An Uncomfortable Trip to the Strip Club
I have a set of friends that really enjoy going to strip clubs. I can’t say that I mind going but I have a steadfast rule in place in order for me to prevent myself from going broke every time we go. The rule is: In order for me to spend money on a girl in a strip club she has to be better looking than anyone I can pull out of a bar. This rule has kept me from falling into “stripper love” that some of my other friends fall victim to.
There have been times I have gone to strip clubs and have had an awful lot of fun. One time after golf, three of my friends and I were the only people in the club, well there was a guy in a wheelchair that had to blow in a tube in order to move but am I even supposed to count him? Anyways, we all sat in the front row aka perverts row and judged girls on their various pole tricks. We even made up cards with numbers on them and everything using napkins and a pen. Their tips were determined by the quality of the pole trick, it was fun for everyone involved as even the ugly strippers were getting attention from us. Usually we would just turn our backs on them or leave the front row and go to the bar in order to shun them. This was fun and good times for everyone, who doesn’t like pole tricks?
One night after golfing my friends and I went to a club near where we golfed for a couple of drinks to talk a little shit to each other and unwind after a hard day of gambling and drinking. We settled down at a table away from the stage to feel out the temperature of the “talent” that was there. The club that we were at was really hit or miss, usually about 60% of the girls weren’t very attractive and that number could reach as high as 80% but it was one of the few bars open on a Sunday in the summer that was close to where we were. It was still entertaining to go because it was very laid back and we weren’t getting constant “stripper pressure” to get dances or buy them drinks.
After sitting through a few dances a girl took the stage to the rousing sounds of Gun N Roses. My friend was staring at the stage, I briefly looked up and made a comment about the girl’s looks and that he shouldn’t stare to long or he would turn to stone or get herpes. (I think there is a possibility that some people can give you herpes just by looking at them.) Kyle continued to look before saying, “I think we went to high school with here.” I looked at her for a few seconds and realized that we, in fact, did go to high school with this girl. I never had a class with her, I never talked to her, and I never really ever noticed her but she did go to school with us. Now some people would find this really cool, however if you ranked the 60 or so girls that I went to high school with she would not have been in the top 30 of girls I would want to see naked. When you add a couple of bad tattoos and the obvious birth of a couple of children she plummets down that list even further.
I wanted to leave the club immediately but nobody would go. I wasn’t embarrassed that I was in there and I was acquainted with one of the dancers. I was totally afraid of the completely uncomfortable situation that was going to take place. It was going to be a mixture of the “what have you been doing since high school” conversation, the standard stripper “I’m sizing you up to see how much money I can get from you” conversation, and then the awkward ending of her inviting one of us into the back for a dance which nobody will want to bite the bullet on. Not only is the looks thing a factor, the complete uncomfortable feeling that you shared a playground in sixth grade kind of gets involved making getting a lap dance like going to the dentist.
Finally after her set she came out to the floor and went to the back with a couple of guys for private dances. I figured at the pace she was going she would have to go back up on stage or that she would just not make it to our side of the club. Leaving us to finish another round and head back home thus avoiding the potential uncomfortable situation. This wasn’t to be, after finishing another private dance she made a b-line for our table and everything I thought would happen did.
She did the whole “act excited” thing because she hadn’t seen us in so long, which really is uncomfortable because we honestly never said three words to each other our entire time growing up. Is there anything less genuine when you bump into someone that you went to school with and weren’t friends with then act excited to see them? This is the exact reason why I didn’t go to my high school reunion this year, all the people I want to talk to I already keep in contact with, why would I want to go and have the fake conversation at least 25 times?
Then of course the question of what have you been doing gets asked, I explain what I have been up to, my other friends go, and then we have to ask the obligatory return question to her. We get the whole, “I have three kids with different fathers and this is my best way to make a living story”, which makes you feel like shit for even being in a strip club and kills the mood. I wanted to leave or better yet hang myself with the various exposed electrical cords hanging from the walls. After talking for a little bit longer she then asks one of my friends if they want to go out back for a private dance, he politely declines. I figured that would be it and she would leave but then she pulled the “I just gave you my sob story and one of you guys will feel bad enough to get a dance from me” card as she began to ask everyone at the table one by one if they wanted to go out back.
Of course I am the last one to be asked after all of my friends had said no. You could see the dejection on her face and tell she was another “no” away from breaking down and bawling her eyes out. She asked me the question that had been posed to my other friends; I hesitated while thinking about my personal stripper rule but ultimately broke down and said yes. I felt like I just saved a kid from a burning building or one of her kids from starving, she popped out of her chair and excitedly hustled me to back room for what was the single most uncomfortable lap dance of my entire life. My penis actually crawled up into my liver as Poison blared over the loud speaker; it was just another reason for me to hate Bret Michaels and this was anything but “Ain’t Nothing but a Good Time”.
After the dance I returned to the table and told my friends that I hated them. It was just another moment in my life where I wanted to drink an entire bottle of bleach; of course I would want to disinfect myself with it first.
Have you ever run into someone from high school that you really didn’t want to see at that moment?
This is being cross posted at humor-blogs.com
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On 01/10/08 at 8:51 am
scott said:
Way to go Kevin, I’m sure her kids are thankful for another meal and so is her bum of a live in boyfriend!!
On 01/10/08 at 9:07 am
Kevin said:
I wonder if I can write it off as a charity
On 01/10/08 at 3:11 pm
Matty said:
Blog dicking to say yes, the IRS allows charity to fugly strippers to count as a deduction.
Then again my taxes aren’t exactly in line, though, so…
On 01/10/08 at 3:17 pm
Kevin said:
Can I meet your accountant
On 01/10/08 at 9:02 am
CGoatP said:
i believe i can one up you. actually i know i can. there is a girl at a local club that i went to school with. she is two years older than me, the same age as my sister. i’ve seen her in there before and everyone from our school knew she stripped there. well this night she comes out in the school girl get up, very nice. well i was in the mood for a dance and we did actually have a class together so we had talked before. i cough up the money for the dance and while enjoying the dance she asks me how my sister is doing. talk about a buzz kill. it not only ruined the dance but my night and that club for good. it makes me sad just thinking about it. it may have ruined all strip clubs for me.
On 01/10/08 at 9:06 am
Kevin said:
Now that is depressing
On 01/10/08 at 9:54 am
JiMoe said:
haha, that was funny
On 01/10/08 at 10:14 am
Kevin said:
Thanks
On 01/10/08 at 10:04 am
Josh said:
What were the odds though?
I’m sure the larger the town, the better odds you have of seeing someone you know dancing naked.
I live in a small town, and I’d be hard pressed to find some of these girls dancing nude.
Though- it was be worth the curiosity.
… Was it worth the curiosity?
On 01/10/08 at 10:15 am
Kevin said:
Not it wasn’t… not in the least.
On 01/10/08 at 10:05 am
Vince said:
I know all about the uncomfortable conversations with people you went to school with, but the worst ones are where you run into the parents of people you no longer talk to and you have to hear all about how great their kid is doing. Makes me want to choke them out.
On 01/10/08 at 10:16 am
Kevin said:
That always sucks… I had that at a wedding in the summer… I just wanted to blurt out that their daughter had fucked half a minor league baseball team.
On 01/10/08 at 10:20 am
Mara said:
I think I have you beat…
I won’t go into details, but when I was in labor one of the nurses that came in was a guy that I had dated in middle school. He didn’t seem bothered to have the “what have you been doing” conversation with me in that position, but I just wanted to die.
On 01/10/08 at 11:03 am
Kevin said:
Get the hell out of here.
On 01/10/08 at 10:47 am
Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
You took one for the team. Good man. Now those jokers owe you major.
On 01/10/08 at 11:03 am
Kevin said:
Too bad they are all married and can never be my wingman
On 01/10/08 at 7:29 pm
fried bourbonncoke said:
not true, wingmen only have to distract blockers long enough for you to get “in” with their friend
On 01/10/08 at 9:21 pm
cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer said:
if married people never strayed i would be out of a job and broke. Trust me married people ARE wingmen/wingwomen.
On 01/10/08 at 10:53 am
country girl said:
well….I was getting pretty heavy with a guy in the back of a car and one of my acquaintances from highschool knocked on the window…I can definitely say I did not want to see ANYONE else then. Let alone someone who knew me. Sigh.
On 01/10/08 at 11:04 am
Kevin said:
you little hussy
On 01/10/08 at 11:06 am
MRT said:
About six months after getting married my wife and I ran into a girl who had gone down on me the previous New Year’s Eve - not long before I’d gotten engaged. THAT was awkward. She had a new kid, I was barely hitched, and we had the whole ‘fake’ “How’s your life?” conversation while trying not to make eye contact. It was a long ninety seconds.
On 01/10/08 at 3:18 pm
Kevin said:
When your wife turned her back did you give the international blow job sign?
On 01/10/08 at 11:14 am
stupidtom said:
I worked in a couple of strip clubs and usually the girls dread seeing people they know. I’m surprised that she went over to you guys. Nice work on getting the dance. I have a friend that cant be the end of a NO THANKS train either. he ends up burning a lot of time and money. great post!
On 01/10/08 at 3:20 pm
Kevin said:
If I didn’t know her I would have been able to say know, I just felt in such a bad position.
On 01/10/08 at 11:26 am
carlos said:
I had the same thing happen to me and a couple of friends…but this chick was kind of cute…but she had the best stage performance out of everyone…or maybe it was just cause we were there…but she had some bomb moves…
On 01/10/08 at 3:21 pm
Kevin said:
I need a girl with bomb moves.
On 01/10/08 at 11:36 am
Trice said:
Did you know “Pole” sales were up. Mostly going in new houses. I am waiting for the “Pole Work’ out DVD.
On 01/10/08 at 3:22 pm
Kevin said:
Wow I need to expand my dating pool
On 01/10/08 at 12:02 pm
Nichole E. said:
Ugh…I hope you smacked all your friends in the back of the head after that. I see a trend with golfing and strip clubs. Maybe you could save some time and bring a stripper with and she can dance on the flag poles while you golf? Nevermind…I am right there with you on running into people who were never your friend. My ten year reunion was a couple years ago and I have no idea why I went. Like you, I am still friends with the people who mattered to me back then. I still live in the town I graduated in and on occasion I’ll see someone I went to school with. I have mastered the art of pretending not to see someone.
On 01/10/08 at 3:23 pm
Kevin said:
That is a great idea… I know how I am going to spend my summer.
On 01/10/08 at 12:45 pm
Isha said:
Actually, I was at Planned Parenthood one day, getting some goodies for safe loving and I saw one of my good friends from my HS Band days. I tried to dodge but she saw me, she was just about to have an abortion performed. I stood there shocked and awed….Planned parenthood int the best place to get reacquainted with an old friend.
On 01/10/08 at 3:24 pm
Kevin said:
Ouch… just um.. wow
On 01/10/08 at 2:45 pm
Vadella said:
That was hilarious. A few friends of mine ran into a girl I was best friends with in high school at a strip club. And yes, she was a dancer. They were so rude to her. I personally haven’t met up with someone I wouldn’t have wanted to see.
On 01/10/08 at 3:24 pm
Kevin said:
I always run into people I never want to see.
On 01/10/08 at 2:51 pm
Peter (myspace) said:
dude thanks for sharing this story. This had me LOL here at work.
I have the same rule about going to strip clubs. Except for the Spearmint Rhino here in L. A. where all the strippers look like freaking porn stars.
On 01/10/08 at 3:31 pm
Kevin said:
Sigh… I miss the Rhino
On 01/10/08 at 3:00 pm
Alison said:
Oh gross. Poison lovin stripper is bad enough, having to look at her is awful. I’m so sorry for your terrible experience. But damn it did make for a good blog. Kudos for not puking on her.
On 01/10/08 at 3:31 pm
Kevin said:
My pain is your joy.
On 01/10/08 at 3:11 pm
Girl said:
Occupation: stripper.
Unlikely that anyone from my hometown will ever show up where I work but if it did happen, there is just NO WAY I’d approach them and would avoid them at all cost if they tried to approach me.
A few years ago, though, I was attending open house night at my daughters elementary school. She excitedly led me over to meet her new friends parents. I greeted mom and as I turned to greet dad, I realized he was a recent custy at the club, one that I’d shook down for quite a few dances.
While I felt uncomfortable, poor guy looked like he was in actual physical pain.
On 01/10/08 at 3:32 pm
Kevin said:
Once again I would just like to note that I love you.
On 01/10/08 at 3:15 pm
woof woof said:
I have not talked to this one girl since high school. And then she started to talk to me.Well my sons Aunt had worked with her and that Aunt killed herself. She found my son on MYSPACE and that should have clued me into that witch. She then found me through him. My son had just turned 16 the month before. I found emails to him FROM her hitting on his big time. She ISNT PRETTY. And she is MARRIED to a officer and has two kids my sons age. I waiting till I was calm. Then emailed her and said I WOULD NEVER TRY TO FUCK YOUR SON! WHY DID YOU EVER TRY TO FUCK MINE… sometimes friends coming into your life isnt a welcome thing..BTW reunion is coming up and she is on the committee:)(one of the parties is at her house bring your kids,, I am not making this shit up! I am GOING TO THE REUNION:) HAHAHAHA:) Someone is going to be very scared. I even found very pornish pictures of her:) YES I DID:)
On 01/10/08 at 3:33 pm
Kevin said:
Are they hot?
On 01/10/08 at 3:30 pm
Jolly Green Girl said:
No, no stripper horror story here.. but last time I went home. I ended up seeing my high school sweetheart. haven’t seen him in 10 years. Anyways we ended up having dinner with my younger brother since we were all neighbors growing up. Afterward… he wanted to show me his law office by himself which was innocent enough although my brother didn’t look too pleased. Well, he tried to seduce me in his office and he’s married. There was even a picture of his wife on his desk! I politely declined but totally killed the reunion mood. Then he proceeded to email me about how he wanted to leave his wife and come live with me. I was like WTF!?!?!? I mean yes he was my first boyfriend, and that’s something special but we haven’t seen each other in over ten years not to mention the devastation it would be to his wife and family. I told him that wasn’t a possibility. Sometimes reunions just suck.
On 01/10/08 at 3:34 pm
Kevin said:
But he is a lawyer
On 01/10/08 at 6:00 pm
Jolly Green Girl said:
Good point! Do you mean lawyers are all dishonest or I should have gotten with him because he’s a lawyer?
On 01/10/08 at 4:34 pm
lessa said:
ran into a girl the other day in a department store dressing room that tried to sleep with me in high school. talk about uncomfortable! she pinned me with her cell and asked for my number. i gave her the wrong one…….is that bad?
On 01/10/08 at 4:47 pm
Kevin said:
That is perfectly ok
On 01/10/08 at 4:55 pm
Arjewtino said:
I avoided my high school reunion for the same reasons but some friends of mine went and said they had a great time and that people had changed.
I still don’t buy it.
On 01/11/08 at 9:46 am
Shieldmaiden96 said:
I go to see which of the jocks that were mean to me are fat and bald. (Answer: most of them. Karma’s a bitch.)
On 01/10/08 at 6:38 pm
Nicole said:
I am with you on never going to HS reunions. I graduated with about 160 people and I talk to 3 of them now. I am cool with that, they are the only 3 that I really cared about anyways.
Sorry about the stipper thing though…I used to hang out in this strip club with my friends when I was younger, long story but it really was the only bar in the town that I lived in at the time. The strippers worked in a seperate room, and between dances, I would chat with the girls, you know girl talk chit chat, etc. What was weird for me was seeing one of the strippers outside of that club, like when I was standing in line at the grocery store, or sitting in a restaurant with my dad. And they would always want to say hi….
On 01/10/08 at 8:16 pm
.45 said:
I’m pretty sure most of the girls from my high school are now stripping to support children of unknown origin, that is, the ones that weren’t good looking enough to get a corporate job.
On 01/10/08 at 10:16 pm
Audrey said:
Why would you go to a strip bar that 80% are ugly girls…Hilarious Blog…and Poison…just classic!
On 01/14/08 at 1:05 am
Avalon said:
I got a better one:
I’m the stripper…and I realize that I’m dancing for one of my former students…who I taught 8th grade algebra to….7 years ago when he was 14.
On 01/14/08 at 11:24 am
Angie said:
What would you do if your son was at home
crying all alone on the bedroom floor, cause he’s hungry
and the only way to feed him is to strip for a man,
for a little bit of money, and his daddy’s gone
somewhere smokin’ rock now in and out of lock down
I got a job now
so for you this is just a good time,
but for me this is what i call life
**
On 01/14/08 at 6:27 pm
Avalon said:
Why did some dude’s picture show up instead of my avatar? And why did you go to a strip club where the girls are ugly?
On 01/15/08 at 10:09 am
cyberpunk said:
dang that was uncomfortable, but oh so funny!
I wonder if she reads blogs…