With the writers’ strike going on in Hollywood the late night television shows that returned to air without writers have been having trouble finding guests because actors are refusing to cross the picket lines. Now I have no moral qualms about crossing the picket lines because who the hell am I? It isn’t like any of these writers give a shit about me. So I have decided to offer my services to Jimmy Kimmel.
Why Kimmel you ask? I find Leno horribly unfunny and while I love Conan I don’t have as much to talk about with him as I do Kimmel, but we will get a little more into that in a second.
So Jimmy here are my four reasons why I should be on your show.
1) I’m funny- Sure maybe this is a little egotistical but at some point I need to take some credit. While not all of the over 650 blogs I have written have been hilarious I have some sort of consistency. Besides look at your guests, you have Rob and Big coming on from MTV which is just horrible. Every single episode of that show is the same, let the skinny white skater dude put his big black body guard in an uncomfortable situation, we get it. I’m much funnier and much more original than they are.
2) I’m good with the witty banter- I can make it seem like we are old friends and have really witty banter with you. It will be comfortable and will make for fun tv. Maybe I tease you about your jowls or give the members of your band some crap. If I am the second guest (which really should not be the case) I can give your first guest a hard time, like if you have Nicole Richie on I could bring out a sub and say that nobody is leaving until she eats the whole thing.
3) I won’t drop product references- Sure you see celebrities do it all the time, they will go out and mention how much they love Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. In return Kraft will give them a lifetime supply of Mac and Cheese or will pay them a little bit. You don’t have to worry about me trying to pull that off. Although I could mention the Moonlight Bunny Ranch a whole bunch of times, I wonder what that would get me? VD probably.
4) We can talk about the time your girlfriend Sarah Sliverman eye fucked me in Doughboys- Sure maybe she was checking out the baby I was holding and smiling, but I am convinced that she was eye fucking me from the get go. She obviously like hairy dudes that are funny, well in your case maybe she just likes hairy dudes. I am sure we could have a lot of fun with this, maybe I come out and then she comes out and sits on my lap making out with me. Or maybe we do a backstage skit where I slap her on the ass and tell her that she is a bad girl and I have something that will make her all better. Whatever you want to do I am flexible.
So Jimmy have your people contact my people so we can set this up.
Are you watching any of the shows that have returned during the strike do you think they are worse or do you not notice a difference?