The 12 Days of Donkmas - The Office Party
Day 11 - The Office Party
All office parties blow, but the mother of all shitty office parties is the Christmas party. I gotta see these people 40 hours a week, and now you’re telling me I gotta spend MORE time with them? So without further ado, here is DonkeySosa’s list of the top five most annoying things about office Christmas parties.
5. The White Elephant Gift Exchange
First of all, if I had wanted a Hillary Clinton-shaped nutcracker, a roll of toilet paper, or a pair of Garfield mittens, I would have gone to the dollar store and bought them myself. Secondly, the whole “gift-stealing” concept is cute…until it causes the gift exchange to stretch into hours three and four. Then it’s cause for justifiable homicide.
4. The PC Party
Now I’m the last person on earth you would call a religious zealot, but even I’ll admit that at times our culture’s political correctness does become tiresome. Holiday Party, Winter Festival, Non-Denominational Celebration Event…would it REALLY kill us to just call it a Christmas Party in this day and age when just about all of the religion has been sucked out of Christmas anyway? And another favorite: navigating the minefield of decorations. This leads to some of the most retarded conversations ever: “Well, we can’t have a Nativity Scene but we can put up a Santa.” “No Angels but we can put up lights.” “We can put up a small tree, but we can only put non-religious decorations on it.” Ugh.
3. The Family Members
I don’t even like most of my co-workers, and now I have to like, interact with their spouses and bratty children? Pass the jello shots please.
2. The Office Drunks
Ain’t it fun to watch people get loaded on eggnog and revert to their high school personas, dancing nonsensically, hanging all over one another, spitting on you when they talk, and ultimately urinating in one of the office planters? OK, so maybe that last bit is pretty cool, but the rest? Not so much.
Um, you smell like vomit and pantyliners
1. The Office Hook-up
Which leads us right into the most annoying thing about office Christmas parties: the hook-ups. On the surface this seems harmless enough. You get a few drinks in you, you loosen your tie, and the next thing you know you’re balls deep in Sally from accounting as she’s bent over the copier. Yeah, well it’s all fun and games until the next day when you remember that Sally is 400 pounds and married to an ex-Special Forces psycho who sleeps with a .45 and a necklace of teeth under his pillow.
And besides, do you think the rest of us want to be subjected to the sight of two co-workers flirting, tongue-kissing and ultimately having “the talk” on Monday morning? Hell to the nizzo. So please, keep it in your pants.
