Tossed Salad and KFC
On Friday night I went out in Geneseo, which is where a lot of my drunken mistake blogs took place. It was kind of a welcome home/going away party all wrapped up into one before I set out to move to Boston. While out, my friend Jeff bumped into someone he used to work with from years ago when Jeff and I were roommates. While I have met Jeff’s friend before we haven’t seen each other in years. I figured I would let them get caught up so I went to the back of the bar to play some. A few minutes later Jeff joined the rest of our friends in the back of the bar, he came back there with a huge grin on his face.
“So my buddy Ken wanted to know if that was actually you. He said you are one of his heroes?”
Now I had no idea what Jeff was talking about, I don’t think I have done anything particularly heroic in my lifetime.
“He brought up the one time a girl tossed your salad after you ate KFC earlier in the day. He still says it is the greatest story he has ever heard.”
1) I totally forgot about this story
2) I don’t know if this is exactly what I want to be known for
People will remember you for different reasons throughout their lifetime. Maybe you are someone’s first kiss, best friend, or teammate… whatever it is you will be known for different things throughout your life. In Ken’s world that is what I was known for, and I am not sure I like it.
So anyways, before leaving the bar I walked over to Ken and told him I was making a run to KFC and wanted to know if he wanted anything. He proceeded to introduce me to all his friends and their girlfriends as the “guy who had his salad tossed after eating KFC.” I hope to Christ this doesn’t end up on my gravestone.
I figure that I should share the story with you. Remember, don’t judge.
Back when I was 22 or 23 I met this woman that lived in Batavia, which might have the most single mothers anywhere on the place of the earth. She was about 35 years old and attractive, but we knew that there was no way we would ever date because of our age difference and the fact that she had three kids. One night she asked me to come out to where she lived and go drinking with her and her friends. I obliged and ended up getting horribly drunk, she brought me back over to her place for some naked time.
We started hooking up, a couple of minutes into kissing she stopped and asked, “Have you ever had your asshole eaten out?” I told her that I hadn’t and she proceeded to do just that, which led to just one of the dirtiest nights of sex I had ever had.
Now the thing is the entire time all I could think about was that I had KFC for lunch. If I ate KFC that means I probably shit at least 5 times that afternoon because KFC destroys me, there is no humanly possible way that my ass was clean and the whole entire thought of it made me want to vomit. After we got done doing everything I immediately decided to shower, even though I could barely stand.
The next day I drove home and just sat on the couch trying to process everything that happened the night before. Jeff came out of his room and asked me what.
Me: I think I just had my salad tossed.
Jeff: How was it?
Me: I couldn’t tell you, all I could think about was that I went to KFC for lunch.
Jeff: Did you shower first?
Me: No.
Jeff: Did she use jelly or syrup? (Our salad tossing knowledge was limited to Chris Rock talking about it.)
Me: Nothing, she just had my hairy ass and the remnants of the Colonel.
Jeff: That is fucked up.
So there you have it… My tossed salad story and what one entire group of people knows me for. I’m sure my parents would be proud.
Are you known for something to a group of people that you aren’t very proud of?
This blog is going up at humor-blogs.com, go there and check it out.
Wow. I’m glad I read this early, and not after lunch.
What were you planning on going to KFC?
Hahaha. I didn’t even think of that. Now I’ll probably remember this story the next time I’m in a KFC.
I had something completely different in mind when I read the blog title. I won’t ever look at salad in the same way again, unfortunately
I had no idea what to title this
I got nothing that could ever compare to that.
At least it was mildly amusing right?
It was great!
Long time, no see, Kevin!
Hope you are well.
um… i wish i could top this? but sadly, the only thing i have remotely close is my friend and i peeing outside a bar one night. i looked over at her, our naked asses on some truck bumper, and i see she has placed her purse right under her, and not a drop has hit the ground, it is all going straight into her coach bag. classic…
That is pretty damn funny.
and for sure i told everyone we know, so she is linked to event for eternity…
Wow, that is something….wow…just wow. Apparently she didn’t have a problem with it..or else she would have stopped. oh gosh, wonder if she kisses her kids with that mough.
mouth*
I’m known for a lot of things to different groups of friends that I’m not very proud of, but I don’t know that they compare to your story…
My favorite story is about a lesbian dinner party I got invited to at my cousins house aka why I should stick to drinking beer and never drink liquor:
**I showed off my nipple piercings at a lesbian dinner party, just prior to passing out face first on the kitchen table and requiring to be carried to bed. Later I got up and insisted on leaving and got pissed when they wouldn’t give me my keys. They called me a cab, when it showed up, the cab driver had religious music playing in the cab. I got kissed by 2 lesbians as I got into the cab with the Jesus music playing, then proceded to get on the phone to another friend and swear like a sailor about how I didn’t need a G-D fuckin cab…all the while with the Jesus music playing away. I can’t believe that guy didn’t put me out of the cab
**
Oh, I got into a bar brawl once and the group I was with (who I’d just met) saw it. I dropped a girl that swung at me and it was one of those moments where even though the entire crowd from inside the club was leaving, everything got strangely dead silent and the sound of my fist hitting her face was heard at the end of the block- and the hit buckled her, so I ended up looking like the female incredible hulk, which actually when you’re sober is pretty embarassing. I only went out with the people a few more times but it was all they ever talked about, they called me fight club after that.
Damn… Just damn…I’ll never eat KFC the same way again without reminder of this story.
Bloody Hell.
When I was 21 I went out with friends and got totally shitfaced. After, about 8 of us piled into my friends Taurus to get back to the dorms. They all went into a 24 hr Burger King to get food while me and one other dude waited in the car. He proceeded to throw up all over the back seat, and then get out and walk home, triggering the car alarm on the car. When everyone came running back to the car, there I was with a car full of puke. I was so drunk all I could do was 1/2 defend myself, and they were so drunk they barely remembered him being in the car in the 1st place!! I SWEAR it wasn’t me – to this day – I am the one who threw up all over the car.
Ummm…as for what I’m known as w/ a particular group of friends? The only one not to pee on the tube. I just couldn’t do it even though I was drunk as hell and had to go sooo bad. I’m a wuss and I hate public toilets, how the hell could I go in public transportation? (Yes, I am really this boring, lol.)
Damn it Kevin!
Can you please give us a warning beforehand.
I was eating breakfast. “Was” being the key word.
Nice bro, nice… I always new the Colonel had that cheesy ass looking grin for some damn reason or another! Well at least she was hot, was being the operative word. I mean a woman that has made a meal of your “pink winker” for some reason just looses some respectability points. It’s a mystery as to why that would be, but I digress. Thanks for the nifty image I am going to forever have when KFC is brought up. Damn…
This indicates an innuendo that you’re a homo dude. Stop beating around the bush and just come out with it.
If anything I love KFC too much
did u ask her if it tasted like chicken?
This is why the guys I work with love you!!!
You gotta love Google. Take a look at the “contextual” ads Google placed on your site for this. Salad dressing recipes, salad eating contests, and Jesus loves you. What would the advertisers think?
And then a hero comes along…
I’ll never eat at KFC again without thinking of your ass..
mission accomplished
I had a friend who was tossing a guy’s salad and she saw a big peice of toilet paper stuck on his asshole.
That is one dirty story. Made me want to vomit.
I can’t top that. That was gross. However, within a particular group of people in my hometown, I am known as the girl who lifts her shirt in front of 50 guys after only two beers. It’s a sad, shameful, and slightly wicked tale of my youth.
um, i went to a house party last winter & apparently got so drunk that i couldnt find the door to leave & everyone says i just jumped out the window from the secound story & walked away like nothing happened, i was called spiderman for a large part of the summer… and that’s NOT what i want to be known for.
That is fucking awesome
I’m just glad I haven’t eaten KFC since I was in high school. The last time I ate it, I was legitimately sick enough to miss 2 days of school. My mom didn’t even object, which should tell you something about the level of sick I was experiencing, since she’s a nurse and generally just tells me to man up.
So pretty much, I’ll never think about this at KFC because I’ll never be at a KFC in the first place.
kfc kills me too….
i love kfc though..
i also love having my salad tossed…
but jesus christ….not showering first….thats just evil
~Vurp~ Dammit, I really loved KFC..but, I fear that story will really “taint” my memories. Thank god I was’t eating when I read this. Geez, that’s just sick…lol
i just happened to stumble across your blog and i must say, this post was awesome. i had KFC for lunch today (true story) and wish someone tossed my salad afterwards (not so true)! ha.
I went to a friend’s wedding and re-introduced myself to a person I knew was a friend of one of my exes. After catching up he said, “Andrew got us playing a drinking game named after you, did you know that? It’s called oh-oh-oh-damn-oh.” He proceeded to pull over a small group of young men who he led in a deafening chorus of my exact orgasm noises.
I’ve worked on that since.
But you’ve gotta say god bless a dirty MILF who isn’t phased by onion breath or greasy ass.
Hah! your blog is hilarious.
On new years last year I had an enormous party where a large group of old highschool friends showed up. This was great except for the fact that amongst them was an ex boyfriend. We ended up getting wasted and locking ourselves in my bedroom, and I distinctly remember that while I was going down on him, I could hear everyone downstairs yelling “5!…4!…3!…” They were counting down to the new year. I made the mistake of telling my friends this memory the next morning, and now the “guess how Bea brought in the new year in 2007!!!” story is told at every party I go too.
i just threw up a little.
Mission accomplished.
For such a ugly sob. you land a lot of tail i have to give you your props dog
I am a damn handsome man
[...] I, unlike a lot of people, love KFC chicken. I still loved it even after that guy over at Pointless Banter tried to ruin it for me. And let me tell you, it is a tough thing to read something like that [...]
Remind me to stop reading your blog during my lunch time.
All the tossed salad stories I hear about are about older women.