Matchmaker My Ass Part 2- Electric Boogaloo
To read the first part of this series, click here.
We left off with Patti Novak, the star of the reality show Confessions of a Matchmaker, talking about all the things I wasn’t allowed to talk about when I was on a date. She then shifted to politics and asked where I stood on some issues, which then turned into ten minutes of her giving me her own political leanings. I now know the official stance that she has on illegal immigration, let me just say that this talk had me biting my tongue and cringing at some of the terminology she used. At this point I was convinced that this lady wasn’t going to get a dime of my money. In fact I was trying to figure out a way not to stand up and toss her out of the window.
There was one interesting thing she did talk about. One applicant that had met with her earlier in the day was rejected because she didn’t really think he was a good fit, which I found a little curious. I asked her why she rejected him and she told me that he was against having kids, so much in fact he joined an anti-kids club. Like signed up for a membership, goes to meetings, and participated in a club for and about guys that were against having kids. Who the hell does that? I mean I get not wanting to have kids but to join a club about it? What the hell is the point? Do you need support on your stance of not wanting to have kids? Is it an addiction? Is it some magical club with so much fun and good times that you can’t pass it up? What is the deal with that?
After we finished talking about the no kids club she had to go take care of a few things paper work wise for something else and left me in her office, she gave me a book of letters and pictures of people that were satisfied with her service to peruse. I knew this was a total sales technique but I found it interesting to look at the people that were included in this book. This got me thinking for a second though, what if she does know what she is doing? But then logic stepped into my brain and pissed all over the hopeless romantic. Logic pointed out that if I wanted I probably could have been married at three different points in my life, logic also clearly pointed out saying that this service isn’t for you. Then logic bitch slapped me and reminded me that I was here for material not to be swayed by the Miss Cleo of dating.
Patti returned and asked me if I wanted to sign up… She explained that I had four business days to leave the service once it started if I wanted, and she would be calling me in two days with my first three matches. Also she explained that usually she offered classes with her service about how to dress, personal appearance, and how to hold a conversation but she felt like I didn’t need that service. (One of the oddest backhanded compliments I have ever received in my life.) She then put out the contract in front of me and asked me if I was interested. I hemmed and hawed explaining that I had a lot on my plate and committing to something like this would probably not be smart. I was trying to be nice about turning down her “service” but then she did something that blindsided me, she took at shot at my ego.
Her: “If this is something you can’t afford I understand.”
Whoa, wait a second, what about me says I can’t afford this? Do I look poor? Are you saying I don’t earn enough? All these things come flying into my head. The hair on the back of my balls stands up and I whip out the credit card, “Sign me up.”
I filled out the paperwork and then went on my merry way, proud that I showed this lady that I could afford her measly service. But with each step I took away from the door, logic, who was just sat on by the 400-pound ego, began to crawl out from under ego’s giant ass to talk. Logic reminded me that there was no reason for me to sign up for this service and that I just sat there for an hour bashing everything that had been going on in my head. But because she took a shot at my ego I wiped all of that out. I realized at that point that I had turned into Marty McFly when he gets called a chicken in Back to the Future.
The next day I send in my cancellation notice and asking for a refund, which took two months to get. (Even though in the contract it states it would take ten business days.) Over those two months I sent in seven e-mails, made two phone calls, and her show got canceled. Apparently A&E was on board with what I was thinking. Still though my curiosity of what type of girls I would have met through the service burns at me. Because for $1,000 I better have fireworks shoot out of my ass when I get a blowjob from one of these girls… err… I mean I should find true love.
For the life of me I can’t imagine an attractive, intelligent, sexually deviant woman walking through those doors and saying she can’t find a man. I think I am better off for never knowing…
What would you rather spend $1,000 on besides a crappy match making service?
On 02/7/08 at 7:26 am
TTFK said:
Actually, No-Kids clubs ARE needed.
I am just like that guy. I have no children, nor do I ever want any. At 32, I have already debated for several years, and am going through with, getting snipped.
When other “normal” people hear that you don’t want kids, they look at you with the “How DARE YOU?!” stare and start thinking you are some kind of nutcase. To them, it is unfathomable that any “sane” person wouldn’t want at LEAST 2-3 kids running around.
I tried several of the dating services over the years, including Match, eHarmony, and most other major ones. One thing I learned is that the more vocal you are about NOT wanting kids, the more you get matches of people that want to turn themselves into the fucking Brady Bunch. eHarmony was the worst for this. Not more than 24 hours after finishing my profile and paying up for 3 months, my “no kids is a HIGH priority” profile garnered me a handful of matches that either already had multiple children or they wanted to start doing their rabbit impression as soon as possible.
On 02/7/08 at 7:31 am
Kevin said:
LOL, come on though you totally can go through life without wanting to have kids without having to join a social club to show your belief in it. Isn’t that going a tad bit far?
It would be like me joining a fat people shouldn’t wear thongs club. While I have that belief do I really need to go meet with other people that share it?
On 02/7/08 at 11:52 am
Ally said:
I dont think there is a damn thing wrong with someone not wanting kids as long as they actually do something to prevent having them lol Good for you TTFK!
On 02/7/08 at 8:22 am
Meghan said:
I’d rather spend $1000 on scratch tickets just for the HOPE of winning enough money to travel towards the man of my dreams(even though some of my dreams involving men are highly questionable, and probably FREE).
On 02/7/08 at 9:16 am
Kevin said:
Scratch off tickets are a pain in the ass… I would rather just go and play blackjack and watch my money trickle away before me.
On 02/11/08 at 10:35 am
supernik said:
you dont really have to scratch them, all you have to do is have the gas station guy beep them in the machine. i hate scrathers and my aunt buys them for me on birthdays, gotta see if i win!
On 02/7/08 at 8:25 am
Meghan said:
And the hair on the back of your balls standing up thing is definitely a line I am going to steal, and use on friends! LOL!
On 02/7/08 at 9:16 am
Kevin said:
You can steal it
On 02/7/08 at 8:51 am
cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
You don’t wax your balls? You strike me as a waxer.
I would rather spend $1000 on ANYTHING than a dating service
On 02/7/08 at 9:17 am
Kevin said:
I am a trimer
On 02/11/08 at 10:37 am
supernik said:
thank god! i was worried about our sex life once we get married!
On 02/7/08 at 8:59 am
April said:
No kids clubs ? wtf i didn’t even know they had those. I wonder why they need support. I understand there are people out there having tons of kids and not supporting them. But to go as far to make clubs and having weekling meetings like it is AA wtf is that?
I would probabl spend the $1000.00 dollars on naughty items LOL!
On 02/7/08 at 9:00 am
April said:
akk probably sorry for typo
On 02/7/08 at 9:18 am
Kevin said:
Naughty… like dirty pictures of Bea Arthur?
On 02/7/08 at 9:20 am
April said:
lol no..Naughty items to enhance sexual pleasure of me and my partner..Basically items he can rip off me
On 02/7/08 at 9:07 am
sporkgasm said:
you referenced electric boogaloo and immediately i couldn’t read what you wrote. i just saw you breakdancing up the walls instead.
On 02/7/08 at 9:19 am
Kevin said:
I couldn’t think of a name for the blog so that just seemed to work
On 02/7/08 at 9:25 am
penny lane said:
You had me at “electric boogaloo”. And as far as you being a TOTAL man, and falling for the “If this is something you can’t afford, I understand”, all I can say is, in the infamous words of Biff Tannen, you should have made like a tree and gotten out of there. Also, no attractive person needs to spend $1,000 to get a date, unless you have some unsightly goider that you manage to mask in all of you photos. Spend $1,000 in Vegas at a casino, and get head from a cocktail waitress like everyone else. Sparks may indeed fly out of your ass…but I forget, you don’t like waitresses.
On 02/7/08 at 9:32 am
CGoatP said:
play dough, maybe gak…
On 02/7/08 at 9:35 am
Meghan said:
Are people really so insecure with their choices that they join anti-kids clubs? Do they really need that level of validation? What the hell do you discuss? How you’ll NEVER change a diaper? How you won’t EVER be late for work because the school bus didn’t show up on time? That’s the most miserable fucking thing I ever heard of! Yes, club members, please - don’t have children! It’s clear you shouldn’t.
On 02/7/08 at 9:35 am
em em said:
You know, what’s bugged me the whole time about this lady is that you’d be on her t.v. show, yet you had to pay. Seems weird, I always thought they paid for your dates on those shows. The no kids club is funny, but somehow I think it was a guy who saw how much it irritated this woman that he didn’t want kids and he decided to over exaggerate to get on her nerves.
On 02/7/08 at 9:47 am
Meghan said:
EXACTLY! We should get paid for everything on these shows! A no kids club is strictly to be either an aggressive prick, or a woman trying to trick an aggressive prick into marriage so she can complain about wanting kids later!
On 02/7/08 at 10:02 am
Rasmenia said:
What would I rather spend $1,000 on? Bacon. Guinness & bacon - the end result would be much more satisfying, though I still don’t see the fireworks out the ass thing happening.
On 02/7/08 at 10:06 am
Kevin said:
You eat enough bacon and drink enough Guinness anything is possible.
On 02/7/08 at 6:26 pm
Sophia Sturges said:
You had me at bacon…but Guinness too? Le sigh.
On 02/7/08 at 10:20 am
Meghan said:
WHY is ‘fireworks out the ass’ the qualifier for men? I don’t get it. Seriously? I’ve given extremely well received head and didn’t have to check if the sheets were flammable. Fireworks out the ass belongs in one place, and one place only - You Tube!
On 02/7/08 at 10:32 am
Midleah said:
I’d spend my grand on bringing Miss Cleo back~
On 02/7/08 at 11:04 am
Tori said:
If I had an extra $1000, I would spend it hiring someone to kick my former uncle’s ass for being a fucking piece of shit. In fact, I might try to find someone to do it for $500 and a blow job.
On 02/7/08 at 11:14 am
Andrea said:
Shit you can get a decent blow job for less than $100 and have $900 left over to go on vacation somewhere…makes a lot more sense to me. Either that or use your $1000 for a mail order bride…then you’d have fee blow jobs for life, meals on the table every night, a forever clean house, foot rubs nightly, and you don’t even have to be nice to her.
On 02/7/08 at 12:52 pm
Nicole said:
I’ve heard of clubs for couples that don’t want kids called the “no kids club”. Where you meet with other couples and go out and travel, etc. But never for just single men to join. LOL Just go get snipped if you don’t want kids. I’m glad you got your refund, she sounds like a quack. If you aren’t ready to settle down yet you don’t need to be on those shows or sites.
On 02/7/08 at 6:27 pm
Sophia Sturges said:
This whole blog was made by that picture of Michael J. Fox. Hilarious.
On 02/7/08 at 7:57 pm
Dee said:
She’s probably some dumb bitch who been married 5 times (if not more) and divorced blaming it on her ex-hubsband for not having the qualities she wanted and I’m sure she told him about herself “honestly” too. Well we all know how that goes.
On 02/7/08 at 9:12 pm
Mandy said:
I would rather spend $1000 on anything other than a mathcmaking service, Kevin.
On 02/8/08 at 11:31 am
Tiffany P. said:
i’d spend 1,000 dollars on a new hood for my car.
On 02/10/08 at 5:43 pm
Lorrie said:
Great posts on the matchmaker show. I think I’m going to use her line the next time I meet with a client in my business. I’m all about getting someone to act on ego alone. LOL
On 02/11/08 at 10:04 am
patrick said:
a thousand dollars doesnt sound bad too me a divorce lawyer cost me 250 dollars a hour and that service was deffinitly not getting me laid did get me screwed though go figure
On 02/11/08 at 10:43 am
supernik said:
i would spend $1000 on, um somethings at priscillas, and a room full of balls(like the playplace balls)
On 04/1/08 at 2:25 pm
Erica said:
It’s really hard for people who don’t want kids to find likeminded people to date, just like any other minority. I haven’t actually joined “No Kidding” (by the way, it’s not an “anti-kids club”, it’s a “we personally don’t want kids” club) but I have considered it - not to sit around and bitch about children, but just to find a single man in his 30s who wants to get married but doesn’t want babies.
I don’t see that it’s any different from joining a religious singles club, looking for someone who shares certain values that you simply cannot compromise on.
On 07/3/08 at 4:12 pm
Grooveyone said:
Why are most of the comments on here from women? Are they looking for dates or attention?