(This was my lame ass April’s Fools Joke that you can originally read here.)
At least once a day I get asked the following questions:
-You want to pay me HOW MUCH to kick you in the nuts?
-Can you please post a blog on MySpace?
-You should know this, how much lube would you use when having sex with a chicken?
I thought I laid out my personal thoughts on blogging on MySpace pretty well, yet I continued to get the question. However this weekend I kind of had a change of heart. I was volunteering (like I usually do) at the “Children’s Hospital for Kids That Are Little and That Are Sick”, most of the kids there are dealing with life threatening diseases like Variola Major, Acute Coryza, Yersinia Pestis, and things of that nature. While at the hospital this little boy named Timmy reached out and grabbed my arm. Now usually I would smack his arm away and quickly go to wash my arm over and over because of my deep seeded fear of germs. (I’m not quite as bad as Howie Mandel but close.) However, this time it was different, Timmy looked into my eyes and said, “Help me, I’m dying.”
This was a sign that Timmy wanted me to return to MySpace because the good people on MySpace need to be helped, they need to be entertained, they need good blogs to read because let’s face it most of them on here are crap. So I have triumphantly returned! Make sure to tell all your friends, post bulletins, subscribe to my blog, tell others to subscribe, give blood, send naked pictures, and fellate your boyfriend while thinking of me. For guys, toss your wife or girlfriend down a flight of stairs and blame it on me, it is like a free one time pass for spousal abuse, you’ll thank me later.
(Note: I’m not 100% sure if this is what Timmy wanted because he died shortly after I unplugged his life support system so I could plug in my laptop and write this blog.)
How do I plan on giving back to all the MySpace readers out there and enriching their lives?
-Artistic donations to my fans- I plan on tracing various body parts and making art with them to send to the readers of my blog. For Thanksgiving I will trace my hand and make a turkey drawing with it, each one will be hand drawn, signed, and numbered to increase the value. For Christmas I will trace my penis to make a Yule log, for President’s Day I will trace my penis to make a cherry tree, for Valentine’s day I will trace my penis to make a penis, and for every other holiday except Thanksgiving I will figure out various ways to trace my junk to make it into art.
-Screw Sex Blog Thursday- I am going to go with “All Nude Saturday”! With my webcam I will stream live from casa de Kevin and provide you with a camera view of a typical Saturday for me, except I will be totally nude! Watch me do tons of schoolwork while my balls hang ever so precociously over the edge of my chair. See me slam back a cup of Mandarin Oranges and watch as the juice dribbles down my chest just glazing over my slightly erect nipples!
-More Anal Fisting Jokes- At least 25% more anal fisting jokes per blog!
-I will piss off at least one different blogger, minor celebrity, or co-worker you hate every week- Give me a list of names and I will do something to offend them. More death threats and hate mail = more readers, plus you get the personal satisfaction of watching them melt down.
-No lame April Fool’s Day jokes- I won’t fake delete my profile like 5,000 other people have done or pretend to quit MySpace or write a story that is false… Hmmm wait a second.
Question of the day: Is it really anal sex if you are drunk and really just sliding your penis in between her thighs?
Your mission: Tell a friend about my triumphant return to myspace today, post a bulletin, a link in a blog, or send out an e-mail.