Matchmaker my ass part 2 is going to have to wait a day or so because I have it half written and I am lazy about finishing it.
The one site that I tried out that I haven’t really talked about was match.com. I really don’t have any complete horror stories about people from there; I met a lot of nice girls and even dated a few for a short period of time. There were even one or two girls I could potentially have a relationship with if I wasn’t so focused on school and work. However I want to recap some lessons that I learned about the site and about what I want from a girl because if match.com did teach me anything it was what I didn’t want in a girl.
Lesson 1- About average is the most misleading term ever
When someone puts body type and uses the “about average” selection that apparently can mean that they are rail thin to 40 pounds overweight. I’m not slamming people for using that term because I mean it is so open. What is average? At what point are you no longer “about” average? When you use “about” as a qualifier what exactly is about? I propose them switching to a different scale like this:
Super Model Weight
Renee Zellweger Before Bridget Jones Diary
Renee Zellweger During Bridget Jones Diary
The mom from Home Improvement
The Mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
I think that is a scale that is a little more accurate and everyone can relate to because it gives us a visual interpretation. I would do one for men as well because this applies to us but I would hate to point my powers of perception at myself and damage my ego that would lead to a week of tell my why I am great posts. Nobody wants that.
Lesson 2- Girls are ready to commit on there, almost at an unstable level
If you get to the point that you go on three dates you are in a relationship if you know it or not. By the forth date on match.com women are ready to leave their toothbrush and tampons at your house. I used match.com at one point when I lived in California and I met one girl that on the second date told me that I was the type of guy she could marry. That freaked me out and I was looking for the exit door but I figured I could probably sleep with her and honestly sailor had been out to sea way too long. (Don’t judge I have needs.)
Of course she called me that week and told me that she had concert tickets up in San Francisco, where she was from originally. I was told that we could go up to the concert and stay with her friends for free. Instead of walking away from her and hiding in fear because of the marriage thing I figured that I would go to the concert and see how things went. Well her friend’s house turned out to be her parents’ house, where I was told that they were excited to meet me and heard a lot about me. Um, this was like our fourth date.
I didn’t have anything that extreme from this time around but I will say red flags shot up more than once. When you have a third date and then start getting shit because you don’t call, text, or e-mail at least once a day you have a problem.
Lesson 3- Second date is the sex date
I don’t want to come on here and sound like I fucked half of the greater Buffalo region or anything like that because I didn’t. But if you make it to a second date off of match.com you are getting laid, unless that date is a total disaster. It got to the point where you just know it is going to happen, you could be at a bar and it could be like 11pm, you just look at your date and say, “We should go.” There is no debate; they just like run out the door. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they do the bra trick on the way out the door taking it off under their shirt. It was amazing to me.
Lessons I learned about what I don’t want in a girl
I can’t date a girl that is a bigger sports fan than me- I like sports, I like them a lot but I will watch all major sports and not really latch onto a team where I have to watch EVERY game they play. At first I found it kind of cute then I realized that it was more of an obsession, which kind of freaked me out.
I don’t know if I can date teachers- They have entirely way too much extra time in their day. I pretty much get up and go to work the same time they do but they are off of work 3 hours before I am. When you add school into the mix they are home at least five hours before me. That gives them WAY too much time to think, and over think, and analyze… Leading to crazy e-mails and nasty voice mails asking me about how I really feel about them or why I haven’t called. Of course the last time I saw them was two days ago.
I don’t know if I can date anyone that is a waitress- Now there is nothing wrong with being a waitress or bartending, I know people that do it as a career. But I went on a date with a few girls that weren’t in school and were just waiting tables; it was impossible to talk about work in any fashion with them. I think having a career type job and working in a restaurant has two different types of pressure, my job has the day to day pressure but also an overall long term pressure about my career and the health of the company along with my impact on that health. Waiting tables you look at making it through the dinner rush without pissing anyone off, which is highly stressful and require skill but it is just two different worlds.
Christ, this may be the most shallow blog post I have ever written. But I guess at least it is honest. I think I should pull the eject button now, not that I can make myself look like any bigger an asshole than I already do.
What lessons have you learned in dating what you don’t want in another person?