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Who would you do: Vicki Iseman vs. Lindsay Lohan vs. A Young Willie Aames

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/22/08 @ 7:36 am

I have “Groovy Kind of Love” by Phil Collins stuck in my head right now and I want to jump out the window to make it end. Instead I decided to write a blog answering the biggest question I have been asked all week, “What do you think about the Lohan pictures?”

There is no secret that I have had an obsession with that girl’s rack for a long time. It started way after he appearance in the remake of the Parent Trap, I just want to make that clear to everyone. So today I decided to address this issue and tackle a few more others with a fun little game of “Who Would You Do?”

The rules of the game are simple, I give you three people, give you a little rundown and in the end you leave me a comment with who would you do and why. Simple, fun, dirty, and delightful… that is the way I operate around here.

First Up: Vicki Iseman

Vicki Iseman

Who is she: She works as a lobbyist and the New York Times recently had a story that she banged Presidential Candidate John McCain a few years ago to curry favor for the people she represented. Allegedly his staff told her to stay away from him and they also had a long talk with McCain saying that this could be a potential problem. Before people say this is a smear campaign, McCain retained a lawyer about a year ago to deal with this… so it isn’t exactly a surprise.

Positives: Anyone that is banging high-level politicians can probably suck a golf ball through a garden house, right Monica?

lewinsky and clinton

Also you don’t get to the level she is at in the Washington without being bent over a desk or two…. Er… I mean… I am sure she is really good at her job.

Drawbacks: Her eyes are too far apart, she almost looks like those composite alien drawings that people that have been abducted and anally probed make.

alien drawing

Next: Lindsey Lohan

Lindsay Lohan as Monroe

Who is she: Coke whore, singer, actress, and all around gossip column queen, to quote Biggie, “If you don’t know now you know.”

Baby… baby…

What I think: Lohan recently posed nude and it has been the hot topic on the interweb all week, well that and the Gene Simmons sex tape. Let me say one of these things makes me want to cut my dick off. Hey Gene, just so you know if you are making a sex tape and need to wear a shirt to hide your flab you probably shouldn’t be making said sex tape. Who wears their shirt during sex unless it is a quickie? Come on Gene.

Anyways, back to Lohan’s breasts… In the spread she recreates the last photo shoot that Marilyn Monroe ever did as Monroe “overdosed” on barbiturates a short time later. (Or was killed by the Kennedy family, whatever.) Some call it pathetic and a desperate way to gain publicity and some might say it is foreshadowing, why does it have to be “either/or” can’t it be a combination?

I have to say that this was a day I have long waited for, while the breasts didn’t disappoint the whole wig thing freaked me out and turned me off. Personally I wanted to see those bad boys with her fire crotch exposed and the drapes matching the carpet, instead I feel like this whole experience was tainted. It ranks up there with finding out that Santa wasn’t real and that roofies aren’t socially acceptable.

Finally: A Young Willie Aames

willie aames

Who is he: He was in freaking Charles in Charge, Eight is Enough, and Paradise with Phoebe Cates which was kind of like a rip off of the Blue Lagoon. Here is a brief description of Paradise:

David and Sarah travel with a caravan from Baghdad to Damascus. At an oasis the white-slave agent ‘Jackal’ raids them, mainly to add the beautiful young Sarah to his harem. Only David and Sarah can flee, all the others are slayed. Their flight leads them to a beautiful oasis – their paradise – where they discover love and sex. However the jackal hasn’t given up on Sarah yet…

I love the descriptions on IMDB.com, it makes me feel like I have a grasp of grammar. Anyways, if that doesn’t say fine cinema I don’t know what does.

Why is he here: I felt kind of weird that there wasn’t a guy involved for the ladies to choose. I don’t want to force you into hardcore lesbianism. So I decided to go with the first guy I could think of and it happened to be Willie Aames. I don’t know what this says about my brain or my thought process… But what the hell?

So who would you do?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

47 Responses to “Who would you do: Vicki Iseman vs. Lindsay Lohan vs. A Young Willie Aames”

  1. Meghan Lawrence says:

    Santa isn’t real?…

  2. Meghan Lawrence says:

    I can’t hack Willie Aames being my ONLY choice for a dude – even if it is Willie Pre- Celebrity Fit club. Iseman doesn’t look like she is up for the job of being my 1st lesbian encounter. While Lindsay could probably hold her own – it wouldn’t be worth the Hep C. I’m going to go with Bill Clinton – although not offered as an official choice, the back of his head looks like a better option.

  3. bethany says:

    Willie Ames is the first man you thought of? OR… the first man you thought of that classified as a “man”, but would still force hardcore lesbianism decisions…

    I notice you didn’t state who you would pick, unless we’re going with the lobbyist woman.. and anyone that would touch McCain, I wouldn’t touch…

    I have to say, the lesser of all evils is Lohan, but she still looks older than I do in those photos.. bad lighting.. Wow, if ever there were an anti-drug ad, those pictures would be nice.. have to admit, the boobs didn’t disappoint, but yeah.. the boy shorts? And Marilyn was a goddess because she had the hips, as well.. The mind has a predetermined body type that is beautiful.. properly proportioned and Lindsay isn’t – she’s too thin…

    As for the Kennedys killing Marilyn.. *coughs*I’msonot*coughs*goingtopointout*coughs*thatRFK*coughs *wasinLAthatnight*coughs*

    Oh, damn… I feel sullied… I’m sure a lot of your readers feel that way, though…

    • Kevin says:

      I can’t imagine kissing the yellow rotted teeth or maybe it was like Pretty Woman where she says, “no kissing”

      The freckles were a little off putting to… I have to say.

      Sullied? Isn’t that the way you are always supposed to feel after reading something I post?

      And you know RFK did it.

  4. Dana says:

    I think even though it’s not a choice, I’d pick that Alien up there. Think about it. Iseman won’t do anything because I’m not in politics, Lohan won’t do anything because I can’t offer her coke or champagne, and “a young willie aames” is probably labeled correctly in that picture, so….my obvious conclusion is the alien. Plus, I might get some sort of cool gadget I can use when I get back to Earth…

  5. Steve says:

    Pheobe Cates should have been a choice!

    I’d bang either of those chicks. I’d even let Willie watch but he would have to stay on the other side of the room and not talk.

  6. penny lane says:

    I’m straight, so I’m going Willie Aames, the fro years. Who didn’t love Buddy??? Also, for anyone to compare Lindsay to Marilyn, pitiful. Just ask Joe DiMaggio or Arthur Miller. The lady had to be doing something right, and that red-headed clown is just a disaster.

    • Kevin says:

      We should probably ask the entire Kennedy family while we are at it.

      • penny lane says:

        I am most distressed about this statement~ “So I decided to go with the first guy I could think of and it happened to be Willie Aames.” WHAT??? I may have gone the rest of my life without ever thinking of him again, so how is he the 1st guy you thought of? Tragic really…

        And I bet no Kennedy’s would have licked peanut butter off anyone’s taint… that’s why she didn’t marry those cats. Or maybe because they were already married could have been a factor.

  7. Vince says:

    I pick Lindsay Lohan only because you quoted Biggie.

    It was all a dream
    I used to read Word Up magazine
    Salt’n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine

  8. kate says:

    1st- Kudos for the Biggie Lyric lol
    I pick Bill Clinton cause I dont want to turn lesbo for E.T and Fire crouch.Fire crouch..sounds like a fire pissing walking std whore. Maybe if it was Hayden from Heroes(she is legal now isnt she?) then I would turn gay for her.

  9. Charlotte says:

    I need a 4th option! I mean, seriously, Kevin! Blech!
    (although I did have a sex dream once about doing Willie in a mandarin orange colored shirt while he was wearing a Kevin mask, and Gene Simmons was licking a pudding cup over Willie/Kevin’s shoulder)
    Vicki Iseman kind of looks like a blond, younger Liza Minelli. Coincidence? Next stop for you, Joan Rivers!

  10. M.E says:

    Okay so I would sleep with Willie so that I could get to Scott Baio. Lindsay would probably just fall asleep cause she was too drunk and drugged.

  11. scott says:

    I’d have to go with Vicki, cause Lindsey’s white skin and freckles all over her body make me lose my mandarin oranges and she has to do something about her teeth, ewww!!

  12. Mandygirl says:

    I mean is there really any doubt who I”d pick? I think you just wanted to hear all the ladies say they’d do Lindsey Lohan. Now she’s not my first chioce in women… but in this area for sure.

  13. Patrick D. says:

    Sadly, that alien chick is so ugly it’s a contest between Lindsay Lohan or Willie Aames. But in the end, I gotta stick with my gut and bang Lindsay. (That and the not being into dudes part.)

    Hell, you should bang Lindsay just because the crazy chicks go nuts in the bedroom. Everything is on the table with her, I’m betting. She’ll probably let you put it in her ear…if you’re into that short of thing.

    Hell, Willie might let you do that to be honest…

  14. Thanks for reminding me of another pre-teen lust I’d long forgotten. And hey, Bananas magazine! I used to get that! (It was like pre-teen MAD. A little less political, still funny.)

    I guess I see the appeal of Lindsay….I guess. I can’t get past how vacant and sad and hard and old she looks around the face. And the full body frecklage. Yech.

  15. Matty says:

    That Vicki Iseman is pretty fugly.

    And for the ladies, I have another candidate. Andrew Koenig, aka “Boner” from Growing Pains.

  16. Lunatic says:

    La-la-la-Lohan! I would nail that tramp like a $2 hooker.

  17. mallory says:

    id have to say Lohan. just becasue i think she would be a hellva bitch to party with.. id just be worried she’d slip something in my drink before the night was over with.. or id catch crabs. but ill take my chances with lohen over the alien and Willie Aames…

  18. Tori says:

    Nope. I’d join a convent before I’d bang any of those chicks. And that includes Willie Aames.

  19. Tits McGee says:

    They’re all disgusting. Willie was on Celebrity Fit Club and looked like a dumbass.
    Lindsay looks like she smells like someone’s ass, and the chick up top I have never heard of but she looks like she has a lazy eye.

  20. Karl Rove says:

    You live in Boston now, you can’t make Kennedy jokes anymore…unless you want to end up like Marilyn.

  21. Christian says:

    Lindsey for sure , she is hot and this time she’s naked on purpose

  22. Jinksy says:

    I’d take a coked out Lindsay over the other two.

    Vicki Iseman looks like she could be one of those aliens who try to pose and human, but just don’t quite make the cut.

    And if I wanted a willy, I have my own.

  23. Milk Chocolate M&Ms are bigger than Lindsay Lohan’s breasts… that’s a little scary.

    My pick, Willie Aames – ONLY if he wore his Bibleman costume while trying to hit on me.

  24. Alex L says:

    hmmm, as tempting as alien composite girl is, I think coked out lidsay is a better choice, even wit the rampant speculation about the health of her coot.

  25. Harry P says:

    Is this really a debate? I mean come on. There’s only one person on there I think about while I masturbate into people’s coffee… Willie Aaames, of course.

  26. GEMMERZZ says:

    i choose lohan with a strap-on… minimizes the contact. and for the record, the gene simmons tape was so pathetic! not only did she make him wear a condom, she also wouldn’t kiss him for his own sex tape — i conclude she was definitely a hooker. clearly, he clearly didn’t pay her enough.

  27. laura says:

    I gotta take Monica…….I’d need some meat to hang on to and not take the chance of being anally probed……….just sayin’…………

  28. Jay says:

    Vicki looks like a mug shot of the older sister from Eight is Enough. No thank you. Lindsey doesn’t have carpet dude – she went hardwood.

  29. Kevin says:

    The one guy that called her firecrotch on TMZ, the only way you get that pissed at a girl is if she gives you some sort of VD.

  30. Sgt McCorkle says:

    Well that’s who she gave it to. And come on, he should have known better.
    I suppose he received more than an autograph.

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