Today I am home sick with the worst case of the flu I have had in my entire life. My mouth and ass are acting like a faucet that has a leakage problem worse than a gonorrhea infected whore, otherwise known as Courtney Love. Not only am I missing work, I am missing our yearly Christmas Party where I get to drink on the boss’s tab and tell him what I really think about him. Deciding that I really needed to top my misery off I have decided to see if I could sit through an entire episode of Oprah. In my lifetime I have managed to not watch Oprah from start to finish, the most I have ever watched of the show was the clips of the Tom Cruise debacle.
Why do I want to sit through an entire episode of this oh so popular gab fest? I want to see what the big deal is. Oprah is consistently named as one of the most influential people in America and I want to know why. This episode promises to teach me how to throw the best Christmas party with the help of Rachel Ray. Wow, way to rub it in Oprah, a show about Christmas parties when I can’t even attend mine, you really are all powerful. Time to let the pain begin; can I make it all the way through?
The show opens up with Oprah walking out on stage sipping a martini. Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t drink on his late night show but Oprah can drink during the day? What is this? She gets a two minute standing ovation, I feel like I am watching another drawn out video montage for Sean Taylor. (Is it too soon?) Oprah launches into a monologue referencing her twentieth anniversary show and a story that she had never told until that episode. She revealed that on a date with Roger Ebert that he set her up with a company to help with the syndication of her show. I didn’t know what was more shocking, the fact that she went on a date with Roger Ebert or that Oprah’s head had increased in mass over the last twenty years. Watching her old clips was like watching old baseball highlights of Barry Bonds.
Roger Ebert comes out onto the stage to chat with Oprah. Wow, you have to think that Gene Siskel got the better deal out of their partnership. Poor Ebert just looks worse for the wear; he looks more emaciated than Nicole Richie after a purging session. I have to say so far this isn’t that bad. I like Roger Ebert, he comes on drops a couple of one liners, tells a story about the advice he gave her and the ladies in the audience eat him up. After he walks of stage I realize that there was no reason for him to come out, it really didn’t add anything to the show or the story. He basically just came out and said Oprah was all powerful and rich. It was a giant ego stroke! Wait a second, I see what is going on here, Oprah has people come on right away to help establish and validate her dominance and then she starts the show, this is fascinating.
Out comes Rachael Ray, she is hot in a perky sort of way. Like Kelly Ripa but not as orange or annoying. Ray lists her four major tips for throwing a party:
1) Less is more
2) Keep it simple
3) Keep your guest list to a minimum
4) Before you start shopping, make a plan
Wait a second, I don’t get this. If women have all been taught by Oprah why do none of them follow this rule when throwing a party? Maybe it is just older women that have given up on life that follow what Oprah says, while the young ones are corrupted by Cosmopolitan? As I continued to watch though it became clear, my idea of less is more and keep it simple are vastly different than what Rachel Ray’s is. When they started to plan the party, which one of Oprah’s Producers was going to throw for her friends, she started listing out everything they needed to do. The list was rather extensive; come up with a theme, then handle appetizers, get the fondue ready, get drinks ready, you need to enlist a friend to run the welcome bar, get things to decorate with, create a martini station, create a buffet in the kitchen, and create memories by purchasing Polaroid cameras to place throughout the house. Oh don’t forget to obsess over what you are going to wear for a week! There is more planning going into this party than the allied invasion of Normandy, which was simple… 1) storm beach 2) take out big guns and 3) kill Germans.
We head to a commercial break and I am starting to question my masculinity and sanity, thank god the bathroom is calling for the 14th time today and I can hopefully purge my system of Rachael Ray and Oprah. I just got back from the bathroom and I just noticed that Rachael Ray has a ginormous ass, just thought I would share that. I guess when you are around food all day it has to go somewhere.
The party goes off without fail, Oprah was a big hit as the martini maker, and she pats herself on the back over and over for that. This is just reinforcing the fact that she is better than all of us. Now they move to a typical baking segment, where Rachael shows us how to make her five minute fudge, Oprah makes it in two and a half minutes…. Oprah= most perfect human being alive, now she must share the fudge they made with the audience. White male butlers in tuxedoes come out to serve the audience; I am starting to feel inadequate .
I made it though the entire episode and learned some valuable lessons. Simple and easy has a different definition in the land of Rachael Ray and Oprah than in my world. Oprah is the most perfect human being ever because Roger Ebert told me she made more money, Rachael Ray says that she makes fudge faster than her own recipe, and her producer says she makes a great martini. None of these things can be said about me. And finally, the only white male I saw on the episode was serving fudge… I guess I know my place in society, thanks Oprah!
Will Oprah rule the world some day?