Every Time I Go Into A Home Store I Feel Like I Don’t Own Enough Stuff
This weekend I had to go out to Home Depot and also to Linens and Things to find thingies for my bed so it won’t roll around. I will go to sleep and wake up the next morning with my bed like two feet off of the wall, my pillows all off the bed and me about to fall off. In order to prevent the situation of me falling between my bed and wall I need to invest in some thingies. (Maybe they are called casters, I have no idea what the technical term is for these.)
When I walked into Linens and Things I began to feel really inadequate, like I don’t have enough stuff for my apartment. I begin to ask myself questions like, “How have I lived this long without a footstool that also acts as a magazine storage bin?”
After leaving the store I came up with a list of five things I need to buy (even though I really don’t need them)
1)Â Â Â A coat rack- While I have hangers in my closet that serve the same purpose I feel like I need a coat rack at the top of my stairs. I feel like it makes this statement, “I own multiple coats and I feel you need to see that I do own more than one coat. You may also place your coat here next to my plethora of outerwear.”
2)Â Â Â A blender- The only thing I have ever blended in my entire life are milkshakes and I think I made margaritas once. However I discovered that you can buy those items at other places and really stopped putting in the effort of making either. I feel though that I am missing out on not owning one because what happens when the day comes that I really need to blend something?
3)Â Â Â The Sex Swing- (Available at Linens and Things in their S&M section.) If Tommy Lee can have one in his house why can’t I? I mean I have the extra bedroom. Of course I would have to leave that door shut and locked at all times. You know, just in case people come over and think it is the bathroom and walk into the room and see the sex swing, candles, and really plush red pillows all around the room. What is the deal with sex rooms and plush red pillows, are they a requirement?
4)Â Â Â Mirrors of Various sizes- I have a bathroom mirror and that is it. I feel like I need other mirrors throughout the house of various sizes so I can stop by them and say things like, “Damn you are getting fat.” Or on other days, “I just realized you are a damn handsome man.” Actually to be honest, I need a full length one to catch if my fly is down. I walked into work the other day and was there for a good hour before I noticed.
5)Â Â Â A silver serving tray- Nothing says classy like nachos and strawberry milk brought out to my coffee table on a silver tray.
What are pointless things that you have purchased for your house or apartment that you probably will never use?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
On 04/14/08 at 7:46 am
Meghan Lawrence said:
Linens and Things is evil. I think it’s the place I go when I just feel like spending cash on worthless shit. I own a Mango Stripper (that’s not a Showgirl). It de-pits the Fresh Mangoes I never buy.
On 04/14/08 at 9:03 am
Kevin said:
well just in case you have a hankering for a mango you are prepared. I don’t think I have ever purchased a mango, well unless you count mango madness from snapple.
On 04/14/08 at 8:05 am
Sarah:) said:
For some reason I get really scared on swings, so if I ever had a sex swing, I’d be screaming for all the wrong reasons.
I have a marble cheese slicer somewhere but we buy pre-sliced cheese.
On 04/14/08 at 9:07 am
Kevin said:
Yeah but if you buy some cheddar you will be ready to go
On 04/14/08 at 8:45 am
Meg said:
I managed to live my whole adult life without knowing what a ‘valance’ is. And I’m a suburban female. Dude, it’s just a phase–you’ll get over it. Just in case you don’t know, a valance is a thingy you hang with curtains which are thingies that cover your windows so folks passing by don’t see you doing thingies in your sex swing.
On 04/14/08 at 9:08 am
Kevin said:
Holy crap you learn something new everyday.
On 04/14/08 at 12:24 pm
James said:
kevin in a sex swing, i just threw up
On 04/14/08 at 12:34 pm
Kevin said:
wait until I break out the assless chaps
On 04/14/08 at 12:46 pm
James said:
you asshole
On 04/14/08 at 12:47 pm
Daniel said:
Sounds to me like a certain guy likes getting his butt spanked when he is on his sex swing…I’m just saying
On 04/14/08 at 12:51 pm
Kevin said:
Hey wait a second how did this turn into butt spanking on the sex swing? I run a high class blog around here.
On 04/14/08 at 8:49 am
Techfun said:
From Linens and Things we have this spinning lazy Susan type thing that can hold 5 kinds of dips or candies or whatever else you can put in a ~8oz bowl. We never use it because when we entertain we end up serving dips right from the tubs they came in since we don’t want to clean the spinny thing after everyone leaves.
We also have a really cool toilet paper roll holder thingie for the bathroom. Its very modern and shaped like a huge squarish fishhook so you don’t have to fiddle with the spring loaded thngamabob inside the roll that holds it in place. We’ve had this new toilet paper older for about 2 years now. I think it is in the hall closet waiting to be installed.
On 04/14/08 at 9:08 am
Kevin said:
My hamper is suffering the same fate… wait maybe I should use that.
On 04/14/08 at 9:05 am
Meghan said:
It’s not as bad as the tupperware my buddy bought that is shaped exactly like a sandwich. He also has a triangle piece of tupperware for a slice of pizza. Sucker.
On 04/14/08 at 9:07 am
Kevin said:
I just have huge containers everything fits in one of those.
On 04/14/08 at 9:22 am
Meghan said:
This is mini-torture…I am now aching to take a trip to Linens and Things! No, wait …The Container Store! That’s some good action!!
On 04/14/08 at 9:57 am
Kevin said:
I have never been to the container store.
On 04/14/08 at 9:47 am
Angie said:
I am really baffled, how is your bed moving, is it on wheels? Are you having crazy sex dreams?
On 04/14/08 at 9:57 am
Kevin said:
It is on rollers. That was how the frame came.
On 04/14/08 at 12:38 pm
Daniel said:
I want to see the nanny cam set up in your bedroom to find out who is sneaking in at night and screwing around with your feng shui. This demands resolution for your inner peace. and by the way, how do you know that there are always red cushions with a sex swing…and don’t give me that “I read about it on the googles”.
On 04/14/08 at 12:43 pm
Kevin said:
I was invited over to Tommy Lee’s house… I don’t want to talk about it.
On 04/14/08 at 9:50 am
Raye said:
I have an addiction to things that are functional. Like coffee tables and ottomans that open up to store things….unfortunately I don’t have much that needs storing in the first place.
On 04/14/08 at 9:58 am
Kevin said:
I am all about functional storage. I need more stuff to store though.
On 04/14/08 at 11:05 am
Selena said:
I love the fact that your picture of the sex swing includes a teddy bear… extremely creepy!!! Thanks for this blog as it made me laugh and there is no better way to start the day!
On 04/14/08 at 12:15 pm
Kevin said:
when I looked up sex swing I found a lot of pictures I um… couldn’t use. the only other picture I could find had the teddy bear in it… I don’t know which was the better way to go
On 04/14/08 at 11:07 am
Selena said:
and there is so much that I would love to buy for my home. We are putting wood flooring down in our cabin and that is probably the most exciting thing going on with us right now.
On 04/14/08 at 12:16 pm
Kevin said:
that is the exact reason why I never want to be a home owner, when that is the most exciting thing going on that is no good
On 04/14/08 at 11:16 am
James said:
Why is it that everytime I read your blog, there always seems to be a link to something involving a cum sock??
On 04/14/08 at 12:18 pm
Kevin said:
don’t you know my slogan is… “pointlessbanter.net your home for cumsock information since 2004″
On 04/14/08 at 12:23 pm
James said:
I think the cumsock needs to be retired. I prefer wetnaps/babywipes
On 04/14/08 at 12:33 pm
Kevin said:
Yeah it might be time to move on
On 04/14/08 at 11:46 am
matty said:
A bidet.
Wait. Nope. Sorry. That’s just a leaky faucet in my sink.
On 04/14/08 at 12:18 pm
Kevin said:
can you get your ass up there and use it in the same fashion?
On 04/14/08 at 12:22 pm
James said:
oh come on, no one wants to know if he can do that
On 04/14/08 at 12:33 pm
Kevin said:
I’m a bit curious
On 04/14/08 at 1:04 pm
Marcie said:
I dont like Linens and Things…I do like home depo….everytime Im in there I feel like a SIM…lol
and i could build a whole house using imagination…
geez….i need to not go to home depo either…
On 04/14/08 at 7:37 pm
Kevin said:
I have no desire to build anything
On 04/14/08 at 1:32 pm
Melissa said:
We have a sex swing, they do come off the ceiling hook and stow under the bed very nicely, and we have blue pillows, not red.
As for useless crap, I’ve been married 17 years, I’ve got a house-full: three different fondue pots - one uses tea lights, one is electric and the last uses charcoal; two electric juicers; a waffle iron; a stackable collection of Asian artware serving trays; about fiftey wicker baskets (the husband likes the damned things); and a set of cast iron cookware that weighs a metric ton but I can’t use because it will rust. Never used any of it - oh! And a donut maker, used once to disasterous results.
On 04/14/08 at 1:47 pm
James said:
every man should own one cast-iron skillet and a waffle iron.
no man should own anything wicker
On 04/14/08 at 7:37 pm
Kevin said:
I didn’t think anyone owned a sex swing and there are like five people on here talking about how great they are… man I repressed
On 04/14/08 at 2:14 pm
Heather said:
I am not sure if anyone else said this, as I haven’t read the comments, but: you don’t have to keep the door always closed in the room that you put the sex swing. They can be detached from the ceiling when not in use
On 04/14/08 at 7:38 pm
Kevin said:
Another pro
On 04/14/08 at 2:42 pm
Mandygirl said:
I have a hanging magazine rack in the bathroom that says “I buy way too many trash magazines, but read them while you poop”
A fish tank, want it?
And a sex swing *nah nah boo boo* : p
On 04/14/08 at 7:38 pm
Kevin said:
You own EVERYTHING
On 04/14/08 at 2:45 pm
Karl Rove said:
I bought an ab wheel a few weeks ago. I’ve used it like 4 times. Basically any kind of exercise equipment ends up getting sold or thrown out within a year.
On 04/14/08 at 7:39 pm
Kevin said:
I have a never used nordic track that I bought for $15
On 04/14/08 at 2:56 pm
Tori said:
I have a blender I have used ONCE i think … I have a coat rack you can have
its never been used but was hung in a hallway for about 15 years …..
On 04/14/08 at 7:39 pm
Kevin said:
SOLD
On 04/14/08 at 3:35 pm
handsoffthecolaproduct said:
I find myself needing more orange aprons.
On 04/14/08 at 7:39 pm
Kevin said:
I prefer the term smock
On 04/14/08 at 6:49 pm
Trista said:
I have a bread maker. Never used. Now why couldn’t I have lost that in the divorce instead of all the porn?
On 04/14/08 at 7:40 pm
Kevin said:
I am saving my smart ass remark
On 04/14/08 at 7:14 pm
Tiggy said:
That sex swing looks a little, how would you say, fragile? That thing comes crashing down and you’d have a lot of explaining to do at your local ER.
On 04/14/08 at 7:40 pm
Kevin said:
Like that time the one bottle ended up… um nevermind
On 04/15/08 at 11:46 am
tiffany p. said:
we registered for a bunch of shit when we got married that we have not used.
like the fajita pan w/ pot holder-handle cover.
it’s too effing TINY.!
but still, we had visions of bringing sizzling fajita fixin’s to the table like @ Iguana Mia restaurant.
not one sizzle, Mike.
On 04/15/08 at 11:46 am
tiffany p. said:
who the hell is mike?
clearly i meant kevin.
i’m not cheating.
i swear.
On 04/15/08 at 12:58 pm
Mickie said:
Hi!
I hate making coffee because then you have to buy all the ingredients, clean the coffee maker, the cup you drink it in, the spoon you stirred it with etc. Living in NYC, I have a deli on every corner. There’s one in my building, so for a buck I get someone else to make the coffee, give it to me in a paper cup that I throw out (recycle of course).
Problem is, everyone thinks I need a damn coffee maker so they keep buying me one. I now have 3 of them, still in the boxes.
On 04/19/08 at 10:43 am
Cricket said:
My #1 way to “save money” is to NOT go to those stores. You can buy a silver serving tray at any thrift shop for $5.00. I’m a sucker for picture frames. I don’t know I’m just drawn to them. Today I’m going thrifting. Kohl’s is having a HUGE sale and I can get a fancy new one there for cheap but I’m too cheap / frugal - I’m going to check the thrifts. If I go to Kohl’s I’ll spend my whole wad on shiny new stuff. Boring!
On 04/26/08 at 3:04 pm
Troll said:
Right… $5 for REAL silver.
On 04/19/08 at 9:50 pm
Kat said:
Yea, I just went to linens N things and got sucked into the magic that is dryer balls. They’re supposed to replace dryer sheets and I’ve always wondered if they really help as much as they claim. 9.99 later and I guess I’ll find out