To read the first part of this series, click here.
We left off with Patti Novak, the star of the reality show Confessions of a Matchmaker, talking about all the things I wasn’t allowed to talk about when I was on a date. She then shifted to politics and asked where I stood on some issues, which then turned into ten minutes of her giving me her own political leanings. I now know the official stance that she has on illegal immigration, let me just say that this talk had me biting my tongue and cringing at some of the terminology she used. At this point I was convinced that this lady wasn’t going to get a dime of my money. In fact I was trying to figure out a way not to stand up and toss her out of the window.
There was one interesting thing she did talk about. One applicant that had met with her earlier in the day was rejected because she didn’t really think he was a good fit, which I found a little curious. I asked her why she rejected him and she told me that he was against having kids, so much in fact he joined an anti-kids club. Like signed up for a membership, goes to meetings, and participated in a club for and about guys that were against having kids. Who the hell does that? I mean I get not wanting to have kids but to join a club about it? What the hell is the point? Do you need support on your stance of not wanting to have kids? Is it an addiction? Is it some magical club with so much fun and good times that you can’t pass it up? What is the deal with that?
After we finished talking about the no kids club she had to go take care of a few things paper work wise for something else and left me in her office, she gave me a book of letters and pictures of people that were satisfied with her service to peruse. I knew this was a total sales technique but I found it interesting to look at the people that were included in this book. This got me thinking for a second though, what if she does know what she is doing? But then logic stepped into my brain and pissed all over the hopeless romantic. Logic pointed out that if I wanted I probably could have been married at three different points in my life, logic also clearly pointed out saying that this service isn’t for you. Then logic bitch slapped me and reminded me that I was here for material not to be swayed by the Miss Cleo of dating.
Patti returned and asked me if I wanted to sign up… She explained that I had four business days to leave the service once it started if I wanted, and she would be calling me in two days with my first three matches. Also she explained that usually she offered classes with her service about how to dress, personal appearance, and how to hold a conversation but she felt like I didn’t need that service. (One of the oddest backhanded compliments I have ever received in my life.) She then put out the contract in front of me and asked me if I was interested. I hemmed and hawed explaining that I had a lot on my plate and committing to something like this would probably not be smart. I was trying to be nice about turning down her “service” but then she did something that blindsided me, she took at shot at my ego.
Her: “If this is something you can’t afford I understand.”
Whoa, wait a second, what about me says I can’t afford this? Do I look poor? Are you saying I don’t earn enough? All these things come flying into my head. The hair on the back of my balls stands up and I whip out the credit card, “Sign me up.”
I filled out the paperwork and then went on my merry way, proud that I showed this lady that I could afford her measly service. But with each step I took away from the door, logic, who was just sat on by the 400-pound ego, began to crawl out from under ego’s giant ass to talk. Logic reminded me that there was no reason for me to sign up for this service and that I just sat there for an hour bashing everything that had been going on in my head. But because she took a shot at my ego I wiped all of that out. I realized at that point that I had turned into Marty McFly when he gets called a chicken in Back to the Future.
The next day I send in my cancellation notice and asking for a refund, which took two months to get. (Even though in the contract it states it would take ten business days.) Over those two months I sent in seven e-mails, made two phone calls, and her show got canceled. Apparently A&E was on board with what I was thinking. Still though my curiosity of what type of girls I would have met through the service burns at me. Because for $1,000 I better have fireworks shoot out of my ass when I get a blowjob from one of these girls… err… I mean I should find true love.
For the life of me I can’t imagine an attractive, intelligent, sexually deviant woman walking through those doors and saying she can’t find a man. I think I am better off for never knowing…
What would you rather spend $1,000 on besides a crappy match making service?