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How to Become a Better Exotic Dancer

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/11/08 @ 6:00 am

On occasion I wish that I could be female…well an attractive female. Mostly whenever I get pulled over for speeding, have to wait in line, or when I want someone to buy me a drink. When you are an attractive female all those situations are improved by your looks. The only other time I wish I was female is when I leave a strip club because easier money has never been made.

Being a stripper is a license to basically print cash, well except if you turn around and invest it in coke or meth. Even if you are a crappy stripper you can make money, but if you are good at what you do you can really make some sweet cash. The thing is when I occasionally go to strip clubs these days I see women not having an understanding of how things work. So I decided to put together a handy dandy guide on how to become a better stripper.


Make me feel like I can sleep with you- This is rule number one because this guides everything else you are going to do. For some reason men get it in their head that if they spend enough money on a girl she is going to fall madly in love with them, which just isn’t true. But so many strippers don’t give off this impression; they act like they are better than the guy at the club or just act really cold because they hate men at this point. It is just bad for business to carry around a negative attitude. You need to make me feel if I somehow give you $200 dollars it will lead to a wild make out session where you are going to say, “I don’t usually do this but here is my number.”

Walk around and talk to people- This is something that happens in successful strip clubs the girls will walk around and talk to various people at different tables. For some reason this doesn’t happen too often anymore, you shouldn’t make me approach you because it is awkward and requires a level of drunkenness or confidence. By coming over to my table it makes me feel like you are making the first move, which is always good. Plus by playing the part of the aggressor you have the advantage, people will feel obligated for you to give them money.

Never talk about your kids- It isn’t a sob story that motivates me to give you more money, it is a massive turn off that makes me reevaluate why I am there. It is a totally inappropriate time and place to bring up the fact that you have seven kids running around at home. If we were in the outside world and making casual conversation the story about little Johnny setting fire to the drapes would be hilarious. But when I am dreaming about you grinding on my lap while I slur drunken sayings to you this just doesn’t fly.

Your taste in music does count- This is just a personal thing but if I go to a place and talk to a girl and find out that they choose their music and not the DJ …well it weighs on me to give you money or not. In fact when I get drunk and recommend three songs you should play it makes me feel like a big shot if you pick them. For some reason I think it would be fun to be a strip club DJ, you can set the mood and tone for the evening as well as shape the music around each dancer’s personality.

I am really putting waaaaaay too much thought into this.

Anyways, current and future stripes of America you don’t have to thank me for this advice, just send me a cut of your profits. You know when you make what I make in a week in a night…

Do you have any advice for the strippers out there?

This is being cross posted at humor-blogs.com

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

25 Responses to “How to Become a Better Exotic Dancer”

  1. cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    Two posts about strippers in two days. Either the last trip was really good or really bad. Good insight on how to make money for those hapless young ladies

  2. Isha or Aiyisha, whatever the f*ck u wanna call me. says:

    LOL, Seriously, two posts about stripping in a week. Well my one tip to a stripper is if your case of oral herpes is flaring up, better to conceal it with the concealer or don’t strip at all, total buzz kill. If I was a guy I wouldn’t wanna hear about lil Billy, Jimmy, Amy, and Daniel either. Keep it to yourself. Great tips Kevin. Is your school on break or something, cause its seems like you have way too much time on your hands to think this through.

  3. David says:

    I must add two more. 1. Wipe the white powder off your upper lip and use something to cover up the needle marks on your arms. 2. If the guy is really drunk, collect any money for a lap dance up front!

  4. Why does the one on the left look like a dude?

  5. James says:

    seeing that girl from high school really must have been traumatizing.

  6. luckydisease says:

    most strippers could take a serious clue from the “raisins” episode of southpark when it comes to how to squeeze money out of men… it would also help a lot if they atleast pretended they were having a good time on stage. apathetic strippers just aren’t sexy…

    and maybe atleast try to cover up your c-section scars. it’s almost enough to make me not want to sit in pervert’s row anymore.

  7. king steve says:

    cover up you c section scar.

    and dont have any names tattooed on your body.

    • David says:

      No names but to be a true stripper you must possess the good ole’ “tramp stamp”!!!!

      • Silveryback says:

        I started workin as a stripper and it totally took me by surprise just how accurate the “tramp stamp” is when denoting women with “loose morals.” Seriously, the first time in the dressing room with the 20-some other girls in there, I’d say 90% had a lower back tattoo. Is this a turn on to most guys? I’m tattoo-less and I feel a little out of place there, haha!

    • jayden says:

      is the c-section scar really that bad? if i got naked in front of you would you really be turned off by it? like, really! lol

  8. [...] How to Become a Better Exotic Dancer from Pointless Banter [...]

  9. Fiar says:

    Why does the one on the left look like a dude?

    You mean it’s not?

  10. Fiar says:

    All the way to the right is one hell of a saggy ass too.

  11. Avalon says:

    Read Avalon’s Blog on how to become a SuperStripper!

  12. HolyJaw says:

    No B.O. Please. For the love of God. Damn good thing she stayed on the ground the whole time becuase I damn near passed out.

  13. jayden says:

    you guys really got me laughing!!!! lol…..That is pretty good advice couldn’t have said it better myself! i have been a “dancer” for 5 years, and these are all great! I’ll add the whole “got it flaunt it” rule. Everybody thinks that they can be a dancer now! Oh yeah, the one on the left does look like a dude and the one on the right looks like time has did her in!

  14. alex says:

    If you are interested in becoming a six figure earning stripper go to http://www.howtostripper.com tells you how to become really GOOD!!!

  15. SexiKeli says:

    WOW, you guys must be drop dead gorgeous, with no baldness, or beer guts, or hairy butts, the way you’re talking about strippers. Now, I know everyone can’t be beautiful, and the management at a lot of these clubs are looking really desperate with the girls they’ve hired lately, but I’ve worked as a dancer for about 7 yrs, throughout the United States (Las Vegas, New York, Atlanta), and I say you’ve offered some pretty good advice for those nasty cokehead strippers, but we’re not all like that.

    One of the biggest problems with strippers, is MEN!! Believe it or not… It wouldn’t be so bad if you guys weren’t so easy… If you actually realized that you’re paying for a service, and you don’t have to take the first girl you see, and you actually think twice about who you take in the VIP… Look at it like this, when you go to the store, you buy what you want, not what someone else tells you to buy.

    Sit down, have a drink and wait for a girl that is beautiful, AND interesting. If she doesn’t sit down and talk to you for a few minutes, then what makes you think she is worth your time and money. I hate when guys come to me after they’ve spent all their money, talking about “Man, I wish I ran into you when I first got here…”

  16. cestra says:

    Yeah the thing that kills me are strippers that complain about how broke they are. I go to work alot & hear strippers go Oh I just bought a 300$ purse but Im late on my rent by a month.

    Also, don’t wear the same damned holey smelly outfit everynight.
    Oh yeah & if you shoes are being held together by duct tape its time to get new ones.

    another thing, is that most strippers talk too much. Listen, if that guy with a fake ass rolex wants to try & convice you its real, who cares? make him think you think its real. If he spends 300$ on you, does it really matter that his rolex is real of fake? hell NO.

    if a customer wants to hear a certain song, 10 or 20 bucks should go to the DJ, 3 or 4 of those & then by the end of the night you tip him 10$ but he’s made so much money off you, thats not even your money out of your pocket, he doesnt always hassle you for the mandatory 10%.

    When your dancing for a guy never turn your back on him unless you’re only planning on doing one dance, the longer you keep eye contact, the less time the guy has to think about how many dances he’s already had.

    Don’t wear glitter or body compact concealer of any kind. Most married guys get into alot of shit when they go home & say “baby I swear we were just at Chili’s or bowling” when they come home covered with glitter and smelling the remnant of a french prositute’s chanel no. 5.

    Make eye contact on the stage. I stare at every single guy individually until they blush, & 9 times out of 10 they always come tip me.

    Im not giving away all my secrets, those are a few of the decent ones.

    use them wisely, it does work!

  17. cestra says:

    & it helps to take a make-up course or 2.

    this is me.

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