Every once in awhile I like to visit the website of Seventeen Magazine and see the questions that their readers send in. Frankly I feel that the answers they give these girls are usually wrong, so it is up to Uncle Kevin to sweep in driving his van with no windows to give these girls the proper advice they need. As always these are actual questions with my answers.
Q:”Can I still get pregnant from having sex in the water?”
–Stephanie, 16, Oakville, ON
A: Steph- it is a well-known fact that water kills sperm especially if there are high amounts of chlorine in it. So if you were planning on banging your boyfriend in the hot tub while your parents are out of down I give it a thumbs up.
In fact for future reference you don’t even need to use a condom anymore, especially if you have a detachable showerhead. After you get done having sex just take that bad boy off and shoot it into your love hole. The water will kill all the sperm. I know some doctors will tell you that the sperm will ride the water like a surfer all the way to your eggs but that is a lie. They get it confused with the scrubbing bubbles and how they work.
Q: “Is it normal to get pimples near your vagina? Not in it, but around where I shave?”
–Chelsea, 17, Marina, NY
A: You may want to go out and invest in some:
Just sayin’.
Q: “I’m a freshman in high school, and I’m really hitting it off with a junior. He’s so sweet, but I’ve heard rumors that upperclassmen are just trying to get in your pants. What’s the deal with dating upperclassmen?”
–Joy, 14, San Francisco, CA
A: You see Joy this is how it works. In high school if a boy doesn’t have the ability to sleep with anyone in his class or if they have already slept with everyone in their class they need to look to the underclassmen or out of town to get laid.
So be prepared that about three weeks into the relationship when you inevitably say that you are falling in love with him, like every other idiot high school girl, he will reply by saying, “If you really love me you would put my throbbing man meat into your mouth.”
I know you probably want to wait until marriage. So just remember two things… Oral sex and anal sex don’t count as real sex! They are just fun things that god made available to you so you can save it for your wedding night! (because you will never do either again after you are married)
Q: “My boyfriend and I have recently started to have oral sex. We have not yet had vaginal sex. Is it possible for me to get pregnant?”
–Anonymous, 16, OH
A: Conventional wisdom says no… But if you go down on him and he ejaculates into your mouth, then you spit it back into his mouth, and then he goes down on you and spits it into your vagina… Well you could have a baby on the way nine months later.
Just so you know this is how Ashlee Simpson got pregnant.
And now a little contest…
Take your shot at answering the question below in the comments section. The best answer will win a $25 gift card to Amazon or Itunes, whichever you prefer and a copy of the ebook Power of a Social Network: BlogCatalog which is being donated from MattNuts.com. (the winner will be announced at the end of the week)
Q: “What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant?”
–Anonymous
A: Write your answer in the comments below.
If you like a submitted caption reply to the comment and give them your “vote”.
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
write it on a piece of paper, stick it to the bathroom door, then send your dear mother in. when shes calmed down, let her out again. this may take a while.
Bathroom correspondence is how I handle most of my major news telling.
As with all things of a delicate nature I feel it’s best to hide it from her for as long as possible and then when it gets towards the stage where deceit is impossible and a coat hanger has failed to dislodge the problem. That’s the time to bring in your pre-prepared “The funny looking neighbour raped me story” This approach not only gives you a ton of post rape sympathy but also rids the neighbourhood of a potential sex pest, thereby killing two birds with one stone and bingo!!! Everyone is happy(with the exception of the incarcerated neighbour obviously, but he deserved it)
lololololol hilarious this should definitely win!”
this explains why Mr. Johnson went away when I was little.
i think the best time would be around 4am when mom’s gets home from working at the strip club. you can present her with the pretty blue lined pregnancy test strip while she’s still strung out on crack & counting her 1’s.. it’s probably best that ur thug boyfriend is no where in the vicinity of ur trailer park, just in case mom doesnt take it so well. note, hide the shotgun beforehand… second option, there’s always the jerry springer show…
Strippers aren’t usually on crack… Meth is the way to go
‘Mum - I’m pregnant, but it’s Dad’s fault.’
I have only read a handful and we have more incest jokes than you can shake a stick at.
I think the best way to let your mom know is to hide your pregnancy until the baby arrives. Then bring it home and say “Mom, meet my new little sister/brother” because we all know who will really be raising that baby.
haha @ Tracys…this one is good…
It’s funny because it is true.
the best way to tell mommy your knocked up is to not tell her at all. start buying baby things and setting up a nursery….deny, deny, deny untill the baby comes…she wont even know the difference.
Denial has gotten me far in life.
Ok - here’s what we’ll need:
Mask, Ball gag (can we borrow yours), large sheet of plastic, rope, and a rented room in a warehouse down by the docks.
Dose the step dad with drugs and alcohol - they’ll love it and never know what hit them (Step dad - I know, playing the dysfunctional family card might not be fair. But if you’re knocked up and have to ask Seventeen Magazine for advice, there must be a broken home involved).
Drag him down to room in warehouse and tie to chair. Insert and tighten ball gag - not too tight. Turn on small tv in front of him and make them watch re-runs of
“Something To Talk About” with Julia Roberts and Dennis Quaid. Release ransom note before dawn. Get some sleep.
Wake up to house full of reporters and policeman. Walk downstairs sleepy eyed and lovingly embrace your worried and frantic mother.
Allow the search to go on for several days, you need to let the panic build.
On day 5, When reporters ask to take your statement, laugh and say
“Just kidding everyone, I’m only pregnant”
Bring Attorney. You may need one - the good news is they may not lock you up, in your delicate condition.
I needed to draw a diagram for this.
Dear Anonymous,
The following steps are a tried and true method to tell your parents that you’re pregnant. Deviation from any of these steps may result in your parents suicide.
1) Go to New York, 15th and Broadway. Meet up with a man named “Guapo.” Tell him that “Beano sent you.”
2) Once you have your new identity, you will need to move to Canada (or some other country that is populated by pussies and has free health care - because your parents sure ain’t gonna want to foot the bill for your little bastard).
3) Contact your parents via a borrowed cell phone. If you have $20 leftover from pimping yourself out (you are a whore, right?), you can ask the person you borrowed the cell phone from to make the call for you.
4) Tell your parents - via phone - that you’re now living in a foreign country with a new identity, are a prostitute, are pregnant, and now have syphillis that you’ve contracted from the borrowed cell phone.
With any luck, the pregnancy thing will seem trivial and fall through the cracks. Your parents will wire you money to come home, where they will raise the child themselves…although they WILL name it “Little Bitch” or “Little Bastard,” simply out of spite.
If this DOESN’T work, head back to New York to see Guapo. He’s always looking for new girls.
Good luck!
I am actually related to Guapo
Wait until you are at least 4 to 5 months pregnant.
Make sure that you get your family together for movie night….The best ones would be Exorcist 1, 2 or 3 and Rosemary’s Baby.
After watching all of these go to bed and pretend to have horrible nightmares.
Once mom comes in to comfort you admit to her that the devil possessed you and raped you so now you are going to have a demon child.
SURPRISE!!!
Vote!!!
The only person that hasn’t molested this girl yet is the milkman… This is great.
First thing you do is make sure you tell her she is really not your mom.This will throw her for a loop. Tell her that she fell off a boat and when your Dad rescued her she had amnesia and does not remember who she really was. Now comes the tricky part. You tell her that your Dad is not really your Dad, he is just a Cuban drug lord who kidnapped you from one of his old family members when he wanted revenge for the slaying of his Tia Cecilia, who was also his first piece of ass ever. Now tell her he has knocked you up and will not pay for the abortion that the greasy man at the corner garage will give you. When your Mom comes to in intensive care where she is recuperating from a heart attack, just smile sweetly as only you can and tell her it was all just a joke. Jim Bob got you pregnant! She will be so happy she won’t even give a shit.
Q: “What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant?”
That depends on your gender.
If you are a boy, the best way to tell mom is on Oprah. Mom would love that. Problem solved.
If you are a girl, the best way to tell mom is when you are on top of the staircase, or while she is holding a coat hanger. Preferably while you are on top of the stair case and she is holding a coat hanger. You can’t be too safe.
But I guess we’ve already established that you can’t be too safe.
No need for an elaborate plan, just keep it simple. Go down to Wal-Mart and buy her “The worlds greatest Grandma” t-shirt and matching coffee mug. Give said present to mother. Her first reply will be, “Oh that’s cute but I’m not a Grandma.” You reply with “Surprise, you learn something new everyday!”
Note: Dislodging an XXL t-shirt and lead painted coffee cup made in China from ones vaginal cavity can be very difficult. Before presentation of present, have boyfriend throw a load of “dick snot” in said cavity. The lubrication should help ease the pain. This plan with not work if your older sister has served more men then the first McDonalds and is now carrying around three kids. (I have a feeling this is the case.)
Don’t worry, didn’t you see “Juno”? I am sure your parents will be thrilled, and not even raise their voices or tell you that you are a completely waste. They’ll probably even buy you a car. If that is not the case, sorry, I tend to believe pseudo-hipster indie movies completely unrealistic story lines and run with them.
Thank you. Glad I’m not the only one who couldn’t stand that shitty movie… (and referenced it in our answers)
What was the deal with that? I hated that movie. Its ok I got knocked up because I was a stupid bored whore. Because I’m giving it up for adoption. I’m practically Mother Teresa. Urgh. What a waste of 2 hours. Glad I’m not the only one who hated it.
While it may seem the best way to handle this little slip up is to be honest and upfront with your mother, it won’t get you a whole lot of sympathy. You need to be sure to make Mom know this is all her fault, not yours! If Mom had advocated anal like she should’ve, this mess wouldnt have happened in the first place! What are mothers teaching their daughters? Everyone knows that while oral and anal might lead to an unsightly rash, they will never get you preggers. Blame Mom for her sexual inadequacies! Maybe if she had gotten around a bit more, instead of having you at 16, you wouldnt be in this predicament.
Q: What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant
A: There are a multitude of ways to tell her, but do you really want to be pregnant? Come on, you’re what- 16? Jesus Christ, just jump down the stairs or find a nice metal coathanger and give yourself a metal wire abortion.
Seriously, Jesus Christ- what is with you? Why the hell would you have sex without a condom?!
You know what, nevermind- tell your mother you were gang raped by your step-father and you have to keep the baby.
Your step-dad leaves (he was an ass anyways, right?) and you get a bit of sympathy in your trailer.
One of my neighbors kids ended up pregnant in high school. She was due in January so by the time she was showing she was wearing heavy sweaters to cover up most of the bump. The day she went into labor she told her mom she was having a really bad stomach ache and thought they should go to the hospital. Might be her appendix. Well, a few hours later out popped a baby. Her parents had no time to even get angry at her or think about it - they just had to accept it. Bonus points for her, she went to a hospital that opened a new nursery. Her baby was the first born and she went home with a carseat, diaper bag and other goodies. So, I totally agree with Tracy above - just don’t tell them, fake a stomach ache and no one will have time to think about it!
When talking to her just call her grandma. She will think you are making an age comment. Do this a few times, spread out over several weeks/months. That way when she says as she will “What the fuck were thinking or you werent thinking why didnt you tell me you little tramp you ruined your life” You can honestly say I why do you think I kept calling you grandma.
First, start going to church daily. Make sure Mom knows, than follow up by talking “Jesus” daily. After a few weeks, call Mom into your room at 2:45 a.m., than tell her a bright light awakened you. Explain that “some ethereal-lookin’dude” talked to you. Though you were clearly bleary-eyed and half-asleep, he seemed to be explaining something about a “miracle” and that you were now with child. Not just ANY child, but a Son of God. A Gift. Now, Mom may not buy this at first, but keep up the devotionals (why not, your boyfriend has dumped you since the pregnancy story has leaked out to your BFF, who you TOLD not to tell anyone) and STICK to your story. Try to look virginal and mystified (ie: Don’t get stoned as often) and let theology take it’s course! Good luck to you from “You’re Not Seventeen Anymore” magazine!
I suggest using a sky writer to tell your parents your pregnant. Or you can use soap to write it on the bathroom mirror for the entire family to see.
Tell her you’re working on a science fair project and the topic you picked was teen pregnancy. She’ll totally appreciate your hard work and efforts in trying to get an A.
VOTE!!
Vote
The best thing to do is just come out say it. There’s no sense in hiding things - in a few months you will look like you swallowed a watermelon. You may want to ask your boyfriend to get some drugs you can slip into your mom’s drink before you tell her. This way she is slightly sedated and less likely to kick your ass or scream profanities at you when you tell her the good news. Good luck with everything! Think of it positively - now you can apply for welfare!
I have been there and done that so speaking from experience this is the ultimate way to tell your mom you are pregnant.
After visiting the posh college you were accepted to and on the plane ride home, puke in the air sick bags. Your mom will probably make fun of you because you have been well traveled and have been a plane ALOT and never did that before! Tell her that you have a surprise to tell her. Because up in the air there is no way she would be able to deny it. So just as the laughing is getting to you, tell her your pregnant. And hope that your grandparents that came with on the trip don’t have a heart attack.
I think that would be the easiest way….
Since the average reader’s age for Seventeen magazine is about 12 (17 y/o girls are too busy being cheerleaders and fucking quarterbacks to read the magazine), my guess is that you’re dumb as a post and your parents already expect this of you. So, don’t deny it! Throw your own baby shower and invite your mom. You’ll get some cool, free shit, and your mom won’t be able to react negatively in front of your frail grandmother whose sole wish is to see a great grandchild. So, rock on! And good luck with your 8th grade graduation.
Call her from the ambulance on your way to the delivery room and ask her to meet you there.
Text her!!!
Two mail in answers:
When the ‘baby bump’ starts to show, take a trip to the doctors. Hold them up with a needle or something of the like and make them sign a note that says you have a “tumor”.
When you eventually give birth to the “tumor”, claim it is the second coming of Christ and that you are the Virgin Mary reincarnated. The fact you are either clinically insane or the bearer of a miracle should distract her from the fact you just had a baby.
Bonus if you can make money off it.
Answer two:
A: Take your mom with you to the Bookstore, and have her purchase the book”What to Expect when Expecting” for you and when she ask you why you need this book, tell her a science experiment you were trying went totally wrong, therefore you are preparing for the outcome.
Well anonymous. Don’t say a word to your mom. Ever. Just have the baby at your prom like you always wanted to do and leave it in the dumpster. Nobody will find out and you can go on about your life. It always happens that way. Easy cheezy, nice and sleazy.
Contest over. I win.
I was waiting for a dumpster joke. Thank you for making my dreams come true.
Start by telling her that you have a confession to make and she should be sitting down. Then, tell her that you have been in a four month long sexual relationship with your P.E. teacher (The female one). Once your Mom calms down from hearing that you are in a lesbian, Lolita style relationship, pregnancy will pale in comparison.
Then you can tell her about the time you got Pimples near your vagina and he prematurely ejaculated, resulting in the her first Grandchild. Reassure her that you are not a skank, “Mom, I was saving myself for marriage and doing what Uncle Kevin said. He was only supposed to stick it in my ass but he missed by and inch.” That way she will know that you at least have some morals.
So the default avatar links to the red haired chick on MyBlogLog? Is this the girl that asked the question?
c’mon guys, it’s 2008 - send her an e-card or post it on youtube.
Send a mothers day card to yourself!
It’s simple really claim to be out of town on business for say about nine months or so and give birth. Then when I arrived home I would start with a game of hangman or charades. Giving hints of grandmother, pregnant, baby, etc. Then if my mother couldn’t connect it in fear of being the next young grandmother, I would pick up cue cards and make her read them. Then after she fainted and woke up, I would present her the baby. Because we all know that most women who see a cute and cuddly baby, just go simply aww at them.
“What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant?”
Thats easy, re-enact the sex for her. Dont skimp on the sluttiness. There should be props too. A bag of huggies and some formula might help.