Doritos X-13D: Shit in a Bag

Doritos has a new promotion going.  Perhaps you’ve heard about it.  It’s a new kind of chip they’re calling the “X-13D.”

Doritos X-13D: Shit in a Bag

The big “schtick” is that the consumer is supposed to figure out what they taste like and then name them.  To give us a helpful hint, they mention that the flavor is an “All-American Classic.”  I had the misfortune to sample a couple of the chips, and they pretty much taste like a chemically, preservativey version of either a cheeseburger or a hotdog with mustard, ketchup, and pickles on it.

A couple of questions:

1. Why the FUCK would I want a bag of chips that tastes like a cheeseburger?  They sure as hell won’t work as a side dish for my actual cheeseburger.  Perhaps I should figure out how to grill a cheeseburger that tastes like Nacho Cheese Doritos?

2. Am I the only one that finds the fact that food companies are manipulating chemicals more and more to make food taste “like” something really creepy?  I mean yeah, sure, I know regular Doritos are chemically flavored as well, but at least it’s just to make them taste like something simple, like spicy cheese (mmmmm, spicy cheese).  By creating a chip that tastes like a fucking cheeseburger, you are basically reminding me with every bite that I am committing what amounts to a slow, chemically enhanced suicide.  Thanks Doritos!

But hey, I’m a dutiful consumer.  I tried your chips, and I’m ready to play along and give you a few ideas for a product name.  Here we go:

1. Sharts

2. Chock Full o Chemicals That Will Someday Give You Ball Cancer

3. Oh My God, Why Do These Chips Smell Like Farts?

4. Artificial Beef Flavor, Beef Tallow and  Artificial Wheat Flavor! (actual ingredients)

*URP*  Mmmmmmm, beef tallow.