Yup, I caved. Before this year I have never watched more than ten minutes of American Idol. To me Idol is everything wrong with music; they hold this “competition” which is really a popularity contest. Then after the show is over they have these pre-packaged pop stars that can be sent out into the world feeding people with poor musical taste and forcing me to know who people like Clay Aiken are.
Plus anything that gives Paula Abdul continued employment is probably not a good thing.
So this year because of the writers strike there has been nothing worth watching on TV and I gave in and watched one night because I couldn’t handle reading for grad school. Everything I assumed and feared about the show is correct but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t give me enough to make fun. So here it is my entire snap judgment of the contestants of American Idol Season 7.
Ramiele Malubay was eliminated last night, so I will start with her. Hmmm… tiny little Asian girl that wasn’t really good, I have a feeling I’ll be bumping into her at a massage parlor in the near future. Or will I?
Kristy Lee Cook
I have watched probably three episodes this season and when she comes on to sing I am like, “She is still on the show?” She is like the forgotten contestant, I would compare her to random guy on an away party on Star Trek. Spock, Bones, Kirk and Ensign Smith are beaming down to the planet, I wonder who isn’t going to live? She is like Ensign Smith but with an annoying choice of songs.
She is like the ultra-positive Christian girl from school that doesn’t let anything negative impact her. It is so annoying that you try doubly hard to offend her, “Hey look what I drew in art class, buzzards picking at the flesh of Jesus on the cross while Roman guards urinate on him.” (Girl returns blank expression and feigns a smile.)
Brooke won’t let anything negative the judges say impact her, she just keeps smiling and being super bubbly much to the chagrin of the gay British judge that actually isn’t gay. I think I will continue watching just to see if Simon gives a critique (wipes mouth first),” Brooke I just went down on your mother after shooting your father in the face, your song choice was horrible.” That has to happen… It just has to, I wonder if her head would explode while trying to smile.
He plays a guitar so he has some street cred but he also has a receding hairline that he is trying to cover up with wacky messed up hair. I can’t root for a guy with receding hair, at least have some dignity, get a wig and hold it up with snazzy bandannas, right Brett?
There is a simple rule of thumb that I live by, if you have dreads you either need to be selling major poundage of weed or playing cornerback in the NFL. (Which means you are smoking major poundage of weed). If you aren’t either I totally discount you as a human being.
Hmm, a failed Irish recording artist with bad ink and battling weight fluctuations, why is she on the show again? Isn’t there something wrong about someone that actually had a recording contract getting a shot at another one on a show that is supposedly set up for amateurs? I guess they keep her around so they can show pictures of her husband whose entire face is tattooed, yeah he won’t be regretting that when he turns fifty at all.
He is like 12 or 16 or something like that, the kid can do no wrong and Paula says the most random things when judging him like he is a manifestation of all her hallucinations. There is a lot of interesting rumors about him, I guess he was on Star Search a few years back and his dad was banned from the lot one day because he is like the ultimate stage dad. David reminds me of a kid that I played baseball with when I lived in California. He was pretty quiet and unassuming; he was a pitcher on our baseball team and had a personal pitching coach that worked with him because his parents thought he was “talented”. His dad called the pitches from the stands overriding the signs that our coach was sending in which led to a major blow up putting the kid in the middle. Basically what I am saying is one David turns 18 he starts nailing a 35 year old stripper and gets into meth because he hates his father.
I wonder if the girls have taken turns deflowering him like in Almost Famous?
He is like Australian or something but says he is from Georgia. I personally think he might be the odds on favorite to win but I have a feeling that twenty years from now we are going to read a newspaper report of him dying from an auto erotic asphyxiation experiment gone horribly wrong. I just get that vibe.
This is probably my least favorite person on the show. There is something about her that just screams fake to me. She just seems like the typical attention whore that acts one way in front of people and then stabs them in the back when they turn around. Sure I don’t have any proof or evidence but I just get that feeling, something will pan out to show that I am a right. I would be money that she screws someone famous after the show, she just smells like someone that would sleep her way to the top.
Wow that was a super long blog… I think this is more than enough evidence that I should never watch the show again.
What are your thoughts on American Idol?
This is going up at humor-blogs.com
All images courtesy of FOX except the Brett Michaels one who I won’t attribute because nobody cares about Brett Michaels.