factor, I just have a feeling he is a fan.
Can Opener Technology- Nope…
Dating-This actually would be pretty easy to do. Have you seen some of the people out there talking about dating and relationships? When you look at them you know that they haven’t been laid in like twenty years yet they feel qualified to give dating and relationship advice. The last person I want to have telling me how to date is a fifty year old lady that lives with fourteen cats.
Cockblocking- For some reason I have the power to totally screw up friends of mine getting laid. I will get drunk and piss off one of the friends of the girl my friend is working on or I will say something that will totally screw them over like, “don’t you have a girlfriend?”
I think I have found my field of expertise. So what do I put on my business card?
Kevin- Master Cock Blocker or Cockblocker (is it one or two words?)
Or
Kevin- Cock Blocking Since 1999
What are you an expert in?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
(lots of great entries yesterday I will narrow it down and put it to a vote at the end of the week)
my personnal favorite... 
On 04/22/08 at 7:30 am
Meghan Lawrence said:
According to Google, ‘Meghan is considered the expert in the state on victim rights issues’. Thats sounds much more dignified than ‘As a Nanny, Meghan is an expert in Children’s Tylenol Suppositories’.
On 04/22/08 at 8:36 am
Kevin said:
You know where I can score any of those?
On 04/22/08 at 7:31 am
Meghan said:
Why have I had my FULL name on these comments…eek.
On 04/22/08 at 8:37 am
Kevin said:
Yeah I wouldn’t want people to know that I am commenting on this crap either.
On 04/22/08 at 7:35 am
Marty said:
Couldn’t a dumper chef be an expertise in its own right?
On 04/22/08 at 7:42 am
Meghan said:
I agree. I think ‘I want to Chef Your Dumper’ was Eliot Spitzer’s 1st choice of campaign slogans. Too bad it was shot down.
On 04/22/08 at 8:39 am
Kevin said:
It has to be.
On 04/22/08 at 8:11 am
cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
I think you are an expert on Scott Baio.
I am an expert in the complex formula application of alcohol/time=intoxication.
On 04/22/08 at 8:39 am
Kevin said:
Do you have charts and stuff for that?
On 04/22/08 at 11:48 am
Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
I do indeed, but after YEARS of experience I can just tell that the blonde in the corner will need two vodka cranberrys to be drunk enough to blow the leather jacket due with too much Ax body spray.
On 04/22/08 at 9:26 am
Katie said:
Definitely go with Master Cockblocker…it has a certain ring to it. Also keep in mind that introducing yourself as Master Cockblocker to the women your friends are interested in will do the job itself, you won’t even have to apply yourself.
On 04/22/08 at 9:56 am
Kevin said:
It would make things so much easier wouldn’t it?
On 04/22/08 at 9:32 am
Tisay said:
haha! i think it’s hyphenated. master cock-blocker… i’d like to see that business card.
and just a little trivia, the female equivalent of cock-blocking is called cunt-stunting. =P i dunno if it really is, but that’s what me and my buddy call it.
On 04/22/08 at 9:56 am
Kevin said:
cunt stunting needs to be on a t-shirt
On 04/22/08 at 9:36 am
Lauryn said:
Q. What is the best way to tell my mother I’m Pregnant?
A. The good news is you don’t have to tell your mother. There are many alternative options available. You can go up there with a coat hanger and a vacuum, have a friend or boyfriend push you down the stairs, pretend like your getting fat then throwing the infant in the dumpster, or just drop it off at a baby safe haven. So in closing today’s world makes it so you never have to tell your mother.
On 04/22/08 at 9:57 am
Kevin said:
uh….
On 04/22/08 at 9:41 am
Josh said:
Expert cat wrangler.
On 04/22/08 at 9:58 am
Kevin said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgH4h4KMoGk
Do you think they have a union?
On 04/22/08 at 11:58 am
Josh said:
I don’t see why not.
Dangerous job.
On 04/22/08 at 9:53 am
JiMoe said:
I am an expert on firsts on your blog. I wrote the freakin rules! haha jk
On 04/22/08 at 9:57 am
Kevin said:
You are the grandmaster of first/fists
On 04/22/08 at 10:03 am
Ekim941 "Expert" said:
Cockblocker = Planned Parenthood Expert, sounds more professional. The difference between “hobbyist” and “Expert” is the size of the check.
On 04/22/08 at 10:06 am
Kevin said:
I am all about being professional.
On 04/22/08 at 10:27 am
Tenacious D said:
I would like to add another expertise: “work-blocker”. I lost 4 hours with that friggin Stumble you wrote about. I’m so getting fired.
On 04/22/08 at 11:17 am
Kevin said:
That stuff is like crack… You should not have it on a work computer. It sucks you in… and um… don’t be afraid to give my shit a thumbs up every once and awhile.
On 04/23/08 at 10:13 am
Daniel said:
I thought that was “once in awhile”. Live and learn
On 04/22/08 at 10:42 am
Trice said:
Trice ~ Master of Sucking and Chucking
I like Master Cockblocker, sounds like you wear leather!
On 04/22/08 at 11:18 am
Kevin said:
back to this sucking and chucking
On 04/22/08 at 12:00 pm
matty said:
Chef my dumper? Holy shit I am stealing that phrase. Thanks!
On 04/22/08 at 1:57 pm
Meghan said:
Cunt Stunting! Ha! I just found out that the female equivalent to ‘Rock out with Your Cock Out’ is
‘Jam out with your Clam Out’!!!
On 04/22/08 at 3:54 pm
LOTNorm said:
Master of inexperience. I do lectures on how I have no fucking clue what’s going on.
On 04/22/08 at 4:46 pm
Karl Rove said:
You could just combine your expertise and be an expert on how to cockblock with Construx. I guarantee you’d be the only one in that field.
On 04/23/08 at 10:18 am
Daniel said:
I thought I was the only one mesmerized by the texas polygamist unibrow epidemic. I am so relieved to see a brilliant man, such as yourself, had also taken note.
On 04/23/08 at 10:28 am
Kevin said:
How can anyone NOT notice?
On 04/23/08 at 10:57 am
Daniel said:
The do-gooders are just too easily distracted by all those inbred children with too many parents to focus on their lack of grooming. I can’t imagine how long the leg hairs are on those babes. One daddy 40 years older than mom and her 7 sister-moms. I feel really sorry for the young dudes since the old farts are taking all the girls their age.