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Cosmopolitan Magazine is For Whores and Idiots

By: Bobby Finstock on 03/6/08 @ 6:32 am

On the front page of yahoo a few days ago was an article by Cosmopolitan Magazine on places for women to meet the right guy. They broke down a few locations as being “hot spots” to grab the man of your dreams. Of course their logic, like always, was totally flawed. I am going to review their locations and give you my opinion because if we have learned one thing over the course of the last four years is that I am always right.

Hot Spot: The Apple Store

Wow we are starting with an easy one. Unless they are into hot Asian girls that want to sell you a computer then there is no reason for them to go guy hunting there. Also when people are going to a store to make a major purchase or get something repaired is it really the best time for someone to swoop in and try to get a number?

Guy: I don’t know if I want the air book or mac book pro.
Girl: (randomly walks up) Whichever one you go with they have wireless so you can check your e-mail from my bed.

That doesn’t sound desperate at all.

Hot Spot: A Fortune 500 or tech company

Nothing says a smart move like getting a new job and fucking one of the guys you work with because well we all know that ends so well. What ever happened to the old rule that you never dip your pen in the company ink? Wait for a girl would that be you never drip your ink on the company pen or something like that? I am confusing myself I better move on.


(we met at a political rally, he had the cutest uniform)

Hot Spot: A political rally or campaign

“I’m looking for a boy to date… Maybe I will go to this cool save the earth rally, I mean I like the environment and stuff.”

Two months later.

Guy: What are you doing tonight?
Girl: Watching Ugly Betty and doing some laundry, you?
Guy: I’m going to go set a well to do neighborhood on fire in protest.

Well done lady, well done.

Hot Spot: A sports bar on Sunday or Monday night, the weight room of a gym, or a steakhouse

Granted these places will be full of guys but honestly Cosmo are you even trying anymore with a recommendation like that? That would be like me telling guys they can meet women at a hair salon or stripper aerobics. Come on Cosmo step it up, I expect better thought out research than that… wait what am I saying?

Hot Spot: A rock-climbing center

I don’t think I have ever met anyone that rock climbs, ever. Not at a job, not out in public, none of my friends do it… In fact because I don’t know anyone that does it I am going to assume that it doesn’t exist. Cosmo must have created rock climbing for this article just to write about something different.

Hot Spot: A grad-school coffee shop

This is what Cosmo has to say:

“The dearth of chicks, combined with the little free time these studious dudes have to play the field, means they’re thrilled when you seek them out.”

If you were reading that and actually thought it was a good idea do you look in the mirror and officially come to grips with the fact that you have hit rock bottom and are totally desperate? How demeaning is that?

Why don’t they say:
Since these guys are really busy and there are like no women in their program they will date just about anything with a vagina.

Once again Cosmo you have completely amazed me.

What is the worst advice you have seen in a magazine?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com.

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

70 Responses to “Cosmopolitan Magazine is For Whores and Idiots”

  1. Dobie says:

    Honestly I must say I totally agree. Girls, taking advice from Cosmo about guy’s is ridiculous. Same can be said for us guy’s though too. If you are such a schlub that you can’t figure out why all of your dates have gone to shit, STOP USING THE MAXIM ADVICE COLUMN (though the “New & Hot Stuff section ROCKS)! That or your general overall hygiene routine may be a bit lax… That basically covers my two rules about the dating world, make sure when you step out the door you don’t smell like a butt hole and that article you just finished reading in Cosmo/Maxim (same publishers) has been completely eradicated from your thoughts!

  2. Jodi says:

    I agree with ya! And I am a chick! THe worst advice I have ever read? In Family Circle- the short of it the “expert” gave the advice to a mother(About her Teen son hanging out with friends every weekend at his friends and he is in a band) that she should QUESTION him, and lay down RULES, and that is how DRUGS and DEVIANT behavior begin- not quoted but that is the gist of it. What the hell is that? As a mother of five three teens, who hang with friends,etc…the first place I wouldnt go is drugs and deviant behavior! Yes lets just accuse the TEENS, and push them away and alienate them more…stooooopid!
    Great post!

  3. Meghan says:

    Wow, COSMO never ceases to amaze me. As far as the Fucking your fellow employee at the Tech Job, I prefer the phrase, “Don’t get you meat where you get your bread.”

    • Kevin says:

      Oh… I like that

    • BK says:

      I only remember something like, “Don’t shit in your own backyard!” : )

    • Psychoentropy says:

      Or don’t mow the company grass?

      • Kevin says:

        Another good one.

      • psychoentropy says:

        The *real* psychoentropy says that the poseur has misspoken. I believe that what you were trying to say was ‘don’t dip your pen in the company ink’. The grass line is usually used in reference to mowing one’s friend’s grass or in other words, don’t screw your friend’s partner… It takes a real entropic psyche to feel the need to post a correction like this. ta! :P

  4. Steve says:

    Can you use all of those in reverse to pick up chicks?

    Like sit in an Apple store?

    Pretend you work for a Fortune 500 company?

    Stand on the outside of a polical rally (like Travis in Taxi Driver).

    Get drunk in a weight room while eating steak?

    Umm…Carry around a rope? – On second thought, that might not be a good idea.

    Coffee shop? That shit is just gay.

  5. Meghan says:

    And Glamour isn’t any better. “Six Signs He Loves You Madly – by Jake” One of which is that “he gives you the good pillow”.
    “Sorry I spend all my free time rock climbing and nailin’ the new girl at my Tech Job, baby – YOU take the good pillow tonight”. Yeah…

  6. Jinksy says:

    What happened to suggesting meeting a nice boy at church or the grocery store?

    “Maybe you might want to consider going to a strip club. Chances are if he’s checking out the merchandise, he’s not gay.”

  7. Meghan says:

    I volunteer all over – and there are Soooo many men (douche bags, but men none the less) that use this as a way to meet women. “Do I come here often, umm – this is the The Shelter for Homeless Veterans?? Not really, but can you get back to work and pass out more food – they’re about to nod out for the day”.

  8. Fiona says:

    I think I vaguely recall reading cosmo with a female friend and thinking “this is retarded”. The female friend thought it was her bible. We soon stoppped being friends.

  9. dan says:

    why does Cosmo even need to put out a list? Fact is that no matter how much of a pig a girl looks like there is always some horny guy willing to fuck her.
    Girls can pick up guys ANYWERE.

  10. Pj Suttle says:

    So Kevin…you’re on their subscription list huh and it’s one of your fave reads is it? Awesome! Well, Bless My Soul! I bet Helen Gurley Brown is rolling over in her grave at the thought of what you’re attempting to get across to your fellow blahgers about COSMO! That’s just SHAMEFUL! Don’t you KNOW that the “Cosmo” is the ‘chic’ bible fer dummies or a guys insiders view as to what fills our heads from shoes to mascara to the big “O” (and NO I’m talking about OPRAH!)

    Remember, Tomato – Tomatoe! Potato – Potatoe! La la la la la la la!

  11. Matty says:

    Holy crap. Spot on Kevin. That’s all I got, job well done.

  12. bisnotch says:

    HAA! Yes that article was pretty stupid. What ever happened to meeting the opposite sex naturally. When it happens it happens. You cant force or make it happen. You meet that person unexpectedly, a glance a look. Thats what makes the relationship even better, thinking about meeting that person for the first time. Im one to talk though im recently single and im desperate (been six months) but i know it will happen. I need to get off the internet and put down magazines and meet people.

  13. bex says:

    One time I was at a friends house and saw a Cosmo magazine on the coffee table. One of the cover page headlines was something like “Sex Tricks That Will Drive Him WILD!” My interest was piqued so I picked it up and read the article (I guess I AM a whore).

    Anyhoo, I stopped reading the article when I saw that they wanted me to get a really BIG rock and leave it in the summer sun. And then at some point during the “sex act” I was to take the rock and put it against my partners balls. I was like WTF?! I’m not the kind of girl who likes to get slapped during sex and I’m pretty sure that would have been my outcome. Or maybe I just don’t get “it” and guys really love having a hot rock shoved against their huevos whilst doing the hippity dippity???

  14. bex says:

    PS I just read your bio…I thought I was the only person left on the planet who knows all of the words to Humpty Dance “…and in a 69 my humpty nose will tickle your rear…my nose is BIG. Nuh-uh, I’m not ashamed. Big like a pickle, I’m still getting paid…” Oy. I’m a total dork. (Nice to meet you.)

  15. Jeremy says:

    I like when their big sex tips are so lame and should be common practice.

    “Start things in the bedroom, guys like initiative” Wrong, we’re just lazy, we like it when you come to us.

    “Use your hands to get him excited” Wrong, use anything but a hot rock , we don’t care.

    Why don’t they put in a real bit of advice like how to give a decent handjob.

    • bethany says:

      Because it’s mostly 15 year old girls reading the magazine, and they don’t like to “influence” minors..

      Don’t ask who reads Teen Cosmo.. I think it’s a bunch of 9 year olds..

      However, I say, start teaching these practices early.. But mostly, it’s a bunch of women sitting around simplifying the content past the point of idiocy.. Most of the times I’ve read Cosmo, especially lately, I think.. WTS? How could you be allowed to publish and accept money for this dribble?

  16. bethany says:

    Well, I really don’t like Cosmo, haven’t for years.. their advice is idiotic, at best..

    But they completely lost me when they included Tony Romo in this years Fun, Fearless, Male Awards.. WTS?

    Tony Romo?

    As for the advice? Anything ever written in Cosmo has been bad advice..

    Redbook, however? Awesome… It’s like the intelligent counterpart of Cosmo…

  17. Sophia Sturges says:

    You guys are all missing the point. Why would people keep buying Cosmo for relationship advice if what they told people worked? Eh? They give out shitty advice because then you’ll have shitty relationships, and then you’ll buy the next magazine to get more shitty advice and have more shitty relationships. It’s the circle of life kind of thing.

  18. [...] at Pointless Banter took the words right out of my mouth with today’s post "Cosmopolitan Magazine is For Whores and Idiots," in which he reviews Cosmo’s recent suggestions of places to meet guys. Here’s an [...]

  19. Katatonic says:

    Just stopping in to Digg ya!


  20. alicia says:

    You should get some kind of award for these public service type posts. Keep tearing ‘em down this is great stuff.

  21. Can you imagine this is almost on the front page of digg!

    Dugg and it was worth a chuckle!


  22. Heart Shaped says:

    Those articles in Cosmo are just fillers to make the magazine look like it’s trying to offer advice rather than fill your head with advertisements. All women’s magazines are like that.. except for maybe Oprah’s “O”.. but who the hell wants to read that besides my mom? The best place to meet guys is in college, IMO. Shit, I even dated one of my teachers in college. Dates consisted of cafeteria hamburgers and walking around campus.. it was pretty fun and no pressure! Even if you are out of school.. go back, take a few classes for the hell of it. If you don’t meet a guy there, you will probably at least make a few new friends.

  23. Static says:

    I always thought the grocery store was the place to meet somebody… right by the cantalopes. You’re right this article was horrendous!

  24. Nanner823 says:

    UGH I hate cosmo its about time someone spoke up about just how stupid it is. It seems that as a female I am not aloud to say its stupid without being shunned,,but I do it anyway same as how I complain about other girls watching soaps I mean seriously lets get the hell out of fantasy land already.

    • Adam says:

      Thank you! up until I read that i had yet to see a girl who didnt like that shit heap excuse for a magazine.

  25. “because I don’t know anyone that does it I am going to assume that it doesn’t exist” ahahahaha that’s so true lol. Why would ya climb a rock anyway.

    I remember reading Cosmo when I was younger … god that’s embarassing. Glad I’m only admitting that to you.

  26. [...] to Kevin from Pointless Banter, Cosmopolitan Magazine is for whores and idiots. It might surprise you guys, since I’m a Woman but errr, I agree.. LOL. I haven’t [...]

  27. Wendy says:

    I subscribe to Playboy. I refuse to look at a Cosmo cover let alone anything inside it.

  28. dave says:

    is there any truth to this ?


  29. Cosmo is a f*cking ridiculous magazine. If you take Cosmo at face value then the only thing young women are interested in is hooking a man, keeping a man, finding a way to give him better sex to achieve the last point, looking hot at the office and learning how to pole dance or some such. Basically, they’re saying women are wanna-be porn stars and sex workers because that’s all the bloody magazine is about.

    If the young women of today are really like that godhelp us.

    PS. I’m surprised they didn’t mention move into a share house with 5 guys and take your pick!

  30. jamiee says:

    Was that the same issue that had “Va-Jay-Jay” in big bold letters on the front? I didn’t even notice who was on the cover thanks to that. Agh. I hate that magazine.

  31. Cindy says:

    I hate that damn magazine. It’s full of “foot in your mouth” moments and the advice there is only applicable if you have low self-esteem. To top it off, the theme of the magazine basically says all women want is men. They should have called it, “How to Be A Whore” Magazine.

  32. J 4 JOKES says:

    Hot Spots… or humor!
    Good one!

  33. QueenVelveeta says:

    Only losers read Cosmo.

  34. Kitten says:

    They forgot Dungeons and Dragons games. You can find hordes of men there that are VERY happy to have a female around… thats where I met my hubby…

  35. Dylan says:

    I like to rock climb. Still thought this was pretty damn funny. Used to play D & D too, but traded it in for silly outdoor sports when I started shaving.

  36. Pam says:

    Just for the record, as an occasional Cosmo consumer, I can honestly say that I only buy the magazine to read the stupid stories, find out some interesting tips and tricks for the fashion side, and laugh at my “horoscope.” Yeah, the titles are catchy, but completely unrealistic. I was D&Der for a while, and I met my boyfriend when he walked through my dorm one day with a mutual friend. There’s no fool-proof place to meet a guy. I agree with bisnotch on that one. Good job on your very correct analysis of Cosmo, Kevin, and I’m loving the comments! I think what I love even more is that I see at least two advertisements for Cosmo magazine on the site, just hanging out, ignoring the fact that we’re mocking their parent company. Irony, anyone?

  37. Marcie says:

    read the advice collum in playboy. they never cease to amaze me.having an issue sent to the house every month has not only brought my boyfriend and i closer…i get great advice how not to be a bad swinger…and good cock sucking ettiquite. hehehe…


  38. XRumerTest says:

    Hello. And Bye.

  39. ricky says:

    beshrew all female blondes and fake ass blondes too. beshrew all playboy whores with hugh hefner.

  40. marten says:

    something to add, heidi klum f@”@ too many guys and married again? all female whore celeberity and trump usa pagents fall and die all!!!! beshrew all new born female blondies. that’s why we have too many sexual.. rape etc problems because these people and the ones who enjoys watching are the pervs!!!!! and beshrew all female stippers too!

  41. latina says:

    all tall asian whore models and all blonde female models should be bashed!!! and let’s not forget trump usa pagents and playboy whores should be bashed including female strippers in this country should struck and be bashed!!!!!

  42. latina says:

    all tall asian whore models and all blonde female models should be bashed!!! and let’s not forget trump usa pagents and playboy whores should be bashed including female strippers in this country should struck and be bashed!!!!!

  43. beinuounk says:

    dude you know what I’m talking about! soy desole

  44. Adam says:

    Ya FUCK cosmopolitan. it is a destructive influence that literally degrades your intelligence as you read it. I looked at the photos of the hot girls in the ads for a while. then I took one look at the articles and they were total shit. cosmo is a magazine that believes that women can judge a man by what his favorite color is, and whether they should go out with him or not based on how tidy his Email inbox is. seriously, that was an actual article, and even if i was a girl i doubt that i would understand the logic in that. my question is how such bland, badly written, and tastless crap gets to be read by such a wide audience, because it sounds like it was written by retarded sorority girls. i could literally write better articles with my pen lodged between my ass cheeks. you wanna know why Europeans think that we’re stupid? because of magazines like cosmo, and the garbage that they spew into the minds of people who are otherwise intelligent. It’s lucky we’ve got the new yorker, which is written by some of the best writers in the world (including my uncle). I’m going to go read that instead. Fuck you, cosmo.

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