The Practical Joke That Never Was
So last weekend the gf and I went to the Sabres vs Bruins game here in Boston. After the game we met one of her friends out for a few drinks and we all had a good time, even if they did have a female lead singer cover band. (I have no idea what I mean by that.) While we were at the bar her friend was talking to some other people about pointlessbanter.net (the site you are on right now for the directionally stupid). Apparently my blog has been passed around amongst her friends, their boyfriends, and her sisters. The good news is for the most part they have enjoyed it. Except for one of her friends going off in my comments one day and the typical reaction of, “what the hell do you see in him”.
Of course she gets the occasional e-mail from friends mentioning things like, “he wrote that he lies, threatens anal sex, and alienates his girlfriends from their friends, what the hell is that about?” I guess it is to be expected.
So I guess I should say hi to everyone stalking me through her social networking pages… hi.
Anyways while we were drinking, we hatched a plan (by we I mean myself and her going “no, that is a dumb idea”)where I was going to write a fake post about a horribly massive fight that we had that was super offensive. The thing is her friends/relatives/stalkers kind of look at this site as like a diary, which for all of you long time readers know it is not. So they would probably consider it news and act accordingly like leaving nasty comments, sending her messages of support, and hating me forever.
Now while at the core of this there is a lot of humor it is essentially a dumb idea because of all the drama that would surround this. Leading me to believe that I should never be composing a complex practical joke while making faces like this.
Yeah I was hammered. I rebounded with this drunken debonair shot:
Yes my head is the size of another planet, not metaphorically but physically.
This got me thinking about other ideas I have drawn out while drunk. Here are a few winners:
-If the bars in Rochester close at two and the bars in Buffalo are open until four we should drive from the bars in Rochester to Buffalo and get an extra hour of drinking in.
-Wouldn’t it be funny if I walked into my old apartment and used their bathroom at 2:30 in the morning?
-What making a slip and slide on a bar room floor isn’t hygienic or safe?
-Let’s play John Madden Football for money, I will bet everything in my pocket against everything in your pocket. Sure I might have a real job and today was payday and you are a broke college student but this is a sound bet.
-I wanted to cook a Turkey at 3 in the morning.
What are some of the worst plans you have drawn up while drinking?
Also since family members of the gf and friends are reading this if you guys want to put in a good word for me in the comments, you know… Help me when their hearts and minds… Or some bullshit.
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On 04/11/08 at 9:54 am
Mara said:
Having sex on a pool table at a bar sounds like a great idea when you are drunk… not so good in practice though.
On 04/11/08 at 6:54 pm
Kevin said:
Were people watching?
On 04/11/08 at 10:01 am
Isha said:
HAHA I love when people take things seriously…..::in the best Bostonian accent she can make:: wicked retaaaaaaarded
On 04/11/08 at 1:57 pm
Marcie said:
you mean.. wickeT reeeetaaaaDED no R’s allowed in Boston or suwwounding a-wea
On 04/11/08 at 6:55 pm
Kevin said:
I am so going to learn that accent.
On 04/11/08 at 10:21 am
Fiona said:
Heh, there are people out there who take you seriously? That’s too much man, pull the other leg.
As for dumb ideas while drunk…
It is not a good idea to sit in open car windows of moving vehicles while passing a joint, and a drink over the roof. At all. The police think it’s bad.
The police also don’t like being mooned, even if it is by accident.
However, pretending you are a foreigner to get out of trouble by repeating the only swedish phrase you know is a winner!
On 04/11/08 at 6:57 pm
Kevin said:
I know… Who the hell could take me seriously?
On 04/11/08 at 10:36 am
Shieldmaiden96 said:
We heckled a patrol of machine-gun toting British soldiers while leaving a bar three hours after mandatory closure time/curfew in Belfast back when things were tres shitty there. We called them hilarious (though in restrospect, imprudent) names.
On 04/11/08 at 6:58 pm
Kevin said:
did they shove a gun up your ass?
On 04/11/08 at 10:52 am
Trice said:
I thought it was a good idea to take off my shirt in the middle of a cotton field at night then go back and talk with a stranger’s cat. Toppless. In thier living room. Oddly, the police were not called.
On 04/11/08 at 2:21 pm
Atenea aka soil monkey said:
This has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard
On 04/11/08 at 6:59 pm
Kevin said:
I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that.
On 04/11/08 at 10:53 am
Trice said:
And…. Kevin is the nicest guy you would ever want to meet on the internet!
On 04/11/08 at 7:01 pm
Kevin said:
That should go on my resume
On 04/11/08 at 10:53 am
RickHattonGirl said:
GF? GF?!
WTF! I thought we had something.
On 04/11/08 at 7:03 pm
Kevin said:
No comment.
On 04/11/08 at 12:34 pm
randi said:
I can vouch for Kevin that he is a super wonderful person in “real life.” And I met him on MySpace so that says MUCH.
Congrats on the GF, you big headed bastard.
On 04/11/08 at 7:03 pm
Kevin said:
My movie going buddy chimes in…
On 04/11/08 at 12:38 pm
oh my said:
oh it’s Kevin, one of the coolest guys on the planet, who makes me laugh on a regular basis (or at least chuckle). Don’t ever stop blogging.
Good enough?
On 04/11/08 at 7:05 pm
Kevin said:
The check is in the mail
On 04/11/08 at 12:39 pm
kate said:
playing hide and go seek in walmart at 3am in the morning and making the loser streak across the parking lot with 4 cop cars in it talking among each other, isnt all its cracked up to be.
On 04/11/08 at 7:06 pm
Kevin said:
really is anyone a loser at that point?
On 04/11/08 at 12:46 pm
Patty said:
Kev,
Obviously, the GF gets your great sense of humor. You should be grateful you got the best of the bunch and not one of the lame friends.
P.S. You forgot that every bar also has a Fritzy and Scotty that bartend.
On 04/11/08 at 7:07 pm
Kevin said:
How could I mess that up?
On 04/11/08 at 12:57 pm
Meghan said:
Like HER friends don’t enjoy a little anal after a good hooker slaying …pfft.
On 04/11/08 at 7:07 pm
Kevin said:
It is the American dream
On 04/11/08 at 1:10 pm
Cassi said:
Singing “Fuck the Police” at the top of your lungs while driving by a police car - sounds fun while drunk, but not a good idea.
On 04/11/08 at 7:08 pm
Kevin said:
The rage against the machine version or the NWA one?
On 04/11/08 at 1:25 pm
Meghan said:
Finishing my beer bong guzzle while holding a jay at giving the campus police a one finger ‘can you please give me a second??’ isn’t as polite as it sounds.
On 04/11/08 at 7:11 pm
Kevin said:
That was so kind of you
On 04/11/08 at 5:54 pm
natalie said:
i find it amusing when “friends” try to get involved in your relationship. seems like maybe misery loves company. don’t let that skank get to you!:)
On 04/11/08 at 7:12 pm
Kevin said:
Nah, they are all fine.
On 04/11/08 at 11:33 pm
Karl Rove said:
This wasn’t a drunk moment, but I did cook chicken cordon bleu at 3:00AM once because I just really had the urge to. It was delicious.
On 04/12/08 at 9:20 am
Chris said:
The worst plan I ever drawn up while drinking was one night, approaching the hottest girl in a night club and the only words that came out of my mouth was drunkanese; extreme jibberish (when drunk, most people sound good to their own ears but you know when you’re really drunk when you even sound utterly f*cked up) so to cover up my dumbassness I talked some more (drunkanese continued to flow) - somewhere during the course of that last babble to the beautiful, busty brunette I remember some of the taxi ride home with a wrapped up 12″ meatball sandwich from Subway - I don’t even remember walking away from her or if she said anything let alone leaving the bar and visiting the sub shop to order/buy it; I highly doubt I scored it at the bar … or even worst; so drunk I was coming on to a sandwich
On 04/12/08 at 10:40 am
Ami said:
Awww…..there’s someone that doesn’t like your blogs? That is pretty sad to hear. How could they not like your witty jokes and stories? They bring me great joy and pleasure whenever I read them.
But anyway, best idea made while drunk was deciding to drive 15 minutes with friends to the Super Walmart for absolutely no reason at all. We ended up going there and just going into the bathrooms. Then the ride back was horrible and I ended up throwing up in my roommates car…haha.
On 04/13/08 at 1:49 am
Diamond Digger said:
Kevin, I can’t imagine why anyone would not love you. I love reading your blog. You are incredibly inspirational. I mean, really, you inspired me not to ever eat at KFC again.
As for the worst drunk decision…there’s too many to count right now. Everything seems doable when you’re drunk.