Holy Crap: Could it actually be a mailbag

Back in the day when I blogged on MySpace I would do a mailbag with another writer named Trista. The topics would be relationships and/or sex oriented and were always fun to do. We kind of had a falling out and didn’t talk to each other for a year but she is about to launch a new site and we figured that for old times sake we would do a mailbag together. Plus I am the only blogger she has written with that has any talent.

So check out her site at eve-101.com for more women’s shit and sex advice.

1. What’s the best time to spring on a girl I am dating that I’ve been to prison. It wasn’t anything violent and shit. But for serious! First date? Three? Before sex? Wait till we’re committed? I’m in need of some guidance.

Trista: Hmmm….this is a conundrum.

See, the problem is you can’t be sure things will work out to your advantage after she finds out; at least I don’t think you can… (You did say it wasn’t a violent crime, correct?) As hard as it is, you need to let her know before you’re completely attached to each other. But at the same time, you need to make sure she already knows what a great guy you are and all that, because that will help to make this little factoid all the more insignificant.

So! You know that moment right before you fall in love with someone; you like her…she likes you…you are standing on the cusp, in between casual city and relationship town…you know that moment? That’s when you strike. Yeah…good luck with that.

Kevin: Probably after you rape her, rob her, and then kill her. She might get the notice at that point… scourge of society. And even if you do tell them before you do all that it is going to end the relationship either way, I hate to tell you that.

Did she not pick up on the teardrop tattoo by your right eye?

Or are you going to try and lobby for some strap on usage so it can remind you of the “old days”, kinky bastard.

2. Say, someone had contracted a std, and it was in fact something that was able to be cured. So they no longer had it. Since they no longer have it, is it something that should automatically be discussed with future sex partners? I know nobody wants to admit they have had a std, especially if it has been cured, and is no longer a problem. But should the fact that they had it at one point, make them morally obligated to disclose that information?

Trista: In a word, no.

You are not “morally obligated” to tell anyone about a previous sexually transmitted infection that has been cured, any more than you are obligated to tell someone how many times you have gotten athlete’s foot at the gym. If the infection is gone, and you have been tested recently and received a clean bill of health you are in the clear. In fact, I would go so far as to say you might never want to tell ANYONE about this, because frankly it’s gross and awkward and we just don’t want to hear about it.

But! If you are loose-lipped and all your friends already know, take warning: this probably isn’t the kind of thing you want slipping out a well meaning pal’s well lubricated lips. If you are serious about the person you are dating and it is quite possible they could find out (i.e. everyone in your group of friends calls you Gonorrhea-Girl) just tell them. Better they hear it from you, that way you can spin the story: “You remember how I told you my last boyfriend cheated on me with his dog walker? Well, he gave me something besides a broken heart…” You get what I’m saying, Gonorrhea-Girl.

Kevin: Women and their dirty vagina’s never cease to amaze me. No you don’t have to tell them if it is something that a shot takes care of. Now if you have herpes and drop that bomb on them after they booked a trip to the New Orleans Jazz and Music Heritage Festival than you should be shot…

I hate to say this though, Trista is right. If you went and told all of your friends you may want to tell your significant other because odds are it is going to come out. That is why when my penis burns when I piss the only person that knows is the doctor and my inner shame. (Note: My penis has been clean. That last statement was made for comedic value.)

3. Why are men intimidated by a woman who has her shit together?

Trista: You know… I started out wanting to say that REAL men aren’t intimidated by strong, successful women, and then I realized that I would be lying to you, myself and all of Kevin’s readers. While there may be exceptions to the rule, it seems that many men are prone to feeling at least a little threatened by their flourishing female counterparts.

So all that’s left is the why, and well…I do not know for certain as I am in fact a female myself. If I was going to speculate (and I am…) I would blame it on America’s Victorian hangover. Yep. It’s our ancestor’s fault. They believed a woman’s place was in the home and it was a man’s job to go about pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Now that nonsense in embedded in our DNA.

But don’t worry; Social Darwinism is going to provide a solution. Each generation brings forth more and more loafing men willing to stay home looking at internet porn, eating Hot Pockets whilst their women are out making that money. It’s inevitable, they adjust or we humans die off. The species must be perpetuated!

Kevin: I’ve never dated a successful woman, I wouldn’t know. (And here comes the parade of hate mail from all my ex-girlfriends.) I would love to date someone more successful than me if that means they would actually spring for a dinner or two and make me wear cute outfits for them. I am down with a role reversal or role playing… whatever.

4. If you were blacked out does the sex count? What if you don’t orgasm, what then?

Trista: I think the real issue here is the fact that you are putting yourself in very dangerous situations. Blackouts are nothing to laugh at. Binge drinking, pill popping, sexual promiscuity…these are all symptoms of a much larger problem. You need to step back at take a look, missy.

But…no orgasm? Fuck no it doesn’t count. I’d want to be blacked out too.

Kevin: Maybe we should ask my prom date and half of the girls that I met in college. (Kidding) I guess it depends on how you blacked out if it was autoerotic asphyxiation it is perfectly okay, if it is from another source like pills or booze than it could be a problem.

So there you have it the return of the mailbag, it maybe a one time thing, a once a month thing, or whatever… Let me know if you want this to make a return…

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