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Celebrity Sperm is More Potent and Magical

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/27/08 @ 7:02 am

Recently there was an article, wait can I even call it an article? Let me start over… Recently there was a crappy time wasting post on yahoo about the spike in celebrities having twins. Of course this spiked the little scientist in me and I wanted to find out if celebrity sperm was more potent.

My Theory: Because of the lights they are under for movies, combined with the lights from the paparazzi, and their unholy deal with the devil male celebrity sperm has mutated and female celebrity eggs have as well.

How I tested this theory: Well besides reading the hard hitting yahoo OMG story about celebrities having twins I dispersed my crack team of scientists around the globe to test this theory. Here are some of their field reports:

Report 1- From “Gay” Steve- “I was sent to Los Angeles to work the glory hole circuit and wait for a celebrity, we pretty much knew that George Michael would be around eventually. You see my entire life I have had really bad acne and my goal was to take a shot in the face to see what happens. Sure enough good old George came by and to be honest I didn’t have to wait that long, I was at the glory hole for about half an hour. Anyways, bam… my face got covered and look, not a pimple to be seen, it was truly magical!”

Report 2- From Sneaky Sharri- “I recently went to a super secret clinic where celebrities have their eggs and sperm stored just incase the human race is almost wiped out and we need to breed a whole group of beautiful people. It is kind of like the seed place in Norway except it is for sperm and it resides in the mountain where the Hollywood sign is. Anyways, I stole a ton of eggs and mashed them together. They are so strong Gay Steve could wear them as a t-shirt. Sure some people might say that looks like chainmail, but no it is celebrity eggs!”

chainmail shirt

Report 3- From Josiah- “I was with sneaky Sharri at the clinic and stole some of Snoop Dogg’s sperm, no normally when you have that many chemicals in you your sperm doesn’t move normally. Snoop though has had multiple kids and we couldn’t figure out why, when we looked at Snoop’s sperm in a microscope it was mutated and super swimmy.”

See I have the best scientific team ever, super swimmy is exactly how I would describe sperm under a microscope. So there you have it, irrefutable proof that celebrity sperm is much more powerful and magical than the rest of the human race.

So to sum everything up, celebrities have magical and potent sperm and eggs that is why they have so many sets of twins. The NFL quarterbacks of the 80s and 90s all had kids with disabilities because they took steroids. Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.

Why are celebrities having so many twins?

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

13 Responses to “Celebrity Sperm is More Potent and Magical”

  1. Meghan says:

    Answer 1:Celebrities are demanding, when they want a baby they want it now! Forced conception with fertility drugs and this leads to the likelihood of twins.

    Answer 2:Nature is playing the odds that one of these celebrity embryos will turn into an unsupervised, drug addicted trainwreck. Nature like to cover it’s bases, just look at the platypus.

  2. bethany says:

    Kevin, sometimes I wonder if you used your brain for true scientific discovery, where would this world be?


  3. Fiona says:

    I would think that they have been so drugged out and dieted out that they are incapable of having their own children and the twins are results of sperm and/or egg donors or shit loads of fertility treatments.
    After all, why not bring more children into the world to fuck up completely… I mean, look at all those celebrity children, they’ve all turned out just great!

    Or they have scary super sperm and eggs because they are all just so fffaaaabbbbulously perfect and nature loves them as much as we do.

  4. kate says:

    can we say fertility drugs?

  5. Harry P says:

    My theory: they’re not twins. They’re a normal baby with its clone. It’s all part of scientology’s plan for global domination and migration to the moon.

  6. Jeremy says:

    They are breeding a super pretty race of kids that can all book tickets on southwest airlines and hijack the plane when they are discriminated against. I bet Harrison Ford is hiding on the plane and whups all their talentless hack asses.

  7. James says:

    was that a cheap shot at Jim Kelly????

  8. alicia says:

    omg! My aunts are twins so that means my grandparents must be celebrities. *snicker*

  9. hilary says:

    I think part of it is age-related. J-Lo is 39, Marcia Cross was – what – 42? Women in their 30s and 40s are more likely to have twins because their ovaries are more likely to crank out 2 eggs in a month, from what I’ve heard.

  10. Perdy says:

    Have you looked anything up on Barak Obama being the Antichrist? I’d like to see your science and investigating skills on that.

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