Mar

If A Story Involves a Nipple the Person Needs to Be Hot

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/28/08 @ 6:40 am

This morning I was sent a story on MySpace about a woman that was forced to remove her nipple ring by the TSA at the airport. I read the story but there wasn’t a picture, so my mind was aflutter of a naughty twenty-year-old girl upset that she had to remove her nip rings. I was all ready to write about how this ladies nipple did not pose a national security threat and by god I was going to volunteer to inspect them. Of course I was going to ignore how over the top it was or the violation of privacy, we are talking about breasts here not humans rights.

I had jokes lined up about nipple rings and stories about girls that I have dated that have had them. I was even going to throw a Janet Jackson reference in there for good measure. This was going to be a rip-roaring blog with tons of nipple references and me salivating over them like a 13-year-old boy. Sounds like fun right?

Well I ended up going to CNN.com and read the story on there which had a picture of the lady and my world came crashing in on me, she wasn’t young and hot:

That totally took the wind out of my sails, I almost openly wept over this. It was so disappointing; I want my sexual harassment stories to involve women that will eventually pose in Playboy in order to keep the story in the national spotlight well longer than it needs to be.

I have several preconceived notions when I read titles of news stories and if they aren’t met it really upsets me. Anything involving an airline and inappropriate sexual behavior has to involved women under the age of 25 that are hot. If something involves a serial killer it must be about a guy in his late 30s or early 40s that is white and looks like a dude that works at Kinko’s that isn’t allowed to talk to customers.

Here are a couple other expectations I have:

-If the story involves a drug kingpin I expect the guy to look like the Fratelli brother they break out of jail in the beginning of Goonies. I don’t know why I just do.

-If someone finds something that looks gross in their food like a finger or large amounts of pubic hair I expect them to look like the maid from Will and Grace.

-Any other crime that is written about I automatically assume that it is a black person with a bandana on his head.

In my mind Tupac is responsible for every major crime over the last 20 years.

(I’m kidding, I blame ODB.)

Neither are really dead, just committing a massive crime wave.

So this blog was supposed to be about a hot girl with nipple rings and ended up with ODB between a woman’s thighs. I have no idea how we got there.

Shouldn’t a story about nipple rings involve someone hot?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

(Note: Hey loyal readers… do me a favor and sign up for a digg.com account today. That way if you like a story you can click the digg image at the start of it to vote for it. Help Pointless Banter get a little more attention… and you know how much I like it.)

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33 Comments »

On 03/28/08 at 6:57 am
Aiyisha or Isha said:

The TSA is ridiculous now…its a fuckin nipple ring for God sakes. Who’s gonna attack someone with a fuckin nipple ring. Thats why I decided not to get any piercings on my genitalia, too many problems going thru metal detectors which is apparently common practice in NYC(and annoying as hell) Plus I wouldnt get a nipple ring anyway, my boobs are too big for that….

And about Tupac and ODB, yeah I totally thought the same thing.

Reply to this comment

On 03/28/08 at 6:59 am
Kevin said:

My boobs are just right… and sign up for digg bitch. Don’t make me cut you.

On 03/28/08 at 7:16 am
Aiyisha or Isha said:

Already dun Kevin-san….and u’d lose in a knife fight with me buddy, I’m from the Bronx.

On 03/28/08 at 7:42 am
Kevin said:

Good point… and thanks

On 03/28/08 at 1:27 pm
Hess said:

I can make a detonator about the size of two nipple rings and a cell phone. If it’s big enough to set off the alarm, it HAS to be checked. TRUST me, those TSA agents got NO pleasure out of checking that woman… just ask Kevin! Right, Kev?

On 03/28/08 at 7:10 am
Dr.B said:

I can’t ” Fist” today and I guess I’m glad being that it caused such stress and upset for some of your readers yesterday, those “Poor Bastards and Bitches”. I saw that CNN report and could swear that woman was also someone that we all thought was dead, Sam Kinison,(sp).Oh!!

On 03/28/08 at 7:43 am
Kevin said:

They weren’t upset they just didn’t know… It is like two worlds colliding or something

On 03/28/08 at 7:12 am
bishop said:

u know u destroyed that story for me i had the same image in my mind of the 20s hot girl in my mind then i see this i guess some things are better left alone

I know it was a large disappointment

On 03/28/08 at 7:48 am
Matty said:

Can I go on assuming that every story about a fat kid being picked on at school is really Chunk from the Goonies?

Rocky Road???

On 03/28/08 at 8:15 am
Charlotte said:

Hot or not, seeing nipples and pliers together in any sentence is just ouchies! (OK, maybe not when I’m making one of my clients comply to my whims…)

Digg whoring and Janet Jackson reference equals… what have you done for me lately…ooouuu ooouuu ooooouuuuu yeah?

(It’s on my list for today, snookums.)

On 03/28/08 at 8:47 am
jamie said:

I signed up for digg but the comment didn’t show up here. I’m confused. did you get it within the website??

you kids and your internets and crazy piercings.

On 03/28/08 at 9:00 am
Kevin said:

The comment shows up on digg… Not here if you comment the digg link.. But that is cool you signed up I really appreciate it.

On 03/28/08 at 9:05 am
Melissa said:

I tried signing up for Digg twice, it hates me. But the piercing thing….you gotta be kidding! Just another reason not to get on a commercial airplane. But I have to say I’m a better preserved 37 than the lady in the article. The end piece did get me thinking, doesn’t she clean her piercings daily? You have to do that to keep the skin from growing attached. I was reminded about proper hygiene (in case my mommy was a dud at ‘bath daily!’) when I got my nipples and bully button pierced. Then she only traveled from Dallas to Lubbock and had to pay to have them reinserted due to “scar tissue”? Dude, I’d so be suing the parlor that did her piercings wrong if that was the case.

On 03/28/08 at 9:10 am
Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:

This is too funny. Nipple rings are bad for planes now. How about the lock blade knife I have flown all over the country with in the past 2 1/2 years. It was only just found in my briefcase in Columbia SC on March 4. And I have been put through secondary screening many times. (BTW if your ticket has “SSSS” on it - you get “special” treatment)

It had been “lost” since right after I bought it and I never could figure out where I put it. Now I know. Thankfully I was able to mail it to myself.

On 03/28/08 at 9:14 am
em em said:

After reading this half awake I have come to the conclusion that it’s about ODB sleeping with the maid from Will and Grace while she uses pliers to remove the nipple rings from Gloria Allred. Gross. I’d go back and re-read it to confirm or disprove that idea, but I’m grossed out now and I just wanna go back to sleep.

On 03/28/08 at 9:27 am
Trisha said:

Almost as unappealing as the lady in the pic is that troll Gloria Allred whoring in for her moment of media attention. I CANNOT STAND HER!!!!

On 03/28/08 at 9:29 am
David said:

Once at Dulles (number 2 on my list of shittiest airports in the country list)I had to go through secondary screening because the metal detector kept going off. Come to find out, it was my tie clip in one of my pockets. You know that pocket inside a pocket that is suppose to hold change. I respect the TSA but this douche bag somehow thought this was a national security crisis. Over a tie clip people. After 10 minutes of them ripping me a new one they let me go. (Note: Do not, I repeat “Do not” refer to a TSA person as a high price rent-a-cop!)

On 03/28/08 at 9:53 am
Kevin said:

They didn’t take too kindly to that remark?

On 03/28/08 at 9:47 am
sporkgasm said:

well, they at least shouldn’t show her picture if she’s ug so you can leave it up to the imagination. on the news program i watched the guy actually said, “it was fine ’til i saw she looked like rosie o’ donnell.” i almost died.

they said that on the news?

On 03/28/08 at 1:50 pm
sporkgasm said:

yeah, i watch good day sacramento. they get away with A LOT.

On 03/28/08 at 9:49 am
ReGina said:

I really don’t understand this, I fly weekly and have never been asked to remove my rings. I have been asked on 2 ooccasions if in fact they may have been nipple rings but have never had them inspected to see if in fact I may have been lying. On the other hand had I been asked I would have showed them off,instead of being embarrassed. I by no means am a hottie but I think I may be easy on the eyes. And the peircings are just cute.Thats why I had it done in the first place.

On 03/28/08 at 9:55 am
Kevin said:

I will be refreshing my inbox all day.

On 03/28/08 at 10:28 am
Meghan said:

Poor guy. Were you envisioning the young naughty co-ed leaning over and undoing the nipple ring with her tounge, head swaying side to side like Molly Ringwald and her lip gloss trick?

On 03/28/08 at 10:37 am
Mandygirl said:

What a mind fuck… nipple rings on her scare me. Thanks for adding that one hot chick picture so we werent TOO upset about it. ; )

On 03/28/08 at 10:50 am
Meghan said:

Im home sick, I’m not retarded and digg is confusing me.

On 03/28/08 at 11:41 am
Marty said:

Speaking of evoctive news story titles, last year our city’s newspaper’s website has a story listed as “Stab victim continued masturbating”. I swear I’m not making that up. Needless to say it was the site’s most viewed article for an entire week, after which the title was changed to “Stab victim continued sex act” and it plummeted all the way to number two.

On 03/28/08 at 11:44 am
Johnny V said:

Hilarious! And so true. It’s like the nude beach. Nobody you ever want to see naked gets that way. Also, the anal retentive asshole in me feels the need to point out that you need to fix “involves” in your headline.