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Drunken Mistakes Vol. 17: The Worst Birthday Present Ever

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/8/08 @ 8:45 am

The problem with me living in a college town for so many years after I was actually in college was that that bar scene was influenced by when students were in session and when they weren’t. While the summer and winter breaks were still good because of the various local people, students home from college, and the lake crowd being in town week long breaks mid-semester often left the bars like a ghost town. This usually wasn’t a big deal except for the fact that my birthday for consecutive years landed on spring break.drunk birthdayNow most logical people would just go to a different place for their birthday, where they know other large groups of people are going to be. But my friends and I were pretty loyal to the bar we always went to plus add in the factor that we didn’t have to drive and we were hooked. So for a few years in a row my birthday really kind of blew in the fun category, it was just us going out to the same bar getting hammered with no people to annoy with our reveling. Basically it was just like any other night out on the town.

For a few years we had a habit of bringing a camera out with us and telling girls that it was a certain person’s birthday. If they gave them a kiss they could do a shot with us, needless to say the film from those few birthdays have been destroyed just in case anyone wants to run for office. Those birthdays were fun and out of control but mine seemed to taper out after my 21st birthday.

One birthday was especially bad; I had broken up with my girlfriend and wasn’t dating anyone. We went out to the bar for my birthday where I got horribly drunk and I decided that it was my birthday and I could not have a sexless birthday night. I proceeded to walk around the bar offering up my services to any lady that would listen, saying it was my birthday and I was too cute not to have sex. Needless to say this wasn’t an approach most women dug, some turned their backs and ignored me. Others humored and talked to me only to break my heart when I tried to close the deal.

pudding cupThe night went on and I kept drinking and offering. Drinking and offering, then just drinking, and then even more drinking. Then finally drinking to a point where I blacked out. Everything was kind of a blur from about 1am on; I woke up at 6 am naked on the bottom of a bunk bed with my junk and stomach covered in pudding and empty pudding cups next to the bed. I look beside me and see a girl that could politely be described is horribly unattractive even for a mutant.

I decided that I needed to get out of her apartment which looked to be a sorority house where multiple people were sharing rooms, this was no easy task covered in pudding. I could have been a dick and just grabbed one of her pieces of clothing from the ground and wiped myself off. But I figured that since she was nice enough to do something with me, pudding, and nakedness for my birthday that I couldn’t just ruin her clothing. (See…I have a heart.) So I manned up and just put my clothes on over the pudding. I snuck out of the house and walked home to mine where I showered and headed back to bed until sometime around dinner.

When I emerged from my room I was regaled with a story of how the night went. My friends connected to the dots for me, including where pudding girl came into play. Apparently towards the end of the night pudding girl game into the bar with some friends slightly inebriated. I gave her it’s my birthday and I need to have sex line, this impressed her because of my forwardness and she proceeded to talk extremely dirty to me and how she wanted to lick pudding off of my penis. We talked for a few more minutes, had a few more shots, and determined it was time to go. I proudly turned to my friends and announced for the entire bar to hear that I was going to go have this girl lick pudding off of my balls for my birthday.

Apparently she did just that. Happy birthday to me… Of course weeks went by where I had to deal with the verbal barbs at me, including.

-man there isn’t enough pudding in the world to make your balls look attractive.
-did you cover her face with pudding so you could sleep with her?
-did she mix your homemade tapioca with the chocolate from the snack pack?

Lesson learned:

Ugly girls will do anything if alcohol and pudding are involved.

I don’t even know what question to end this with.

This is being linked to from humor-blogs.com you should check out that site.

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

40 Responses to “Drunken Mistakes Vol. 17: The Worst Birthday Present Ever”

  1. Nicole says:

    OMG, that was you? You thought I was ugly? No wonder you never called!! Damn it!

  2. Alex says:

    Reading your blog makes me feel better about myself – especially with this post.

  3. Marcie says:

    my 21st birthday was crazy the bar was crazy, everyone caught wind that it was my birthday and i got so trashed i threw up, lost my pants and woke up with my best male friend….(found my pants where i was supposed to be sleeping that night haha) i drove across town without pants and slept with a friend..

    we’ve both put it behind us and act as if nuttin happened

    but people still ask me if i found my pants…

    (i got shut off from a bar i didnt know i went to…i thought i left 1 bar and went home…i actually left one bar to another and they wouldnt serve me NUTTIN!)

  4. JiMoe says:

    I know what question you should have ended with.

    “Have you ever had pudding licked off your balls?” for the guys and for the ladies, “Have you ever licked pudding off a guys balls?”

  5. em em says:

    Well I don’t want any pudding anymore. Somehow that is just unappetizing to me, whether giver or receiver in that situation. Easy to clean foods are one thing, but cripes, pudding? Try explaining those sheets, ew.

  6. Angie says:

    Ah, the stories to tell the grandkids.

  7. That Guy says:

    after my 21st, i woke up feeling great at 10AM, till i stood up. fell right the fuck over into a drunken heap.
    looked next to my bed, and saw a pair of hooker boots sitting there, still never figured out who’s boots they where.
    then i saw a bird flying around in my room. this was awkward because it was febuary and approximately -10 degrees outside.

    i’m just happy i didnt shit out any feathers.

  8. Isha says:

    Wow. Just when I thought I had some really crazy sex stories….you come with this. I’ve never drank to the point of passing out ’cause for some damn reason, I never stay drunk for more than an hour but by then…heh..lemme not get into that. So…pudding eh??? Did you make sure she didnt take inches off trying to eat it?…lmao

  9. deborah says:

    Hey, your lucky she wasnt some kind of WEIRDO and got something else to lick something else off your penis!!!!!!!!! Hey u had a good birthday….. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

  10. kate says:

    my 21st birthday involved a shitload of drinks, a trip to a local lake, and my best guy friend.

  11. Matty says:

    Should I tell my birthday “sex with the chick that reminded me of Kim Catrall in Porky’s” experience?

    Maybe I’ll save it for a guest blog on your site.

  12. lori says:

    ugly girls will not do anything for sex dammit i like my pudding pube free kthxbye…lmao…but fat girls now them hoe’s will eat pudding off your hairy ballsack so you will slap that ass and ride the wave heehee

  13. Miss Shawnee Leigh says:

    Wow. I’m glad I’m hot and don’t have much of a sweet tooth. I can rule myself out.

  14. Melissa says:

    I wish I could have been laid on my 21st…no pudding though, I prefer Jello. Which is kinda hard when you think about it, but I’m up for the challenge.

    Oh, there’s always my 22nd in February. Hint hint ;)

  15. shannon says:

    Hmmm.. still looking at fat girl remark.

    umkay over it. Pudding babeh. A donkey and some midgets would be great…

    Don’t ask me… … I’m horny for all the above.

  16. I’m happy to hear it was pudding and not honey. I hear honey is much more difficult and not quite as fun…=D

  17. Dana says:

    A guy I knew once got kicked out of the bar for being obnoxious, then went back in through the back door, was able to buy a shot before they noticed it was him, got kicked out, snuck in through the men’s room window, had friends bring shots to the bathroom, got kicked out, ATTEMPTED to sneak in through the dog door in back. got his ass kicked….out. I laughed. a lot.

  18. Amanda S. says:

    Damn…just damn…and I bet you can’t look at a pudding cup and not think of her. Wow.

  19. michi says:

    hahahaha this is hilarious. ive had something like that happen to me on a first date before, it was definitely a difficult task to not just stay drunk that day, rather than deal with it. this story cracked me up.

  20. jamie says:

    lmao!!!! my best friend has a story like this~ i still give him crap about it to this day! …..10 years later!!!!! lmao it was great!!!!

  21. [...] Drunken Mistakes Vol. 17: The Worst Birthday Present Ever from Pointless Banter [...]

  22. LoneStarBrit says:

    Oh I’ve done some weird drunken shit, but I never did that. Thanks I feel so much better about myself now.

    By the way, I just threw away the sugar free pudding I had in my fridge – guess I need to find some other guiltless sweet snack now.

  23. Michele says:

    I think maybe this beats getting busted having sex by guys with bayonets and wearing knickers at a historical sight. At least I remember what happened. :)

  24. tammy says:

    on the up side… at least it wasn’t peanut butter!

  25. Alison says:

    HAHA…I’m trying not to laugh so hard that the pudding shoots outta my…nevermind. Good story.

  26. chris says:

    You’re all worthy candidates for inclusion in our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin, 2006), http://www.thesharkguys.com (especially the historical re-enactment fetishist). Too bad it’s already out as you guys would be great source material…

  27. Jordan says:

    it shows how sheltered an upbringing you’ve had if your idea of the worst birthday present involves sex and pudding

  28. [...] Drunken Mistakes Vol. 17: The Worst Birthday Present Ever from Pointless Banter [...]

  29. Nick Mathe says:

    u r a fucking moron
    and i say that with all sensitivity
    maybe you need pudding enema

  30. Sarah says:

    This is why YOU RULE. Oh yeah and you better put out another book like this year MISTER!!!!! WE NEED A FOLLOW UP!!!!!

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