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Snap Judgement on American Idol From Someone With Taste

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/3/08 @ 7:22 am

Yup, I caved. Before this year I have never watched more than ten minutes of American Idol. To me Idol is everything wrong with music; they hold this “competition” which is really a popularity contest. Then after the show is over they have these pre-packaged pop stars that can be sent out into the world feeding people with poor musical taste and forcing me to know who people like Clay Aiken are.

Plus anything that gives Paula Abdul continued employment is probably not a good thing.

So this year because of the writers strike there has been nothing worth watching on TV and I gave in and watched one night because I couldn’t handle reading for grad school. Everything I assumed and feared about the show is correct but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t give me enough to make fun. So here it is my entire snap judgment of the contestants of American Idol Season 7.

ramiele malubay

Ramiele Malubay was eliminated last night, so I will start with her. Hmmm… tiny little Asian girl that wasn’t really good, I have a feeling I’ll be bumping into her at a massage parlor in the near future. Or will I?

tila tequila
God no.

Kristy Lee Cook

kristy lee cook

I have watched probably three episodes this season and when she comes on to sing I am like, “She is still on the show?” She is like the forgotten contestant, I would compare her to random guy on an away party on Star Trek. Spock, Bones, Kirk and Ensign Smith are beaming down to the planet, I wonder who isn’t going to live? She is like Ensign Smith but with an annoying choice of songs.

Brooke White

brooke white

She is like the ultra-positive Christian girl from school that doesn’t let anything negative impact her. It is so annoying that you try doubly hard to offend her, “Hey look what I drew in art class, buzzards picking at the flesh of Jesus on the cross while Roman guards urinate on him.” (Girl returns blank expression and feigns a smile.)

Brooke won’t let anything negative the judges say impact her, she just keeps smiling and being super bubbly much to the chagrin of the gay British judge that actually isn’t gay. I think I will continue watching just to see if Simon gives a critique (wipes mouth first),” Brooke I just went down on your mother after shooting your father in the face, your song choice was horrible.” That has to happen… It just has to, I wonder if her head would explode while trying to smile.

David Cook

david cook

He plays a guitar so he has some street cred but he also has a receding hairline that he is trying to cover up with wacky messed up hair. I can’t root for a guy with receding hair, at least have some dignity, get a wig and hold it up with snazzy bandannas, right Brett?

brett michaels

Jason Castro

jason castro

There is a simple rule of thumb that I live by, if you have dreads you either need to be selling major poundage of weed or playing cornerback in the NFL. (Which means you are smoking major poundage of weed). If you aren’t either I totally discount you as a human being.

Carly Smithson

carly smithson

Hmm, a failed Irish recording artist with bad ink and battling weight fluctuations, why is she on the show again? Isn’t there something wrong about someone that actually had a recording contract getting a shot at another one on a show that is supposedly set up for amateurs? I guess they keep her around so they can show pictures of her husband whose entire face is tattooed, yeah he won’t be regretting that when he turns fifty at all.

David Archuleta

david archuleta

He is like 12 or 16 or something like that, the kid can do no wrong and Paula says the most random things when judging him like he is a manifestation of all her hallucinations. There is a lot of interesting rumors about him, I guess he was on Star Search a few years back and his dad was banned from the lot one day because he is like the ultimate stage dad. David reminds me of a kid that I played baseball with when I lived in California. He was pretty quiet and unassuming; he was a pitcher on our baseball team and had a personal pitching coach that worked with him because his parents thought he was “talented”. His dad called the pitches from the stands overriding the signs that our coach was sending in which led to a major blow up putting the kid in the middle. Basically what I am saying is one David turns 18 he starts nailing a 35 year old stripper and gets into meth because he hates his father.

I wonder if the girls have taken turns deflowering him like in Almost Famous?

Michael Johns

michael johns

He is like Australian or something but says he is from Georgia. I personally think he might be the odds on favorite to win but I have a feeling that twenty years from now we are going to read a newspaper report of him dying from an auto erotic asphyxiation experiment gone horribly wrong. I just get that vibe.

Syesha Mercado

syesha mercado

This is probably my least favorite person on the show. There is something about her that just screams fake to me. She just seems like the typical attention whore that acts one way in front of people and then stabs them in the back when they turn around. Sure I don’t have any proof or evidence but I just get that feeling, something will pan out to show that I am a right. I would be money that she screws someone famous after the show, she just smells like someone that would sleep her way to the top.

Wow that was a super long blog… I think this is more than enough evidence that I should never watch the show again.

What are your thoughts on American Idol?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

All images courtesy of FOX except the Brett Michaels one who I won’t attribute because nobody cares about Brett Michaels.

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

24 Responses to “Snap Judgement on American Idol From Someone With Taste”

  1. matty says:

    It’s been a long time since I’ve fisted you, Kevin. How does it feel? “Craigslist hooker” good or what?

  2. Meghan says:

    Never seen it once. BUT, when I got to ‘Michael Johns’ pic I thought – this kid looks way too basic to NOT have something fundamentally wrong with him. You’re going with auto erotic asphyxiation, I say he lives and just gets caught with a Tranny Dominatrix in a few years.

  3. Angie says:

    Never watched it, and now that I’ve read your post, I can resolutely say I NEVER WILL. LOL

  4. pennylane says:

    Bret spells his name with one t. When he went down to bail his drummer out of jail for sexual assault, that is how he signed the bond anyway.

    Um, AI sucks. We all know this. I watched them butcher Dolly Parton songs this week. WHO chooses these artists and why do they hate them so much?

  5. Vince says:

    I think I might be the only person in the US that hasn’t watched a single episode of this abomination of a television program.

    Like I need a washed up pop star, overweight chump I’d never heard of until this show, and a guy with a british accent that wears tshirts two sizes too small telling me what kind of music I need to be listening to.

  6. Trice says:

    I watched the show to see what all the hoopla was about..That was a part of my life I will never get back.
    I would wish for the show to go away but I am afraid of what the network would come up with next.

  7. Karl Rove says:

    My thoughts on American Idol are that it should die a horrible, fiery death, preferably this season.

  8. em em says:

    Dreadlock guy is high on the show half the time I think, so if he’s not selling major weed poundage he’s still smoking it. And David Archuletta looks like what I imagine Ben Stiller looked like as an effeminate 13 year old.

  9. scott says:

    I guess everybody would expect me to go along with the popular feelings toward AI, but in reality the show AMAZES ME! It’s helping figure out how to create a crappy TV show and become a millionaire!!

    P.S. There are just so many stupid shows on TV that some jerks are just raking in the profits on, any suggestions on a new show?

  10. Nicole says:

    I think you are right about Syesha. She comes off as very two-faced and fake. Like she is acting all the time. I don’t think we have seen her “real” personality yet. Maybe when she gets kicked off.

  11. Samantha says:

    Mmm…Jason Castro.

  12. SciFiDrive says:

    reminds me of “Explorers” (George Lucas film)
    the Aliens love watching Earth’s TV shows so much that it makes you feel like the “Gong Show” of the universe.

  13. Darcie says:

    I don’t know why you’re always hating on Bret Micheals.

  14. Marcie says:

    I have never watched a full episode in my life. I do singing and songwriting and am getting somewhere faster and without so much public humiliation…

    I have watched several of the reject try-outs but thats because they make me giggle…other then that…forget the show…

  15. Mandygirl says:

    *blank stare*

    slow day? : p

  16. VE says:

    I feel like you just got taken over by the body snatchers and I’m left as one of the few that still haven’t and now I must hide from you…

  17. Korenski says:

    I could care less about idol…i’m typically watching shows that cater to my intellectual side, you know like anything on bravo.

    However, I need not know who David Cook is to freakin LOVE your commentary about him.

  18. Vadella says:

    Thank you muchly… This is why I despise the show.

  19. MyStarbucks says:

    I am so cracked up right now I can hardly write what I think of American Idol this year.
    I was very much into the first year then skipped it until this year. This year is proving to be very fun not only because I love your outline of the final 9 contestants but because there really is some talent among them. I am just very thankful that I am not the only one that thinks Brooke is totally ridiculous with her Goody Goody attitude. I also feel the same way about Kristy Lee Cook, very confused about why she is still in the running. One thing I will say, I don’t care how much hair David Cook is losing or how strange it is that Michael says he’s from Georgia and talks with an Australian accent, they are my favorites and I will totally buy their albums whether they win or lose!

  20. Darcie says:

    So I don’t like that you’re always hating on Brett Michaels, however, I just caught my first episode of Rock of Love…I was always aware that he wore a wig, I never realised how HORRIBLE it is…you’d think after all the money he made in the 80’s he’d be able to afford a good one.

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