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Looking For Love in All The Wrong Places- Matchmaker My Ass

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/5/08 @ 7:05 am

It is time to start finishing up my dating series, looking for love in all the wrong places. When I started the series I wanted to try various websites in order to land a date and compare the women of these sites versus women I met in the real world. As this progressed I received a ton of e-mails from people suggesting other sites that I should be apart of including some pretty odd niche sites. There was one e-mail though that was really interesting, I was told that I should try to get on the reality TV show Confessions of a Matchmaker which is filmed here in Buffalo.

Being the self promotional whore that I am I figured that I could wear a pointlessbanter.net t-shirt on every date that I went on, reference the site every five minutes, and reap tons of traffic. Or I could go on there and show off that I am the tortured bachelor and maybe have it lead to an upgrade to the show the Bachelor where I can hold rose ceremonies and laugh at girls that didn’t get a rose.   I would love to boot girls off the show and totally destroy their reputations while doing it, “You should have swallowed, no rose for you.”

Girl: But I didn’t even go down on you.

Me: Sure you didn’t, sure you didn’t. Let America be the judge you non-swallowing trollop.

Patti NovakAnyways, I filled out the online application and ended up getting a call a few weeks after where I did a phone interview. The interview was with a new girl on their staff, she had to be in her mid twenties and we had a good conversation, I essentially just spurted back everything I have written about here and the horrors of dating. She liked me and we scheduled a time for me to come in and meet the owner Patti Novak, the star of Confessions of a Matchmaker.

When I arrived I had to fill out a shit load of paper work and take a survey, I talked about one of the inane questions before in this blog. After I finished the survey I was called into Patti’s office where we had about an hour conversation. Patti poured through my application and we talked about dating, she complimented me on my looks and told me that I seemed like a good catch. She said there were no red flags on my application and then proceeded to tell me how things worked.

She would select the girls I would date as she matched them up by my likes and dislikes. Patti would essentially give me a run down of three girls a month, I would get their phone numbers and I would call them to go out on dates. We couldn’t talk more than five minutes on the phone because she said that it would build false expectations and ruin the date. We were to meet in public and she suggested that TGI Fridays was the perfect place, and probably harped on that point like four time. Apparently there were no other dining establishments in Buffalo except TGI Fridays and magic would happen if we went there. Their square mozzarella sticks are a natural aphrodisiac I guess. The next day after the date we both would call her and give our review, if we both liked each other she would give us permission to call each other one more time and setup another date. After that date we would wait a little bit, do the call to her again and then she would let us go off on our own and date freely.

Now she was going to base who I should date off a bullshit questionnaire that asked me what type of animal I would want on an island. Call me cynical but that isn’t exactly the type of questions I want my potential date to be answering. I was more concerned with important things like: do you have a hunchback?

It was all fine and good I guess, it is a match making service after all, I had to keep an open mind. Things sounded mildly interesting until the conversation progressed. Patti said that it was also her job to tell her clients how to date and how to handle themselves on a date. She went through my application and started talking to me about certain points that should be presented in certain ways.

Religion: On my application I told her I was agnostic, she brought this up and said that girls would not want to date a guy that didn’t list a religion because it shows that they have no faith and probably wouldn’t settle down. How these two things are related I have no idea. She asked me what religion I was when I was growing up and I told her Catholic. Then she changed my form to say “non practicing Catholic.” I was told that it would make me more attractive to potential dates. In under three minutes apparently my entire belief system had been changed.


Grad School: She grilled me about what I was doing in grad school and what I wanted to do when I got out. I told her that I wanted to consult and that I could work from anywhere in the country. Immediately she flipped out and said that I can’t tell a girl that I might leave the area when I am done with school. I replied to her saying that I could end up with a new media job in Hollywood or NYC that would be paying disgusting money. Considering most of the girls she was going to set me up with were teachers or nurses I didn’t see the problem. She said that most girls would have established careers and wouldn’t want to uproot it for a guy, I disagreed with her based on simple logic. I think a 175K year discrepancy between their pay and mine would kind of be a selling point along with a move out of Buffalo. Apparently not according to her, I don’t know if I would want to date a girl that didn’t understand math. I was told never to talk to girls about leaving the area.

Family: I told her that kids weren’t really on my radar right now that I had so much going on professionally that my goals were set on that. She told me that a lot of the girls I would be going on dates with weren’t there to date and were looking to settle down, so I could be expecting the call for a family within three years. She told me not to mention my hesitancy to start a family within the next three years because it would be seen as a sign of non-commitment.

At this point I had to present myself with a different value system, lie about my future plans, and give people total false expectations in order to sell myself on these dates. Personally my problem isn’t what to say on a date it is finding the correct girl I should be on the date with, I don’t know if I would want to date someone that had expectations that were false on a dating profile that was essentially no longer me. Of course the best part of all this is that I would have to pay $1000 to establish myself as a total fraud and be set up with girls that had the wrong information about me. Paying a grand to lie and to be lied to really sounded like a sound investment….

Tomorrow Part 2: Politics, more conversations about religion, and did I sign up?

Do I sign up or do I not?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

53 Responses to “Looking For Love in All The Wrong Places- Matchmaker My Ass”

  1. Marjorie says:

    Yes, sign up. Because if you don’t, she will stalk you until you do. I have seen it happen, its very scary.

  2. Meghan says:

    Be honest, shoot from the hip! Don’t do it! And I gave my own little name to Non Practicing Catholics YEARS ago – Episco-patheists! All you are doing is finding a way to spend minutes from your life and dinner money you will never get back.

  3. Tenacious D says:

    Ah Kevin…give me the $1,000 and I will listen to all your truths.

  4. Bridget says:

    It would be a waste of time and money if you are not going to be honest to your dates from the beginning. Save your cash, and when you do find that lady friend who decides to live in Buffalo (or wherever) and you are off in NYC/LA, why don’t you use the money to send her fun little presents to get her by when you aren’t around?

  5. Jessica says:

    DO NOT I repeat DO NOT do this. This woman is crazy and she puts Buffalo to shame. TGI Fridays? TGI Fridays?

    In one year you could easily buy $1000 worth of drinks for girls in bars and probably find a better candidate…and if anything at least get a lot of ass.

    So I say throw the $1K at alcohol and really good sex…now that is a sound investment

  6. Angie says:

    Yes, yes sign up! I am selfish and want to hear all the hysterical stories!

    Of course, it’s not my grand.

    [total bullshit, you should do an expose on this woman!]

    • Kevin says:

      I think I am already kind of doing an expose, I am sure I will come up on the front page of google when you look up her name

  7. Duane says:

    I don’t know, I think women really enjoy being lied to for a few years until marriage so that they can have something to complain about when you tell them how you really aren’t a theist, want to move somewhere else, and don’t want kids for a while. It gives them satisfaction that you just can’t get with honesty.

  8. em em says:

    If she was controlling your app, she would probably tell you that you couldn’t wear whatever you wanted to so self promotion would probably be right out. I wouldn’t do it, but then, I’m not a single guy with extra time on my hands, so your take on things might be different. =)

  9. Mel says:

    I noticed this site was listed on one of the iterations of the “Big Bang” meme.

    In order to get onto the “Big Bang” master list you will have to post the list somewhere on your site(s) first. There is no need to tag anyone, just post it.
    Follow this link and copy/paste the list into a post on your site. Add your site(s) at the end of the list and then let me know and I will immediately add
    you to the master list.

    Let me know when you have posted the list on this site(s) and then I will add you to the master list, which will enable your link to spread to the other
    sites on the list.

  10. Jess says:

    First off… trollop is one of the best words in the english language props for the refrence… i say the bitch doesn’t know what she’s talkin about, hold out for your own version of the bachelor

  11. April says:

    Well if it gets you some tail and a girl that swallows then go for it..Wouldn’t be that hard to lie fr a tad bit lol

  12. I dunno, I’d get the hell out of Buffalo for a lot less than 175k. Living NEAR there is bad enough, especially this time of year!

  13. Melsa says:

    Umm… I think you should have smacked that bitch. Me, personally, I prefer a guy that’s agnostic or atheist… no imaginary friends to worry about ;)

    Also… that just sounds crazy. I think you should be open and honest from the get-go. or else you end up with girls that match someone that isn’t you… which is silly.

  14. Matty says:

    Sign up, what the hell.

    And it isn’t the Square Mozarella Sticks that are aphrodisiacs, its the Crispy Green Bean Fries. Nothing screams sex more than fried vegetables.

  15. Rasmenia says:

    Mozzarella sticks are indeed an aphrodisiac…the greasier, the better.

    Also, their aphrodisiac value can be greatly increased by combining them with copious amounts of whiskey.

    Give it a go – you won’t regret it.

  16. Ally says:

    Im going to say no, you didnt sign up, and leave it at that until tomorrow :)

  17. supernik says:

    WOW! I dont care where we live, you really shouldnt go through that much trouble, i am cute cuddly and creative ;) and skilled.

  18. Claire says:

    I would of said no you wouldn’t, but you probably have just so you can take the piss.

    You might of also swindled the money for it from your lovely new employers :)

    Don’t forget your business card.

  19. Mandie says:

    Wow, I really agree that the woman you are speaking of is a total creep. What the hell is her problem, and she is taking money for this “work”? I wouldn’t pay a dime for her services. Why would you want to be misrepresented? Wouldn’t you just want to be you, and not live a lie just to impress some stupid girl who doesn’t give a shit about you? Don’t do it. It’s fraud. This woman is just a glorified madam. Heidi?

  20. Mandie says:

    No, don’t do it. This woman is a glorified madam, no matchmaker. Why lie just to have a date? So stupid.

  21. Dee says:

    Its all about the money. They want to you lie steal and cheat on your damn questionaire so that you can go on a date with a girl and you have to rip her heart out because you have to tell her the stone cold truth that she didn’t want the girls to know. Its a waste of time. I can bet that she says the same thing to a girl if answered the questions like you. Not every woman wants a family. Or They too are agnostic. You should have a girl do it just to see if she says the same things. Shes just trying to make herself look good. But in the end its going to make her look like an ass.

  22. Tiffany P. says:


    do NOT sign up.

    what’s the damn point of having a “matchmaker” if you have to change everything about yourself in order to get someone??

    fuck that.

    have you seen that OTHER matchmaker show on Bravo called “millionair matchmaker” or something like that??

    these guys are mega-rich, and can’t find a woman.

    so this lady runs, basically, a world-wide pimp service where women send in photos DESPERATE to meet a millionaire, and she sets up “meetings” where the women are paraded around like cattle and the guys pick the women they want to date.

    but before that, she goes to each of their homes, tells them what women will or won’t like, and tells them how to dress and do their hair.

    i get it, i guess…cuz nothing they’ve done so far is working.. but still

    kinda pathetic.

    • Tiffany P. says:

      **let me reiterate**

      she goes to the *men’s* homes to tell them what to wear, etc. but don’t get me wrong…she only accepts “the best” of the women and apparantly there’s a waiting list to be “in.”

  23. Soil_Monkey says:

    Wow. I guess I would never find a guy on her dating survice. I only date agnostics or athiests. I want a guy with ambition that wants to get the hell out of dodge and I don’t even want to start a family for the next 10 years because I’m a career girl. This lady is living in the 1800ds

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  25. Mandy says:

    TGIFridays- do those even exsist anymore?
    Just so you know, if I met a man with that wanted to settle down and have kids within the next 3 years and he told me that up front, my vagina would hermetically seal itself in fear. I don’t want my entire life planned for me on the first date.
    Sign up just for the stories. Duh.

  26. Li Zhang says:

    Haha. Very nice post.

  27. Dannillee says:

    Are you fuckin kidding me! A grand to do what you could get off of Craigs Listfor free. Hell and she will probably swallow. Why lie, if a girl dosen’t like the truth than she’s not worth dating!

  28. Allan the ogrish says:

    Effing hilarious!! I too wouldnt date a girl that doesnt understand math not that I’ll ever make $1000o a year….
    I would sign up dude… it would be a wealth of information and source material for you for YEARS!!
    Plus, you might get laid and even… meet a woman who can add…

  29. Sophia Sturges says:

    I like the mudslides at TGI Friday’s. I don’t remember anything else from there. Maybe her husband owns the Friday’s in Buffalo.

  30. Rae says:

    That’s bullshit. All girls want to settle down within three years? Fuck that shit. Very few women I know want to settle down anytime soon. We’re focused on our careers, such as they are, and school. This lady is just too old fashioned.

  31. kate says:

    Bad idea: Offer a girl $30 for sex. Good idea: Buy a girl $30 worth of drinks for sex. $1,ooo.00?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?! Insane in the membrane is a goood song not a good state. Save your money. I bet if you buy a girl 4 shots in half an hour she’ll a) do anything b) leave with you immediately c) swallow D) seriously dude- that woman sucks. Lies and money? Nah.

  32. Alone still says:

    I had the worst experience with patty novak’s company. First she was setting me up with 26 year olds, (I’m 35) then put me with a bunch of guys with speech impediments. She’s alot of hype, and doesnt deliver. Love to say more, but I want to make sure this is being read. Bobby, email me…I’ll give you the lowdown from the women’s point of view.

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