Santa She Just Wanted to Play With Your Candy Cane
(Another freelance story for doubleviking.com is up, the ten worst beers ever made.)
I was sent this news story the other day. Apparently a mall Santa was rather upset because he was groped by a female when she sat on his lap.
“The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint.
The 65 year old Santa said that he was embarrassed that it happened in front of the children waiting in line for a photo. So one has to wonder if she just got up and grabbed the junk or maybe it was still on the sly but this guy just felt violated. These are the details I need to know, this is why journalism in America is on the decline.
Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.
Now that story in itself is pretty sweet. I mean if I was 65 years old and someone half my age wanted to grab my twig and berries I would be excited by it. And please, the kids didn’t know what went on or this story would have quotes from the 25 parents bitching and complaining over what they saw. Apparently there is protocol for mall Santas to handle this according to showbizspy.com:
“Santa Tim” Connaghan, president of RealSantas.com, teaches hundreds of prospective Santas a year. He said it’s not unusual for adults to want to pose with Santa.
He told a US newspaper: “I’ve had some very nice ladies sit on my lap. “Once in a while they’ll say ‘I hope Mrs. Claus isn’t going to be upset.’
“You have to be discreet and kind and say ‘Oh no, she’ll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.’”
My answer would be, “Mrs. Claus won’t be home until after Christmas. Pick me up at 8:00 outside Orange Julius, Santa feels like finding out if your are naughty or nice.” But that is just me… To me my favorite part of the entire story is that the girl was caught because she was on crutches. So Santa was fondled by a cripple, maybe that is why he was so offended? I just don’t get it, I always thought the one benefit of being a mall Santa is the occasional lapper you get from a MILF or a hyper college girl. Where has our society gone?
So my question for the ladies out there, have you ever jingled Santa’s balls?
THE TIEBREAKER
On Tuesday I ran a little contest and we had multiple tie. The tiebreaker question was how many “roses” does trannie number 1 charge?
The correct answer is: $150
And the winner is: Charlotte
Maybe this Santa was playing for the other team…
You’re saying he’s Jewish?
Actually I thought he was a Buddhist…
That didn’t even cross my mind…
I’m in complete agreement with you. When did growing up to be an overweight man too lazy to shave in hopes of being fondled by a young woman in a mall in front of children stop being the American dream?
I know, this is something I am looking forward to in retirement
you said “I mean if I was 65 years old and someone half my age wanted to grab my twigs and berries I would be excited by it.” twigs? so you have two?
I bet craigslist has a hooker division for that, too.
(And yay me! What I win, daddy?!?!?)
A book, cd, or dvd from amazon… But no 4 cd sets or crazy shit… like the last guy did.
Interesting side story to this one. I was at a local mall about 3 years ago when 4 young ladies wanted a picture with Santa. This normally wouldn’t of caught my eye, but I happened to recognize these young innocent females. They most likely had possession of a couple of my one dollar bills!(I feel bad for women who don’t have enough money to buy clothes for work). Needless to say when I next saw these young ladies, I told the person working the door (bouncer) the story and he proceeded to point out to me who Santa was! I guess the cripple picked the wrong Santa.
It’s nice to know where Santa hangs out.
there go my dreams of man-handling a mall santa…. I can’t afford another strike….
Well there goes that fantasy
really he was just bragging. thats the only reason he put it out there.
Good point
I usually dress up in festive clothing and hang around shopping malls for those exact same reasons. I just love to feel touched.
I don’t even want to think about what you are wearing.
OK, I live not 10 minutes from that mall and have to read about this in your blog? My gossip network must be taking break early. I’m kinda glad that my kids didn’t want to see Santa this year…I coulda been the next one charged if I gave him a friendly pat on the tuchus.
Sorry, you may want to relocate
I would be a bad Santa.
A very bad Santa.
Pervert
I think you’re right, he was just grossed out at being fondled by a cripple – she should counter-sue for discrimination.
that sucks…I didn’t win ;( teasing of course but I did recieve a Ska Audio DVD :}
Santa now that’s another story…He’s Satan in disquise so more than likely I’d say he was offended
Did it mention if he was gay? – wait, no because then he wouldn’t have cared, or he would’ve pulled something verryy San Fransiscoan.
Maybe it was because the next one to sit on Santa’s lap was a child and when Mommy went up to help the scared little child sit on Santas lap she got concerned because Santa had a woody
oohh… so it’s true then? the song “i saw mommy kissing Santa Claus..
hahahha, this made me laugh very much
Is that what you are calling your crooked penis now? A candy cane?
Maybe Santa brings new meaning to the word “beard”.
I’ve never heard of a man not wanting his package opened and played with. I thought Santa was supposed to be good at giving gifts? Perhaps she was naughty?
I read that story in the New York Post and my sister has met that guy. I go to that mall all the time.
goddamn it. I wanted to win!
and there’s NO FUCKING WAY that bitch is worth 150.
It’s always nice to read a touching story at this time of year.