There is nothing worse than the whole “I am sick” conversation
I get really uncomfortable when people tell me that they are sick. Not because I am afraid I am going to catch anything but because I don’t know the amount of sympathy I am supposed to show back. Add in the fact that an uncomfortable situation occurs around the discussion of their symptoms and the whole thing ends up sucking.
When it comes to giving sympathy you have to determine the levels. For example if you are talking to someone and they say that they are sick and it is just like a cold or they are just tired you really don’t to make a big production out of things. A simple, “I hope you feel better.” Or even saying something like, “That sucks.” These replies are fine for that moment. Now if they have something worse you have to be much more caring and show a little more sympathy.
In order to determine what is exactly wrong with them you always need to follow up the “I am sick” statement with a question like, “What is wrong?” I hate asking that question, because to a sick person that gives them so much room to bitch and it extends the conversation for five minutes. Plus it opens the door to so many uncomfortable details. Here is a sample conversation I had with someone a few weeks ago.
Me: Hey.
Them: I’m sick
Me: What’s wrong?
Them: I have just been on the toilet all day, nothing is coming out solid, I feel awful.
Me: Thanks… hope you feel better. (spits up food and throws lunch away)
This situation got me thinking, I want to avoid the entire sick conversation as much as possible going forward in my life. Unless someone has cancer or is dying I don’t want to know about the small issues. I am a big picture type of guy, the flu isn’t any interest to me, if you have something that is going to go away in a couple of days I really don’t need to hear about it.
So I have come up with what I think is a genius idea to prevent me from having these conversations. When someone tells me they are sick I reply with, “So you have HIV huh?”
This does a couple of things:
1) It reduces whatever illness they have to something that is unimportant- Whatever they have is a step down and at that point. When things are put into perspective they feel silly bitching about how they are puking pea soup.
2) It is such a ridiculous question it throws them off- They don’t know what to say and then I can take over the conversation and move it forward past the whole illness thing.
Now the only downside to this is if they do actually have HIV. You are either going to steal their steam or you are going to look like a psychic, unless it is your girlfriend or ex-girlfriend and then you are going to open a can of worms. So there you have it, a way to totally avoid talking about someone’s illness, go out and try it and let me know how it works for you.
Do you see any holes in this theory?
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On 02/8/08 at 7:41 am
Meghan said:
I do something similiar. I don’t go the full blown HIV route, but I’ll say “Another Herpes outbreak, eh?”. Or if they are spending 15 minutes bitching about their runny nose I’ll pull a “friend of mine had that and you know what? Six days later - BOOM, Syphallis!” It wises them up. Did I spell Syphallis right?
On 02/8/08 at 10:49 am
Kevin said:
syphilis
On 02/8/08 at 8:00 am
Gern said:
Consider - “I’ve heard the dutch elm disease is going around.” It will take them longer to digest that response thus giving you more time to move the conversation forward. Plus, the odds against somebody actually having dutch elm disease is slim.
On 02/8/08 at 8:04 am
Meghan said:
I love that! Dutch elm….Everyone I know has a cold - Dutch Elm is going to change my Friday!
On 02/8/08 at 10:48 am
Kevin said:
That is a good call
On 02/8/08 at 8:09 am
Kate said:
I always respond with ‘Herpes flaring up again?’ that always shuts them up.
On 02/8/08 at 10:49 am
Kevin said:
that is a nice touch
On 02/8/08 at 8:17 am
Claire said:
The only flaw or hole in this is what happens when you are sick?
Should folks tell you that you have HIV or offer to tuck you up with blankets and a bowl of soup? (or a mattress protector if its particularly yucky flu).
On 02/8/08 at 9:17 am
kevin said:
It doesn’t apply when I am sick.
On 02/8/08 at 10:02 am
Claire said:
And you are very sick
On 02/8/08 at 10:44 am
Kevin said:
Hey now
On 02/8/08 at 8:31 am
Rasmenia said:
Hmm…I had never really thought about the complaints of sick people that much. I’m generally annoyed by talking humans whether they be healthy or ailing.
Maybe I’ll give your tactic a whirl a few times instead of instantly mocking those people & see how it goes.
Hell, I’ve been itching for a new social experiment, anyway.
On 02/8/08 at 10:48 am
Kevin said:
you have to let me know how it works out for you
On 02/8/08 at 9:57 am
sporkgasm said:
first, i can’t believe you used one of those fucking cat pictures. they should all be burned. and whoever created them should die. secondly, your response is only good if you say it like it’s the word “hiv” and not the letters h, i, and v. that’s what i do and people get so perplexed. i heart it.
On 02/8/08 at 10:47 am
Kevin said:
I am a big fan of “hiv” instead of H.I.V.
I hate those cats too but I was in need of a picture and that is what came up for sick when I googled it… I am incredibly lazy.
On 02/8/08 at 10:20 am
Lord Likely said:
I like your plan, sir. It sounds like a lot less bother than my usual tactic of just vomiting on these people.
On 02/8/08 at 10:45 am
Kevin said:
See… another reason why I need to learn to vomit on command.
On 02/8/08 at 10:24 am
Matty said:
I don’t see any holes in your theory at all. In fact, I’m going to use that today if at all possible. Thanks, Kevin! You’re better than a PBS infomercial.
On 02/8/08 at 10:45 am
Kevin said:
I do what I can to help the public
On 02/8/08 at 10:31 am
Trice said:
I don’t know if there is any holes, I’m sick.
On 02/8/08 at 10:44 am
Kevin said:
Must be the HIV
On 02/8/08 at 11:05 am
Shieldmaiden96 said:
I have very little patience with people who give us painful detail about every ailment, and absolutely NO PATIENCE with people who give me blow by blow details of how sick their kids are. Poopy diapers, projectile vomiting, “And I got no sleep at all!” always makes me want to shrug and say, “Well, you had em!” and buy a larger purse to accommodate the giant bottle of Purell I want to carry around with me in public when the little snot-trolls are afoot.
I am a bad person.
On 02/8/08 at 11:27 am
em em said:
I always just say, “yeah ya are” and kind of end it there…
On 02/8/08 at 12:12 pm
Kathy said:
If it happens at work, I tell them to go home because they’re going to make us all sick. Idiots. If they’re looking for sympathies, all they’ll get from me is a death stare and a “Thanks, jerk. I’m sure I’ll be blaming you soon if I get it.”
On 02/8/08 at 12:52 pm
Soil_Monkey said:
I always wanted to do the “Really….Awwwwww…Come on” thing but in a really condescending tone. Kind of like Brian from Family Guy when Meg is threatening to kill herself because nobody wants to go to a dance with her.
But instead I say, “aww” in a nice tone and then go about my merry non-sick way.
On 02/8/08 at 1:01 pm
country girl said:
personally it sounds great, though I would avoid it with your girlfriend/boyfriend completely, you may have to come up with another line for that.
On 02/8/08 at 7:41 pm
Branwyn said:
I try this:
Me: How are you?
Them: Sick
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I hope you feel better soon. So, did you hear about….
I change the subject. Unless it’s a close friend or relative that I know and might be curious of the ailment…then I move ahead with the conversation.
OR, I’ve done this a couple times, I tell them I have something far worse.
Me: You have a cold?
Them: yeah
Me: I have cancer (which I don’t, but they stop talking about themselves. It’s the “one up” theory”) I’m awful and probably going to hell. You should give me your number so I can look you up when I get there. LOL!!
On 02/9/08 at 11:47 am
Alejandro said:
i just tell them i dont give a fuck, now get back to work…the advantages of being a boss:)
but the best way is to change the subject right away, or simply dont ask what wrong…
On 02/9/08 at 1:42 pm
shannon said:
I basically say oh that sucks… ..
On 02/9/08 at 1:50 pm
mistakenone said:
Even though I posted an update on being with the puking flu… Fear Not
You can’t catch it from me. :}
What ever is going around is awful. I had to search three stores just to find sudafed PE whatever that shit is. Ever had a stuffed up nose that runs? hahah
love ya
On 02/10/08 at 4:41 pm
Josh said:
I have to ask.
I’m sure some of your friends read this, and I’m sure they’ve seen themselves in here (if not directly referenced), so do they ever get pissed and refuse to talk to you?
I’ve had that happen a few times.
On 02/10/08 at 4:53 pm
Kevin said:
Mostly just ex girlfriends…
On 02/10/08 at 7:56 pm
Winter said:
I’m kinda rude about it these days, especially since I totally ranted about the whole coming to work sick thing in my blog. LOL My convo goes like this:
ME: Hey, how’s it going?
THEM: I’m sick.
ME: Ahh. Got the thing everyone else around here brought to work, eh? Too bad. They’ve all been sick for awhile or are passing it back and forth to each other. See ya, I need to go suck on some Airborne gummi drops.
On 02/11/08 at 9:47 am
supernik said:
uhm, nope- seems flawless.
On 02/15/08 at 10:59 pm
Sue said:
Why is it that people always come up soooo close, like they’re telling you a secret, to tell you that they’re soooo sick. I always jump back like they’re typhoid mary at that point, rather than saying ‘then get the f*k back!’
On 06/4/08 at 4:42 pm
cheyanne reining said:
u r weird i’m not sick so i don’t care lol not