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Looking for love in all the wrong places- Match.com

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/6/08 @ 7:30 am

Matchmaker my ass part 2 is going to have to wait a day or so because I have it half written and I am lazy about finishing it.

The one site that I tried out that I haven’t really talked about was match.com. I really don’t have any complete horror stories about people from there; I met a lot of nice girls and even dated a few for a short period of time. There were even one or two girls I could potentially have a relationship with if I wasn’t so focused on school and work. However I want to recap some lessons that I learned about the site and about what I want from a girl because if match.com did teach me anything it was what I didn’t want in a girl.

Lesson 1- About average is the most misleading term ever

When someone puts body type and uses the “about average” selection that apparently can mean that they are rail thin to 40 pounds overweight. I’m not slamming people for using that term because I mean it is so open. What is average? At what point are you no longer “about” average? When you use “about” as a qualifier what exactly is about? I propose them switching to a different scale like this:

Nicole Richie
Super Model Weight
Renee Zellweger Before Bridget Jones Diary
Renee Zellweger During Bridget Jones Diary
The mom from Home Improvement
The Mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

I think that is a scale that is a little more accurate and everyone can relate to because it gives us a visual interpretation. I would do one for men as well because this applies to us but I would hate to point my powers of perception at myself and damage my ego that would lead to a week of tell my why I am great posts. Nobody wants that.


Lesson 2- Girls are ready to commit on there, almost at an unstable level

If you get to the point that you go on three dates you are in a relationship if you know it or not. By the forth date on match.com women are ready to leave their toothbrush and tampons at your house. I used match.com at one point when I lived in California and I met one girl that on the second date told me that I was the type of guy she could marry. That freaked me out and I was looking for the exit door but I figured I could probably sleep with her and honestly sailor had been out to sea way too long. (Don’t judge I have needs.)

Of course she called me that week and told me that she had concert tickets up in San Francisco, where she was from originally. I was told that we could go up to the concert and stay with her friends for free. Instead of walking away from her and hiding in fear because of the marriage thing I figured that I would go to the concert and see how things went. Well her friend’s house turned out to be her parents’ house, where I was told that they were excited to meet me and heard a lot about me. Um, this was like our fourth date.

I didn’t have anything that extreme from this time around but I will say red flags shot up more than once. When you have a third date and then start getting shit because you don’t call, text, or e-mail at least once a day you have a problem.

Lesson 3- Second date is the sex date

I don’t want to come on here and sound like I fucked half of the greater Buffalo region or anything like that because I didn’t. But if you make it to a second date off of match.com you are getting laid, unless that date is a total disaster. It got to the point where you just know it is going to happen, you could be at a bar and it could be like 11pm, you just look at your date and say, “We should go.” There is no debate; they just like run out the door. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they do the bra trick on the way out the door taking it off under their shirt. It was amazing to me.

Lessons I learned about what I don’t want in a girl

I can’t date a girl that is a bigger sports fan than me- I like sports, I like them a lot but I will watch all major sports and not really latch onto a team where I have to watch EVERY game they play. At first I found it kind of cute then I realized that it was more of an obsession, which kind of freaked me out.

I don’t know if I can date teachers- They have entirely way too much extra time in their day. I pretty much get up and go to work the same time they do but they are off of work 3 hours before I am. When you add school into the mix they are home at least five hours before me. That gives them WAY too much time to think, and over think, and analyze… Leading to crazy e-mails and nasty voice mails asking me about how I really feel about them or why I haven’t called. Of course the last time I saw them was two days ago.


I don’t know if I can date anyone that is a waitress- Now there is nothing wrong with being a waitress or bartending, I know people that do it as a career. But I went on a date with a few girls that weren’t in school and were just waiting tables; it was impossible to talk about work in any fashion with them. I think having a career type job and working in a restaurant has two different types of pressure, my job has the day to day pressure but also an overall long term pressure about my career and the health of the company along with my impact on that health. Waiting tables you look at making it through the dinner rush without pissing anyone off, which is highly stressful and require skill but it is just two different worlds.

Christ, this may be the most shallow blog post I have ever written. But I guess at least it is honest. I think I should pull the eject button now, not that I can make myself look like any bigger an asshole than I already do.

What lessons have you learned in dating what you don’t want in another person?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

50 Responses to “Looking for love in all the wrong places- Match.com”

  1. Meghan says:

    The Comedian. Not the funny guy, LOVE the funny guy – but the actual Stand Up Comedian. I dated one last year and I thought his job was so cool and hip, blah. I now think most good comedians are good because they have to be some of the most fucked up, twisted, insecure people on the planet. Which – I guess makes them so funny. Tragedy makes us laugh, not stability. At least I got the last laugh.

  2. cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    Shallow is good. I’m with you on the waitress/bartender thing. Or anyone over 10 years or more younger than me. The IDEA of a 24 year old is cool the realty is not. But I might try it again. I like to collect tropheys

  3. Marjorie says:

    The needy ones that come to your job or any other place that you are, just to make sure you are not lying. Or the major geek ones that make you wear their extra star trek uniform to bake in.

  4. Gern says:

    This post reminds me of a rule of thumb that my father taught me:

    When you go out to dinner for the first time with somebody, watch how they treat the waiter. Because in a month thats how they will treat you.

    It worked for me, my wife is extremely nice to waiters.

  5. Fiona says:

    Don’t marry (I guess you would have to date them first) stupid people, it gives you kids with learning difficulties and brings down the curve. Seriously. I want to bang my head against a wall and I’m feverishly wishing my ex had had an IQ… any at all really. Fuck.

  6. April says:

    I’m nice to waiters until they don’t refill my glass within 10-15 minutes and they are up their chatting with their friendsall i see then is my tip reducing for them. What i have i learned about dating i don’t want someone who is in a dead in job really and then says oh well i’m looking for another job but makes excuses on why they can’t apply for certain jobs. I haven’t signed up for any dating sites but i did meet my current boyfriend thru myspace. And i did go out on a date with another guy on there who turned out to be werid and wanted me to kiss him right when i met him yeah umm no. I wasn’t feeling a spark anyway, so my mouth didn’t get near anything. Oh and then he complained about paying for the date even though i said i will pay my half. I hate complainers like that! Oh and big one i don’t want someone who drinks and drives..i.e. werid guy that i went one one day with and then he had a shit fit when i said i was talking to my current boyfriend i thought he was going to have a heart attack or something.

  7. David says:

    Nurses…….Just don’t do it. I dated one for some time and I came to the conclusion that their job is not conducive to developing a relationship. I have an extreme amount of respect for what they do, but their emotional rollercoaster will make you go insane. As a matter of fact, I’ll tone it down and just say nurses that work in hospitals. At the end of the day you end up becoming a verbal punching bag.

  8. RickHattonGirl says:

    Is this about me? Kevin? Kevin? Kevinnnnn!!!!!!????

  9. Josh says:

    I learned all I need to know about Waitresses watching Twin Peaks. They marry convicts and have woman beating husbands.


    I’ve learned all I need to know about teachers from watching the 10 PM news.

  10. Qelqoth says:

    Just to let you know that I haven’t removed you from my blogroll…I’ve just moved the blogroll to another part of my site. This is because I wanted extra space in my sidebar to accomodate for the new web forum I installed recently, that’s all.

  11. Aaron says:

    I’ve dated a few cheerleaders, some people may say “wow, nice”, but really, I almost shot myself each time. They are overly excited about being in a relationship, and overly dramatic about every detail. Now this may have been the particular girls I’ve dated, but now, as hard as this is, I’m boycotting cheerleaders.

  12. Matty says:

    I need to get laid. Match.com here I come. Hopefully I can get a real looker, get to that second date with someone that would be classified as Mrs. Grape.

    Or do I need to go to Buffalo to make that one happen?

  13. em em says:

    I don’t want to ever date another person who’s standards don’t apply to themselves. I dated a bigger guy who was disgusted by bigger girls as if he wasn’t very obviously overweight himself. I’d never date someone who spends more time in the bathroom primping than I do, and I’d never date another gigantic momma’s boy (actually in this case his “mom” was his grandma that raised) who suggests that you take cooking lessons from her so you can cook what he likes. No.

  14. Harry P says:

    I’ve learned that I can’t date a girl with a penis.

  15. SweetNess! says:

    “not that I can make myself look like any bigger an asshole than I already do.”


  16. James says:

    waitresses are fucked in the head. avoid them at all cost

  17. Bridget says:

    From my experience, I will never date a car salesman ever again. They are exceptionally good at pulling one over on you. On another note, it’s funny you mentioned you couldn’t commit to a relationship because of school and work. I’ve tried explaining that to guys before and they just don’t get it. They usually think it’s an excuse.

  18. That Guy says:

    I’m a chef, i got the restaurant thing and the career thing going at once.
    and you’re 100% right about waitresses/bartenders.
    mentally unstable as all hell. but they do serve as a very very aggressive lay, and i like that in a woman.

  19. supernik says:

    i met this one guy on plentyoffish.com (site for the people who dont want to pay- also some total weirdos) he changed all of his online profiles to “in a relationship” took down his personal site everything, i asked him why he went and did that, he said that it was because he only wanted to date one person at a time, so i figured he was odd but whatever, then, he started telling me how he missed me, (we had messaged each other twice by then, not gotten to the part to talking on the phone)i freaked out, that is way too much commitment way too fast, i think once most people reach the online dating stage in life they just try to settle down. i dont know but here in kansas it seems that all the online dating site people are also potheads, not that there is anything wrong with that but for some reason they dont mention it.

    • chrishazzoo says:

      It seems as though this problem is not only with women. I had the same problem with men. I just want to know how many men think 5′7″ is really close to 5′9″ or 5′10″? I am only 5′4.75″ so when I believed a guy I met was 5′9″+, I wore my 3 inch heels. Needless to say, I was not pleased when my petite self was taller then my date. I could have worn my more comfortable flat shoes. Same thing goes with committment. Not being in a committed relationship for practically 12 years, I wasn’t quite all for jumping in with both feet. But, some of the guys I met were. Some telling me to “make a choice” after 2 weeks, when I was dating multiple people, etc. Scary. I now know why it is so easy for women to take advantage of men “the so called nice guys”…they place their necks and wallets on a chopping block too early on…just ripe for the picking. Oh, I changed my profile from average build (or a few extra pounds) to slim upon feedback from my dates. Apparently, a few extra pounds really means being 60+ pounds overweight. Not just 10.

  20. shannon says:

    I have never really dated??? I was with my “first love” from 14 to 25 and then I met my soon to be X husband when I was 26.. until 36. So I guess soon I will have to face the dating scene and I’m truly not sure what to expect. I’m actually a lot terrified.

    and HEY I cocktailed waitressed for nine years… well I did sports marketing for Don Shula while I waitressed and I went to school. I guess I’m pretty well rounded. lol… sounds like I’m selling myself.. Fuck match.com. lol

    Great blog… not shallow at all!

  21. 2manycatslady says:

    I went on one of those sites and filled it out like I was some sort of monster. To the question.”Do you like children?” I answered, “Yes, especially with mustard!” I said I only wanted to date African Americans who were over 7 feet tall. I told them I was a Druid for religion. I said my hobbies were to get on tall buildings and practice sharpshooting, going frog gigging, and trying to think of a way to appeal Charles Manson’s convictions.
    THEY SENT ME MATCHES!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? There were people who wanted someone like me. Probably someone who would have beaten me senseless and thrown me into the Missouri River to drown, but they sent me MATCHES!!!
    I don’t trust dating services. God knows who they would send you on a date with. If they sent me guys to date I hate to think about whose application they would reject.

  22. [...] – Pam Oliver’s Banana Sleuthing Brahsome – Random Bobby Knight Thoughts Pointless Banter – Looking for love in all the wrong places- Match.com Bright Black Internet – Jennifer Anistons Hot Ass on 205th – Hollwood finally discovers Karolina [...]

  23. T says:

    Jeez, it’s a good thing you are on the way to being a fat cat, because no one is ever going to date/marry you for your charms, K.

  24. Beth says:

    That was fantastic!!! I LOVE your rating scale!!! It’s a lot easier to find out what you don’t want..to get what you want. The process of elimination is easier! I loved this blog..and I’m sure your girl is out there!

  25. Rob says:

    I feel you man, the internet may be good for lots of things but when it comes to the ladies the traditional ways are the way to go.

  26. Tiffany P. says:

    i want children, but i didn’t want the guy i was dating to have any.

    if he was GREAT and happened to have kids, the only way i could break rule no.1 was if the mom was permanently out of the picture. like dead. life in prison would be good, too.

    ex-wives are one thing, but “baby-mama drama” is an absolute deal-breaker.

  27. Miss. K says:

    I’ve been there and done this… try craigslist.com. I met my fiancee there after three posted ads (about three weeks total) and it was his first time posting and my third.. not too bad. Just give it a whirl and let us know how it went. =)

  28. Me says:

    I used match.com for a while…all i found was a bunch of creepy stalkers or people who were 15 years older than me wanting to date me

  29. patrick says:

    Well i will never ever date a man hating lesbo. the last one cost me 300,000 estimated cost of course. I cant even watch lesbo porn with out crying why lord why

  30. talisa says:

    good teachers have 100% no time to do anything except eat and shit.


  31. Just want to add a word or two about stand up comedians. There’s a kind of person much worse than a stand-up comedian, and I’m not even mentioning mimes. People involved with improv theater are the lowest life forms out there. All they want to do is make a joke in every sentence, failing every time, and then when you give up and stop trying, they invite you to see their improv group. Bastards.

  32. Grooveyone says:

    Teachers actually don’t just get off work at 3. They stay behind at school and do paperwork, lesson planning and research. Many take their work home. Some have to get a second job to supplement income.

    Who you dated were probably bad teachers.


    I thought the ads were cute and maybe there is a chance to find love. BULLSH T you know. Their free weekend thing, oh how wonderful for thos that want to look and seem to be on MATCH.COM, but no there are only looking for free. They can’t be contacted becasue they are not subcribers. WOw it looks like someone in my area has simialer intrests as I do and has the same likes. BUT NO, they are just looking at match.com for the free weekend. They are just suckers helping someone get more suckers to subcribe to MATCH.COM.

    I just received a bill today for a renewal for $101.94, i unsubcribed when I didnt get my 6 months for free. I followed the rules to a TEE. I was even not able to access my account after the first six months was over, thinking that it was done and over I stopped going there. Then a bill for $101.94 for something I would not spend a dime on now.

    I called to cancel it on the phone and guess what, i was told that i as unsubcribed now and i cant get my money back. I was told i would have my subcription for 6 months. And get no refund. I told them I want a refund of my money and I want to talk to his superviser.
    I got my refund I hope, only time will tell though.


  34. An article nearly 2 years old and still 100% on the money!!!

    Thanks so much for the Laughs!!!!

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