Archive for January, 2008

If You Have a Second Life You May Want to Consider Getting a First One

For those of you that don’t know, Second Life is a giant online video game where people can establish alternate realities for themselves. I don’t like Second Life. I don’t get the appeal of it, I don’t want to get the appeal of it, and I have open disdain for it. We were talking about a couple in class the other night that was having marital difficulties because the husband was married to another woman in the game Second Life. While it could not be considered adultery, even though their avatars were having sex online, it could be considered grounds for divorce and in some cases it has been. (And really if you haven’t had avatar sex with someone with a horses head, well I guess you haven’t lived.)

There have been articles written about this (like this one) that talk about people getting things from these cyber relationships that they can’t get at home. I get that, sometimes you need an outlet that you might not be getting at home. Your significant other might not have the same interests, so it is good to discuss certain topics with people online, establish some friendships. That is totally logical, but when it gets to the point where you are getting married to another character and banging them, well haven’t we crossed the line a tad? Don’t you think you may want to disconnect from the internet for awhile and talk to your partner saying something like, “Honey, you know how I always ask you to use the feather duster to tickle my anus while hooking the car battery up to my testicles and you refuse? Well I found someone online that will do that for me on Second Life. That is why I go on there every night after work for 8 hours, you see I am not balancing our stock portfolio. I think we need to work something out, like maybe just using Duracells instead of a car battery”

How do you get to a point in your life where you are basically so disillusioned with your relationship that you decide that having a fake one with an image onscreen is the way to go? I think this makes real cheating so much more logical. Let’s take that crappy Zack Braff movie “Last Kiss” as an example, in the movie he cheats on his pregnant fiancé with a hot college chick. The fiancé flips out when finding out about this, understandably so. Now the girl Braff cheats on his girlfriend with is played by Rachel Bilson.

rachel bilson

While her hotness doesn’t make the cheating right or forgivable, at least you can somewhat wrap your head around it. A young college seductress that probably invigorates him and makes him feel free on some level. Versus let’s say a Second Life avatar:

second life avatar

Plus you have the added bonus that the avatar could be run by a dude, so your boyfriend has been having online sex with an avatar after building a relationship up with a “woman” that is probably actually another guy at the end of it. What makes you feel worse? If this happened in the movie his fiancé would probably have shot him.

If it were me and I was married or dating someone I would personally rather have her getting split into two by her personal trainer rather than her coming home getting on the computer for hours and having cyber sex with another cartoon character. Throw in her getting married in a game because she feels like I can’t give her what she wants emotionally and you have the worst possible situation ever. In fact this makes me want to never have a meaningful relationship so I don’t have to worry about it, so um who wants to go bang on Second Life?

Which do you think is worse, someone cheating on you in real life or someone cheating on you in an online video game?

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  • I am not an object

    This is an open letter to the lady that works at the sandwich counter at the local supermarket.

    Dear Ma’am,

    I am writing you this letter to inform you that I am not an object. Sure you see this manly exterior and think about me slapping you on the ass with freshly toasted wheat bread but guess what, I don’t get down like that. You need to understand that I am not an object but a person. I have thoughts and feelings… I think about the world around me and the causes of pain that people endure. I enjoy writing, reading, and talking about current events… not just banging.

    No this has nothing to do with you being 45, heavily overweight, and missing a good amount of your teeth. This has everything to do with my value as a person.

    Doris the lunchlady

    I just want you to know that every time I go up to order a sandwich and ask me what meat I want then purr salami it doesn’t turn me on. In fact it kind of disturbs me, you should know by now that I don’t want any Italian meat in my lunch.  Also when I say “Roast Beef” and you smile and wink at me it kind of creeps me out. I don’t want to think about what your meat curtains look like, in fact I don’t want to think about anything below your neck. It can’t be pretty…

    Sure that might be shallow of me but I want you to know I look at you as a person that makes my food. Now that might sound condescending but in all reality it is such an important job that I don’t want to mess with you or hurt your feelings. I don’t want spit in my mayo, boogers in my mustard,  or you giving me way too much lettuce and not enough fixins’. Plus if you cut down on the amount of cheese you put on my sandwich I might have to hop across the counter and knife you or even worse take one for the team and make out with you in the cooler. I can’t have anything come between me and my cheese.

    The last thing I want to happen is you and I having a falling out leading me to have to eat at Subway. In fact I would consider driving my car into a bridge embankment  rather than eating there multiple times a week. So I would like to take this time and establish some boundaries for you to follow.

    Things that are okay:

    You can still call me honey, sweetie, or sugar. I like it and it makes me feel special.

    We can still make small talk and even exchange pleasantries.

    You can leer at me and lick your lips but not when I am looking. Also you may masturbate to mental pictures of me at home but never let me know about it and make sure you wash your hands before coming into work.

    Things that are not okay:

    Using sexual innuendo at any time.

    Leering at me when we are making eye contact.

    Talking about gurgling my sperm at any point in time, sure it hasn’t happened yet but I just want to be on the safe side.

    Now if you can follow these rules we will have a much better relationship. Plus I will never have to go to Subway, which is really important to me in my life. I enjoy your tasty sandwiches and would hate to have to change the pattern of my lunchtime.

    Your Favorite Customer,

    Kevin

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  • Please delete your animated porn links

    I was in my Monday evening class last night and we were talking about the new web mail interface at our school. Each person in class was to evaluate a different design principle, pretty much a standard and uneventful class. I sat there thinking about what I was going to eat when I got out of class and anything else to pass the time… like important things like do I have a little piece of glass in the bottom of my left foot.

    webmail

    The professor logged onto his web mail and put it on the overhead projector so we could evaluate a common setup. Of course as soon as he logs in I start staring at what he has in his inbox. About 2/3 of the way down the screen there is a reply to an e-mail with the subject: animated porn. Then a few more e-mails below that that there was another e-mail with the same subject line.

    As the professor continued to lecture I had to hold back my laughter and wonderment of what the hell animated porn was. I wanted to know if anyone else noticed it and I swiveled my head around nonchalantly. Everyone was too busy playing on their own computer or reading over their notes for what they were going to say. I think I was the only one that spotted the animated porn subject, it was slowly eating me inside.

    So I decided at that point to watch the professor intently to see if he gets to a moment where he awakens and notices it. I wanted to mentally log the exact moment where you can tell he notices something that could be considered offensive to some people with lesser sensibilities. About five minutes went by before he was moving around the cursor on the screen and it hovered near one of the links, he kind of hopped back and then quickly went to another screen.

    Now at this point he was left with a choice, he could just avoid going back to his inbox as the lecture continued or he could go back and ignore that those e-mails were there. What do you think he went with? Option number three which was to go back while people were talking about the interface, hoping the class was distracted and delete them.

    You see I disagree with this move because I think it only draws more attention to the subject lines of those messages. Of course he went to delete them and I heard a giggle or two in the classroom.

    Part of me wanted to leap to my feet and say, “I like animated porn too, don’t be ashamed.” But I don’t think I have ever watched animated porn and I don’t know that cartoon chicks having sex would turn me on, unless it was Betty Rubble. Instead I sat there letting him melt away with an overriding sense of perversion encompassing him.

    betty rubble

    What a kinky bitch.

    So um, anyone up for some animated porn?

    This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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  • If You Don’t Own a TV You Are Probably An A-Hole or Poor

    After years of trying to figure out who catches my ire the most I think I have come to a conclusion. I would like to extend a big middle finger and a loud “fuck you” to people that don’t own televisions, well except the Amish. The Amish never really did anything to piss me off so I am giving you a free pass, but other Mennonites you are still on my radar of hate but that is another debate for another day.

    SupernannyAnyways, being in grad school I run into a lot of people that drop the reference that they don’t own a TV. When people announce that they don’t have a television in their home they act so morally and culturally superior that is drives me insane. Like I am a lesser person because you decide to sit at home and read War and Peace while listening to Ella Fitzgerald records. While I sit on the couch and watch Supernanny thinking to myself how I would totally do dirty things so Jo Jo would give me a stern talking to.

    Screw you… you judgmental pricks. Sure you could say that maybe I am being a little judgmental in this case but I am not wrong, they are. Reading all the books in the world and not letting pop culture corrupt you doesn’t turn you into an alpha human being. In fact it is leading you down a path you never will be able to recover from. One of being an outsider in society, because when John references what the hell happened on Lost at the water cooler on Friday you will look like a total douche bag for saying you never heard of it. Even worse is if you breed you are automatically creating a family of total misfits. Sure your kid might score a 1600 on the SAT but they will be getting the shit kicked out of them everyday because they have no idea who Hannah Montana is. I hope you feel all morally and culturally superior when your daughter comes home in tears with TWAT (probably spelt incorrectly) written on her backpack because she said she didn’t know who the Jonas Brothers were and only listened to Bach.

    Even worse than the tone these non-tv watchers speak in is their rant against television, that it is causing the moral and intellectual decline of this country. Like I have to sit there and feel bad about myself because I like to watch 75,000 hours of television a week. You know what, I’ve read Shakespeare and I would frankly rather watch an hour of the Wire than read that shit ever again. Don’t tell me that his work holds anymore water because it is a classic or that I can learn something about human nature. When you have a show with a gun totting, homosexual, scar faced, Robin Hood, sticking up drug dealers well that tops anything with people speaking in iambic pentameter.

    So screw you non-tv watchers….

    Am I the only one that feels this way?

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  • The Not So Gifted Little Kevin

    Last night I began to learn Flash animation in my new media design 2 class. For our first in class lab we had to make a stick figure that would walk onto the screen and do something. People had their figure do all kinds of stuff like dance, jump, do flips, and even the instructor had an anvil fall out of the sky hitting her stick figure in the head.

    What did I have my stick figure do?

    stick figureI had him walk out onto the screen, squat and poop… Not only did he poop but flames shot out of his ass while doing so. I figure you should always write what you know and that goes for design, there is nothing that I know more about in the world than poop. The professor walked by and kind of looked at it and giggled then mentioned something about me being disturbed. I wanted to say, “Well at least I didn’t have my stick figure spitting the poop back into another stick figures mouth.”

    That is going to be design project two.

    This whole thing reminded me of the time in third grade when we were asked to draw a Santa picture and I made a cut out of Santa on vacation. I had the people around me do the elves on vacation as well; it was just a different take than the typical rendering of Santa. For some reason this picture got some attention from the school’s staff and I ended up going to what was called “extended learning” a once a week class for the “gifted” kids.

    The problem was I was like the dumbest “gifted” kid in the class. There were kids that were in there that were building electronic devices in the third grade, reading novels, and painting art. Meanwhile my weekends consisted of me throwing a tennis ball against our garage door for at least five hours, watching cartoons, and riding bikes with my friends. Plus if you look at how the kids in that class turned out it tells you a lot about the intelligence in that room. One works at NASA, a couple are doctors, one is like an avant-garde filmmaker in San Francisco, and I don’t know about some of the others but they are all probably solving the world’s problems.  Meanwhile I am filming my reactions to 2 girls 1 cup. You know what?  Fuck NASA, I’ve never screwed up and caused a shuttle to blow up…. yet.

    I was in this program for four years until we moved into the junior/senior high school and it got disbanded. I think it was kind of like a lifetime membership thing, once you are in it you don’t leave. If you think about it though how can they kick you out? “Well you WERE gifted but you are no longer gifted and must leave the room immediately.”

    The peak or valley for me (depending on how you look at it) was when we were asked to talk about people that inspire or motivate us. We had to get together a little essay and present it to rest of our class. Kids got up there and talked about their parents, literary figures, world leaders, and who did I get up there and talk about… The A-team.

    ateam

    And honestly how can they not be considered inspirational just read the intro to the show:

    “In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”

    They solved problems when no one else could help, what is not inspirational about that?

    Needless to say at the end of my presentation I got one of those patronizing, “Well that was nice Kevin.” That bitch couldn’t recognize real talent.

    Did you do something that was misunderstood as a kid?

    This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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