I am not an object
This is an open letter to the lady that works at the sandwich counter at the local supermarket.
Dear Ma’am,
I am writing you this letter to inform you that I am not an object. Sure you see this manly exterior and think about me slapping you on the ass with freshly toasted wheat bread but guess what, I don’t get down like that. You need to understand that I am not an object but a person. I have thoughts and feelings… I think about the world around me and the causes of pain that people endure. I enjoy writing, reading, and talking about current events… not just banging.
No this has nothing to do with you being 45, heavily overweight, and missing a good amount of your teeth. This has everything to do with my value as a person.
I just want you to know that every time I go up to order a sandwich and ask me what meat I want then purr salami it doesn’t turn me on. In fact it kind of disturbs me, you should know by now that I don’t want any Italian meat in my lunch. Also when I say “Roast Beef” and you smile and wink at me it kind of creeps me out. I don’t want to think about what your meat curtains look like, in fact I don’t want to think about anything below your neck. It can’t be pretty…
Sure that might be shallow of me but I want you to know I look at you as a person that makes my food. Now that might sound condescending but in all reality it is such an important job that I don’t want to mess with you or hurt your feelings. I don’t want spit in my mayo, boogers in my mustard, or you giving me way too much lettuce and not enough fixins’. Plus if you cut down on the amount of cheese you put on my sandwich I might have to hop across the counter and knife you or even worse take one for the team and make out with you in the cooler. I can’t have anything come between me and my cheese.
The last thing I want to happen is you and I having a falling out leading me to have to eat at Subway. In fact I would consider driving my car into a bridge embankment rather than eating there multiple times a week. So I would like to take this time and establish some boundaries for you to follow.
Things that are okay:
You can still call me honey, sweetie, or sugar. I like it and it makes me feel special.
We can still make small talk and even exchange pleasantries.
You can leer at me and lick your lips but not when I am looking. Also you may masturbate to mental pictures of me at home but never let me know about it and make sure you wash your hands before coming into work.
Things that are not okay:
Using sexual innuendo at any time.
Leering at me when we are making eye contact.
Talking about gurgling my sperm at any point in time, sure it hasn’t happened yet but I just want to be on the safe side.
Now if you can follow these rules we will have a much better relationship. Plus I will never have to go to Subway, which is really important to me in my life. I enjoy your tasty sandwiches and would hate to have to change the pattern of my lunchtime.
Your Favorite Customer,
Kevin
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On 01/30/08 at 8:40 am
kate said:
thought guys like being treated like sex objects…
On 01/30/08 at 9:33 am
kevin said:
Not when I am getting my lunch on.
On 01/30/08 at 9:42 am
tiffany p. said:
so you *don’t* want the George Costanza Trifecta? Food. Sex. Sports.
On 01/30/08 at 9:59 am
Kevin said:
whoa slow down there, I mean with the right girl
On 01/30/08 at 9:07 am
mikster said:
Well, at least you started this out with Dear Maam, instead of Dear Sir. There’s always worse options yanno.
On 01/30/08 at 9:32 am
kevin said:
You are so right.
On 01/30/08 at 9:40 am
April said:
Gurgling sperm ? Aren’t we women just supposed to swallow it and be done ?
On 01/30/08 at 10:00 am
Kevin said:
If they are a keeper
On 01/30/08 at 11:51 am
Matty said:
Then April sounds like a keeper.
On 01/30/08 at 12:13 pm
Kevin said:
I know, I sent a marriage proposal already
On 01/30/08 at 9:41 am
tiffany p. said:
I hate when there aren’t enough fixins.
On 01/30/08 at 10:00 am
Kevin said:
who doesn’t
On 01/30/08 at 9:46 am
suzy said:
this made me laugh soooo much!!!! hugs from the uk! xxxx
On 01/30/08 at 10:01 am
Kevin said:
Thanks
On 01/30/08 at 9:52 am
Jessica said:
Ok…you were at Wegmans weren’t you?
On 01/30/08 at 10:01 am
Kevin said:
Damn straight
On 01/30/08 at 9:54 am
Charlotte said:
Hmmm, me thinks you protests too much, sammich-boy.
On 01/30/08 at 10:04 am
Kevin said:
Hey now
On 01/30/08 at 10:22 am
Fiona said:
You are now, officially a woman. Welcome.
On 01/30/08 at 10:31 am
Kevin said:
say it ain’t so
On 01/30/08 at 10:49 am
Meagan said:
What is it with some sandwich shops? My favorite place (GREAT food) has this anciently old owner who always tells me “you should come back wearing something else. these scrubs, they not show off your ass. i want see your body” i’m like AGH. Give me my chicken salad and shuddup!
Crazy sandwich making sex fiends.
On 01/30/08 at 12:20 pm
Kevin said:
SUE!!! you could probably own the place
On 01/30/08 at 11:05 am
sporkgasm said:
people missing teeth shouldn’t be at the front counter, unless it is at the carnival. you’ll always be afraid there might be a rotten tooth that fell in you smammich. well, at least i would, and therefore could not enjoy it as much.
On 01/30/08 at 12:20 pm
Kevin said:
good point
On 01/30/08 at 11:06 am
Christine said:
Thanks for the giggles and good luck with deterring your potential stalker!
On 01/30/08 at 12:19 pm
Kevin said:
glad you enjoyed it
On 01/30/08 at 11:50 am
LoneStarBrit said:
OK so you’ve finally found a woman who wants to bang you AND make your food? Now you’re just being picky wanting her to be remotely attractive too!!
On 01/30/08 at 12:19 pm
Kevin said:
My standards are high
On 01/30/08 at 12:02 pm
Melsa said:
can IIIIIIIII make you a sandwich and hit on you?
On 01/30/08 at 12:14 pm
Kevin said:
Only if i can put my meat in your buns
On 01/30/08 at 4:35 pm
Melsa said:
I’m pretty sure that was a given
On 01/30/08 at 12:13 pm
country girl said:
ahhh, pooor Kevin……anything I can do to make it better?
On 01/30/08 at 12:18 pm
Kevin said:
unless it involves a sub, I am not sure
On 01/30/08 at 12:37 pm
Spanky McBubbles said:
How the hell could you keep your appetite after such unpleasantries?
On 01/30/08 at 12:57 pm
Tori said:
Sick. I never want to eat another sandwich again. Fortunately, I don’t eat meat, so if a guy making me a sandwich ever tried the meat innuendo, I can always just smile politely and say “I’m a vegetarian.”
On 01/30/08 at 1:00 pm
Sophia sturges said:
There’s always Quizno’s. Also, have you seen “Must Love Dogs?” I know–it’s a romantic comedy, so probably not. She keeps going to the deli and the guy keeps trying to sell her more chicken (which in turn makes her feel self-conscious and bad about being single–we women get like that sometimes). Anyways, long story short–she freaks out and says, “I don’t want a lot of chicken hanging around!” It kind of relates to this because of the deli, but not really. I just thought it was funny.
On 01/30/08 at 1:05 pm
supernik said:
i personally look at you as nothing more than a piece of meat. you were made soley for my entertainment. as were all people. i love reading your stuff!
On 01/30/08 at 1:06 pm
penny lane said:
Um, so cute girl making sandwich = keep the innuendos coming, right? Because seriously, we know you ALL want sex & a sandwich, a la Costanza. Ugly people should never hit on attractive people, but that doesn’t stop men!!! (see my myspace blog on this very topic entitled “Construction Worker Not Giving up on True Love”, I am one of your friends, and my myspace moniker is the same)It also delves deeply into the caste system of dating. lol…
On 01/30/08 at 4:21 pm
em em said:
I need to write a letter like that to two local crazy gas station attendants. Seriously I have informed my friends that if I ever come up missing, to send the police to one of the gas stations as the creepy attendant has likely made a skin coat out of me. So you’re on notice too. If you one day think to yourself, “gee, it seems like I’m missing a reader” (I’m stretching, here, bear with me) and it turns out it’s me, for the love of Pete, please send help!
On 01/30/08 at 4:59 pm
Steve said:
Gross dude.
I actually don’t know what else to say….
On 01/30/08 at 6:14 pm
Chandra said:
There was this one lady that used to make my stepdad sandwich’s when he was younger. Come to find out she would first masterbate, then take her nasty ass fingers and schmear her old-lady gunja on the sammiches!
THAT SHIT AINT RIGHT. Neither is this.
*shudders*
♥ C.
On 01/30/08 at 6:29 pm
Meghan said:
I reserve the term ‘exchange pleasantries’ with people I really don’t want to exchange ANYTHING ELSE with.
On 01/30/08 at 7:40 pm
Michele said:
If I didn’t know better, I’d think your sandwich girl is from PA. I will never forget standing in line with my boyfriend, asking for a half pound of hard salami (which is it’s own set up I guess) and the woman (nearly toothless) said, ‘funny I thought all woman liked lots of meat’ then turned to him and said ‘or do you have enough to go around honey’
Maybe they’re sisters…
On 01/31/08 at 9:01 am
Alison said:
This blog made me want a sandwich.
On 02/8/08 at 4:36 pm
ryan said:
yes, creepy old ladies who do more than just undress with their eyes are the worst. I had a lunch lady in high school (hutch-tech) who looked like the one from “Billy Madison”…”I made it extra sccccchlopy fer ya’s”…yes she looked like that one, and always with the leering. Very creepy, I wanted to just yell “jailbait” at her and see how everyone in the line reacted…should have I suppose.