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Children, Airplanes, and Annoying Me

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/2/08 @ 8:18 am

Die HardI should have known that I was going to be in for a stressful flight. When I got on the shuttle bus from long term parking to the terminal “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC was playing on the radio. The last time someone was transported to or from an airport with that playing was John McClain in the first “Die Hard”. Basically I had to brace myself to fight terrorists and come up with some pithy dialog, something I was more than willing to do.

On the first leg of my flight to Atlanta, or the ATL as black people or Jim Rome listeners call it, I settled into my seat and opened up my selected reading, Juggs Magazine slipped into a copy of ‘Gone with the Wind’. After we took off and I began to doze off a little bit when I felt a tug on my shirt on the window side. It startled me a little bit, I feared for the worst; there could actually be snakes on the plane, a much worse movie plot to repeat than Die Hard. I turned to look and saw the little hands of a child between the ages of one and two; I peered through the crack between the seat and the window and saw the little guy’s face. He had a pacifier in his mouth and gave me a smile, all happy to be playing with my shirt, cute right?

Well I couldn’t have this touching moment ruin my flight, I quickly unbuckled my belt, turned around, and knelt on my chair. I grabbed the kid out of his mother’s arms and swung him over my head, right before chucking him down the aisle where he slammed into the beverage card. His mother made eye contact with me and I screamed, “Bitch, control your kid.”

Okay, that didn’t happen. The child was really well behaved on the flight, poked me a little bit but it was all good. He didn’t cry and was a shining example of how a kid should behave on a flight.

I felt pretty good about the first leg of my flight, no delays, no psychos, and an overall relaxing trip thus far. Of course the fact that my thoughts were all positive absolutely cursed the second part of my trip.

big mommas houseOn the next leg of the flight I boarded the flight and noticed that I had a girl about the age of 7 sitting directly behind me. Her mother looked like Martin Lawrence in ‘Big Momma’s House’ and the girl looked like a miniature version of that. When I was sitting down I actually thought to myself for a second, “What the fuck is Martin Lawrence doing on my flight dressed in drag and a fat suit?”

After we took off I got the first of what were approximately 1,200,007 kicks to the back of my seat. Apparently Big Momma Junior has an active leg and loved to use my chair as a soccer ball. The kicks to the seat weren’t the worst part of the whole thing for me, nor was the 150 times she put up and down her tray. This girl has the bladder of a newborn and needed to get up no fewer than seven times on the flight. When she got out of her chair she would grab onto the top of my chair and pull herself to her feet. My chair would arch back under the strain of a fat little kid hanging from it. This acted like a catapult like motion that awoke me at least three out of the seven times she did it, each time I thought my head was going to snap forward and hit the seat in front of me.

At one point I thought about turning around and saying something but I knew it would just create an uncomfortable situation and that in the long run wouldn’t be worth it. Plus when I thought about it she is going to have to go through her entire life looking Martin Lawrence in “Big Moma’s House” and I would go through life looking like a plumper version of Jeremy Piven, advantage me… So bite on that. I just swallowed my pride and looked over the shoulder of the guy next to me who was reading Vibe magazine, Kayne had such a good year.

What are some of your flying horror stories?

This is being cross posted at humor-blogs.com

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

56 Responses to “Children, Airplanes, and Annoying Me”

  1. Lori says:

    Ok, so this is the first time I’ve commented on here and I was reading this at work. At which point I had to put my head down and laugh. Then I was so rudely interrupted by a phone call. And as luck would have it, a screaming child was in the background. I’m pretty sure you jinxed me !

  2. Kevin says:

    It is like the ring or something

  3. sporkgasm says:

    on my way to europe i had requested an aisle seat so i could get up and stretch my legs now and again. oh, i got my aisle seat. the one right in front of the bathroom that didn’t fucking recline. 17 hours having to sit up straight really sucks. on the way back my video monitor didn’t work. i finished 3 books. it was awful.

  4. Trice says:

    Why just the other day my darling child and I sat behind a some white guy who kept farting all the way to ATL. Every time my darling child got up to use the bathroom she had to grab hold of the seat in front of her and he would fart! And he kept looking back at us as my sweet child pretended to swing. The nerve of him! I think he was reading dirty magazines. I should have had him arrested for endangering my little angle!

  5. Charlotte says:

    Thanks so much for reminding me of the 5 hour, non-stop, red eye to Cali I spent next to a much older fella on his way to a sewage plant convention (I kid you not). He had breath that smelled like said sewage, and wanted to repeatedly talk about the mile high club, and then followed me to the bathroom! *cringe*

  6. Brett Summers says:

    One time I had this kid sitting in the seat infront of mine who kept turning around and looking back at me. This Eddie Munster looking creepy kid just kept staring at me so I started mouthing the word no and shaking my head at him. This made him nod his head and say over and over, “Yes..yes…yes” to every “no” I mouthed. It began to drive the kid insane until he started crying and his brainless mother finally got him to sit down. My friend who was with me couldnt stop laughing and said I was the meanest human on the face of the earth. Mean…no. Sadly self entertaining…yes.

  7. They put me in charge of Nursery at church to whip those bratty little Goldfish cracker addicts into shape. I made them cry by refusing them My Little Pony fruit snacks until they cleaned up all the toys. I’m a natural.

    I’m intrigued that someone endangered Trice’s little angle. It’s so hard to comfort little angles because they’re like all pointy and stuff.

  8. David says:

    Flying from Rochester to Portland, Maine with an emergency stop in Boston. Seems that some fat ass about five rows in front of me decided that 30,000 feet was the perfect altitude for a heart attack. Sitting on the ground, front door open in the dead of winter, watching two firefighter and two emt’s trying to get this 450 lbs whale out of this airplane that isn’t much bigger then a ford pinto! Hangover in full effect and a lady behind me crying because she is on her way to a funeral for a family member who just had “the big one.” Let me not forget the six hour lay-over in the shit hole known as Logan International.

    • Marcie says:

      logan is a shit hole….

      I will never fly out of there….it is a disaster to get anywhere in that place…

      i fly from Manchester NH if I need too..

      in fact I hate flying so much…i actually drive for a day or more if i want to go somewhere and i have time to drive…its alot more peaceful.

    • Kevin says:

      Logan might be the worst airport on the face of the earth… plus their security is um… a little um.. weak.

  9. katie says:

    Well I just finished reading this and I have to say I hate traveling!! this brings soo many memories back… Nice blog

  10. Susanno says:

    I can’t believe you counted that kicks ..LOL

  11. punxxi says:

    ya gotta learn to zone when you fly.

  12. The Muse says:

    When adults kick my seat I just make sure I lean back really hard into their knees! Just push the recline button, aim, lean back fast and hard. Works every time. When kids do it I turn around, peer over the top of the seat giving my best “Mommy Dearist” look and say, “The pilot told me that this red button on my armrest can be used to eject you from the plane if you keep kicking my seat!”

    That’s it! I’m publishing my little “Traveling Rules for Idiots” manual. I’ll give them away free at the airport, while dressed in Hare Krishna orange robes. I will NOT shave my head however.

  13. Beth says:

    So..it’s been a while a go. But my work was flying me to AZ. and on first class. Nice! Needless to say I was a little late boarding the plane. But I took my seat..was offered a drink..asked what I would like for dinner. Shrimp or Steak…hmmm…not bad I was thinking. This gay dude next to me was talking about Rodeo Drive, and all these parties with celebs..he was entertaining! Well,all the sudden the pilot comes on and says we’re having trouble, the air conditioner broke. OK..so what? We unload and walk all the fucking way to the other end of the airport to board a smaller plane. I take my seat..excited about my dinner and free drinks, when the “flight attendant” comes up to me to say,”Miss. we need you to move to the back”..I said “Excuse me!”…” This is a smaller plane,you see..and since you were late on boarding the first flight, I would have to give up my seat. It felt like something out of Seinfeld. So..I was red,embarrassed,took my seat in coach..and smelled shrimp and steak while I drank my soda and ate my pretzels. Figures!

  14. Matty says:

    Does the old lady sitting next to me vomiting a few times on an hour and a half flight count? I could even tell that she likes spicy food too, from the smell anyway.

  15. Josh says:

    This was a funny one, but I just laughed at the notion of Martin Lawrence just wearing the fat suit in public for no real reason.

  16. Sarah says:

    flying back from Las Vegas with a fat middle eastern man farting currie farts all the way back to Michigan.

  17. Dobie says:

    Oh the horrors of travel… The most common time in existence for Murphy’s laws to make themselves ever so apparent. Did I turn the oven off, is the Dog fed, did I switch the ether out on the new meth batch? So many damn things tug at your mind that you can’t possibly get it narrowed down to a coherent thought pattern. Hence why everyone you run into at the airport or train depot looks half retarded and completely self-absorbed…

  18. Sophia Sturges says:

    I don’t care. I will endure all of this! I’m still excited about flying in February. Anything to escape 20 below zero. Meh.

  19. Dana says:

    I was on a flight where the seats are already given to you. Thanks to some horrible Plane God, I sat in the middle between a married couple. Not so bad. BUT. twist to this story. Neither of them spoke a LICK of English. Oh and. The lady was the type to talk your ear off. So. There I am, in the middle of a couple yammering to each other in what I can only attempt to classify as spanish, then she’s jabbering to me. 3 hours. I tried telling her I didn’t speak spanish or whatever. she just smiled and kept talking.

    I guess Karma was on my side on the way back home, though. I got a free show from the guy next to me. We had TV’s on the seats ahead of us, so we could watch and not have to talk to people next to us. The guy next to me? he thought championship golf was THE FUNNIEST THING HE’S EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE. Seriously. He stopped laughing enough to order a drink, thank the lady for his peanuts and that’s about it. I never knew golf was so damn funny.

  20. amy says:

    on a flight from new york to la i paid for the seats in the middle row so i could push up the cup holders and lay down. well, this stupid lady came and sat in one of my seats! i’m such a push over that i didn’t slap her in the face and tell her to move her fat ass back to her own seat, and it’s not my fault she was so large she couldn’t fit comfortably in the isle seat that she paid for… so i had to sleep in two seats. bitch.

  21. Gracie says:

    The worst flying experience I had was flying from Chicago to Phoenix with a business associate, er, adversary. She talked the whole damn way and all I could think about was putting my fist down her throat.

  22. Karl Rove says:

    I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. On a flight from Ohio (which is nowhere near my home state) a couple of years ago I noticed that the guy who ran the funeral home in my hometown was on the same flight as me. Strange coincidence, and a little creepy. I thought I was going to go through some kind of Final Destination thing when I saw him.

  23. Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    Going home for Christmas this year an airline I shall not name (fucking northwest cockclowns) decide to put my duaghter, age 4, and I on different flights, then once that got worked out they put her in seat 5b and me n seat 22d. Anyone see a problem here? Northwest didn’t. lucky for me the guy in seat 5a figured out he didnt want to sit there.

    On the way home I got to hear a gay guy hitting on a european league basketball player (yeah I didnt know it existed either) It was pretty funny and the basketball guy was clueless until I leaned forward and asked him when the gay guy went to the bathroom “Is it just me or is he wanting to dribble on your balls?” Ok, I didnt put it quite that way.

  24. Natalie says:

    A combined 10 hours on two planes over the course of 13 hours with a 1 yr. old who just learned to walk(and therefore wanted to practice his newfound skill no matter where we were, on the plane or in a crowded airport, and if he couldn’t, would throw progressively worse tantrums)and me with the worst cold ever. It sucked. Hard.

  25. A plump Jeremy Piven…. really? Give yourself a little more credit there, Buddy.

  26. Kathy says:

    I flew first-class once on a trip to Vegas. First time ever flying in luxury, a once-in-a-lifetime thing. The airline went belly-up while we were there and we had to take the red eye home on another airline — not in first class. I wish I’d never know what that felt like. To have known it and have it ripped away was worse than not having had it at all.

  27. [...] bookmarks tagged pithy Children, Airplanes, and Annoying Me saved by 13 others     Icethehedgehog bookmarked on 01/02/08 | [...]

  28. diesel says:

    I once had to fly across country with a sick child who was crying the whole time. We got 45 minutes out and we lost an engine and had to turn around and do it all over again.

  29. julie says:

    worst plane ride EVER: i happened to be travelling at the height of sars. boarded china air and all the flight attendants were wearing masks and were handing it out to all the passengers (i refused mine). thats not even the worst part…as soon as we boarded we were led to an area where they had to take our temperature. you just hoped to god you don’t get quarantined.

  30. julie says:

    p.s. i have pictures
    every person on that plane wore a mask and they all looked paranoid

  31. Bella-Trix says:

    Most times when I fly its the long haul to goo’ ol’ Germany (ol’ West Berlin). I have two kids & because I know that there are plenty of child-less people walking this planet: I prepare.
    I buy about 5 or so large packs of ear-plugs (2.5 for one way and the rest for the return flight). This is for the flight over the water only though. I figured its a nice enough gesture to offer for others, and makes peace before anything even can go wrong.
    Just in case my kids act up (throw up, cry or simply just being normal well behaved kids on a long ass flight). As soon as everyone has settled in, I ask the people in front of me, behind me & next to me on both sides if they have any issues, in regards to my kids behavior; to please let me know right away. And if they would like to have a quieter flight that I have about 30 pair of ear plugs I happily give a pair to any one that wants one.
    Funny enough, my kids are always the best behaved kids on the airplane and people ask me if they could have a pair to block out the noise from all the other kids. Its happened quite often that people from rows half-a-way across the airplane or the stewardesses asked me if I could please share one for a frustrated passenger.
    I am all for comfort. Being on an airplane and not flying 1st class is a pain in the ass:
    For anyone.
    Kids and adults alike.
    Fact is, that I can only control my kids to a certain point. Mainly behavior of course (not kicking the seats, talking quietly etc etc). But there is a chance that one of them suddenly gets an earache, or throws up, or cries or what have you. Its for all of those times that I as a parent can’t do anything about that the least I can do is not make anyone else around me miserable for hours on end.
    At least I feel thats my responsibility as a parent:
    So I give away free ear plugs with a warm smile & I have yet have to encounter people around me that are annoyed or rude to me.
    Seriously its well worth the “investment” I make in them.
    Kiss Kiss

  32. You should have tossed a chicken bone into the aisle every 15 minutes or so to get the girl up and out of her chair before you required traction in your neck. People on planes never cease to amaze me.My last flight, we sat across from the fattest dude I had ever seen, he was so large that the guy seated beside him told the stewardess (in the fat guy’s presence) that he couldn’t sit there, as the fat dude was sitting partially on him in his seat. They moved the complaining guy, the fat guy then asked for a seat belt extender, and used the empty seat beside him’s table as his buffet landing strip. Then when he fell asleep, I kept looking to see if he was still breathing, and as if nothing else mattered, he let out such a roaring fart, I thought the plane was going to split apart. Seriously. He should have been charged a double fare. It was disgusting, and he was sweating like a fool.

  33. Laurie says:

    My husband has long legs, so on the red eye back from Hawaii, we asked to have the seat in front that has the wall in front of you because of all the extra leg room. Well, they put us in front, right by the flight attendants station. All night they kept asking my husband to move his legs because that’s where they parked their serving cart. We also had to listen to stories of their bad dates, personal sex lives and, ahhh, it went on and on. Plus, to try and zone out their banter, I thought I’d watch whatever movie they were showing, only to find the screen was in back of us on the wall, that should have been in front of us. What’s up with that?

  34. Chondra says:

    Hi there…this is my first time here, but I will definitely be coming back. There is nothing like airline horror stories, considering we are basically prisoners up there in the friendly skies. I would share my stories here, but I have many a rant:) Actually, this link is to an open letter I wrote to all those irritating little freakshows we run into on planes, if you are interested:

    Keep up the laughs and I will keep on coming back!

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