2008 February | Pointless Banter

Archive for February, 2008

And Now For Something A Little Different

Published by Kevin on February 29, 2008 in Uncategorized. 17 Comments

This is a break from your regular blog. In the last year I have spent a lot of time in the community at blogcatalog, which is a blog directory that features groups and forums. It is really a great group of people over there and a site that if you are into blogging at all, you should check out. I started a humor group over there and decided to do a “blog carnival” where people submit entries that they think are their funniest. So I am going to do the initial carnival and other people will do it in coming months, so take a second and browse around maybe you will find something you enjoy. There is a wide range of posts in here to be sure, but I think there is something for everyone. A couple that I really like I have recommended…

Bald Middle Aged White Men for Obama- We are the forgotten demographic, the silent minority. Bald, middle aged white men could be the soccer moms of 2008, deciding the election, yet no one is talking about us.

Dirty Sanchez-It was an exciting weekend. Not only did I learn a new word, I also learnt about a new sexual position

Horrors of Home Cooking: Recipes of Yesteryear- Hop aboard ’50s culinary catastrophes like the “MeatLoaf Train” and see why these retro recipes before eating, and during digestion, tend to look roughly the same. Did you know “100 ways to be original in all your cooking” each involves Worcestershire Sauce? Oh, it does, my friends…. it does…

Cat Wakeup Call. Meow- Cute kitten trying to wakeup her owner so he can cook for something. But he doesn’t suppose to be good mood to wakeup so earlier as like me.. lol after tried all cute action, cat decided to use baseball atlast… that so lovely animation can make smile anyone who like to be see that funny video. Don’t forget to turn on your headphone too.

Notes from my Moleskin- Irish Blog Technique for the Busy Man

A God Walking Among Men- Tom and Jesus do bare some striking resemblances. The first being that in their prime they were both totally ripped (I guarantee you’ve never seen a picture of flabby Jesus on the cross, and we all saw Tom in those tighty whities). (Kevin recommended)

The “Get an F’ing Clue” Offensive-CLUE was always my favorite childhood game, but it was also my older brother’s downfall (Kevin recommended)
The First Draft of the Raven Found- A rare look at the first draft of the poem

There has been much talk in the news about the general level of obesity found in Mississippi, unfortunately it has all been by very boring news-type people. Get the real story here. (Kevin recommended)

Some people shouldn’t play rock paper scissors- As simple as the game Rock, Paper, Scissors may be, there are still people you should never play with.

Ode to blogging-Here is a random poem by a random chick about random blogging.

Simple Everyday Rules You Should Live By-This is my idea of what rules you should live by

The most important thing every cat owner needs to know: How to Recognize a Furball Situation

Powerful Potent Weapon Unleashed!-This weapon promises to give religious fundamentalist mullah a fit and probably distract them enough resulting in a heart attack lessening their agitation propaganda errrr teachings of hate and commit suicide out of frustration.

Wanna Sleep at Work- Greatest technology for mankind

New Study Suggests Bald Assholes Think Stuffed Koala Bears Are Babies

Helmet Hair

The Smurfs Turn 50

A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 1)

Intelligent Humor

Parenting Secrets We Like To Keep Secret

Wash And Curl…be careful about the information you give to strangers…

Tidal Wave of Filth- When Lord Likely finds that his collection of pornography has outgrown his existing library, he plans a new extension to his mansion to accommodate his stockpile of smut. (Kevin recommended)

Bowling with Jesus-Why Religious Discussions

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I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too!

Published by Kevin on February 28, 2008 in News. 56 Comments

It is no secret that I don’t like small dogs. Now when I say small dogs it isn’t like a beagle or dogs like that, I am talking about dogs that people carry with them as a personal accessory in Louis Vuitton bags or bring them wherever they go like a child. I don’t get how the rules of society go out the window when you have a small dog, like you can bring them anywhere just because they fit in a bag? They still bark, they still shit, the still piss, and people are still allergic to them but because you can toss them into a handbag you can bring it to a restaurant?

Well a victory was scored the other day for all of us small dog haters, of course two kids are going to need a massive amount of therapy for it which is a small price to pay.

My friend set me this story the other day: Snake Eats Family Dog as Kids Watch

Not only is there a story but they made sure to get a picture:

snake eating dog

Here are my favorite parts of the story:

“It actively stalked the dog for a number of days,” Douglas said.

“The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog’s bed, which was a sign it was out to get it,” he added.

“They should have called me then, but (the snake) got away and three or four days later, I was called and went around and removed it” after the dog had been killed, Douglas said.

By the time Douglas arrived, all that could be seen of the dog was its hind legs and tail.

The zoo manager, Todd Rose, said pythons squeeze their prey to death before swallowing it whole. The 5-year-old dog would have been suffocated within minutes.

“The lady who was there threw some plastic chairs at the snake, but you’ve got to remember that this is about 110 pounds of aggressive muscle,” Rose said.

I don’t know what I think is funnier the lady throwing plastic chairs at the snake thinking that it would do anything or the fact that the dog was actively stalked. One question I have is that if you see a huge ass snake around your yard, even sitting in your dog’s bed don’t you act with caution for a few days? You know like not letting your dog outside or your kids play in the backyard?

They should have called the Crocodile Hunter… whoops… my bad.

Well I am off to go play with my trouser snake.

How can anyone like small dogs?

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Crossbows and Mustaches Part 2

Published by Kevin on February 28, 2008 in Videos. 0 Comments

Here is the second installment of Crossbows and Mustaches, this month’s sponsor of Pointless Banter.

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Celebrity Sperm is More Potent and Magical

Published by Kevin on February 27, 2008 in Celebrities. 13 Comments

Recently there was an article, wait can I even call it an article? Let me start over… Recently there was a crappy time wasting post on yahoo about the spike in celebrities having twins. Of course this spiked the little scientist in me and I wanted to find out if celebrity sperm was more potent.

My Theory: Because of the lights they are under for movies, combined with the lights from the paparazzi, and their unholy deal with the devil male celebrity sperm has mutated and female celebrity eggs have as well.

How I tested this theory: Well besides reading the hard hitting yahoo OMG story about celebrities having twins I dispersed my crack team of scientists around the globe to test this theory. Here are some of their field reports:

Report 1- From “Gay” Steve- “I was sent to Los Angeles to work the glory hole circuit and wait for a celebrity, we pretty much knew that George Michael would be around eventually. You see my entire life I have had really bad acne and my goal was to take a shot in the face to see what happens. Sure enough good old George came by and to be honest I didn’t have to wait that long, I was at the glory hole for about half an hour. Anyways, bam… my face got covered and look, not a pimple to be seen, it was truly magical!”

Report 2- From Sneaky Sharri- “I recently went to a super secret clinic where celebrities have their eggs and sperm stored just incase the human race is almost wiped out and we need to breed a whole group of beautiful people. It is kind of like the seed place in Norway except it is for sperm and it resides in the mountain where the Hollywood sign is. Anyways, I stole a ton of eggs and mashed them together. They are so strong Gay Steve could wear them as a t-shirt. Sure some people might say that looks like chainmail, but no it is celebrity eggs!”

chainmail shirt

Report 3- From Josiah- “I was with sneaky Sharri at the clinic and stole some of Snoop Dogg’s sperm, no normally when you have that many chemicals in you your sperm doesn’t move normally. Snoop though has had multiple kids and we couldn’t figure out why, when we looked at Snoop’s sperm in a microscope it was mutated and super swimmy.”

See I have the best scientific team ever, super swimmy is exactly how I would describe sperm under a microscope. So there you have it, irrefutable proof that celebrity sperm is much more powerful and magical than the rest of the human race.

So to sum everything up, celebrities have magical and potent sperm and eggs that is why they have so many sets of twins. The NFL quarterbacks of the 80s and 90s all had kids with disabilities because they took steroids. Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.

Why are celebrities having so many twins?

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Someone needs to buy a mirror

Published by Kevin on February 26, 2008 in Videos. 41 Comments

So I was surfing around the internet today looking for the typical stories that hold my interest. You know things like dumb deaths, crooked politicians, or a celebrity going to rehab and saw a video on CNN.com entitled, “Too Pretty To Fly”.

Whoa, slow down there. I don’t know Miss Nisreen Swedberg but have you walked by a mirror… ever?

I love how the cameraman slowly goes up her body like he is proving a point; there was totally no need for it other than to show that she isn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Yeah I went there.

I am sure the twatish attitude that you and your friend give off with that annoying tone in your voice went a long way to have an entire plane turn against you.

Just for the record, the reason why I got kicked out of a bar after I puked all over someone’s foot was because I was too hot. It had nothing to do with me throwing up a lung.

Also the reason why I failed my first quarter of high school chemistry was because I was too hot, the teacher had it in for me.

God I hope that girl doesn’t reproduce.

What were you too hot for?

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I’m an adult now, I bought a major appliance

Published by Kevin on February 26, 2008 in My Life. 48 Comments

washing machine On Sunday I finished the moving in process with going to Best Buy to buy a washer and dryer. The apartment I am renting doesn’t have a set included but it has a spacious laundry room next to the bathroom so I figured I might as well take the plunge. I thought about buying one on craigslist but I thought about all the unseemly crap people could have washed in those washers and I decided against it. The last thing I want is mixing my stuff with the remnants of someone else’s cum sock.

I did my research on their website and decided on a lower end set, not the cheapest but nothing fancy. After all, my wash is divided between colors and whites, much like the south before the repeal of Jim Crowe laws except without the hatred and lasting bitterness. When I arrived at Best Buy (one of my least favorite stores to shop at) I patiently waited for a salesperson to come over and help me out.

Eventually this young woman full of energy came bounding over to me and I told her what I wanted, she looked at my choices and shook her head and began to lecture me, “You don’t want those, they are so basic. Have you looked at this model yet? It can handle larger loads, it has something like twenty odd settings….”

“Look, these are just for me. I might do three loads a week, if that. Plus I honestly just break my laundry down between darks and whites, I wouldn’t even know what half of those setting do. And I didn’t want to spend a lot just incase I moved in the next year or two and had to get rid of these.”

I felt like I stated my case in a winning fashion, I was ready to purchase and get the hell home so I could do important things like watch TV and put off doing school work. She then came at me with this, “Well what happens if a girl moves in with you or you have a kid? This won’t be enough for you.”

Holy shit! She is totally right, but what about everything else? Is my car a good family car? I don’t think my drawers and cabinets are child proof, not to mention my electrical outlets! Do I have enough room? Plus I am on the second floor, I am going to need a baby gate.

I was just here to buy a washer and dryer and now I am totally evaluating my life. It was a knock out blow, I was starting to consider jumping up and buying the largest capacity washer and dryer because I know washing those clothe diapers are going to be a bitch. Then I snapped out of it, “I don’t see that happening anytime soon, unless you were just trying to make an offer.”

Her face was red, she shut up, and then went to ring me up. To seal my victory I kicked her in the ovaries and crushed her with a Maytag dryer.

However the damage to me was done, I had finally become an adult because I bought a major appliance.

What do you think was the unofficial moment you became an adult?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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