I am sitting here writing this blog post in an empty bathtub, half naked, shivering… I may or may not have crapped myself. Why am I telling you this? I am fighting addiction, it isn’t pretty, it isn’t clean, and I can’t hide it anymore. Today I need your help in overcoming my problem, I can’t hide it anymore this problem is starting to consume me and I think I have hit rock bottom… No longer can I come here and post, be all smiley and happy. Dancing for you like some little trained monkey… This is the real side of Kevin, the dark side, and a side that you have never seen.
It is hard for me to admit this but I am addicted and I guess that is the first step you need to make in order to get back on the road to recovery. Yesterday I went grocery shopping to stock the “Boston Bachelor Pad” or the BBP with goodies, and like always I bought an inordinate amount of mandarin orange fruit cups. I was actually pissed off that the Stop and Shop didn’t have entire jars of these tasty fruits that Jesus made with his bare hands. When I got home I didn’t even unpack my groceries yet before I ripped one open and slammed it back like a shot, using my tongue to lick out rest of the oranges. After knocking that one back I decided it wasn’t good enough and I immediately had another in the same style.
What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn’t use a fork? I was that addicted that I needed my fix that quick? I dropped the empty cup to the ground and looked into the mirror in horror, telling myself how much I hated me and then smashed the mirror with my fist. It was that instance that I knew I had to kick this habit cold turkey and I locked myself in the bathroom with my laptop to make sure this happened.
My obsession with these little cups of joy started a few weeks back when I was sick and could hardly swallow anything. I started out with a couple of fruit cups a day and graduated to entire jars… Yes that is right, I would sit in front of the tv watching the news eating entire jars of these things. On the bright side I guess my chances for getting scurvy are remarkably low.
If I don’t kick this now how far will I sink? Will I be sitting outside stores offering to blow people for mandarin orange cups? Or will I be shifting through the garbage of local restaurants that serve mandarin orange salad?
I don’t want to be a trick turning, dumpster diving, mandarin orange addict. I think I need to go score some crack, that will set me straight.
Have you ever had a random food addiction?
It’s true, the mandarins are cracklike. The only thing you can hope for is some sort of fruit scourge to wipe them out for good.
That may be the only thing that can save me
Fuckin’ Manadarin Orange CUPS! Cold Wet Chinese Action. You just HAD to bring them up?? I got hooked when I got all 4 wisdom teeth out and couldn’t chew for a month. Bastard.
P.S. Super Stop and Shop sells them in LARGE CANS.
I didn’t see them… I went to a Super one… I was just trying to get over how generally rude people are here. I need to shift back into that mode, Buffalo spoiled me with everyone being nice.
well… bean town …people are rude…and if you go anywhere else in massachusettes you’ll see the same thing…
the only way you’ll be happy there is to continue to consume your little orange cups of joy…and the rudeness wont even matter…
I’m not sure if they still sell them - but a few years ago they made these Kit Kat popables…Like - inch size Kit Kat bites that came in a resealable plastic bag. Those mofos kept me up at night! Serving size - 40.
Oh my chocolate overload
I HAD THE SAME ADDICTION!
In the 60’s my Mum would stockpile food in a broken refrigerator in our basement.
Those Geisha Mandarin Slices called to me day and night. One day, when she went to make Mandarin - Lemon Jello for “The Old Man”, all 6 cans were gone. I got spanked.
I knew I wasn’t the only one.
dont worry- lindsey lo just got naked for a vanity fair *or some such zine i cant remember* thing
so you have boobs to look at
you like her, right?
Oh I have looked… I have looked
Do you find that you shit out Mandarin Oranges whole, though. They don’t get broken down, they just slide out. Is that what Jesus intended for them to do?
Jesus intended them to fight off scurvy and make my tummy full… He loves me so
im feeling generous and bored so in case some one hasnt seen them yet
http://perezhilton.com/2008-02-18-lindsay-does-marilyn#more-14304
oh lindsey
Nutella, I can eat out of the jar with a spoon without remorse.
Salt Prunes, look it up, it’s a Caribbean thing. I’ll eat them until my tummy aches and I want to barf, my mouth with pucker and I’ll feel ill for days, but. I. can’t. stop.
My mother eats Marmite by the spoonful. See, now you don’t feel bad about the mandarins… at least they are good for you.
Nutella… blech… double blech
Blech to nutella and not MARMITE? Are you sick man?
I have never even heard of Marmite
Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists = the devil.
They are so buttery
You’re in the bathtub posting this? What kind of wireless system do you have? Mine doesn’t work in the bathroom.
My oh so powerful linksys router… I write most of my stuff on the crapper now
i work in a large grocery chain in the southeast.
EVERY day for work (and i mean EVERY day) i HAVE to have my little cup of peaches. they’re in the deli cooler all cold and delicious. no sugar added, so i feel like i’m all healthy when i eat them.
i get really pissy when there’s no peaches. they also carry pineapple cups and some bastardized version of fruit cocktail called “tropical medley” which has like, ONE peach, and tons of pink grapefruit. disgusting.
Pink grapefruit needs sugar in order to be tasty
Dole makes them in nice 16 oz jars….I just ate them
I was mainlining those before I left Buffalo
I’m very upset with you. Leaving NY and not even calling me!!
Strangely enough, I have had only one addiction - animal crackers. An insane craving to line them up and then eat them one by one. It’s like those people that eat only the yellow M&M’s out of the bag. I think we all have little quirks.
This all came together in three weeks time. I didn’t even meet with my family all that much…
One at a time? Freak.
I am addicted to Toll House bake at home cookies. I will rush through eating dinner so I can bake those up before I watch TV for the night. God forbid I run out of milk …It gets ugly.
it could lead to a shooting
My kids love those oranges, they eat them by the can. I was addicted to ice. No, not crystal meth, I mean frozen water. For my last two pregnancies, and following for a few months after each. Actually I wrote this in the midst of the addiction: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=101709226&blogID=202387610&Mytoken=9C134AD6-334C-446A-8504451A2048863355939413
(sorry, I don’t do well with links…)
Yeah I am sure that is the type of ice you are talking about…wink, wink
Jesus also made mint chocolate chip ice cream and Cuban sandwiches with his bare hands. Taco Bell tacos? The work of el diablo.
I know I swear to god when I am sitting on the toilet after eating taco bell… maybe I am talking to the wrong person
i’m the same way with wendy’s mandarin oranges. just last night i bought 3 cups of them. its like crack
Wait Wendy’s has mandarin oranges… oh god
We buy Dole Mandarin oranges in the can by the caseload at Sam’s Club. My kids are addicted to them too.
Send me some while you are at it
I thought the writer’s strike was over o.0;
what?
All that corn syrup can’t be good for you.
LIES
yep on the 99cent menu
Great, another source to feed my addiction…
Food Crack:
1. Caramel corn
2. Reese’s Pieces
3. Anything after a 16-mile run
So I’m not the only one who loves mandarin oranges! Those things are great.. but I’m not addicted to them. I’m addicted to crab rangoon. I swear they put crack in that stuff!
If you like mandarin oranges, pick up a can of lychee sometime. Sweet, fragrant, delicious. Some sort of Asian fruit, but they dont have that soft rubbery texture mandarins do that make me feel like I’m eating fetal oranges.
Any of those fruit cups are good because they’re drenched in syrup.
I was hooked on my kid’s Yogos snacks for a while there, even had to cut him off in order to cut myself off because those bad boys are goooooood.
Or will I be shifting through the garbage of local restaurants that serve mandarin orange salad?
This made me snort.
I had to stop buying microwave popcorn because I’d eat a bag of it instead of meals, for like two meals a day, when I was working at home. Ah, sweet buttery popcorn!
Remember those Girlguide cookies? The mint ones dipped in chocolate? I would sell an entire troupe into white slavery if It meant I could keep all those, and never have another little girl bait and switch me. “sorry I only have one box of these left but I have lots of the vanilla ones” That’s bullshit, you just know she’s got a case in the car and her mom’s just wolfin’ them down. Bitches
My seven year old likes them too.
I was addicted to chocolate! I had to have a candy bar after every dinner - and a 2 Liter of Coke, everyday and a half. I have been off BOTH for 4 days - stay away - I have grown “Kitty Claws”…..
I’m on the way to the store… might have a to grab a jar and see what all the hype is about. I usually stick to the salad bar for my mandarin fix. You monster.
Hey, at least you’re getting your daily recommended amount of fruit servings. And tomorrow’s. And the day after that. And the whole year…
You get my point.
What do you mean you may have JUST hit rock bottom? I thought that was a place you were very familiar with.
Look at this coincidence: I’m reading this post in an empty bath tub, half-naked and shivering!
hahaha so you love those sweet and tasty cups eh? Apparently they only come in an A cup lol
I love those as well. When I serve the kids I always take a few from their cup knowing I have to give them some from my cup. I found that wasn’t fair so I got me another cup while they sit and say “HEY”
they are pretty damn good