What I want for my birthday- A complete list that will help the entire world
Yes tomorrow is my birthday; last year I released a book on my birthday… Instead of giving you the gift of typos and poor grammar this year I am going to focus on myself and give you a list of what I want for my birthday. However since I am so benevolent I want to compile a list that will truly help the world:
1) Courtney Love to spontaneously combust- I don’t know the physics behind it or how it is possible but someone out there smarter than I am will. Maybe you have to give her like thirty alka-seltzers or something. Perhaps mix pop rocks with Pepsi, I don’t know but I want this to happen. Additional points if she covers a camera crew from TMZ in blood and gives them HIV so I don’t have to watch their crappy guerilla interviews anymore.
2) To see Brooke Hogan’s nuts- I know she has junk. I don’t want to see her shriveled and tucked penis in a sexual way. It is more of a whole “prove Kevin is right” sort of thing. This should remove her from the airways and relegate her to doing cabaret shows with Liza Minnelli impersonators.
3) The complete elimination of syphilis- You’re welcome Baltimore.
(not funny)
4) The removal of all pirate, ninja, Chuck Norris, and Star Wars jokes from the internet- In one swoop I just took care of half of the crappy pages on stumbleupon and removed 90% of the dumbest jokes on the web. Find other comedic crutches to fall on losers, here are some of mine: anal fisting, plunger rape, single moms, Menudo, and Richard Simmons. (Okay that is the first time I mentioned Menudo in my blog, but I have been saving up a ton of Menduo jokes for a rainy day.)
5) Segways for everyone!!!- Sure it was hyped as the invention that was going to change the world but it miserably failed. Gob brought it back though and now I have seen the light. Really what says efficent like me going to the mailbox on a Segway? Plus I really want to try and drive one while totally hammered, I want to see how that ends up. “Guy that writes crappy humor blog killed in only fatal Segway accident ever.”
6) The elimination of all left handed people- This is a dream that I will never give up on.
Anything I forgot?
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On 03/21/08 at 6:38 am
Matty said:
Shit. I’m first? Anyway, can I add that along with the Chuck Norris, Star Wars, Ninja and Pirate stuff, we also get rid of those ridiculous cat pictures. You know the ones with the poor grammar saying, “I iz gunna piss on u carpet homo”??? Thanks.
On 03/21/08 at 8:04 am
Kevin said:
We can add lolz cats to the list.
On 03/21/08 at 6:53 am
Meghan said:
I’d like people over age 10 that can’t believe I haven’t read Harry Potter to kindly go away. And the guy driving the Segway in your pic - he looks creepy.
On 03/21/08 at 8:10 am
Kevin said:
Gob is not creepy
On 03/21/08 at 7:17 am
cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
I would like for everyone who has to wait seconds or more to start moving after the light has changed to green to just die and thier cars vanish. Even my 5 y/o knows green means go.
On 03/21/08 at 8:11 am
Kevin said:
bad commute today?
On 03/21/08 at 8:19 am
Wendy said:
Larry the Cable Guy and all his crappy movies.
On 03/21/08 at 9:59 am
Kevin said:
I ignore his existance
On 03/21/08 at 8:22 am
supernik said:
i second the notion presented by cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer and would like to add, people that go under the speedlimit when there is no option for others to pass - they could at least do speed limit!
On 03/21/08 at 10:00 am
Kevin said:
can we just settle on old people and Asians?
On 03/21/08 at 8:50 am
SweetNess! said:
Well, I hope you have a happy birthday, even if you don’t get any of the things you listed above.
On 03/21/08 at 10:00 am
Kevin said:
The hell I am not getting any of the things listed above… One of them has to come true
On 03/21/08 at 3:36 pm
Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
Since I dont have a segway, lefties abound and I just got a Chuck Norris LOLZ cat comment that means you have seen Brooke Hogans nuts. I am so sorry
On 03/21/08 at 8:52 am
em em said:
Yesss! I totally need a Segway for those times when I need to get up to 6 mph and walking fast just won’t cut it. The mall security gaurds here have them, I guess to chase down any slow moving shop lifters that can’t maneuver quickly through people and kiosks. Can you singlehandedly eliminate the use of “bling- bling”, “who’s your daddy”, and “fo’ shizzle” from the vocabulary of the general public while you’re at it?
On 03/21/08 at 10:01 am
Kevin said:
fo shizzle my nizzle
On 03/21/08 at 9:14 am
David said:
People (females) who insist on doing that puckered lips kiss face thing in every single picture. I don’t even know what to say to that, it’s just annoying. Who ever started that whole trend needs to be shot point blank with the largest handgun on the market.
On 03/21/08 at 10:02 am
Kevin said:
I would prefer that we can slap them across the face with the shoe.
On 03/21/08 at 9:35 am
Sara from Baltimore said:
Hey, Thanks!
On 03/21/08 at 10:02 am
Kevin said:
See I am always looking out for you guys.
On 03/21/08 at 10:24 am
kate said:
i miss gob and the rest of arrested development. *tear*
moving along…if i read one more chuck norris crappy ass joke, i’m ramming a midget…sorry…little person up someone’s ass.
On 03/21/08 at 10:58 am
Cyn said:
lol Happy Early Birthday.. Today’s my birthday
I’m finally 21 ;D
On 03/21/08 at 11:00 am
E said:
My list:
My ex-sister-in-law
People who don’t use their turn signals
LOL Cats
LOL anything
For Britney Spears to finally snap and go on a shooting spree, taking Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and every other 2-cent pop tart with her.
For American Idol to be cancelled
For Trent Reznor to stop sucking
On 03/21/08 at 11:20 am
damon said:
Get rid of any shmuck who says, “it is what it is”.
And ‘plunger rape’ all people who whip out a credit card in a convenient store to but a Twix bar and a Yoo-hoo.
On 03/21/08 at 11:35 am
Gina said:
I vote for Kevin getting birthday sex. Gotta have the birthday sex.
On 03/21/08 at 11:42 am
Erin Happycamper said:
Why lefties? Why can’t we get rid of the righties? Talk about population control! The environment would thank us.
And we need to do away with Hannah Montana, and Paris Hilton, and while we’re at it MTV. No more reality shows. Can we do away w/ the IRS too?
On 03/21/08 at 11:49 am
Rinni said:
I’d like the ritual sacrifice of people who don’t grasp the difference between a stop sign and a yield sign, for Maury to only tape “Who’s the daddy?” shows with women testing four or more guys and since we’re on the subject, the people who say, “I’m 150% (or 240% or my favorite 1,000%) positive I’m not her baby’s daddy.” need to have a cactus forcibly inserted in their anus.
On 03/21/08 at 11:57 am
Trista said:
How dare you try to wipe out my people?
I back you 100% on Courtney though.
Oh, and can we get people to stop wearing those fucking Crocs, already. Those aren’t shoes, they are an abomination.
On 03/21/08 at 12:08 pm
Jolly Green Girl said:
I agree. The crocs are fugly.. and cheap looking. I can’t believe anyone would buy them
On 03/21/08 at 12:08 pm
Jolly Green Girl said:
What do you have against left handed people. I am left handed.
On 03/21/08 at 1:21 pm
bunny said:
i’m pretty sure that courtney love would spontaniously combust if she was placed on a diet of nothing but lemon water, pitas and hummus and multivitamins and was forced to live in wisconsin. but that’s just my hypothesis.
On 03/21/08 at 1:55 pm
Marcie said:
happy birthday tomorrow….my 5 year old is left handed ill send her to you fed ex you can eleiminate her as you wish. j/k
On 03/21/08 at 3:16 pm
Amy said:
Happy Birthday!
On 03/21/08 at 5:53 pm
Brian Hawkins said:
Happy Birthday Kevin,
I’m left handed and even Digged it
Brian
On 03/21/08 at 6:22 pm
Muskego Jeff said:
That twat courtney love is still alive? I’d have put her in my dead-pool if I had known.
On 03/21/08 at 7:41 pm
kab625 said:
Happy Happy birthday! - but Kevin, I really am left handed too and I’m reporting you to Offended Blogger.
(Tip one for me)
On 03/22/08 at 10:56 am
Momo Fali said:
You are so sick and twisted. I think I love you.
On 03/22/08 at 10:56 am
Momo Fali said:
Oh, and HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!
On 03/22/08 at 12:15 pm
Jinksy said:
I think if you tried the old Bugs Bunny technique of replacing Courtney Love’s “personal massager” with a stick of dynamite, your first birthday wish may come true (except for the televised splatter unless she hooks up with Rick Solomon).
On 03/22/08 at 2:04 pm
Tigress said:
Happy Birthday! I was going to wish all your birthday wishes come true but I don’t know about that combustible one.
On 03/23/08 at 4:02 am
pigassus said:
happy birthday,old fart and keep us,the crowd,hungry!
On 03/24/08 at 4:46 pm
Fanton said:
I was with you all the way to point number six, being a filthy lefty myself.
Having said that, though, my brain is so spacked-up that I eat like a right-handed person, thus meaning I am less problematic than most lefties.
I also wank with my right hand, in case you were wondering.
On 07/3/08 at 5:05 pm
falloutboylover!!! said:
Well…. This is stupid!!
On 07/4/08 at 8:23 am
Kevin said:
Since you are a Fall Out Boy Fan I take it with a grain of salt