The Ultimate Secret to Any Successful Relationship

When I was at the supermarket the other day I was browsing through the magazine section to purchase a few periodicals to entertain me while I am on the shitter and came across a few different women’s magazines. Not wanting to be looked at awkwardly by my fellow shoppers I grabbed a copy of Men’s Health and used it as a cover when looking at a few of these chick magazines. (I figured nobody would think I am gay if I was reading a copy of Men’s Health.)

All of these magazines had an article about how to have a happy and healthy relationship. Of course most of the reasons were pretty superficial or involved “communication”, whatever the hell that is. I was kind of disappointed that none of these used the three things I use to keep my relationships successful, here is my list:

Lying as much as possible- Honesty is never the best policy, I use to think brutal honesty was the best way to go.  Now I just totally lie through my teeth. Screw it; tell them what they want to hear. It just keeps everyone happy.  Also why give up any information that would make you look bad? I mean I used to tell all the girls I dated about my inclusion on the national sex offender registry but why bother? There are plenty of other Kevin’s in the world with my complete name and that could possibly live in the greater Boston area that are my age. Actually that isn’t true I am not a sex offender, I actually have a bad case of irritable bowel syndrome, I figured the sex offender thing softens the blow.

“De-Nile” ain’t just a river in Egypt it is also a great policy regarding my past.

(Wow that Stuart Smalley joke doesn’t work well in print at all.)

Use the threat of anal sex to get anything accomplished- Nothing works better than “well I mean it might slip into the wrong hole accidently tonight” as a threat. Of course you have to do it a couple of times by mistake to have a fear associated with the threat. Think of it this way when you were little and a parent would give you the threat of giving you a smack; you need to be smacked first in order to understand the threat. Now remember these tips work both ways so ladies you may need to invest in a strap on.

I can’t say that I am the originator of this technique; it has been going on since the 50s.

Completely isolate your companion from their friends- The only way you can brainwash… err… build a successful relationship is to alienate your significant other from all of their friends. You start slowly by having their friends not like you or pointing out that a certain friend is really a bad influence, possibly a crack whore. If that doesn’t work you shamelessly flirt with one of their friends and your significant other will never want you to be around them because of jealousy, eventually they will stop talking.

This isolation move is one that my friend’s fiancé made and I have to say it is brilliant. This move makes it so your date’s friends can’t point out how crappy of a mate you are. They aren’t going to be around to point out how crappy the lying and the anal sex threats truly are, making the plan complete and thus the relationship successful.

You should all go home and implement this strategy today; your happiness all depends on it.

Do you have any relationship tips you want to share?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com