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Keira Knightley and I Finally Meet Face to Face

By: Bobby Finstock on 12/31/07 @ 7:41 am

On my layover in Atlanta I was starving and had to find a place to eat. The Atlanta airport is so huge that there are numerous options, the only problem was because of the holiday traffic most places had long waits which I didn’t have time for. I swallowed my pride and decided that the Quiznos was looking pretty good and it wasn’t super ridiculously over priced like most airport fare. By the way, which pricing is worse? Airport prices or prices on rest stops on toll roads like the thruway in New York? How is this total price raping even acceptable? You should never have to pay $9.00 for McDonald’s under any circumstances…ever.

Back to the story, I got into the long ass line and began to check my e-mail via my phone. It wasn’t like I was expecting an important message or anything; I just felt that it made me look like a mover and shaker even though I was looking at Viagra ads and home refinancing options. As the line moved I looked up to see the girl in line ahead of me, she was rather thin, wearing fashionable close, and I had a feeling that she was rather attractive. She turned her head slightly to reveal a high cheekbone faced that looked like…. Keira Knightley.

keira knightleyI began to freak out, could it really be her? Why would she be eating Quiznos? Why would she be in the Atlanta airport alone? How come nobody else noticed her? How do I explain to her that I wrote a blog about wanting to get a date with her so it could end with me giving her the shocker? Would it be wrong to grab her and make out with her on the chip rack?

These questions flooded me at once. And I answered them in my head because that is just how I work.

Could it really be her? Sure I have seen numerous famous people on regular flights and hanging out in airports before, not every celebrity has a private jet even though we like to think that. Plus she can’t be that loaded, her recent run at the box office has been pretty bad and she has resorted to returning to artsy English movies. Maybe she will be on my flight and we can join the mile high club? Or even get a quick handie in the galley, although her boney hands might just bring pain.

Why would she be eating Quiznos? She is from England where the food is shit, she doesn’t know any better.

Why would she be in the Atlanta Airport alone? Not everyone has an entourage; maybe she is on her way back to England for the holidays and her staff is in LA or something. Or maybe she is preparing to do a movie and wants to examine how the other half lives… However, I think it boils down to her just stalking me. That crazy little bitch.

How come nobody else noticed her? Well it is Atlanta, unless she was a dog murder nobody down here cares. Honestly if I ever see a “Free Mike Vick” t-shirt again I am beating that person to death because they are too stupid to live. Note to African American’s: if you want to support a cause of injustice that directly impacts society and your race why don’t you wear a “Free the Jena 6″ shirt, you know the real victims of injustice. (Wow didn’t mean to take a serious turn there.)

How do I explain to her that I wrote a blog about wanting to get a date with her so it could end with me giving her the shocker? I don’t think I need to tell her, you know one of her publicist’s googled her name and found it one day. They thought about setting us up on a date but then thought better of it as they didn’t want her coming back saying, “He put two in the pink and one in the stink, that bugger.” (All English people say bugger, right?)

Would it be wrong to grab her and make out with her on the chip rack? No, nothing would be hotter than a bag of salt n vinegar chips getting shoved where the sun doesn’t shine, plus women love this type of spontaneous romantic shit. Of course some might not find this spontaneous or romantic and would possibly consider it sexual assault; I don’t need another strike on my record.

Finally, after answering all these questions in my head her cell phone rang. When she answered it, she turned fully my way and revealed herself to not be Keira Knightley. My dreams of a chip rack make out session were ruined, so I just went back to reading the e-mail on my phone and dreaming of what could have been.

Is making out on a chip rack in line tacky?

This is being cross posted at humor-blogs.com

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

27 Responses to “Keira Knightley and I Finally Meet Face to Face”

  1. Gern says:

    I think the condiment counter is better. It gives it a certain “9 1/2 Week’s” ambiance to it.

  2. Katie says:

    I would of been equally excited to meet her. I’m sure she would of enjoyed her one bite of sandwich. Which sandwich did you order? How was it? Inquiring minds want to know.

  3. Douleur says:

    Atlanta airport sucks.

    I ate at the Chilis upstairs and got my food before my beer and the only closest thing I saw to anyone famous was the basketball players on the TV.

    Not to mention the fact that the majority of people in airports are as ugly as sin. But then again, ugly people have to fly to.

    Happy New Year Kev.

  4. j e s s i c a says:

    My husband and I make out on the chip rack all the time, it’s totally hot.

  5. Aiyisha or Isha...either way who gives a shit. says:

    You should have laid her right there on the counter man. To heck with the chip rack. Don’t forget to lift the leg up to your side. But I really want to know….was it really her…did u figure it out….

  6. Elsquare says:

    To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t get celebrety justice. That’s be cause he is b l a c k. Shhhh.

  7. Matty says:

    I’m more privy to the beverage self-retrieval area, due to the increased stickiness and overall ease of cleaning “messes”. Although those random straw wrappers and platic tops can be a real “bugger”.

  8. Tiffany P. says:

    well, now that she’s nominated for another Golden Globe fore best actress she’ll get more non-british fare.

    sorry it wasn’t her…but you could have scored some airport bathroom nookie if you had told her you thought she WAS her.

    way to drop the ball, kev.

  9. SOLEIL says:

    c l o t h e s

  10. Ally says:

    Ah Kevin, I have missed your blogs! Welcome back! Tacky.. hmmm Nah, some people are big prudes though so im sure someone would have commented lol have a great & safe New year!

  11. don says:

    You should have jumped her anyway. If you squint, she’d still look like Keira, and afterwards, who’d know the difference?

    Have a Happy New Year!

  12. sporkgasm says:

    salt and vinegar chips in the hoo hoo? well, they do make douches out of vinegar so i guess it’s not that different. and on a different note: she has a beautiful face but makes ally mcbeal look like a porker. of course it wasn’t her…she was in line for FOOD.

  13. hands off the diet caffiene free cherry coke says:

    I remember that Keira Knightly blog. SOrry it wasn’t really her…one day dude, one day… never give up.

  14. King Steve says:

    You still tried to give her the shocker. You could have said that you thought she looked like Keira Knightly and this broad would have been yours for sure.

    After you didn’t pick this chick up did you go straight to the men’s room to practice your wide stance?

  15. Lord Likely says:

    You should have gone up to her and slapped her firmly about the buttocks. If she turned around and said, “What do you think you are doing? Don’t you know who I am?” then you’d know you have the right person.

    Oh, and happy new year, and all that.

  16. LoneStarBrit says:

    I think I’d favor the counter over the chip rack as any spillages can be easily explained away as ranch dressing or some such.

    Of course we all say bugger, but for her to actually call you that would require insertion of more than just a finger in the stink – just saying!

    Welcome back Kevin – it’s been quiet around here without you.

  17. Chad says:

    English food is shit?

    I think you’ll find that English food is fairly healthy in comparison to your yanky shit that seems to make everyone and their mother an obese laden heap of fat.

    I thank you

  18. Barrie says:

    Sorry about the English food. It is so difficult to compare with Steakums, Hot Dogs, CheezWhiz, Sliced American cheese, McDonalds, Burger King, Lunchables…
    You are lucky to have so much great food over here, with size of the average American I would not want to encounter a hungry one.

  19. Jordan says:

    i say bugger…..:(
    should have pinched her behind and senn where it went

  20. Steve in ny says:

    I am in love with that girl wand I try to stop watching pirates it go back on to find its way to fuck me up abyways that story was real intherusting. But heart breaking

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