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Fallujah is easier to get around in than Toy R Us

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/17/08 @ 9:42 am

Yesterday was my nephew’s 4th birthday, so my duty as an uncle was to get him a gift. I went to Toy R Us to purchase said gift. This was my first trip to the store in about 14 years and things have changed dramatically there.

The first thing that I noticed when arriving at Toys R Us is the rather confusing floor plan of the store. Nothing was really in aisle format; the shelving had twists and turns. It wasn’t very easy to follow. Now I know people are saying, “Kevin you might have a mild case of down syndrome if you can’t make your way around a retail store.”

But I shit you not this was the hardest place to navigate. I have driven cross country, I have driven in NYC, Boston, Philly, SF, LA, and pretty much up and down the east coast. I didn’t have as much trouble navigating any of those places as much as I did Toys R Us. To show that I am not exaggerating I made a copy of the floor plan:

Crop circles are less complicated than this place.

While wandering around I noticed some of the new fangled things that are out there for kids these days. One of them was a talking book like thing. Basically you put an overlay onto a tablet type of thing and it reads the book to the child. At first I thought it was pretty damn neat. Then I thought about it a little and figured that this was one of the laziest inventions ever created. Basically it helps parents that are too lazy to read to their kids and kids that are too lazy to pick up a book and learn the alphabet the old fashioned way. It’s the equivalent of a wife handing her husband the vacuum cleaner every time he wants a blowjob. Sure it may work but in the long run is anyone really coming out ahead? (there actually is no correlation between the two I just wanted to see how that looked in print)

The other thing I noticed is how crazy expensive Thomas the Train (or tank engine whatever the hell they are) toys are. I only have heard of Thomas the Train vaguely. I know what it is but I couldn’t tell you anything other then it is about a Train named Thomas. But whoever created Thomas the Train and owns his licensing has to be laughing at every parent out there. I was in the Thomas the Train section and there was nothing under the price of twenty five bucks. There was a train engine that goes with the wooden track set… It was a glorified matchbox car… twenty five bucks… This got me thinking I need to come up with a kids toy and capitalize on this … Here is what I came up with:

Frankie the Feltching Fox … We’ll make his golden straw sell for at least thirty dollars… It maybe rough around the edges but I think it has potential. He could have friends like Bukkake Bunny, Punch the Donkey and various other little critter buddies.

Sorry back to the Toys R Us thing. I ended up having to hire a Sherpa to find where the Tonka Trucks are located. Apparently though Toys R Us does not carry Tonka trucks, which I don’t get, where did Tonka trucks go? Do they still make them? My parents were getting my nephew a sandbox and I figured every kid needs a Tonka Truck for their sandbox. The only trucks I was able to find are some generic ones and a lil tikes one. Now this puts me in a weird position. At what age are kids too old to play with lil tikes stuff? Is there a social stigma attached to a kid that brings lil tikes toys to nursery school? Will he get picked on for playing with what could be perceived as a baby’s toy? The pressure was really mounting on me.

I didn’t want to be the guy that bought that gift that would get the shit kicked out of him. I decided to shift my focus onto other toys. Now I was stuck at trying to remember what he had and what he didn’t… I was starting to get freaked out. I am officially the cool… ok well the only uncle and I need to get a solid gift. So after sitting in Toys R Us deliberating for a few minutes I decided to do what I should have done in the first place. Go to Wal-mart and buy him an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock.

christmas story

He’ll be all the rage at pre-school this week.

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

(for long time readers: yeah I know this was an old school post… sue me… I am buried at work. For new readers: I just wrote that up for you today!!!!)

What store do you hate trying to get around in?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

17 Responses to “Fallujah is easier to get around in than Toy R Us”

  1. clientsideshow bob says:

    Toys R Us is a trap – designed to make parents chase after their children through a maze of “I want thats!”

    As for a gift, do what I do for my 4 yo nephew, get him hooked on the stuff you liked as a kid. Tonka Trucks do still exist, but they’re plastic now and no fun when you fill them with rocks and roll them down the driveway into traffic. I got my nephew hooked on some of the best TV shows ever – Thundercats, HeMan, GI Joe. All so much better than the crap he watches now where everyone has feelings and the big obstacle is whether or not a screwdriver comes down from a swingset (thank you Handy Manny).

  2. That Guy says:

    i thought this post looked familiar….
    and you think you have it tough….
    i’m the only uncle of a kid with downs syndrome. i guess the gift i get him wont get his ass kicked, but its still no fun knowing that he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him due to bad genetics on his mom’s side….

  3. Meghan Lawrence says:

    Yeesh. I never read this, so I am going to comment.
    IKEA. I happen to know my way around, but there is a certain spot in the store that feels like I will never get out alive. I often wonder how many people are carted out on stretchers from having panic attacks.
    Get back to work!

  4. sporkgasm says:

    hey, isn’t this one from last year?
    i always shop at the small kid’s toy places for my nephew. you couldn’t pay me to shop at toys r us. blech. okay, i just read your parenthesis at the end. whew, for a minute there i thought i’d finally lost it.

  5. Angela says:

    Thomas the Tank Engine is insane but I made a small fortune reselling that shit on EBay.

  6. Patty says:


    Two Words:


  7. damon says:

    Why am I the first to say it.
    “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

    The maze chart is absolutely true.
    There are actually dead ends in Toys r Us.
    But the only saving grace, is that once you have used your compass and camel, and successfully navigated the hedge maze, there, at the end, are 25 people waiting at the only open register.

    God Bless Wal-Mart.

  8. PitChiK says:

    My sister sang the Toys R Us song on her first day of kindergarten over 20 years ago, it was classic. But back then Toys R Us had aisles and Intellivisions. Those were the days.

    • PitChiK says:

      and she cried while she sang it too which made it even better. I laughed at her all the way to school that day.

  9. bishop says:

    “Frankie the Feltching Fox … We’ll make his golden straw sell for at least thirty dollars… It maybe rough around the edges but I think it has potential. He could have friends like Bukkake Bunny, Punch the Donkey”

    u forgot to add farmer d sanchez

  10. Bukkake bunny! I want one!
    Coincidentally, I also blogged about felching today.

  11. supernik says:

    walmart sells metal tonka trucks – they are 30 a pop but well worth it!!!

  12. Middleman says:

    Great blog. I too feel the pressure of trying to be the coolest uncle – first drum kit, first boxing gloves, first spliff, first pint, etc. etc.

    My most confusing retail experience came at KFC. You might enjoy this:


    ps. Happy hoovering. Glad I’m not the only one!

  13. dude, i’ve been working at the one in saginaw, mi for about a year and a half now, and i still get lost. everything, like you noted, is way over-priced and the only perk we get is 10% off……it’s like bend over and grip your ankles…..good blog

  14. Daniel says:

    The other maze is finding yourself in the middle of wal-mart unable to figure out how to find the door.

  15. Emma says:

    ok, i know this is a really old blog, but i’m bored and having a read. Ringo Star (yes of beatles fame) is the man who invented Thomas the Tank Engine. He makes loads off the royalties

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